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Monday, December 31, 2012

Last of 2012

In comparison with all the previous years, 2012 seemed like the most significant year of all. True, I had spent about a quarter of it drowning in self-pity, but other than that, the year was really awesome!

Being a Libra, balance is everything. To make my year, you have to give me a balanced good to bad ratio. Which is to say, there was a good amount of bad to counterbalance all the good in the year. And as the saying goes: POSITIVITY BREEDS POSITIVITY, I shall only mention the good stuff that happened in the year.

Now that I go through my old blog posts, I feel that things that just happened within the past year seem so distant...


First of all, I've gone from 55kg to 54kg. Now, that doesn't sound like a lot, but when your body fat percentage goes from 31% to 26%, you run around throwing confetti while doing a victory jig while singing at the top of your voice!

I saw Wang Leehom in person~ I'm not a huge fan, but his songs are nice, and he's acted alongside Gackt and hyde in Moon Child, so he caught my attention automatically.

FICM finished with a bang, and what's better than to go out to a theme park with awesome friends? Sunway Lagoon is a place which my mum has lost interest in, due to the crowd, the water restrictions, the price of the tickets, and the lack of rides that we were all interested in. The waterpark was territory that I have not tread before, though... It was FANTASTIC!

Before our degree program started, my university mates/friends took to Penang for a vacation~ For once, I explored places of Penang that I've never been before, and I had my first time in a lounge (got a little tipsy with a delicious Long Island Iced Tea~)! Not to mention the one and only time that I would eat nasi lemak~

We did two videos in two separate semesters respectively, for two different subjects. Basically, both were public service announcements (PSA). Discrimination No More. Possibilities.

And the highlight of the entire year (literally) - Miyavi's KL live. The most epic night of my life, watching a hot, tattooed rocker bring the house down. Need I tell you guys again that he's the rocker who changed my life? My life pre-visual kei was directionless; when I found Miyavi, everything changed~

Make-up on myself is easy, but this year I reaped some experience in doing make-up for others. Both for performances, but basically the themes were the same - dark, dramatic, and sexy. First was for Chien Min for the night of Expressions by Symphony Orchestra; then was for the PA girls' final showcase for Performing Arts~

Oh, yes. And I finally replaced my 9th piercing - a belly piercing. Despite my previous qualms of not getting it, I went ahead anyway, along with Vivian. You will never know how centralized your belly button is until you get a belly piercing~

I volunteered for a good cause for the first time - once as a Change Advocate, passing out flyers and explaining our cause; the next time as a Live Mannequin (*ahem* lady of the night character).

Semester 2 of our Bachelor of Mass Communications ended a while ago (exams still pending, though =P), and my awesome classmate Justin (along with his lovey-dovey partner, Karen) organized a barbecue pool party for the class. Awesomest. Night. Ever. And thanks to Jasmine for driving us home for the sake of our lives. XD

I met up with a long-time-no-see primary schoolmate who used to call me "prefect" during primary school~ XD She, along with Ken Min, were the people who went with me to 2012's Comic Fiesta. We had an awesome time, and plan to do a group cosplay next year!


Ken Min called me suddenly on NYE and asked me out for a countdown. Since my mum wouldn't hear about going out to have food until such a late hour, we went out to get some snacks and drinks, then came home.

Matcha tea latte from Taiwan Dami's new drink series - Tea Face @ Dami.
We weren't sure of what to get for snacks, so we took a round down Jalan Radin Bagus, then settled for Taiwan Dami (again). But we got there at around 10pm, and there was now a last order policy, so only drinks were available.

While waiting for the drinks, we went to 7-11 to get some alcohol to celebrate. I wanted the big can of Carlsberg, but I saw Asahi Super Dry, and decided to try it, since I haven't before, and I've been wanting to try it since Miyavi's Live~

In the end we missed the "countdown", because we were too busy watching Angelina Jolie kick ass in Salt. Epic fail. =__=


Stay tuned for a day-to-night tutorial! Wishing all of you the best there could possibly be in 2013! Happy new year! =D

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Rock while driving!

I've gotten somewhat tired of radio music (unless I find the songs suited to my liking), which is why I risked paying a potential RM400 fine per pirated/copied/self-burned CD if I get caught. Trust me, driving on an empty highway, with J-rock blasting out of your speakers make driving more awesome than it already is!

  1. Pink Spider by hide with Spread Beaver
  2. Hello by hyde
  3. Shiroi Uso by Kagrra,
  4. Utakata by Kagrra,
  5. A-Ha by Miyavi
  6. Sakihokoru Hana no Youni -Neo Visualizm- by Miyavi
  7. Chizuru by the GazettE
  8.  Silly God Disco by the GazettE
  9. Cassis by the GazettE
  10. Serenade by Versailles
  11. PLEDGE by the GazettE
  12. Suicide Circus by the GazettE
  13. The Invisible Wall by the GazettE
  14. Forever Love by X Japan
  15. Mad Sky by Pierrot
  16. Selfish Love by Miyavi
For now I only have one J-rock filled CD (as awesome as my car's audio system is, it doesn't have a USB jack). I've been trying to burn another one using NTI DVD Maker for the past hour, but so far I don't have any luck.

And the weird thing is that my portable music player has also broken. I think some unknown force is trying to wean me off J-rock. Tough luck there, 'cause even my temporary obsessions with K-pop didn't waver my love for J-rock!

Thursday, December 27, 2012


Christmas isn't something I really look forward to, because my family doesn't exactly celebrate Christmas, and the amount of Christmas carols being played all over the place are just OVERWHELMING.

With one exception, this year.

Ken Min was having some pre-Christmas blues and sent me this song. It's been a really long while since I last listened to EXILE. The only song I have from them is Toki no Kakera (Pieces of Time), and that was from eons ago.

The song got me hooked, though I have no idea how the entire song goes, or what the lyrics are. Up till now, this is the only Christmas carol that hasn't got on my nerves.

Before Christmas day itself, I had a few days which were packed. On the 22nd (which was actually Day 1 of Comic Fiesta), I helped out backstage doing make-up for some of the girls who were gonna be performing for their Performing Arts final showcase. Half of my day was occupied by using up my liquid liner, as well as dark shadows. Super fun day~

23rd was the second day of Comic Fiesta, and I went with Ken Min and Kah Yeng. We basically spent most of the day there, and for a few days after that, kept talking about a group cosplay next year. Hope that one will turn out okay~

On the 24th, I went with a couple of friends for my HPV vaccination. That stupid injection kept gnawing at my arm for a few days. On Christmas day itself, however... My Christmas was completely uneventful, unless you count a trip to the newly opened Baskin Robbins near my house.

Instead of being jolly and celebrating like everyone else, Christmas this year, for me, was quite solemn. I think it's because I'm single this Christmas, and I never really imagined that I would be single in the first place. A merry holiday suddenly became like a forced session of reflection.

Despite my desire to blame everything on the opposite party for my single-ness, I can't help but accept the fact that it was also my fault that things turned out the way they did. Unconsciously, scenario after scenario started playing in my head - what if I didn't do that? What if I kept that to myself? What if I was more like that?

From what I know he is also still single, but it makes me kinda sad that he's now much, much happier without me. He's met his dream band, and basically his life seems more eventful than mine. Once or twice, the thought of asking for him back popped into my head, but I realized that it's practically impossible, and don't I have any shame, asking the same guy back twice? Guess I just have to live with the fact that I almost literally shoved him out of my own life by my own doing.

Having other crushes temporarily pushed him out of my mind for a while, but at the end of the day, I stare at my own ceiling and replay our memories. It hurts like fuck when I do that, but then again I've always been masochistic.

By observation, my life is definitely more eventful than his, but everything just seems so empty for me. Everything now just passes by without really registering itself completely in my brain. Everything somehow links itself to some memory from the past. Oh, well.

Performing Arts Final Showcase

22nd DECEMBER 2012
Regrettably, I did not take this subject. Despite seeing some of my classmates being completely exhausted and stressed out because of the endless rehearsals, the end result was well worth all the sweat and tears!

I initially chose this subject as an elective, but ended up taking Introduction to Management based on advice from my dad. I guess there's two sides to every coin, and what I gained from one coin, I lost from another. MOVING ON!

Many of the people you will see on Omegle are just male organs, but occasionally, you get funny people like this, as well as people who actually want to chat. =)
I had my Spanish finals on 22nd December (a Saturday), which also happens to be my maternal grandfather's, and my aunt's birthday. I didn't sleep the entire night, aiming to get some studying done. In the end, I spent 4 hours (basically the entire night) on Omegle. Productive. =D

It was the most problematic exam paper I've had in my entire educational history - because our lecturer wasn't able to invigilate our exam, many of the questions had to await telephone confirmation to be answered. I spent an hour at the gym before going home to retrieve the false lashes that I forgot to bring, as well as the cotton buds, and make-up remover.

By 2.30pm, I was all made up and out of the door, setting off for campus again. I can't really classify myself as a make-up artist, but I guess I had enough interest in make-up as to go out of my way just to get experience in doing make-up for other people.

Photo by Xue Ren
I helped Xue Ren with her make-up first at LT6. Her character was supposed to be a seductress, whose queen is the Greek goddess, Circe. Hence, her make-up (as well as all her co-dancers) had to be sultry and seductive.

I spent the most time doing her make-up, starting from scratch, using various tones of brown and black shadows, as well as a ton of black gel liner. The falsies I used on her were too sparse, though, for stage, and we later added a super thick pair on top of my sparser ones.

One of the "backstage" rooms. Brushes, palettes, cosmetics all over the place!
The "backstage" of Lecture Theatre 20 was a mess - it was basically just a few small rooms with attached toilet cubicles. And when I say small, I mean small - more than 5 people in there is already hard to navigate. And there was no electric light. I mean, they installed the cradle and bulb and all, but there was no switch where the power point was, so all make-up and preps had to be done before dark.

Photo by Elaine. Helped her with her eyeliner~
Anyway, I helped whichever girl who requested that I help with their make-up (sorry, Karen! I missed you out!), with whichever make-up product I could grab. The room was an entire mess anyway, so it didn't really matter what belonged to who, there and then, as long as it did the job.

Photo by MC. Her eye make-up done by me =)
We had a short break at around 5pm, then resumed our cosmetics rush at around 6 or 7. Performance was scheduled to start at 8pm. Just before showtime, red lipstick, and false lashes were on demand for the girls, and some eyeliner for the boys.

Photo by Jessie. From left, Fennie, Jessie and me. Jessie's make-up partially by me.
I left a pouch of potentially needed touch-up items backstage, then left to join the audience, taking a seat beside Bryan, then later joined by Spellman, with Mr Winston behind me.

Photo by Xue Ren. Clockwise from top left - Zoe, me, Huey Jen, Xue Ren, MC, Jessie and Cecilia. I helped/did their make-up =D
I was laughing for most of the performance, because I found it quite strange to see them act in ways that I know they usually won't (for some of them). The showcase was based on Homer's The Odyssey, depicting the story of Odysseus, who was thrown to war, leaving his kingdom, and his encounters with several gods in the efforts of returning to his dear wife, Penelope, and his kingdom.

Photo by MC.
Apart from some local accent that seasoned the script for some, as well as more modern words, like "kids" included in the script, the entire performance was phenomenal. The sound effects could have also been a bit more smooth, as well.

Photo by Xue Ren. Clockwise from top left: Zoe, me, Huey Jen, Xue Ren, MC, Jessie and Imran.
Imran did a fantastic job in his role as Odysseus. M was beautifully portrayed Queen Penelope. Joyce was the perfect Calypso. Yun Sin was perfect as Athena. And, oh boy, was Olivia the hottest Circe ever! The other performances I loved, but couldn't catch their character's names - Bryan Loh (Poseidon's brother, the god of wind), Ilham (quirky, as always!), Justin (Hades!), Karen, Ady (him and his hair). The list just goes on!

Kisses from the seductresses~ I went home looking like this, and lots of people will giving me weird looks XD
The performance ended on a high note, with flowers being thrown around, and the girls applying red lipstick to kiss people. Some of them went to Desiree's place for an after party, others, like me, just went home. I would've loved to join the party, but I went to Comic Fiesta for the entire day the next day.

It was a fun experience - working with multiple people at once, and altering looks to suit each and everyone's eye shapes. My liquid liner suffered mass losses, though. =P Which means I should use gel liner the next time I do dark looks.

Thanks to all the babes who made my day an awesome one! *kisses*

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Comic Fiesta 2012 (Day 2)

23rd DECEMBER 2012

Since last year's Comic Fiesta ended, I've been planning to attend this year's CF. This time, equipped with a proper camera, and theme-appropriate attire~

At the end of the day, after having a super satisfying dinner at MAIU~ The fabric florette clip was from Bangkok.
I got a yukata a while back, before Bon Odori, when Jusco was having a sale for them. I gave it a test run the previous night, and wore it to CF2012! I pulled my hair into a high bun, accessorized it with a beige flower; used eyelid tape on both eyes, with regular winged liner, red lips, and demi lashes; but I neither had geta (Japanese clogs), nor those cute pouches that anime girls carry when wearing yukata, so I just made do with my huge-ass magenta bag, and grey flats.

I shall skip the mundane drone of telling you how I got there and just cut to the chase! The ticket queue was LONG - it went winding around the hall, but the line was constantly moving, so the wait wasn't too long. Before we knew it, we had our tickets, and had a fun time observing and identifying the cosplayers and their characters!

We put on our wristband tickets and headed into the next hall, where all the fun was, and that was where our fun officially started! Oh, yes, the people who went with me - Ken Min and Kah Yeng. Both whom I've known since primary school!

Culture Japan booth. Danny Choo appeared a little later during the day~ The photo of him is with Ken Min.
The corridor to the main hall was filled with prepping cosplayers, so we took our time strolling through. The first part of the main event hall that you enter is the exhibitors' booths, the first two being super dominant - Danny Choo's Culture Japan, and Good Smile Company (reminds me of PSCompany).

Lots of Miku merchandise and cosplayers throughout the whole event (even one of my juniors cosplayed as Miku). There were also giant leek plushies for sale - SO TEMPTING!!!
We just spent the day browsing, gawking at cosplayers, discussing among ourselves, looking at the merchandises sold at both the exhibitors' booths, as well as the creative market, where creative people sell their wares. There was a lot of on-the-spot sketching and drawing, which made me so jelly that I'm not blessed with beautiful art skills!

Describing the entire day would be futile, because it would turn out to be a very long blog post, so I'll let the photos and their captions do the talking~ =D

The first cosplayer who made our jaws drop - the awesomeness of her entire outfit, plus the props!
Favorite cosplayer of the day: Soushi Miketsukami from Inu x Boku SS. His make-up was beautiful, and kept his composure so well~
Quite a number of people cosplayed Cloud Strife from Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, but more people cosplayed Kirito from Sword Art Online. There were about 15 Kirito cosplayers.
American McGee's Alice: Madness Returns.
Jack Frost from Rise of the Guardians.
Xinyi cosplaying as Grand Archer (Rena) from Elsword.

Vincent Valentine from Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children & Dirge of Cerberus.
The only thing I know is that he's a character from Naruto. Ken Min says he's Kakashi Hatake, though.

Ken Min, Kah Yeng, and I. We weren't really close in primary school, but we had a lot of fun gawking at cosplayers!
In between, we had lunch at Killiney Kopitiam, which wasn't a really good choice, given the quality of the service and food (portions equal to price, though, somewhat). I remembered that Xinyi sent me a link of a planned GazettE cosplay collab forum, so for the entire day, I was looking out for any sign of Reita or Ruki, because they have the most prominent cosmetic features in the group.

There were like, so many memories which surged through my mind, but it was promptly pushed out by constantly incoming new and interesting information. Last year, I found some J-rock artists' illustrations for sale at the creative market, but this year, I didn't see a speck of J-rock or visual kei anywhere.

The thing that really made my day was the thing that I didn't expect the most (that's usually the case for most people, though). I went there with a fully charged camera (it died on me 2/3 of the way through the event, then I used Ken Min's phone for photos after that) with the objective of getting as many pictures as possible.

Instead, a few times, some people stopped me halfway through my browsing to ask for a picture. If that wasn't good enough for me, a group of very professional-looking guys called me over for a super-mini-shoot after they had finished photographing another cosplayer. There were like 4-5 giant DSLRs, and a short stream of digital and mobile cameras in front of me.

It was awkward, yet, in a way, satisfying. No, I wasn't cosplaying, which was what my mum told my dad. I just wore a yukata to an awesome ACG event. The photography guys even asked me to pose, all the while talking to each other. At one point I caught (in Cantonese): "her eyes are so beautiful". BLUSH MAX WEI!

There was also a Chobits Freya cosplayer who asked me to take a photo with him. I wonder if I will ever see those photos... I'd appreciate it if anyone could give me a link to any galleries with any photos from Comic Fiesta 2012~ Arigatou!


Forgot to post up photos of the stuff I got~

All these came in the goodie bag given to us when we bought the tickets~ A Vanguard leaflet, a postcard from Hotlink promoting Super Star Live, as well as a booklet, and the Comic Fiesta Event Survival Guide!
Ever since I got my car, I've been searching high and low for various windshield stickers, and I got this one from one of the Creative Art Market booths for RM8~

Light brown furry hat with ears~ RM30 from Nozomi Enterprise~ I bloody love this hat! I shall wear this to the first day of semester 3!!!

Saturday, December 15, 2012

The Hobbit + the most epic class party ever

Our class was at 10am, but we went to the 8am slot, just because Jasmine and I couldn't fall asleep in our cars. We had a movie plan - Life of Pi.

Deelish pork noodles~
After a rather quick tutorial class, Jessica brought us out for pork noodles at SS15. I forgot the name of the place, but the noodles were delectable. I had kway teow with mine, and had innards included. I eat innards, except for liver, but the soup was flavorful enough for me to eat the liver as well~

I was a tad pricey, though - RM5.70 per bowl, regardless of whether you have innards or not. The entire time we were there, there were two ladies at the back of the restaurant chopping chillies. There were more chillies there than I've ever seen in my life.

Promotional poster.
After brunch, we were taken back to campus to my car, and I drove the both of us to Paradigm Mall. We went straight to GSC, and asked about Life of Pi, but the time didn't match our schedule, so we opted for The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey as per my suggestion.

The movie was about 2.5-3 hours, but it seemed like just an hour and a half (I take this as a sign that I was totally engrossed the movie, and enjoyed it). Thorin Oakenshield (Richard Armitage) and Kili (Aidan Turner) were super HAWT.

The dwarves. Smack in the center is Thorin son of Thrain (Richard Armitage); top row second from left is Kili, the archer (Aidan Turner). Hawtz
I've read the book (YOU MUST READ THE BOOK!) by, needless to say, J. R. R. Tolkien, and Peter Jackson had made a few twists to it, such as including Galadriel (Cate Blanchett) in the story, although she was not mentioned in the book.

This movie is the first part of the three movies that shall depict The Hobbit visually. According to information on Wikipedia, the other two parts will be released in 2013 and 2014 respectively.

Garden Recipe's menu. No MSG, no coloring, no preservatives, natural and organic
We had lunch at Garden Recipe, a cafe that has intricate wallpaper and nice Victorian-ish garden decorations, as well as healthy food. I.e. they substitute white rice with organic brown rice.

Nyonya laksa ramen - complete with crispy fried bean curd skins, French bean and eggplant sticks, as well as fresh, juicy shrimp!
The menu is quite pricey, that's why I opted for a selection from the set menu - nyonya laksa ramen. Odd combination, but it was tasty~ For RM9.90 (subject to service charge), it came with a green tea.

We went for back for badminton at 6pm-ish. Alex, Justin, Jasmine and yours truly. Louis was supposed to join us, but he had some more stuff to do in Ipoh, so he couldn't make it. To be honest, most of the workout was due to silent laughter, and not really the badminton.


My classmates' posts on the partay:

Us with our lecturer~ He's an awesome guy =D
Nothing happened on Friday until around evening. A few classmates had put together a BBQ party for the entire class (almost 200 people, mind you) of BMC semester 2 to celebrate pre-exams. Of the many people, about 70 people attended, including our Innovative Media lecturer, Mr Alex Tan. =D

Food credit mostly goes to Karen, who made practically all the food we ate that night - fruit tarts, fried spaghetti, lasagna, mashed potatoes, the marinaded beef and chicken wings. It wasn't like the usual stuff you find at typically BBQ parties - the food was just delectable, and thanks Yen Huan, Justin, Karen, and everyone else who was working at the BBQ stove practically all night, making yummy chicken wings for us to devour!

We met up at SLC at Taylor's at around 6pm, before Ady led the way to the venue. From campus, a line of Myvis went all the way deep into USJ17 (or so it seemed), just pass a sekolah rendah agama (religious primary school, I think it's translated).

Most of the girls before all the pool-throwing commenced. Bitchin'~ Photo by Linda Sun.
Nothing much happened at first, because the guys at the barbeque were trying to get the fire going.

Random person: "Are you sure you have enough lighters for the barbeque?"
Karen: "Do you know how many smokers are here?"

We nibbled on the fruit tarts (my favorite biscuit-like crust~) while waiting. Then we took a walk outside down the street - all the luxurious, gateless semi-Ds... Each with at least 3 cars, all of which were either Mercedes, BMWs or some high end luxury car.

The first one into the pool was Jo Ee and Joyce, forgot which one first. XD We took a few rounds of photos, including one of a yellow ukelele with a smiley face painted on it, and before I knew it, I was being dragged out.

At first it was just someone pulling me by the arms, then I was being dragged on my butt. Next thing you know, Brian See grabbed my legs, and I was hauled to the edge of the pool. Thus, I was the third person to be soaked.

After a few rounds of pushing and being pushed into the pool (including once by my lectuer =__=), FOOD! The lasagna had cucumbers in it, which was a bit weird for me, but it was delicious all the same. The spaghetti had a particularly unique flavor to it, and the mashed potatoes were oh-so-oishii~

The highlight of the night, apart from the booze. =D Thanks, Karen!
I had a chicken wing, waited for more, but they took a tad too long to cook, and the line for wings were long, so I gave up and had a beer, instead. =D

Ilham came around, and there was music. Soon, random people were being dragged out (by those who were already wet, mostly) and thrown into the pool. This was usually accompanied by screams from girls, and the occasional slip up of timing, which led to lots of bruises on the "victims'" part.

I got one, on my butt, after someone (forgot who, again) tried to carry me, but slipped, and my butt hit the edge of the pool, and I slid into the water. =P

My "twin" - Charlotte. A lot of people have said that we look alike. Do we? We were even wearing similar clothes that night (I tied up my H&M tank XD)!
The entire night, everyone was just partying - talking, splashing, drinking, dancing. Those aren't the exact words to describe the party, but that was close. It was the first of the kind that I've been to, but the most awesome party I've ever been a part of.

Halim, Charlotte, Alex and Ilham with me =D Apart from all those from high school, Ilham is the only J-rock/visual kei fan I've encountered in university up till now~
Got more woozy than I usually would get, and became a little more friendly with the guys that night, and had the experience of an anonymous kiss with a random guy. Rescued some damsels in distress from drunk guys, and all in all, had a (excuse my language) fucking good time!

At one point we were dancing inside the clubhouse itself, on a marble floor, with pools of water fed by the pool water dripping from us. Dancing, dancing, dancing *PLOP*. Someone slid under me, grabbed my calves, and I was on my back. I was stunned, I couldn't move, but all I could think was "why is Ilham's face at my butt?"

Two large cartons of beer, plus 3 bottles of Black Label weren't enough to satisfy us. Somewhere around 10pm? Justin went out to get more booze.

So many got drunk that night, including Alex. I quote Justin: "last night, those whom I thought were innocent became wild; but some of those whom I expected to be wild were quite innocent". Innocent as in, not cray-cray.

Best night ever, and I got new friends~ From left: Jasmine, Chien Min, Jeanna, Wei Hua, Ilham, Vivian, me and Vanda. Unknown photobomber behind =P
Seriously, overall, this night ranks #2 in my list of best nights ever - #1 being Miyavi's KL Live. Thanks again, everyone, especially the people who planned this, organized this, and provided the food and booze, for the awesomest party of my life!


Sorry if the post seems a bit disconnected: the alcohol hadn't completely subsided yet, so I was writing this a bit woozily, trying to recall everything that happened. =D

Friday, December 14, 2012

I Am Not For Sale campaign recap

To him

Life is much more easy going now than it was a few months ago.

A few months ago, I was still bawling my eyes out occasionally for something dear I had lost. At that time, I was blinded by hurt, grief, and many other negative emotions that just clouded my mind very much. I think a recent crush cleared my head - everything is just me, or at least most of it.

One and a half years - fell apart just like that. Because of jealousy, selfishness, obsessiveness.

The problem with me is that I see my faults, but no matter how much I remind myself not to make them, they happen anyway. Am I not trying hard enough?

I was alright for a couple of months. Maybe it was because there was something to look forward to - false hope. My downfall for so many things. He said I was pessimistic before. Personally, I feel that I'm overly optimistic.

"Everything will turn out perfectly", I'll say to myself, every time something starts to happen, and scenarios start conjuring themselves in my head. But as they say: "the higher you put your hopes, the harder you will fall". I've fallen, so many times, from such daunting heights that I brought myself to.

He deleted me from Facebook, just because I had written a blog post at that time, and he judged me based on that (it was about a week old). I kept it that way for a bit - I didn't feel that I needed to re-add him to prove that I was his "friend". After all, I have other friends off of Facebook, and I'm okay with them.

A few days ago, purely on impulse and feeling, I re-added him. In a way I regretted it - his face appeared practically everywhere (not my news feed, though), along with my crushes.

Every time I see either name or photo, I'll inevitably think to myself: "what a useless wreck I am". Friends think I was alright after the break, because shortly after, I was "crushing on other guys" already. I can't be sure, and I might sound like a total bitch for saying this, but in a way, it helped me cope - it slowly helped me escape those nights (every night) that I would cry myself to sleep.

But to that one crush, if you're reading this: I really did like you. I would get extra nervous around you, I had to keep in mind to keep my knees from trembling, and every time you looked at me, my heart would skip a beat.

Other than that, I spent half a day with a couple yesterday, and I was reminded of so many things...

I remembered that I used to be jealous of them, because they could be so lovey-dovey, while I had to endure being away from him for long periods of time.

I remembered those times when we also used to do all that - cuddling, nuzzling, hugging, kissing, sharing stories, watching movies together... I miss that.

Right now my mind is in a mess - I don't know what to think anymore... Do I miss him, or do I miss doing all of those things with someone, anyone? I don't think something that had been the core of my life for a year and a half would be something that my heart will let go of easily.

Most would think: "this is utter bullshit". But I know, in some corners of the world, someone knows how I feel. I wouldn't call it pain, but this confusion is unbearable.

His favorite girl rock band came to Malaysia about a week or so ago, and he blogged about it. I put off reading it, because due to his "obsession" with them, I became jealous of them, and consciously made an effort to dislike them (most of the time). The only song that I listen to from them: Namida no Regret, the song that he introduced to me to listen to. Till now, it's the only song I cry to.

Then he had a recent blog update, so I took a look. I merely scrolled through, but from the first few paragraphs, I could see that his writing had improved so much - it became professional-looking.

From that, I deduce that I myself have no changed much. He, however, had moved on way beyond me. Actually doing things with his life. Me? Like Ken Min said, I'm pursuing my own perfection in my own way.

Ken Min... I've known him since primary school. I used to make fun of him, and sort of distanced myself from him during primary school, just because he was different than other boys. Who knew that this boy would now be the friend that I confide most of my pains to, and he actually understands them?

In a lot of ways, when I'm feeling at the bottom of existence, he'll comfort me and give advice, which usually cheers me up. Or at least, I feel less shitty about myself.

I have so many thoughts, so many self-conjured conclusions (some also define this as "assumptions"). I was just listening to the All-American Rejects' Gives You Hell on the way home from badminton last night. I can actually say that if I see his face, it gives me hell.

Not hell, per se, but it makes me really confused with myself every time I see him on Facebook. I concluded that, despite all my hatred toward him, and everything related to him - I still can't let him go. Another way of saying it would be that I still love him, to whatever extent.

I know he's reading this, so are many other people I know. Maybe not now, maybe about a month down the road, but I think he'll read it one day. I imagine him saying: "serves her right for being such a bitch", but somewhere in the back of my head, I think he won't. Or rather, I wouldn't know how he would react.

A year wouldn't suffice. It would probably take a few years to finally coax my heart into letting the past, stay in the past. He's not coming back to you, love. He won't and never will. He fell in love with you, and you made him fall out of love with you.

Love might be a strong word to use here, but honestly speaking, I really did feel it. It wasn't just "I wanna do couple stuff with him", but rather "I want to share everything with him". The line between obsession and love is blurred, was blurred.

Why is it always that you have to lose that which is dearest to your heart, in order for you to know that it was the most important thing in your life? Then again, no pain, no gain.

And why is it that I'm screwing every bit of chance I get, every time? Impatience? That, and some other factors.

Why the sudden outburst of feelings? Humans are emotional beings, in me more than many others. And the whole point I started writing was to let out steam, before I explode and cave in.


Gonna blog about Thursday (The Hobbit) and later today soon, if I get photos. Have an awesome day, everyone!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Stuff from Bangkok!

Some people only spend when clothes become a necessity. Some are willing to splurge on clothes. Some are like me, somewhere in the middle. Though personally, as a student, my living expenses are still paid for by my parents, and that includes clothes.

My mum went on a trip to Bangkok with my younger sister and a few of her colleagues earlier on and came home with 2 suitcases full of clothes, plus another large bag, which was also full of clothes.

The moment she came home, half the living room was strewn with clothes from Bangkok. Almost all the clothes there were like 150 to 250 Baht (RM15-20), which was freakin' cheap, and almost impossible to find in KL. And it was even cheaper when you bought in threes, so my mum got a lot of designs in three colors. XD

Like seriously, this is the first time that I've seen my mum come home with so many clothes. Even that time my dad came home, and we went to Paradigm Mall (pronounced pear-a-dime, not pear-a-dig-m). No, that doesn't even come CLOSE to this Thai haul.

The way they described the place, I think I would need tranquilizers if I ever go there - street after street after street lined with shops after shops after shops of clothes, shoes, and bags!

Though I didn't get all that I requested (including my bikini =P), I AM SO FREAKIN' HAPPY! It's like a complete wardrobe revamp! Which means it's time to go through my T-shirts and see which ones I can give to CYW for their T2B project. =D

So here art the photos of all le clothes (there are LOTS OF THEM, but this is just what I got, there's a lot more where that came from):

Earrings! Even the feather ones!
Basic alphabet keychain with my name on it~
THIS T-SHIRT IS JUST SO KYUTE! Those little things the birds are sitting on, are actually MINI POCKETS!
No idea what you call this, but it's a black polkadot one-piece~
I finally have decent shorts~
Skirt on the outside, shorts on the inside~
Black braided belt with a bow and tassel~
White knitted pull-over
My mum got 3 different colors of this T-shirt...
Gray pleated knee-length skirt~
Wrap skirts, all of the same design, but different colors~
Need I say more?
Sheer button up vest with sewn-on florettes with gold embellishments
Mustard shorts with dark belt. There were two other colors, and both the other colors bled like mad!
Blur pic, but these are knitted tops with gathered sleeves and a rather interesting collar~
Last but not least, a Rilakkuma pluggy. My sister went crazy with these, and brought home a whole pack of them.
That's it, basically. What's mine, anyway~ I might post up some OOTDs featuring some other pieces from Bangkok as well~