A rant spurred by having a conversation with a self-pitying, entitled misogynist

Had a conversation with a follower recently and it just pissed me off.

I have a bone to pick with guys who feel entitled to a girl just because... they were nice to them. Also with guys who somehow feel that when girls request some practicality in a relationship, it's them being too realistic and gold digging. And also with guys who feel that having a girlfriend means to somehow control her freedom.

First, being nice to someone else is a given. It's polite, and it's something you choose to do. You do not get to demand that she reciprocate or that she owes you because you showed her human decency. She alone gets to decide how to react, and if she doesn't react within your expectations, it is on YOU to manage your emotions, you don't get to blame her for it.

Second, "true love doesn't see money". You must have been living in the Earth's core to still believe in this. In this capitalist society, can you do anything that is truly FOC? Survival costs money, that's why we work, staying in jobs that don't appreciate us and underpay us. To go one dates, to experience things together, co-habitation, marriage, children: that costs even more money. To live in this money-driven world - regardless of how disillusioned you are - means that money almost guarantees security. Healthy relationships discuss money healthily. We can't feed ourselves with true love and mutual respect. If you feel that your partner would prefer someone with more money ("GoLd-DiGgInG wHoRe"), either just let her go to find a partner who does, or do something about your financial situation: stop focusing on the fact that you're earning less than you think she wants you to earn, then spend it on things that she probably doesn't even want.

Third, having a girlfriend doesn't mean that you own them: they are not an inanimate object, they are not yours - or anyone's, for that matter - to own. To think that having a partner means feeling entitled to "own" them and thus control what they do is called SLAVERY. It's appalling that people still think that it should be normal to control your partner (and be controlled by their partner), to "let" them do things they want, in their own time and with their own money. Sure, they should afford you the basic respect of being their partner to discuss it with you beforehand, but in the end they themselves can decide what they want to do. And you don't get to throw a hissy fit over something that they want to do and doesn't harm others.

Self-pity is one thing, trying to rally others to your cause for pity because you had that one girl who left you for someone who fulfill her needs better is really not a good look. I understand rejection and being betrayed, it sucks, but anchoring your entire emotional being to that one person who is no longer in your life, and who will never fulfill your expectations automatically closes the doors to happiness that are open to you if you would just let go.

And are we still teaching boys that girls somehow have no sex drive, or not allowed to have a sex life? Why are guys still sniggering like children over women having healthy sex lives and kinks? Do you seriously expect your partners to be "pure virgins" until they meet you, then suddenly become Aphrodite with you? Yet it shouldn't matter if you've bedded others before her?

Will there ever be an end to this madness?

A day to a government office

Sometimes it's hard to realize that a relationship is toxic when you're already reeling from so many different negative emotions at a time, but one of the general guidelines is that you always feel exhausted from trying to do and be so many things, but you're still not doing enough.


While this relationship has opened my eyes to how a healthy relationship looks like, it took one trip to a government office to just blow me away.


He needed to renew some documents, both of which can be done in the same building. For once, a drive to a government office to actually get proper stuff done and I wasn't behind the wheel. We set off after getting some banking stuff done, and there was a little mishap in terms of navigation (due to miscommunication), but we got there okay.


Approaching the counter, he got his number and we waited, and while we did, I scouted out the building for the other office that he would need to visit later.


All through the process of getting everything done, I mostly just sat and watched his blazer while playing mobile games. While he queued for the next number, I just sat and watched our stuff. I continued playing my mobile games, pausing a while to get some drinks from the vending machine, all the while people-watching and having relaxed conversation.


The stark difference here was this I wasn't expected to be the point of contact for everything that we did, and I wasn't expected to find out and remember what to do next and where to do it. There was even enough mental room to joke about registering for marriage right then and there to show my grandma who's so eager to "see all of us married with kids".


I never had this really relaxing, yet still mentally engaged "official" outing - with my mother, she took charge of everything so all I needed to do was be there and fill in the relevant forms; with my ex, it was always me stressing about where to go, what to say, how to say it, memorizing procedures, and being chastised for trying my best to get things done as smoothly as possible.


During this entire process, we joked about things, discussed possible goals and non-goals (stuff I/we probably won't want to do in the future), and made assumptions on why certain people looked the way they looked, or discussed how they dressed. Throughout the day, there wasn't any "your opinion is invalid"-oriented comments - it was equal conversation. I think this lady looks good enough as it is, perhaps he thinks that she could have paired her trousers with another blouse that was more plain to avoid clashing prints.


All this may also have been because I was no longer struggling with ill-fitting clothing, impossible sleeping times the previous night that made basic conversation almost impossible, and navigation to a place I was not familiar with. Not to mention the absence of the struggle and anxiety with talking to multiple strangers within the a time frame that I was intensely uncomfortable with.


And even after all was done, I didn't have to drive us home (though I volunteered to after lunch). The road that Waze led me to take was a familiar one, and while the passenger was also asleep, I didn't feel a blanketing sense of annoyance and irritation. The difference? I didn't have to drive us home, I chose to. And while the rush hour traffic annoyed me as usual, I felt much less in a rush to just get home and sleep - the concern was more toward how I can drive all the way home without waking him.


He seldom says "thank you", but he said it twice on that day. Once while we merged with congested traffic (because he knew how much I hated being stuck in traffic), and once before we slept for accompanying him to do all this mumbo jumbo, which to be honest, I'm usually more than happy to be a part of when I'm not expected to take all responsibility for a task that is essentially not mine.


Overall, I managed to get home tired, but not completely frazzled and irritable like I used to be. I think there's one word to describe how I felt that day: appreciated. Regardless of what I did, he didn't ask me to tone it down if I was attracting attention to myself, and he included my input into the necessary planning throughout the day.


So, to those asking me "why him?", here's one of the many answers.

What a relationship with healthy trust looks like

It's a regular Saturday, and I'm waiting for my shift to start so that I can go through players who are dissatisfied that their mediocre skill is leading to a mountain of losses - regular day in customer service, so to speak.


I was woken up by my grocery delivery, made a very heavy brunch, spent some time with the cat while watching the live action Parasyte movie, then set up my "work station".


The gym mates with suddenly suggest going out for coffee or karaoke. I opted for coffee because I do wanna do out, but karaoke would be too expensive, and I needed to work, or at least be on standby.


What's left was prepping, charging relevant electronics, and just sending a message to family saying that I'll be out of the house for a few hours, as well as an obligatory text to the significant other. The reply? "Ok"


#easy


Except...


about a year ago, I'd be damned if organizing coffee with colleagues was so easy.


In that other relationship, I'd be riddled with anxiety at the mere thought of going out with anyone other than him - and, yes, that included going out with my own family. If I really wanted to go out with friends or colleagues, I'd almost had to fight for it, and I never "won", because I would spend that entire time anxiously checking the time.


I would also nervously - and dreadingly - get home to a cynical interrogation about the content of my conversations, and if I dared say that I enjoyed myself, it would be sure that I will never request for a similar outing ever again.


This would also happen even if I went for an all-girl trip, so god forbid if there was a guy who brought his girlfriend along as well. I'd have this persistent guilt of wanting to completely immersed in communication with whoever I was going out with, but I'd have texts asking me if I'm done, what we're talking about - seemingly innocent questions that I've been conditioned to think as little "tests" to see how honest I was.


Any last-minute plans were a no-go, lest I would want to come home to someone who was sulking more than the cat who got its tail stepped on earlier. I'd be also paranoid that friendly, platonic interaction with any other guy would be a subject of confrontation.


###


I now live in comfort of knowing that my platonic friendships with other guys are nothing but just that - we talk shit about colleagues and people we know, throw friendly vulgarities with each other, and discuss various topics, mostly relating to work.


I wouldn't have to justify WHY I wanted to go out, because I just want to.

Our 400th day - 11042015

As relationships go on, things get more stable, because both individuals have already more or less found much common ground for many things that used to be conflicts. Though that doesn't mean zero arguments and disagreements herein, but it means more understanding.


Our 400th day wasn't all sugar, spice, and everything nice - my car's battery completely died on day 399 in a backlane of a mall in a not-so-pleasant area, and in my frustration and disappointment and annoyance at a random stranger who wouldn't shut up... well, let's say I could've handled the situation a lot better than I did.

*Note to self: get a jumpstart cable in the car for emergencies.


The first half of the next day (day 400) wasn't a bed of roses either... I won't go into the details, but it was a less romantic than we would have expected it to be.


I wouldn't say we made up for the past 24 hours with a dinner date, but things did improve toward the end of the day.


The car battery got changed (apparently, I was using the wrong battery for the car model), and drove to his place as soon as I got a change of fresh clothes. We took a shower, dressed up, then went out for dinner.


It's been a really long while since I've actually been to a steakhouse, the last time being a number of years ago to Victoria Station, and it was the last straw and dealbreaker for ever visiting Victoria Station again.

Star Village in Kuchai Lama is more of a place for young people to hangout, smoke, and drink. On the other hand, Star Village HQ in OUG is in a league of its own. The outside is a bar and lounge area, with tall tables and bar stools, as well as lounge chairs in what I assume is artificial leather the kind of crowded the place, but a clear path was visible to the entrance.

If the effect was to give it a movie-like, going-back-in-time effect on diners, they did it - a phone booth in a corner, comfy-looking chairs around round tables, dim yellow lights that illuminated wooden furniture.

The furnishings in the back weren't too matching though... white plastic chairs were part of them, and in the far corner, a bench table with a very weathered white pleather couch.

The place was in quite dire need of renovation and refurnishing, but other than that, the food was excellent. I'm still not crazy over paying copious amounts for a slab of beef, but it was a special occasion, and the food wasn't too too expensive there, which was a plus.


Heading to a nice steakhouse for chicken and/or fish would be daft, so we opted for beef - a top sirloin steak for him, and a rib-eye steak for me. Both medium-rare (we like our meat slightly underdone).

Ribeye steak.

Sirloin steak, with an extra corn on the cob.

The steaks were served with a crispy bun, steak fries, the sauce in a sauce dish, and a rather generous amount of apple and soggy pasta salad, topped with grated carrots. Wasn't too fond of the apple salad, so we just picked out the pasta and left the rest.

We had a side of cheesy escargots, because no steakhouse meal is complete without cheesy, garlicky French snails. The trick is not to examine the little black lump of deliciousness that would be dipped in the garlic cheese sauce. And at MYR16.90 per half dozen, it was well worth the money.

I was eyeing the soup, but didn't want to have a potentially made-from-powder or came-from-a-can mushroom soup, so he introduced me to the salmon soup, which I regrettably did not know of earlier. The soup came with actual salmon flakes in it, and the flavor of the fish was just... full-bodied and heavenly.


As for the drinks, there were some interesting options, including my favorite honey milk, but toward the end of the cold drinks list... was the Coke Float, which specified that it came in a 1-litre mug. I cautiously asked if I could order one, and he said why not. I think he was unaware of the situation.

The Coke Float arrived with a sure *thump*, and I was sitting there wide-eyed. It took him a moment after trying to move the mug before he realized the size of it. If the size isn't comprehensible - 1 can of Coke is 325ml, which means it's about a little over 3 cans of Coke, with two large scoops of vanilla ice cream. One word: diabeetus.


***

There are times when things aren't as sweet ("I get drunk on jealousy" - Taylor Swift), and there is no such thing as a 100% compatibility between two people. For a relationship to work, there's no stopping the process of finding common ground - it's a constant effort from both sides, a promise to commit and continue working for the relationship.


Especially now that we each have so little time on our own hands, with work duties and such, it's almost impossible to go back to a few weeks ago where I could've taken an entire day from home to spend with him, even if it meant following him to work.


Sometimes things don't go as we like, or as we plan. I expected already that we would have significantly less time to ourselves once we've started work, especially when my job requires me to work till midnight on certain nights.


Hope spring's eternal.

How-to: DIY text heart with MSWord & Paint

Like every other social media addicted girl, I turned to Pinterest when I was looking for ideas for a gift as a token of celebration of our first year as a couple. The gift idea morphed into a DIY project as I scrolled through search results for "anniversary gifts for him".

Chocolate hazelnut mini parfait 🍨 Chocolate sponge, hazelnut cremeux, and chocolate mousse layers, topped with caramel coffee vape.

A photo posted by Kellie Low 紫倩 (@thecheanie) on Feb 25, 2015 at 9:11am PST

The next idea was a heart made completely out of words, and ideally, all these words should say "I love you", and in different languages for an interesting twist. Kind of life a play on typography (you design peeps understand).

I didn't read much into it, though - I got what information I could from the pin, and didn't search any further and kinda hit-and-missed my way through doing the entire thing.


If you have PhotoShop or Illustrator, I don't think this would be much of a problem. However, for those less equipped (such as my humble self), here's one way to do it using Microsoft Word and Paint.


1. Decide which languages you want to use and get them in their native calligraphy/writing

What I did was just get a bunch of "I love you" translations off Google Translate for a half hour. My SO has a thing for Vitas, so I made a point to include Russian, and the more obvious English, Mandarin, and Korean.


Get all your text and put them into one Word document. You could do it straight in Paint, but doing it in Word first gives you more room for creative typography in terms of color and sizing. Try to have the words you want to stand out within the shape of the heart - a rough estimate would do, but try to center the key words.


2. Ctrl-C + Ctrl-V + Ctrl-S

Get in a full page of text (I had a couple of lines repeated), edited it in color and/or size as you like, then select it all, copy, and paste it into Paint. I changed the font, evened out the text sizes, and justified the spacing, but left it all black.

Adjust the size of the canvas to fit the text. Once you're happy with the overall fitting, save it as a PNG file.

I saved mine as a JPEG file, while turned out a little pixelated when I continued to process and print it. Usually, PNG is used for electronic publishing, and JPEG for printing, but since I still had to use the image it should've been saved as a PNG.


3. Put the words into the heart

Draw the heart while holding down shift for a nice, square-aligned heart. Then adjust the size accordingly.

Once you have the PNG image saved, draw up a new page on Word. Go to Insert, then Shapes, and find the heart shape. Draw it as big as you want, then change the Text wrap to Square so you can move it easily.

Select the heart and Shape Fill with the PNG you just saved.

Remove the outline to complete the word heart.

I was going to print it for A5 paper, so I resized it to about 11-13cm in width. Set the Shape Outline under the Format tab to None, then click on Shape Fill just above Outline, and select Picture... from the drop menu. From the pop up, find and select the PNG you've saved, and voila!

I used this as a cover illustration, but you could use this for a greeting card as well.

If you're unsatisfied with the result, you can always go back to step 2 to make changes, then follow through until you get the result you like. I used this as a cover for the DIY one-year journal that I made for him.


Ps. The width of the heart in the screenshots are different because I went back to recreate the heart for this post.

Gift idea for couples: DIY relationship journal

I'm a sucker for gifts, and I like my gifts to reflect the amount of thought and effort that I like to express via my gifts.


Of course, a well-chosen store-bought gift, especially when it is something that your partner has been wanting for a long time but has been holding off on purchasing it, is as good as - if not better than - a handcrafted gift.


For our first year together, I wanted to hand-make something sentimental as a token to celebrate our first year. I Googled "anniversary gifts for husband", and I clicked into a Pinterest page filled with all sorts of DIY gift ideas - from couple mugs, to papier mache picture frames, to quaint personalized gifts. For the life of me, I can't find the exact page, though many pins looked very familiar.

I got a bit of dirt on the cover, and got a little cheesy with the wordings LOL

I bought a ton of colored construction paper because I wanted to do something like a book/album-like thing, but I had no solid idea how to go about it. I combined two ideas I got from that Pinterest page: 1. a relationship journal that serves to chronicle our relationship through the past year, and 2. a unique piece that incorporated the mushiness of a relationship with typography design (how to make this would be in another post).


I made mine in A5 size, because I'm a sucker for cute things, and the size was more suitable since I focusing on some of our more memorable days and moments together, punctuated with a few thoughts handwritten in the blank space.


I used:

• A4 sized colored paper (approx. 70-80gsm would give nice, solid pages)
• steel ruler, cutting mat & box cutter
• scissors & A LOT of double-sided tape (or glue, but be aware that it might leave patches on the paper)
• printed photos
• custom-made paper labels
• black gel pen (I used black because my pages were already colorful)
• resin stickers (or any type of stickers you like)
• 1x A4 sized thick card (used as cover)

I wanted to focus more on the highlights of our relationship. We both use a couple app called Between, and we organized a lot of our photos according to date, so I thought why not use that?

Here's the step by step process of getting this project done:

1. Planning

I had to decide which occasions to include and which to leave out, and how to organize them. Then I had to lay down a plan on how arrange the elements. I opted for date and title labels as opposed to handwriting them, because my handwriting gets skewed sometimes, and I didn't know how to make them stand out from the rest of the text.

A rough sketch on rough paper was made for the first few pages - there wasn't any extensive, in-detail formatting, but the titles and dates were to be on the top right of each page.

2. Page arrangement

It might help to have some sort of angled ruler or similar that can help you with the folding. I selected a few sheets of a few colors respectively, then folded all of them in half (one sheet of A4 paper is equal to two sheets of A5).

Fold them all tight, then use the box cutter to slice through them, making two sheets of A5 paper. I arranged all of them in non-consecutive colors, so I won't have two of the same color in the range of 3-4 pages at a time.

3. Photo collecting and printing

From the key occasions that I selected, I chose at least one photo each, from Between, Facebook, Instagram, and my own photo albums. Double and triple check for repeats - I scanned through the photos but still managed to print an extra copy of a few photos.

Select all (Shift-A), right click, then select Print... A dialogue box should pop up, prompting you to choose your style of printing, your printing quality, paper quality, etc. Since my book as A5, the photos had to be small enough to fit into the page nicely. Also, I made sure to uncheck the Fit picture to frame box because I didn't want any photos cropped.

I printed 9 photos to a sheet of 70gsm A4 sized white paper, then meticulously cut each and every one photo from 9 sheets of paper with a box cutter and steel ruler.

4. Custom-made date labels

I have a mild case of OCD where my tables in MSWord has to be all uniform and with adequate spacing. I made one table for each type/category of labels - the dates, the occasion, and I did one for the page numbers, but by the time I had the dates and occasion labels cut out, I gave up on them. LOL

I made a point to use 0.5 point dotted lines as the table outlines so it wouldn't be as hideous when I got round to cutting it. 

5. Adhesive backing

About half to three-quarters of a standard roll of double-sided tape was used to stick everything to the pages - the labels as well as the photos.

For the photos, I used a small square in each corner. For all the labels, a small knob at each end, and one more in the center for the longer ones. I contemplated using the gluestick for this, but I tried it on another DIY venture and the adhesion wore off after just a while.

6. Content

After arranging all the photos in chronological order, I set to work labeling each page with a date and the appropriate occasion title, then the relevant photos. Then each page was slowly filled with any thoughts and feelings that were synonymous with that particular day/occasion.

Every now and then I put in a resin sticker that I got at Mr DIY.

7. Cover and binding

I was aiming for the look of a spiral bound journal-type look, with a wrapped hardcover. What I used for the front and back cover was a piece of A4 thick card that was sliced in half much like the book pages.

I DIY-ed the cover illustration, printed it out, then wrapped it around one piece of the A5 thick card, securing with more double-sided tape. Some extra white paper cut to size was used to cover up the back of the cover. I didn't bother with wrapping the back cover.

As for the binding, it was done at a printing shop opposite my old high school, for less than MYR5.

===

So there it is. My projects usually come out looking almost there but lacking something, but I was proud of this particular one. The cover could've looked better, but yeah.


Hope this served as a reference to some of you guys or gals who's into putting a little sweat and blood into a thoughtful gift for you significant other.



Photos taken with Samsung Galaxy Note 3
Edited with Fotor.com

Our first year

I'm blogging less and less, partially because I run out of inspiration halfway through a post and give up on it, and also because I have nothing in particular to blog about. However...


On 8th March 2014, he became the first person to ask me to be his girlfriend, while holding my hand. Other relationships started over a screen, regardless of the platform in which it happened, and all followed with a very awkward first meeting - yes, first meeting.

一年前的今天，你就是在這裡成為了第一個面對面向我告白的男人。這一年裡，你給了我無限的愛、包容和原諒。老公，happy first anniversary 😚💋💖

A photo posted by Kellie Low 紫倩 (@thecheanie) on Mar 7, 2015 at 5:59am PST

Our celebration of the occasion was partially unplanned - we planned dinner back where he made me his then-very-much-mushy girlfriend, but the later part of the night was planned during the dinner itself. I made him a little spiral bound relationship journal, chronicling our year together (of which my forgetful self did not photograph).

Our cheesy dinner (excuse the pun).

A photo posted by Kellie Low 紫倩 (@thecheanie) on Mar 7, 2015 at 6:08am PST

We both agreed that the baked rice there was our favorites, and we had that with a side of baked mussels. I had just planned on dinner, but an anniversary date wouldn't have been complete without a romantic date to somewhere with a lot of lights.

Digital light displays.

We planned to visit i-City after our Sekinchan trip, but we more or less just stayed home and collapsed sleeping after that trip, and it was the perfect occasion.


I don't think I'm the only girl who's ever fantasized of having a romantic date in the evening surrounded by lights, then imagining a camera panning around you like in an Asian drama. However, it was a weekend and it was packed.

MYR10 per ride per person. They take a photo of you before you get on (if you're attractive), then you can pay another MYR30 for one photo, or MYR50 for a photo and keychain printed with your photo.

Our relationship was filled with a lot of firsts, especially on my side. This was the first time I officially dressed up for an anniversary dinner, went to i-City, and took a ride on such a tall Ferris wheel. I don't really have an issue with heights, but blame Final Destination and for putting paranoia into my psychology.


But it was thrillingly romantic while it was terrifying for me. I guess one part of being a healthy couple is to leverage off the psychological fear of Ferris wheels of your partner and keep jokingly threaten to rock the entire cart a la Morita Shinobu in Honey and Clover.



We walked around, took a lot of photos. I wanted one of the Ferris wheel photos, by the way, but MYR30 just for a photo in a cheesy cardboard frame seemed a little bit too expensive.

Queen of bear statues and peeking belly fat LOL

One part of the entire area was more of a family-friendly park, with double-decker carousel (!!!) and a fish-feeding pond. Walking around that area, and some areas in Genting Highlands is a bit nostalgic. I haven't been completely deprived of such privileges as a child, but I didn't get it as much as other kids in school that bragged about playing with snow and all that. Hell, I only knew shisha existed on a rather embarrassing occasion during foundation.


Call me emotional, or melodramatic, or whichever adjective that floats your boat. The whole night I was close to tears - after everything that we've been through, all the arguments and everything... we were there, having dinner together as a symbolic gesture for our first year together.


I gave him his present after we finished our food, and despite how embarrassed I am at people reading my work in front of me, I wrote as I felt when I was putting the book together. The regrets, the gratitude, the feelings that went into the relationship and hence the book as it recounted our entire year together...


Granted, the year hasn't been altogether smooth. Complications - mostly from my side - arose quite frequently, from loose ends from a previous "relationship", to just downright ignorance and bitchiness.


But regardless of how many arguments and meltdowns we have, he still takes me in his arms, dries my tears, and kisses me saying "I love you". No relationship is a smooth sailing ship - a sailor will not know the sea unless he encounters storms. Without challenges, obstacles, and difficulties, a relationship will never grow.


We became unlikely friends when we met, and he saw me go through one of the darkest and most tumultuous parts of my life. In fact, he was the one I'd call out for drinks outside his place right after work, then I'd rant from dinner time to some hours past midnight.


Sometimes I get scared. Scared that he'll grow tired of my insecurities, my idiosyncrasies, my clumsiness and forgetfulness, the little things that shouldn't matter but bug me constantly. Then he reminds me that he chose me over so many others for a reason - that he loved me, even if I continue tripping over flat ground.


===


All photos taken with Samsung Galaxy Note 3
Edited and watermarked with Fotor.com

It's more than just cuddles and kisses

Back in 2008, practically the only channel I was on happened to be hitz.tv, which is the Malaysian equivalent of MTV, and at that time it featured different genres of music during different times, and had an SMS chat service which I spent a lot of money on (50sen per text).

Occasionally, there would be these few tracks which weren't as popular as the others, and these were the ones I usually clung to (that thing about trying not to be a cardboard cutout and all that shit). And among these was Daniel Bedingfield's If You're Not the One.

I seemed to be the only one who knew about the existence of this song, and among all the J-rock that filled my MP4 player, I turned to this particular track. The lyrics were meaningful, and the song itself was relaxing, especially after so much rock and metal music.

That period of time was short-lived, as other tracks and genres replaced it - Shayne Ward, more J-rock and metal, K-pop, C-pop, American pop.

Fast forward to just a few months ago, I realized my boyfriend loved this song too, and it kinda became "our song".

None of my previous relationships had dedicated songs, like one in particular that brought us even closer together. I shared the same Japanese music taste with one, and the other one opened my eyes to the world of techno and hardstyle.

This one... was like a spark.

Like it was destined that we would meet, and share something so strong.


There was also a sign that was given to me a few years ago, in the form of a really strange dream. All my dreams are never normal (which kind of reflects my logic in general), but this one really scared me but made me happy at the same time.


I had this dream of being in the bathroom in his house, and I remembered feeling a really close connection between me and the other male figure in the dream (I seldom see faces of strangers in dreams). And when it happened in real life, it freaked the fuck out of me. Every reaction I had, every decision I made to try to break the deja vu chain ended up making the whole part of the dream reenacted, from me shifting my focus from the floor to the door, up to his reaction to my reactions.


Things weren't great at first. I wouldn't delve deep into the details, but things slowly got better. Our arguments were sparse, but intensely fierce when they happened. Confrontations, drama because of third-party opinions... It's safe to say we've been through a lot (for a couple our age).

However, he's been the most amazing gift that was bestowed upon me.

LITERALLY.

(Perhaps excluding my car, but that was thanks to dad).

Of all the other girls that fit his prior expectations of the perfect girlfriend, he chose me - almost the complete opposite, to be honest... Flabby curves, the vocabulary of a sailor, and a liking for cigarettes and alcohol, and almost absolutely no regard for many things. I wasn't the demure, quiet girl who never talked back (neither am I now, actually), and I end up doing a lot of stupid things due to the lack of logical thinking and general klutziness.

But somehow, through all the obstacles we've been through, we end up appreciating each other more.

He is the first one to ask me to be his girlfriend without the aid of a messaging app.

He is the first one who brought be out for a trip that wasn't to just a mall.

He is the first to bring me home without having to have me sneak in and out of the house and hide from his family.

He is the first to snap and flip the shit out the moment I started to berate my body image.

He is the first to call me his precious gem, and the first to make me face my fears.

He is the first to give me a complete, 100% sense of security.

He is the first one to buy me a bouquet of flowers complete with white roses and a filling of mimosa.

He is the one who never let's me call myself fat if I don't want to exercise and do something about my weight.

He is the one who spends more than he has just to give me irreplaceable memories and experiences.

And the only one who pays more attention to me than I do to myself.

Most of the time, it was the difference in expectations that fucked up my other relationships. I was willing to give 100% of my attention, and I expected the same. Unfortunately, not all people are as clingy as me.

In other words, he's the guy I've always fantasized about - sweet, sensitive, manly, and loves me pretty much more than anything. Oh, yeah, and the only one who would slime me back when I slime him (a.k.a lick him from jaw to forehead). As well as the only one who would actively make me face my inner demons, and finally help me come to terms with my warped body image.


Just the other day, we were just sitting around spending time together, when he started to play some songs on Youtube and we ended up singing along with them.


Then it hit me like a truck - at the start of the relationship, I was less than a girlfriend, because I was still poring over some douches who let me down. I even went as far as to tell him that I was just "trying him out". And crying over ex-flings with the only guy who confessed to you face-to-face isn't being too much of a sensitive girlfriend - it's being a bitch.


And the arguments were the turning points for me - did I want to win the argument, or did I want to keep the man of my dreams? I find that I fail as a girlfriend for not completely understanding my own future husband, but it's better for the relationship that I finally know his standpoint on different topics.


And what hit me like a truck was that even when I've done so many shitty things to him, he still wants me. And while talk about marriage is commonplace, he's the only one who still talks with me about our future together in detail (the last and only other one merely said that I'd be his wife and last girlfriend, and we know how that went).


And there, everyone, is when I started crying like a bitch. Never in my life that I thought that any of my dreams would come true, in the form of the near-perfect boyfriend/future husband, who cherishes me more than I deserve to be. The only guy who strives for me to become a better version of myself, and strives to give me everything he can.


It might be nothing to some, and even normal for others, but given all my relationship failures, I'd already given up hope on relationships as a whole, which is why it's all the more precious.


Fights, arguments, clashes in opinion will happen - very seldom do two people have the exact same personalities and opinions, but I know where my priorities are now. I can lose the argument, and possibly feel a little bit frustrated after that, but a short moment of frustration before a moment of reconciliation is peanuts compared to losing him completely.


My mum gave me this golden nugget of advice when I broke up in 2011, and told me the story of how she and my dad actually got married. In essence, what she told me was que sera, sera, and if it's destined that they are for you, they will come back to you even if they leave.


I think even if destiny hadn't written for him to be a part of my life, he forced his place there by doing so many things for me. From being there for me since the day I met him, to the one who would just spend time with me forehead to forehead, hands intertwined, soaking up the fact that I'm the luckiest girl on earth to have someone so unique, and so beautiful.


There's still a lot we have to work through, such as my insistence to still correct his English sometimes, and his insistence that I let him buy me gifts.


But other than that, I dream to see him chasing kids around, and somehow I can see him with a sleeping baby on his lap while playing DotA 2. Then having dinner together, falling asleep together, waking up beside each other...


Most of my family keeps telling me I could do better... The thing is, he's already everything I could ever ask for in a partner, so there is no "better". And rest assured that he'll be a really big part of me for a really, really long time.

Lurve

It's been about 2 years of beating around the bush and engaging with not-so-decent relationships with a handful of different guys. I finally meet one guy who has actually been with me through my emotional catastrophes and loves me for everything that I am, even if my past kills the both of us sometimes.


We're 5 months along and still going strong, if not stronger than ever. But that doesn't mean things have been smooth-sailing for us.


There were issues in between ourselves that we resolved in a somewhat peaceful way. Some scuffles with family members. Emotional breakdowns in between everything. And we still end up cuddling and nuzzling each other.


I finally found someone and learned to appreciate someone who constantly strives to give me only the best, when I reassure him again and again that all I need is his time, love, and attention. I can finally look at someone, past every flaw and blemish, and internally ask myself what I did when to deserve such a perfect person.


You know you love someone when you feel as hurt as they do when you hurt them, and you finally realize the importance of tolerance, honesty, and self-improvement. While many might say change should be for yourself, why not let someone you love be your motivation to change for the better?


#AlanxKellie

Improved 30 Day Song Challenge: Day 7

The full list here.

Day 1 / Day 2 / Day 3 / Day 4 / Day 5 / Day 6

Day 7: A Song That Reminds You of Someone

Many songs remind of of many different people. Like Britney's and Avril's old songs remind me of an old friend. The choir song (Double Trouble) from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban reminds me of my best friend. Like Phantasmagoria's Gensoukyoku Eternal Silence reminds me of a couple of exs...





All the GazettE songs remind me of one person, but for this particular question, I'm going to go for SCANDAL's Namida no Regret ("tears of regret"). It was one of the last songs he sent to me, and one of the songs that pierced my heart the most.


The lyrics, in some contexts, matched our relationship almost perfectly. We didn't actually say goodbye and went on with our own lives. He said "let's be friends", but my Christmas and new year greetings went ignored. The entire song itself described how I felt, and my thoughts when we broke up.


This song used to make me cry - memories came flooding back, words repeated in my mind. Everything that was, now nothing. But then again, this song did kind of help me let go. Moving on, even if the summer colors between us disappeared.


Translation taken from LyricsMania.com:

Tears of regret spilled from a smile
As the summer colors shined brightly from the city
Instead of saying goodbye, we exchange small nods
And we start to move on

As I was waiting for the bus
Twilight seemed to approach slowly
I wondered, we didn't look bad as a couple, did we?

In the window glass
I saw the broken reflection of the two of us
We were trying to grow up

Like a bad boy giving up
You joke about breaking up
With that that subtle face
I still know what you were thinking
Even with my eyes closed

My tears weren't about the heartbreak
Up until now, I still loved you
When we began to say goodbye
I couldn't promise you that we could move on

"I'll call you," you said
But I could tell you weren't telling the truth
From the way your hand was shaking
We were nothing more than just childhood friends

I still hate hearing that
I should have endure the life in the city

Tears of regret spilled from a smile
As the summer colors shined brightly from the city
Instead of saying goodbye, we exchange small nods
And we start to move on

I only feel that I begin to hate myself trying to be strong
Every time I look back at my loss
I would hear your voice

I don't know if I can bear it
But I can't help to keep moving on
We'll see

I hold my tears
I keep hearing words
Saying that one day it'll be hard for me
Is this really goodbye?
It's a promise that we can't take back

The summer colors disappear

I also did a voice cover for this song (volume down, please, it's a J-rock song =D):




Even if I hear this song now, it still reminds me of him, but in a more positive way - fate had let our paths cross, and we both learned something from each other. And like he said, I'll try not to let anything negative from that past affect me again.

To him

Life is much more easy going now than it was a few months ago.


A few months ago, I was still bawling my eyes out occasionally for something dear I had lost. At that time, I was blinded by hurt, grief, and many other negative emotions that just clouded my mind very much. I think a recent crush cleared my head - everything is just me, or at least most of it.


One and a half years - fell apart just like that. Because of jealousy, selfishness, obsessiveness.


The problem with me is that I see my faults, but no matter how much I remind myself not to make them, they happen anyway. Am I not trying hard enough?


I was alright for a couple of months. Maybe it was because there was something to look forward to - false hope. My downfall for so many things. He said I was pessimistic before. Personally, I feel that I'm overly optimistic.


"Everything will turn out perfectly", I'll say to myself, every time something starts to happen, and scenarios start conjuring themselves in my head. But as they say: "the higher you put your hopes, the harder you will fall". I've fallen, so many times, from such daunting heights that I brought myself to.


He deleted me from Facebook, just because I had written a blog post at that time, and he judged me based on that (it was about a week old). I kept it that way for a bit - I didn't feel that I needed to re-add him to prove that I was his "friend". After all, I have other friends off of Facebook, and I'm okay with them.


A few days ago, purely on impulse and feeling, I re-added him. In a way I regretted it - his face appeared practically everywhere (not my news feed, though), along with my crushes.


Every time I see either name or photo, I'll inevitably think to myself: "what a useless wreck I am". Friends think I was alright after the break, because shortly after, I was "crushing on other guys" already. I can't be sure, and I might sound like a total bitch for saying this, but in a way, it helped me cope - it slowly helped me escape those nights (every night) that I would cry myself to sleep.


But to that one crush, if you're reading this: I really did like you. I would get extra nervous around you, I had to keep in mind to keep my knees from trembling, and every time you looked at me, my heart would skip a beat.


Other than that, I spent half a day with a couple yesterday, and I was reminded of so many things...


I remembered that I used to be jealous of them, because they could be so lovey-dovey, while I had to endure being away from him for long periods of time.


I remembered those times when we also used to do all that - cuddling, nuzzling, hugging, kissing, sharing stories, watching movies together... I miss that.


Right now my mind is in a mess - I don't know what to think anymore... Do I miss him, or do I miss doing all of those things with someone, anyone? I don't think something that had been the core of my life for a year and a half would be something that my heart will let go of easily.


Most would think: "this is utter bullshit". But I know, in some corners of the world, someone knows how I feel. I wouldn't call it pain, but this confusion is unbearable.


His favorite girl rock band came to Malaysia about a week or so ago, and he blogged about it. I put off reading it, because due to his "obsession" with them, I became jealous of them, and consciously made an effort to dislike them (most of the time). The only song that I listen to from them: Namida no Regret, the song that he introduced to me to listen to. Till now, it's the only song I cry to.


Then he had a recent blog update, so I took a look. I merely scrolled through, but from the first few paragraphs, I could see that his writing had improved so much - it became professional-looking.


From that, I deduce that I myself have no changed much. He, however, had moved on way beyond me. Actually doing things with his life. Me? Like Ken Min said, I'm pursuing my own perfection in my own way.


Ken Min... I've known him since primary school. I used to make fun of him, and sort of distanced myself from him during primary school, just because he was different than other boys. Who knew that this boy would now be the friend that I confide most of my pains to, and he actually understands them?


In a lot of ways, when I'm feeling at the bottom of existence, he'll comfort me and give advice, which usually cheers me up. Or at least, I feel less shitty about myself.


I have so many thoughts, so many self-conjured conclusions (some also define this as "assumptions"). I was just listening to the All-American Rejects' Gives You Hell on the way home from badminton last night. I can actually say that if I see his face, it gives me hell.


Not hell, per se, but it makes me really confused with myself every time I see him on Facebook. I concluded that, despite all my hatred toward him, and everything related to him - I still can't let him go. Another way of saying it would be that I still love him, to whatever extent.


I know he's reading this, so are many other people I know. Maybe not now, maybe about a month down the road, but I think he'll read it one day. I imagine him saying: "serves her right for being such a bitch", but somewhere in the back of my head, I think he won't. Or rather, I wouldn't know how he would react.


A year wouldn't suffice. It would probably take a few years to finally coax my heart into letting the past, stay in the past. He's not coming back to you, love. He won't and never will. He fell in love with you, and you made him fall out of love with you.


Love might be a strong word to use here, but honestly speaking, I really did feel it. It wasn't just "I wanna do couple stuff with him", but rather "I want to share everything with him". The line between obsession and love is blurred, was blurred.


Why is it always that you have to lose that which is dearest to your heart, in order for you to know that it was the most important thing in your life? Then again, no pain, no gain.


And why is it that I'm screwing every bit of chance I get, every time? Impatience? That, and some other factors.


Why the sudden outburst of feelings? Humans are emotional beings, in me more than many others. And the whole point I started writing was to let out steam, before I explode and cave in.


***


Gonna blog about Thursday (The Hobbit) and later today soon, if I get photos. Have an awesome day, everyone!

Video: Mark Gungor's "Laugh Your Way To A Happy Marriage"

Just a few days ago one of my seniors posted a video cut from Mark Gungor's talk, Laugh Your Way To A Happy Marriage, talking about the difference between men's brains and women's brains (Tale of Two Brains). I thought it was quite interesting, but didn't go any further.


Then, on my Youtube homepage, there was a suggestion for the complete talk video "because I watched so-and-so video". So here are the videos, The Tale of Two Brains:

Part 1



Part 2



Of course I'm not married, but this really offers insight to the workings of both men's and women's brains (without bias) and the things that make them tick, and how to maintain as what Mark Gungor said, "a balance of happiness-to-poo ratio" in marriage.


And I don't think don't think these bits of information are only limited to married couples: they're useful also for regular couples (usually exclusively-dating ones). It helps us in general broaden our knowledge about the opposite sex, and do what is necessary to respect those differences and create a more harmonious relationship.


Enjoy~