Money panic

I've recently been having bouts of all-too-familiar panic relating to money.


Given the current pandemic situation, and articles emphasizing the possible economic recession due to the pandemic, naturally money has come to be a potential concern. Thankfully, I still have my job, and given the circumstances, it looks like I don't really have to worry about job security, and given what I've been seeing, I'm also lucky that I didn't get a pay cut.


The situation has also led me into some sort of panic mode where I'm anxious about paying a few cents more for groceries, but still having the intense compulsion to buy anything and everything that isn't essential and doesn't just cost a few bucks.


It's disgustingly familiar cuz I used to have to essentially sustain two people (plus three cats) on one meager salary, while being ridiculed for "not having a real job" cuz apparently all I did was sit in front of the computer on Facebook all day.


Money was an issue - three cats and two smoking habits, one of which wouldn't/couldn't settle for a stable job and insisted on jobs that paid far below what's a livable wage. I had a spreadsheet that compared cat food prices by the gram and only bought the cheapest one, but the efforts seem useless cuz every so often he'd want to go for a long-distance trip somewhere or have a "nice" meal where I forked out most - if not all - of the expenses.


When I voiced my concerns about money and how I really didn't want to have to worry about whether I'd be able to afford food at the end of every month anymore, he shared this with his boss and his boss invited me to a team hotpot dinner at his dilapidated apartment to lecture me about money management, while the ex encouraged me to "listen" while he continued to ignore my pleas to just find a proper job to at least reach some sort of financial stability.


After I left, he and his friends screamed "gold-digger", but there I was, no longer having to grasp at the straws wondering whether I would be able to afford a sudden expensive emergency. I could freely spend on things that made me happy without constantly checking my account to see if my credit/debit card would be accepted.


That feeling is back. Knowing that I might need to return to balancing on a tightrope for a while is terrifying. And they wonder why I don't want kids. Thankfully, the bf is financially stable and doesn't have unreasonable illusions about money.