And whether or not we end up with the one we're destined with depends on the decisions we make in life - which opportunities we take, which people we keep or walk away from, and all the external influences that shape our perception.
Through the years, my standpoint on love and relationships remained similar, while accepting that there are different forms of love, but each their own.
The one quote about love that constantly appeared on my social media feeds, much to my chagrin, was the one that stated: love is a choice - the daily choice to love another individual regardless of their idiosyncrasies and despite the hard times that will inevitably come to pass.
I hated this quote, cuz it went against my belief that love is a pure feeling - something you felt deep inside you, beyond the butterflies in the stomach. Why I hated this was because somewhere deep in my stubborn mind, I knew it was true.
Through all the relationships and almost-relationships that I've had, the butterflies were always there, and then some beyond that. Then they almost always faded to resentment, hate, selfishness, and rarely infidelity.
The last time I encountered someone who could've been the one was when I was single, and despite everything everyone around me said about him, I could only say they didn't know him the way I did, and they understood nothing about what we had. Or maybe they did, and knew how heart-shattering it would've been when it inevitably came to an end. He showed me how much solace one soul could find in another, and the power of a connection beyond just flirting, lust, and even love.
And when I said the last time... yes, I encountered it again... I think. It's hard to explain in words, but I found another isolated soul, neither accepted nor rejected by the world, living in our own limbo. But this time... I found him when I was attached. And this time the fervent words of caution grew ever so persistent. And to each time someone told me to be careful around him, I could only think: "but you don't know him like I do".
And the thing is, it's sometimes difficult to see how one person could be so infatuated with another when, from a third person perspective, this other person does not fit into any of the traditional criteria of attraction. There's a Chinese saying that says the outsiders' perspective is usually the clearest, yet sometimes we are not aware of the certain dynamics that go into even the most platonic of relationships.
So what happens now? I used to agree fully to this quote:
Amidst my disdain and resentment for my current boyfriend's idiosyncrasies, I found this person's company and pampering to be very comforting. Then shit hit the fan in many ways, and I was left in a deep, dark place - all that I thought I knew and was so sure of was suddenly void, and whatever bit of myself that I thought I knew was thrown out the window.
I was an empty shell living off clockwork, resentment, and sad love songs. I thought endlessly about how I still wanted to salvage my relationship with not one, but both these people.
But the thing is ... you can't have it all. It was a full on war between sensibility and desire. Do I choose the sensible route and come back to nurture my existing relationship, or do I go down the path of desire that I was quite sure would burn out much more quickly than anyone would expect?
Most people would think that the choice was obvious enough, but the heart wanted what it wanted, and the grass looked so much greener on the other side. And if I could fall for this other person, does that mean that my affection for the first person
I can't remember what triggered it, but I just had a moment of sudden clarity one night: I was in a place of boredom and resentment. I wanted my boyfriend to change in so many ways, yet expected him to accept all that I was, violent outbursts and all, then I got mad and resentful that he wasn't what I thought he could become. Then this guy came along and seemed to put in effort in trying to please me - insisting on a cake on my birthday, cooking meals for me, and making sure I was happy with the time we spent together.
It just became crystal clear... and suddenly I realized that crossing paths with this person was fate, but perhaps not as a permanent fixture in my life. Call it a lesson, chance, anything - but even if we were meant to be, it definitely isn't now.
My focus shifted from thinking of how to maintain both people, to just focusing on who I was actually attached to and working on us. Que sera, sera - if it's meant to be, it will be. And despite everything that happened, my boyfriend has been the most understanding, accepting, and comforting, even when he was the only one among all of us who deserved and needed comfort.
This epiphany arrived much later than it should have, but I'm really glad it did in the end.
So is love a choice? Somewhat, yes. You choose between what you want, and what you know will be good for you. At least, in my situation, this was what I chose between. I might be missing out on the next love story to be penned into a legend for the coming centuries, but I'll take my chances.
As a final word, to this other person:
Thank you for coming into my life and deeming me worthy enough to be your BFF. Thank you for the food, company, emotional support, and great memories. But it seems like our time has come to an end for now, and the experiences and memories will be forever cherished.
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