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Friday, September 27, 2019


I was in Tokyo for 2 weeks, and am still feeling really shitty about my vacay coming to an end.

I grew up being in touch, albeit indirectly, with Japanese culture, as I had a relative who married a Japanese and moved to Japan. And then I got into touch with Japanese music and anime, which further fueled my desire to visit the land of the rising sun. I thought my virgin trip would be with family, but even after my sisters had visited Tokyo Disneyland/USJ, I still hadn't, despite being the most outwardly obsessed with all things Japanese (even to the point where I "learned" some Japanese).

And then a few months back, I saw GazettE announcing their tour final in Yokohama, and on a whim I thought "why not?"

So we bought plane tickets (#JALftw) and started planning. Well, I started planning.

I was so nervous about finally going to Japan that I completely forgot about picking up my portable Wi-Fi and had to separately book an internet in the form of a SIM card.

Tokyo just blew me away, but I think that was more toward my "objectification" of Japan than anything else: that Japan was great. And it was, for the most part. I never had to worry about being run over, or pick-pocketed, or even wolf-whistled at. Trains were on-the-dot on time, and the service staff always went above and beyond to ensure that their service was the best that they could give.

But going from debilitating desk job with a maximum of 4000 steps a day, to exploring every nook and cranny possible - and still not being able to cover everything - while racking up to 25000 steps a day was refreshing.

Conbinis and the vending machines that were everywhere were godsend. Food was always decent, I burnt out my brain trying to read Japanese and navigate, and there was always so much to see and do, something new in the corner to try and explore.

I had others ask why I was spending so much time in Tokyo when I could explore other cities and prefectures. For me, 2 weeks wasn't nearly enough to explore everything I wanted to explore in Tokyo itself, let alone having to try to jam everything I want to do in other cities and prefectures in a short trip.

Hopefully I get to explore more of Japan moving forward, and visit more cat cafes.

Wednesday, January 30, 2019

An epiphany

I've always believed, to a degree, that all individuals have that one destined one in life - that the powers that be created us with one specific individual that we're meant to be with: the one.

And whether or not we end up with the one we're destined with depends on the decisions we make in life - which opportunities we take, which people we keep or walk away from, and all the external influences that shape our perception.

Through the years, my standpoint on love and relationships remained similar, while accepting that there are different forms of love, but each their own.

The one quote about love that constantly appeared on my social media feeds, much to my chagrin, was the one that stated: love is a choice - the daily choice to love another individual regardless of their idiosyncrasies and despite the hard times that will inevitably come to pass.

I hated this quote, cuz it went against my belief that love is a pure feeling - something you felt deep inside you, beyond the butterflies in the stomach. Why I hated this was because somewhere deep in my stubborn mind, I knew it was true.

Through all the relationships and almost-relationships that I've had, the butterflies were always there, and then some beyond that. Then they almost always faded to resentment, hate, selfishness, and rarely infidelity.

The last time I encountered someone who could've been the one was when I was single, and despite everything everyone around me said about him, I could only say they didn't know him the way I did, and they understood nothing about what we had. Or maybe they did, and knew how heart-shattering it would've been when it inevitably came to an end. He showed me how much solace one soul could find in another, and the power of a connection beyond just flirting, lust, and even love.

And when I said the last time... yes, I encountered it again... I think. It's hard to explain in words, but I found another isolated soul, neither accepted nor rejected by the world, living in our own limbo. But this time... I found him when I was attached. And this time the fervent words of caution grew ever so persistent. And to each time someone told me to be careful around him, I could only think: "but you don't know him like I do".

And the thing is, it's sometimes difficult to see how one person could be so infatuated with another when, from a third person perspective, this other person does not fit into any of the traditional criteria of attraction. There's a Chinese saying that says the outsiders' perspective is usually the clearest, yet sometimes we are not aware of the certain dynamics that go into even the most platonic of relationships.

So what happens now? I used to agree fully to this quote:

Amidst my disdain and resentment for my current boyfriend's idiosyncrasies, I found this person's company and pampering to be very comforting. Then shit hit the fan in many ways, and I was left in a deep, dark place - all that I thought I knew and was so sure of was suddenly void, and whatever bit of myself that I thought I knew was thrown out the window.

I was an empty shell living off clockwork, resentment, and sad love songs. I thought endlessly about how I still wanted to salvage my relationship with not one, but both these people.

But the thing is ... you can't have it all. It was a full on war between sensibility and desire. Do I choose the sensible route and come back to nurture my existing relationship, or do I go down the path of desire that I was quite sure would burn out much more quickly than anyone would expect?

Most people would think that the choice was obvious enough, but the heart wanted what it wanted, and the grass looked so much greener on the other side. And if I could fall for this other person, does that mean that my affection for the first person

I can't remember what triggered it, but I just had a moment of sudden clarity one night: I was in a place of boredom and resentment. I wanted my boyfriend to change in so many ways, yet expected him to accept all that I was, violent outbursts and all, then I got mad and resentful that he wasn't what I thought he could become. Then this guy came along and seemed to put in effort in trying to please me - insisting on a cake on my birthday, cooking meals for me, and making sure I was happy with the time we spent together.

It just became crystal clear... and suddenly I realized that crossing paths with this person was fate, but perhaps not as a permanent fixture in my life. Call it a lesson, chance, anything - but even if we were meant to be, it definitely isn't now.

My focus shifted from thinking of how to maintain both people, to just focusing on who I was actually attached to and working on us. Que sera, sera - if it's meant to be, it will be. And despite everything that happened, my boyfriend has been the most understanding, accepting, and comforting, even when he was the only one among all of us who deserved and needed comfort.

This epiphany arrived much later than it should have, but I'm really glad it did in the end.

So is love a choice? Somewhat, yes. You choose between what you want, and what you know will be good for you. At least, in my situation, this was what I chose between. I might be missing out on the next love story to be penned into a legend for the coming centuries, but I'll take my chances.

As a final word, to this other person:
Thank you for coming into my life and deeming me worthy enough to be your BFF. Thank you for the food, company, emotional support, and great memories. But it seems like our time has come to an end for now, and the experiences and memories will be forever cherished.

Friday, January 25, 2019

Piercing #11: Tongue piercing

Hey, people...

Alyssa Edwards Back Again
If you don't get this reference... I'm not explaining it. Google it.

Would it surprise anyone that I went ahead to get yet another piercing? Probably not. The boyfriend is just curious about why I haven't gotten something like a nose piercing yet. Not rejecting the idea, but for now, despite my deep obsession with Miyavi's old eyebrow and lip piercings, I'll keep it to things that aren't immediately visible.

I also contemplated the acquisition of a split tongue... but I decided that it was wayyy too intimidating.

Anyway, I thought I'd give the new tattoo and piercing studio that popped up near my house a few months ago a whirl. Prices were fairly inexpensive, given the price benchmark presented by the only other two piercing-focused studios I know of.

This was actually a piercing date of sorts: I went with Ken Min, who wanted an industrial. With a black sugar bubble tea in hand, we entered the studio and signed indemnity forms before proceeding with the piercing itself.

Ken Min went ahead first, which was not intentional, but I suppose it was for the best as well, because the sight of me having my tongue manhandled before his own piercing might've been really nerve-wracking lol. Mind you, I have never tried needles for ear piercings before - all 8 of my ear piercings were done in malls in dodgy jewelry stores with the spring-loaded gun. Heck, even my lob stretching was DIY-ed with about a hundred plastic retainers slowly jammed in.

I was given diluted Listerine to gargle before and after the piercing itself, and the piercer (Marcus, whom I heavily suspect is the same person who did my belly piercing), and was told I had a fairly short-webbed tongue, which isn't an issue but might just be more uncomfortable compared to if I had a longer web (that small stretch of tissue extending from the base of your mouth to your tongue).

In terms of pain, it really wasn't near as painful as I thought it would've been. There was a pinch, and what was left was just... discomfort cuz I had a long, black foreign object in my mouth lol. There was a good minute or so actually spent on trying to get the jewelry on though, cuz the short webbing restricted how far my tongue could protrude from the oral cavity itself.

The hours after the piercing were, honestly, torturous - I was unable to even swallow properly, let alone eat. I thought soft, mashed food would've sufficed, but I was beyond wrong. It was really more of an intense discomfort, rather than actual pain for the first few days, as the barbell length that accommodated the swelling also didn't allow the jewelry to sit comfortably in the mouth - it was either pressing against the bottom of the mouth (near the saliva gland) or the top of the mouth.

Sleeping was even more torturous, but only for the first night - pretty much every position led to this new, heavy foreign object to press against different side of an open wound, leading to great discomfort.

In the next couple days, I lived off Campbell's cream of mushroom that had been put through a blender (and subsequently burned myself cuz I'm an idiot, obviously). The first bit of actual solid food I tried was agedashi tofu, and since then I've been gradually been able to eat food that required more chewing, including murukku, katsu, and a full spaghetti dish. It's still limited to really small mouthfuls at a time, though, and it take maybe twice the usual amount of time to finish something.

In terms of speech, the first few days were almost impossible to speak without getting frustrated with myself, as I had to speak very slowly and carefully yet still unable to pronounce a lot of words. But from the third day onward, I slowly regained the ability to speak, albeit with a tiny bit of pain at first. It's now day 12 and I'm almost back to normal speech, with a bit of "leaks" here and there for the sounds that need sharp tongue movements.

I suppose all in all, the thing about getting a tongue piercing is not really painful (which now explains why more people than I expected actually have it done??), but it does take guts to decide to get it, and it tests the shit out of your adaptability and planning. It's more of a "getting used to it" rather than "you'll need the pain tolerance to get it".

It's only been just under two weeks and I feel like I'm good to get the jewelry swapped out for a shorter post, partially cuz it's just a pain in the ass to have something so damn long in your mouth lol.

Let's end with some FAQ lol:
    Not as much as I thought it would, and it was surprisingly tolerable. It's more of an immense discomfort with mild pain.
    My question is... why not? I liked it and I wanted it, so I got it. It's not for anyone, or any specific purpose to be "different" - the sex appeal and aesthetic that comes with it is just a nice bonus lol. And the thing is, if you end up not liking a piercing, you could just take out the jewelry and let the wound close up, which is why it's a much better way to experiment with your aesthetic as it's much lower commitment compared to tattoos.
    I still have a thing where I'm not confident in my career footing, so I'm just gonna keep most mods out out of direct sight, just in case. And the whole point is for it to me somewhat intimidating hehe~
    Apparently, yes. But it seems like it mainly only if you play with it a lot, cuz I've heard of people swallowing one of the balls after it came loose, but I have not experienced this yet.
    Started with cooled or even cooled liquid food, even Campbell's soup had to be put through a blender with more than twice the amount of water to be easily edible. Any solid foods need to be in small, bite-sizes, and I can only specifically chew in the left part of my mouth (tried the right side and the top ball kept getting caught). Anything too fibrous or tough, like the lamb in sup kambing, are out of the question, cuz then I'll need to utilize my tongue to navigate the fibers and tough tissues.

Sunday, August 26, 2018



最最最諷刺的… 是在健身房訓練了整年差一點點就得到了理想身材將自己的自卑拋去腦後,就發現有脊椎骨的問題。不曉得是因為自己的壞習慣或是提重造成的,但是去了幾次就被醫生勸告停止訓練,直到脊椎骨問題解決為止(沒有預計時間)或是把提重的烈度減至最輕(感覺很奇怪,訓練得像在遊樂場玩耍一樣)。

工作方面因為其他國家部門失策而要我國部門收拾爛攤子,在混亂中還要被先這做不好、那沒跟好程序。雖然這樣而來對公司都好,表示了我國部門比較有能力;但是還是覺得他們這樣來搞砸了事情后第一時間推卸責任說是沒人引導所以才袖手旁觀,並且當時和事後都沒什麼我們可以看到的“後果”… 是怎麼一回事?


地獄似的兩個星期后,來了地獄級自卑——健身房已經變了陌生地方,吃喝方面已經沒有限制,身體脂肪當然就慢慢的提高。之前勉強可以吸氣收腹就有腹部曲線,但是現在… 回到了去逛街過不久后看到某些女性身材打扮都漂亮過後照照鏡子… 覺得自己其實做女人做得好失敗,如果上吊的話應該不會太多人覺得可惜。

還有很諷刺的是往時喜歡的、一起曖昧過的某些人,不是拒絕並做朋友的就是突然人間蒸發沒了對話。當時候就接受了,當朋友還是陌生人也罷,人生繼續往前各自的路程。多年後,在許久許久沒有信息對話過後,突然寫個信息進來,說什麼後悔以前拒絕或分開,不然的話就是作出一些很令人意外的提議。被問當時決絕或斷絕關係的原因就長篇大論一大堆藉口… 怎麼啦?覺得我現在活得相當幸福就眼紅,打死也要滾過來表現“悔意”… 又是怎麼回事?



Thursday, June 28, 2018

My (very brief) experience on a sugar dating site

Disclaimer: I have no prejudice against individuals who are into sugaring - this is just an account of my brief time on a sugaring site that was fueled by foolish curiosity.


House renovations are upon me, and since purchasing a bare unit gave me almost endless possibilities, I joked with the BF that we can both find a sugar daddy/mommy each to pay for the renovations, and perhaps do several outlandish designs like have everything custom-made and play with fancy floor tiles.

This led me to check out one of the more popular sugar dating sites that I've heard of, that I shall not name. Either way, my signing up for an account was fueled by a joking notion, curiosity, and a genuine contemplation that I could very well lessen our new-found homeowners' financial burden, given that I could find a daddy/mommy who would be intellectually compatible and will play by my terms.

Now, this was after seeing several testimonials from sugar babies - locally and internationally - that sugaring is no longer as strictly sexual as it used to be, and that all some daddies/mommies requested was companionship and/or good conversations.

This non-sexual factor was what allowed me to even consider taking up a sugar relationship as sort of a "side income" channel.

And before jumping to conclusions, the BF knew about me signing up. He knew my reasons and intentions of signing up.

So I went to the website and signed up - quite hesitantly - and used a really old picture for a mandatory display picture, because the site didn't even let you browse potential daddies/mommies without completing your profile with photo(s), a display name and description, as well as some details like your physical qualities, educational background, etc.

Even before I decided on a photo to use (and even before it was approved), I already had a daddy put me into his Favorites list. (putting "tattooed" into your first liner probably is a good way to go)

After my photo got approved, I got a flurry of messages all the way until I deactivated my account less than 48 hours later (more on this later). Some messages were friendly enough, which somewhat convinced me that hey, not all daddies on this page are looking for vaginas who can hold a conversation and will submit to them just because they're paying for their company.

Soon after I could access my messages, I sent a screenshot of the first message I received - a very polite and neutral one - to the boyfriend, jokingly captioned: "see your GF still very got market k", to which he joking replied: "so what are you waiting for!" I followed up by asking if he felt comfortable with me conversing with other men in this nature, to which he confirmed that he wasn't.

To be honest, that was it. Even if I have decided that "yes, I'm gonna get a sugar daddy on my terms" so that I can have my dream kitchen and wardrobe, it wouldn't be at the expense of my relationship. But I stayed active on the site a little longer to observe daddy behavior.

I was quite honest with some daddies when conversation got along the way that I had a boyfriend, and that I wasn't quite sure if sugaring was for me. I expected teasing or provocative messages, and as well as straightforward requests for sex, since the "traditional" idea for sugaring was based around "intimate relations".

One of the first few messages I received was from this guy who also had tattoos, and overall he was the only one I was able to have good conversation with. We shared good chats over tattoos, piercings, cats, and the nature of relationships.

One particular seemed quite nervous - he looked young, and his message was strangely worded and started with a huge chunk of spam text. I also got a very straightforward message that seemed like it came from a very experienced daddy.

Conversation with this particular person, however, was the scale-tipping piece of shit grain of rice. It started innocently enough, but he persisted that we moved to another chatting platform, to which I repeatedly rejected. In his defense, the chat function on the website and app were terrible - syncing was slow and super laggy, and if you were not a premium member, several messages could be flagged for providing contact information (this is detected by certain keywords in messages).

Click to enlarge

There was first the "your relationship must be in trouble" when I shared that I have a boyfriend and he knows that I was on the platform. He insisted that something must be missing from my relationship since I was on a sugaring platform.

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Most of that particular conversation gave me an unexplainable amount of frustration and anxiety, but the bottom line was the insistence that I had underlying relationship resentments toward the BF that I'm not recognizing, as well as insisting that I somehow provide more information about myself by moving the conversation to another platform despite my repeated rejections to do so, to which he responded by implying that I'm so much more troublesome than the other girls he was talking to.

To be exact, the reason I told him I was on the platform "as an experiment" (though this was probably the triggering point as I didn't specify what type of experiment). I suppose the bottom line that he was pretty much crediting every "rejection" of him to my mental health, and that just pissed me off.

Anyway, shortly after this little fiasco, I promptly left him dry and deactivated my account (not sure how that works), as well as uninstalled the app from my phone.

After this experience, though, I kept getting dating app/site type ads while playing mobile games. While I expected some "phenomenon" of the sort, what I didn't expect were the types of dating sides/apps that were advertised, like the mature-focused one above, as well as "travel"-oriented and Arab-focused ones.

And as a conclusion, let me reiterate that this was merely an exploration of a social platform, and any consideration of actually engaging in sugaring was purely financially driven. I will not jeopardize my relationship for short term monetary gains. I also have no issues whatsoever with individuals who opt for sugaring.