A day to a government office

Sometimes it's hard to realize that a relationship is toxic when you're already reeling from so many different negative emotions at a time, but one of the general guidelines is that you always feel exhausted from trying to do and be so many things, but you're still not doing enough.


While this relationship has opened my eyes to how a healthy relationship looks like, it took one trip to a government office to just blow me away.


He needed to renew some documents, both of which can be done in the same building. For once, a drive to a government office to actually get proper stuff done and I wasn't behind the wheel. We set off after getting some banking stuff done, and there was a little mishap in terms of navigation (due to miscommunication), but we got there okay.


Approaching the counter, he got his number and we waited, and while we did, I scouted out the building for the other office that he would need to visit later.


All through the process of getting everything done, I mostly just sat and watched his blazer while playing mobile games. While he queued for the next number, I just sat and watched our stuff. I continued playing my mobile games, pausing a while to get some drinks from the vending machine, all the while people-watching and having relaxed conversation.


The stark difference here was this I wasn't expected to be the point of contact for everything that we did, and I wasn't expected to find out and remember what to do next and where to do it. There was even enough mental room to joke about registering for marriage right then and there to show my grandma who's so eager to "see all of us married with kids".


I never had this really relaxing, yet still mentally engaged "official" outing - with my mother, she took charge of everything so all I needed to do was be there and fill in the relevant forms; with my ex, it was always me stressing about where to go, what to say, how to say it, memorizing procedures, and being chastised for trying my best to get things done as smoothly as possible.


During this entire process, we joked about things, discussed possible goals and non-goals (stuff I/we probably won't want to do in the future), and made assumptions on why certain people looked the way they looked, or discussed how they dressed. Throughout the day, there wasn't any "your opinion is invalid"-oriented comments - it was equal conversation. I think this lady looks good enough as it is, perhaps he thinks that she could have paired her trousers with another blouse that was more plain to avoid clashing prints.


All this may also have been because I was no longer struggling with ill-fitting clothing, impossible sleeping times the previous night that made basic conversation almost impossible, and navigation to a place I was not familiar with. Not to mention the absence of the struggle and anxiety with talking to multiple strangers within the a time frame that I was intensely uncomfortable with.


And even after all was done, I didn't have to drive us home (though I volunteered to after lunch). The road that Waze led me to take was a familiar one, and while the passenger was also asleep, I didn't feel a blanketing sense of annoyance and irritation. The difference? I didn't have to drive us home, I chose to. And while the rush hour traffic annoyed me as usual, I felt much less in a rush to just get home and sleep - the concern was more toward how I can drive all the way home without waking him.


He seldom says "thank you", but he said it twice on that day. Once while we merged with congested traffic (because he knew how much I hated being stuck in traffic), and once before we slept for accompanying him to do all this mumbo jumbo, which to be honest, I'm usually more than happy to be a part of when I'm not expected to take all responsibility for a task that is essentially not mine.


Overall, I managed to get home tired, but not completely frazzled and irritable like I used to be. I think there's one word to describe how I felt that day: appreciated. Regardless of what I did, he didn't ask me to tone it down if I was attracting attention to myself, and he included my input into the necessary planning throughout the day.


So, to those asking me "why him?", here's one of the many answers.