What a relationship with healthy trust looks like

It's a regular Saturday, and I'm waiting for my shift to start so that I can go through players who are dissatisfied that their mediocre skill is leading to a mountain of losses - regular day in customer service, so to speak.


I was woken up by my grocery delivery, made a very heavy brunch, spent some time with the cat while watching the live action Parasyte movie, then set up my "work station".


The gym mates with suddenly suggest going out for coffee or karaoke. I opted for coffee because I do wanna do out, but karaoke would be too expensive, and I needed to work, or at least be on standby.


What's left was prepping, charging relevant electronics, and just sending a message to family saying that I'll be out of the house for a few hours, as well as an obligatory text to the significant other. The reply? "Ok"


#easy


Except...


about a year ago, I'd be damned if organizing coffee with colleagues was so easy.


In that other relationship, I'd be riddled with anxiety at the mere thought of going out with anyone other than him - and, yes, that included going out with my own family. If I really wanted to go out with friends or colleagues, I'd almost had to fight for it, and I never "won", because I would spend that entire time anxiously checking the time.


I would also nervously - and dreadingly - get home to a cynical interrogation about the content of my conversations, and if I dared say that I enjoyed myself, it would be sure that I will never request for a similar outing ever again.


This would also happen even if I went for an all-girl trip, so god forbid if there was a guy who brought his girlfriend along as well. I'd have this persistent guilt of wanting to completely immersed in communication with whoever I was going out with, but I'd have texts asking me if I'm done, what we're talking about - seemingly innocent questions that I've been conditioned to think as little "tests" to see how honest I was.


Any last-minute plans were a no-go, lest I would want to come home to someone who was sulking more than the cat who got its tail stepped on earlier. I'd be also paranoid that friendly, platonic interaction with any other guy would be a subject of confrontation.


###


I now live in comfort of knowing that my platonic friendships with other guys are nothing but just that - we talk shit about colleagues and people we know, throw friendly vulgarities with each other, and discuss various topics, mostly relating to work.


I wouldn't have to justify WHY I wanted to go out, because I just want to.