A rant spurred by having a conversation with a self-pitying, entitled misogynist

Had a conversation with a follower recently and it just pissed me off.

I have a bone to pick with guys who feel entitled to a girl just because... they were nice to them. Also with guys who somehow feel that when girls request some practicality in a relationship, it's them being too realistic and gold digging. And also with guys who feel that having a girlfriend means to somehow control her freedom.

First, being nice to someone else is a given. It's polite, and it's something you choose to do. You do not get to demand that she reciprocate or that she owes you because you showed her human decency. She alone gets to decide how to react, and if she doesn't react within your expectations, it is on YOU to manage your emotions, you don't get to blame her for it.

Second, "true love doesn't see money". You must have been living in the Earth's core to still believe in this. In this capitalist society, can you do anything that is truly FOC? Survival costs money, that's why we work, staying in jobs that don't appreciate us and underpay us. To go one dates, to experience things together, co-habitation, marriage, children: that costs even more money. To live in this money-driven world - regardless of how disillusioned you are - means that money almost guarantees security. Healthy relationships discuss money healthily. We can't feed ourselves with true love and mutual respect. If you feel that your partner would prefer someone with more money ("GoLd-DiGgInG wHoRe"), either just let her go to find a partner who does, or do something about your financial situation: stop focusing on the fact that you're earning less than you think she wants you to earn, then spend it on things that she probably doesn't even want.

Third, having a girlfriend doesn't mean that you own them: they are not an inanimate object, they are not yours - or anyone's, for that matter - to own. To think that having a partner means feeling entitled to "own" them and thus control what they do is called SLAVERY. It's appalling that people still think that it should be normal to control your partner (and be controlled by their partner), to "let" them do things they want, in their own time and with their own money. Sure, they should afford you the basic respect of being their partner to discuss it with you beforehand, but in the end they themselves can decide what they want to do. And you don't get to throw a hissy fit over something that they want to do and doesn't harm others.

Self-pity is one thing, trying to rally others to your cause for pity because you had that one girl who left you for someone who fulfill her needs better is really not a good look. I understand rejection and being betrayed, it sucks, but anchoring your entire emotional being to that one person who is no longer in your life, and who will never fulfill your expectations automatically closes the doors to happiness that are open to you if you would just let go.

And are we still teaching boys that girls somehow have no sex drive, or not allowed to have a sex life? Why are guys still sniggering like children over women having healthy sex lives and kinks? Do you seriously expect your partners to be "pure virgins" until they meet you, then suddenly become Aphrodite with you? Yet it shouldn't matter if you've bedded others before her?

Will there ever be an end to this madness?

Money panic

I've recently been having bouts of all-too-familiar panic relating to money.


Given the current pandemic situation, and articles emphasizing the possible economic recession due to the pandemic, naturally money has come to be a potential concern. Thankfully, I still have my job, and given the circumstances, it looks like I don't really have to worry about job security, and given what I've been seeing, I'm also lucky that I didn't get a pay cut.


The situation has also led me into some sort of panic mode where I'm anxious about paying a few cents more for groceries, but still having the intense compulsion to buy anything and everything that isn't essential and doesn't just cost a few bucks.


It's disgustingly familiar cuz I used to have to essentially sustain two people (plus three cats) on one meager salary, while being ridiculed for "not having a real job" cuz apparently all I did was sit in front of the computer on Facebook all day.


Money was an issue - three cats and two smoking habits, one of which wouldn't/couldn't settle for a stable job and insisted on jobs that paid far below what's a livable wage. I had a spreadsheet that compared cat food prices by the gram and only bought the cheapest one, but the efforts seem useless cuz every so often he'd want to go for a long-distance trip somewhere or have a "nice" meal where I forked out most - if not all - of the expenses.


When I voiced my concerns about money and how I really didn't want to have to worry about whether I'd be able to afford food at the end of every month anymore, he shared this with his boss and his boss invited me to a team hotpot dinner at his dilapidated apartment to lecture me about money management, while the ex encouraged me to "listen" while he continued to ignore my pleas to just find a proper job to at least reach some sort of financial stability.


After I left, he and his friends screamed "gold-digger", but there I was, no longer having to grasp at the straws wondering whether I would be able to afford a sudden expensive emergency. I could freely spend on things that made me happy without constantly checking my account to see if my credit/debit card would be accepted.


That feeling is back. Knowing that I might need to return to balancing on a tightrope for a while is terrifying. And they wonder why I don't want kids. Thankfully, the bf is financially stable and doesn't have unreasonable illusions about money.

ありがとう、東京！

I was in Tokyo for 2 weeks, and am still feeling really shitty about my vacay coming to an end.

I grew up being in touch, albeit indirectly, with Japanese culture, as I had a relative who married a Japanese and moved to Japan. And then I got into touch with Japanese music and anime, which further fueled my desire to visit the land of the rising sun. I thought my virgin trip would be with family, but even after my sisters had visited Tokyo Disneyland/USJ, I still hadn't, despite being the most outwardly obsessed with all things Japanese (even to the point where I "learned" some Japanese).

And then a few months back, I saw GazettE announcing their tour final in Yokohama, and on a whim I thought "why not?"

So we bought plane tickets (#JALftw) and started planning. Well, I started planning.

I was so nervous about finally going to Japan that I completely forgot about picking up my portable Wi-Fi and had to separately book an internet in the form of a SIM card.

Tokyo just blew me away, but I think that was more toward my "objectification" of Japan than anything else: that Japan was great. And it was, for the most part. I never had to worry about being run over, or pick-pocketed, or even wolf-whistled at. Trains were on-the-dot on time, and the service staff always went above and beyond to ensure that their service was the best that they could give.

But going from debilitating desk job with a maximum of 4000 steps a day, to exploring every nook and cranny possible - and still not being able to cover everything - while racking up to 25000 steps a day was refreshing.

Conbinis and the vending machines that were everywhere were godsend. Food was always decent, I burnt out my brain trying to read Japanese and navigate, and there was always so much to see and do, something new in the corner to try and explore.

I had others ask why I was spending so much time in Tokyo when I could explore other cities and prefectures. For me, 2 weeks wasn't nearly enough to explore everything I wanted to explore in Tokyo itself, let alone having to try to jam everything I want to do in other cities and prefectures in a short trip.

Hopefully I get to explore more of Japan moving forward, and visit more cat cafes.

An epiphany

I've always believed, to a degree, that all individuals have that one destined one in life - that the powers that be created us with one specific individual that we're meant to be with: the one.


And whether or not we end up with the one we're destined with depends on the decisions we make in life - which opportunities we take, which people we keep or walk away from, and all the external influences that shape our perception.


Through the years, my standpoint on love and relationships remained similar, while accepting that there are different forms of love, but each their own.


The one quote about love that constantly appeared on my social media feeds, much to my chagrin, was the one that stated: love is a choice - the daily choice to love another individual regardless of their idiosyncrasies and despite the hard times that will inevitably come to pass.


I hated this quote, cuz it went against my belief that love is a pure feeling - something you felt deep inside you, beyond the butterflies in the stomach. Why I hated this was because somewhere deep in my stubborn mind, I knew it was true.


Through all the relationships and almost-relationships that I've had, the butterflies were always there, and then some beyond that. Then they almost always faded to resentment, hate, selfishness, and rarely infidelity.


The last time I encountered someone who could've been the one was when I was single, and despite everything everyone around me said about him, I could only say they didn't know him the way I did, and they understood nothing about what we had. Or maybe they did, and knew how heart-shattering it would've been when it inevitably came to an end. He showed me how much solace one soul could find in another, and the power of a connection beyond just flirting, lust, and even love.


And when I said the last time... yes, I encountered it again... I think. It's hard to explain in words, but I found another isolated soul, neither accepted nor rejected by the world, living in our own limbo. But this time... I found him when I was attached. And this time the fervent words of caution grew ever so persistent. And to each time someone told me to be careful around him, I could only think: "but you don't know him like I do".


And the thing is, it's sometimes difficult to see how one person could be so infatuated with another when, from a third person perspective, this other person does not fit into any of the traditional criteria of attraction. There's a Chinese saying that says the outsiders' perspective is usually the clearest, yet sometimes we are not aware of the certain dynamics that go into even the most platonic of relationships.


So what happens now? I used to agree fully to this quote:

Amidst my disdain and resentment for my current boyfriend's idiosyncrasies, I found this person's company and pampering to be very comforting. Then shit hit the fan in many ways, and I was left in a deep, dark place - all that I thought I knew and was so sure of was suddenly void, and whatever bit of myself that I thought I knew was thrown out the window.


I was an empty shell living off clockwork, resentment, and sad love songs. I thought endlessly about how I still wanted to salvage my relationship with not one, but both these people.


But the thing is ... you can't have it all. It was a full on war between sensibility and desire. Do I choose the sensible route and come back to nurture my existing relationship, or do I go down the path of desire that I was quite sure would burn out much more quickly than anyone would expect?


Most people would think that the choice was obvious enough, but the heart wanted what it wanted, and the grass looked so much greener on the other side. And if I could fall for this other person, does that mean that my affection for the first person


I can't remember what triggered it, but I just had a moment of sudden clarity one night: I was in a place of boredom and resentment. I wanted my boyfriend to change in so many ways, yet expected him to accept all that I was, violent outbursts and all, then I got mad and resentful that he wasn't what I thought he could become. Then this guy came along and seemed to put in effort in trying to please me - insisting on a cake on my birthday, cooking meals for me, and making sure I was happy with the time we spent together.


It just became crystal clear... and suddenly I realized that crossing paths with this person was fate, but perhaps not as a permanent fixture in my life. Call it a lesson, chance, anything - but even if we were meant to be, it definitely isn't now.


My focus shifted from thinking of how to maintain both people, to just focusing on who I was actually attached to and working on us. Que sera, sera - if it's meant to be, it will be. And despite everything that happened, my boyfriend has been the most understanding, accepting, and comforting, even when he was the only one among all of us who deserved and needed comfort.


This epiphany arrived much later than it should have, but I'm really glad it did in the end.


So is love a choice? Somewhat, yes. You choose between what you want, and what you know will be good for you. At least, in my situation, this was what I chose between. I might be missing out on the next love story to be penned into a legend for the coming centuries, but I'll take my chances.


As a final word, to this other person:
Thank you for coming into my life and deeming me worthy enough to be your BFF. Thank you for the food, company, emotional support, and great memories. But it seems like our time has come to an end for now, and the experiences and memories will be forever cherished.

Piercing #11: Tongue piercing

Hey, people...

If you don't get this reference... I'm not explaining it. Google it.

Would it surprise anyone that I went ahead to get yet another piercing? Probably not. The boyfriend is just curious about why I haven't gotten something like a nose piercing yet. Not rejecting the idea, but for now, despite my deep obsession with Miyavi's old eyebrow and lip piercings, I'll keep it to things that aren't immediately visible.


I also contemplated the acquisition of a split tongue... but I decided that it was wayyy too intimidating.


Anyway, I thought I'd give the new tattoo and piercing studio that popped up near my house a few months ago a whirl. Prices were fairly inexpensive, given the price benchmark presented by the only other two piercing-focused studios I know of.


This was actually a piercing date of sorts: I went with Ken Min, who wanted an industrial. With a black sugar bubble tea in hand, we entered the studio and signed indemnity forms before proceeding with the piercing itself.


Ken Min went ahead first, which was not intentional, but I suppose it was for the best as well, because the sight of me having my tongue manhandled before his own piercing might've been really nerve-wracking lol. Mind you, I have never tried needles for ear piercings before - all 8 of my ear piercings were done in malls in dodgy jewelry stores with the spring-loaded gun. Heck, even my lob stretching was DIY-ed with about a hundred plastic retainers slowly jammed in.


I was given diluted Listerine to gargle before and after the piercing itself, and the piercer (Marcus, whom I heavily suspect is the same person who did my belly piercing), and was told I had a fairly short-webbed tongue, which isn't an issue but might just be more uncomfortable compared to if I had a longer web (that small stretch of tissue extending from the base of your mouth to your tongue).

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A post shared by Kellie Low ⇀ 紫倩 ↽ (@yukari_ivankov) on Jan 14, 2019 at 5:08am PST

In terms of pain, it really wasn't near as painful as I thought it would've been. There was a pinch, and what was left was just... discomfort cuz I had a long, black foreign object in my mouth lol. There was a good minute or so actually spent on trying to get the jewelry on though, cuz the short webbing restricted how far my tongue could protrude from the oral cavity itself.


The hours after the piercing were, honestly, torturous - I was unable to even swallow properly, let alone eat. I thought soft, mashed food would've sufficed, but I was beyond wrong. It was really more of an intense discomfort, rather than actual pain for the first few days, as the barbell length that accommodated the swelling also didn't allow the jewelry to sit comfortably in the mouth - it was either pressing against the bottom of the mouth (near the saliva gland) or the top of the mouth.


Sleeping was even more torturous, but only for the first night - pretty much every position led to this new, heavy foreign object to press against different side of an open wound, leading to great discomfort.


In the next couple days, I lived off Campbell's cream of mushroom that had been put through a blender (and subsequently burned myself cuz I'm an idiot, obviously). The first bit of actual solid food I tried was agedashi tofu, and since then I've been gradually been able to eat food that required more chewing, including murukku, katsu, and a full spaghetti dish. It's still limited to really small mouthfuls at a time, though, and it take maybe twice the usual amount of time to finish something.


In terms of speech, the first few days were almost impossible to speak without getting frustrated with myself, as I had to speak very slowly and carefully yet still unable to pronounce a lot of words. But from the third day onward, I slowly regained the ability to speak, albeit with a tiny bit of pain at first. It's now day 12 and I'm almost back to normal speech, with a bit of "leaks" here and there for the sounds that need sharp tongue movements.


I suppose all in all, the thing about getting a tongue piercing is not really painful (which now explains why more people than I expected actually have it done??), but it does take guts to decide to get it, and it tests the shit out of your adaptability and planning. It's more of a "getting used to it" rather than "you'll need the pain tolerance to get it".


It's only been just under two weeks and I feel like I'm good to get the jewelry swapped out for a shorter post, partially cuz it's just a pain in the ass to have something so damn long in your mouth lol.


Let's end with some FAQ lol:

1. DID IT HURT?
   Not as much as I thought it would, and it was surprisingly tolerable. It's more of an immense discomfort with mild pain.
2. WHY DID YOU GET IT?
   My question is... why not? I liked it and I wanted it, so I got it. It's not for anyone, or any specific purpose to be "different" - the sex appeal and aesthetic that comes with it is just a nice bonus lol. And the thing is, if you end up not liking a piercing, you could just take out the jewelry and let the wound close up, which is why it's a much better way to experiment with your aesthetic as it's much lower commitment compared to tattoos.
3. WHY NOT A LESS INTIMIDATING PIERCING, LIKE A NOSE PIERCING?
   I still have a thing where I'm not confident in my career footing, so I'm just gonna keep most mods out out of direct sight, just in case. And the whole point is for it to me somewhat intimidating hehe~
4. WILL THE BALLS UNSCREW BY THEMSELVES?
   Apparently, yes. But it seems like it mainly only if you play with it a lot, cuz I've heard of people swallowing one of the balls after it came loose, but I have not experienced this yet.
5. HOW DO YOU EAT?
   Started with cooled or even cooled liquid food, even Campbell's soup had to be put through a blender with more than twice the amount of water to be easily edible. Any solid foods need to be in small, bite-sizes, and I can only specifically chew in the left part of my mouth (tried the right side and the top ball kept getting caught). Anything too fibrous or tough, like the lamb in sup kambing, are out of the question, cuz then I'll need to utilize my tongue to navigate the fibers and tough tissues.

這篇文章用了很多次谷歌翻譯

最近覺得生活很諷刺、讓人窒息。


最最最諷刺的… 是在健身房訓練了整年差一點點就得到了理想身材將自己的自卑拋去腦後，就發現有脊椎骨的問題。不曉得是因為自己的壞習慣或是提重造成的，但是去了幾次就被醫生勸告停止訓練，直到脊椎骨問題解決為止（沒有預計時間）或是把提重的烈度減至最輕（感覺很奇怪，訓練得像在遊樂場玩耍一樣）。


工作方面因為其他國家部門失策而要我國部門收拾爛攤子，在混亂中還要被先這做不好、那沒跟好程序。雖然這樣而來對公司都好，表示了我國部門比較有能力；但是還是覺得他們這樣來搞砸了事情后第一時間推卸責任說是沒人引導所以才袖手旁觀，並且當時和事後都沒什麼我們可以看到的“後果”… 是怎麼一回事？


身體問題後來就工作的問題，再加上男朋友突然患上骨痛熱症需要住院。這堆屎發生之前還那麼倒霉車停在家外面被人撞砸了，搞到要來來去去警察局好多次。那個時段直接放棄了所有健身的原則，因為睡眠也因為焦慮和壓力從勉強有的7-8小時被減少到了4-5小時，上班時候就靠了咖啡、高糖分飲料、零食等來維持自己的注意力。


地獄似的兩個星期后，來了地獄級自卑——健身房已經變了陌生地方，吃喝方面已經沒有限制，身體脂肪當然就慢慢的提高。之前勉強可以吸氣收腹就有腹部曲線，但是現在… 回到了去逛街過不久后看到某些女性身材打扮都漂亮過後照照鏡子… 覺得自己其實做女人做得好失敗，如果上吊的話應該不會太多人覺得可惜。


還有很諷刺的是往時喜歡的、一起曖昧過的某些人，不是拒絕並做朋友的就是突然人間蒸發沒了對話。當時候就接受了，當朋友還是陌生人也罷，人生繼續往前各自的路程。多年後，在許久許久沒有信息對話過後，突然寫個信息進來，說什麼後悔以前拒絕或分開，不然的話就是作出一些很令人意外的提議。被問當時決絕或斷絕關係的原因就長篇大論一大堆藉口… 怎麼啦？覺得我現在活得相當幸福就眼紅，打死也要滾過來表現“悔意”… 又是怎麼回事？


性交我很喜歡、很享受沒錯，但是不代表你的一句“我的陰莖很大，可以讓你很爽”我就會想瘋子一樣潑過去你床上。臉皮厚還可以跟我說“開玩笑而已你的反應很好笑”。陰莖那麼長就塞進自己屁眼裡面，再信息我就別怪我語言上不客氣。我不像你們那樣像娼婦懶婦一樣沒原則公開開放，癢的話去找妓女別來當傻嗨那樣信息我。


希望生活平淡下來，別再給我遇到那麼多奇怪的人了…

My (very brief) experience on a sugar dating site

Disclaimer: I have no prejudice against individuals who are into sugaring - this is just an account of my brief time on a sugaring site that was fueled by foolish curiosity.

---

House renovations are upon me, and since purchasing a bare unit gave me almost endless possibilities, I joked with the BF that we can both find a sugar daddy/mommy each to pay for the renovations, and perhaps do several outlandish designs like have everything custom-made and play with fancy floor tiles.


This led me to check out one of the more popular sugar dating sites that I've heard of, that I shall not name. Either way, my signing up for an account was fueled by a joking notion, curiosity, and a genuine contemplation that I could very well lessen our new-found homeowners' financial burden, given that I could find a daddy/mommy who would be intellectually compatible and will play by my terms.


Now, this was after seeing several testimonials from sugar babies - locally and internationally - that sugaring is no longer as strictly sexual as it used to be, and that all some daddies/mommies requested was companionship and/or good conversations.


This non-sexual factor was what allowed me to even consider taking up a sugar relationship as sort of a "side income" channel.


And before jumping to conclusions, the BF knew about me signing up. He knew my reasons and intentions of signing up.


So I went to the website and signed up - quite hesitantly - and used a really old picture for a mandatory display picture, because the site didn't even let you browse potential daddies/mommies without completing your profile with photo(s), a display name and description, as well as some details like your physical qualities, educational background, etc.


Even before I decided on a photo to use (and even before it was approved), I already had a daddy put me into his Favorites list. (putting "tattooed" into your first liner probably is a good way to go)


After my photo got approved, I got a flurry of messages all the way until I deactivated my account less than 48 hours later (more on this later). Some messages were friendly enough, which somewhat convinced me that hey, not all daddies on this page are looking for vaginas who can hold a conversation and will submit to them just because they're paying for their company.


Soon after I could access my messages, I sent a screenshot of the first message I received - a very polite and neutral one - to the boyfriend, jokingly captioned: "see your GF still very got market k", to which he joking replied: "so what are you waiting for!" I followed up by asking if he felt comfortable with me conversing with other men in this nature, to which he confirmed that he wasn't.


To be honest, that was it. Even if I have decided that "yes, I'm gonna get a sugar daddy on my terms" so that I can have my dream kitchen and wardrobe, it wouldn't be at the expense of my relationship. But I stayed active on the site a little longer to observe daddy behavior.


I was quite honest with some daddies when conversation got along the way that I had a boyfriend, and that I wasn't quite sure if sugaring was for me. I expected teasing or provocative messages, and as well as straightforward requests for sex, since the "traditional" idea for sugaring was based around "intimate relations".


One of the first few messages I received was from this guy who also had tattoos, and overall he was the only one I was able to have good conversation with. We shared good chats over tattoos, piercings, cats, and the nature of relationships.

One particular seemed quite nervous - he looked young, and his message was strangely worded and started with a huge chunk of spam text. I also got a very straightforward message that seemed like it came from a very experienced daddy.


Conversation with this particular person, however, was the scale-tipping piece of shit grain of rice. It started innocently enough, but he persisted that we moved to another chatting platform, to which I repeatedly rejected. In his defense, the chat function on the website and app were terrible - syncing was slow and super laggy, and if you were not a premium member, several messages could be flagged for providing contact information (this is detected by certain keywords in messages).

Click to enlarge

There was first the "your relationship must be in trouble" when I shared that I have a boyfriend and he knows that I was on the platform. He insisted that something must be missing from my relationship since I was on a sugaring platform.

Click to enlarge

Most of that particular conversation gave me an unexplainable amount of frustration and anxiety, but the bottom line was the insistence that I had underlying relationship resentments toward the BF that I'm not recognizing, as well as insisting that I somehow provide more information about myself by moving the conversation to another platform despite my repeated rejections to do so, to which he responded by implying that I'm so much more troublesome than the other girls he was talking to.

To be exact, the reason I told him I was on the platform "as an experiment" (though this was probably the triggering point as I didn't specify what type of experiment). I suppose the bottom line that he was pretty much crediting every "rejection" of him to my mental health, and that just pissed me off.


Anyway, shortly after this little fiasco, I promptly left him dry and deactivated my account (not sure how that works), as well as uninstalled the app from my phone.

After this experience, though, I kept getting dating app/site type ads while playing mobile games. While I expected some "phenomenon" of the sort, what I didn't expect were the types of dating sides/apps that were advertised, like the mature-focused one above, as well as "travel"-oriented and Arab-focused ones.


And as a conclusion, let me reiterate that this was merely an exploration of a social platform, and any consideration of actually engaging in sugaring was purely financially driven. I will not jeopardize my relationship for short term monetary gains. I also have no issues whatsoever with individuals who opt for sugaring.

Things to consider before getting body mods

Body mods encompass all procedures done to the human body in order to change its appearance, so it includes cosmetic procedures like cosmetic surgery, fillers, and semi-permanent make-up. But the term "body mods" itself has a slightly more biased connotation, and is usually used to refer to tattoos, piercing, subdermal implants, and other related modifications.


Society is generally more accepting of cosmetic surgery (provided it's successfully done) compared to body mods, and while popularity of body mods are rising and thus becoming more "accepted", there are still some things that you will have to live with - whether they're pleasant or not, and they're usually the latter. Most of these things apply more to those who have more/bigger/more extreme or "controversial" types of modifications, especially if they are done in areas with higher visibility.


Regardless of the rise of popularity of body modifications (especially tattoos) in mainstream media and society, there will be a large population of the world who almost literally scowls at body modifications. There are also other nuances within the world of body modification itself that heavily involve personal opinions, but here I'll talk about the more general impressions.


Here are just some factors that you may want to consider before taking the leap, especially if you're planning something a little more than just earlobe piercings at your local mall (which I don't recommend) that will be usually visible.


Of course, if you're already off the ledge, you might understand some of these things, and if there's anything that I missed out, feel free to widen my knowledge base in the comments~


I'm also not talking about really extreme modifications here, like eyeball tattooing. "Acceptable" modification really is a gray area, and greatly varies from person to person. I would say... everything that doesn't involve extreme stretching and everything that can be concealed with long sleeves, trousers, and proper shoes. Tiny, tiny tattoos are pretty much also out-of-topic here.


SOCIETAL JUDGEMENT?

People will judge you. Period.


Parents will pull their children away from you. You will get looks from people. If you happen to be female, you will be more easily subject to more open sexual harassment/catcalling, and some sexist slurs because of your body mods, though this usually comes from already-sexist dipshits.


Kids are usually more curious than anything - I've had a toddler touch my thigh tattoo out of curiosity as I was passing him in a narrow walkway once, but it's usually the parents who know more about the negative hoo-ha of tattoos that sometimes audibly tell their children not to look at me if they don't want to get hurt by me.


It's not always direct confrontation, or audible/visible scoffing, but there are thick-skinned individuals who insist that since we put something so visually glaring on ourselves, we're already expecting/asking for stares, and these are the people who will not look away if I stare back at them.


You'll have to live with the fact that people will unabashedly stare and/or judge (whether to your knowledge or not) should you choose to not actively conceal them. And while most of these can be easily brushed off, this may extend to other areas that will inconvenience you, or if you're a female, put you into a more compromisable position.


POTENTIAL FAMILY CONFLICTS

Depending on how open-minded and accepting your family is, it will still vary from family member to family member. Especially for those who have stronger opinions on your modifications, it will then become a dance between both of you to keep a civil relationship.


My mum doesn't really like my modifications, but keeps quiet about them. I have a few relatives who openly voice their concern over my future wellbeing should I continue to get more. One family member has also voiced their distaste about me spending so much on "designer" tattoos when I could have gotten something similar for cheaper elsewhere. There is also the constant floating assumption that all decisions regarding body mods are impulsive and reckless.


The point is, how you react to their reactions will also play a part here: you could be defensive and confrontational, patient and eager to educate, or just keep mum as they splatter you with potentially distasteful comments.


Personally, I would love to be confrontational, because to be quite honest, I'm sick of being treated like a child in a candy store with a credit card in my pocket - eager to try everything without thinking anything through. But confrontation against my more self-righteous relatives means a shouting match will break out, drama will ensue, and it will be awkward for everyone. So I swallow my pride and let them continue living under their rock, while I try to not let their sometimes hurtful comments get to me.


Also, most immediate family members, especially those who share the same household with you, will usually come to accept your modifications. I suppose it'll depend on how good your relations are with your family members, and what they prioritize more - family "pride", or actual family.


EMPLOYMENT & CAREER

An extension of societal judgement is how you would do in terms of getting employment and in terms of your career.


More and more companies and corporations are more accepting of employees having modifications, and although I have not encountered such an experience yet, there is a possibility of companies passing you on for someone less qualified just because you have visible modifications.


It depends on your field of study/work, and also the career path you plan to take. Some careers are more strict than others, so take this into account if you have a passion for a career that might be more attentive to such employee details.


If you're unsure, it would be best to limit your modifications to lower levels, or to keep them within body parts that are easily hidden with clothes.


I personally do not have a really fixed career path, and I'm unsure about whether I will need to job hunt in the future, so for now I'm trying to keep things fairly manageable, although I have no qualms in getting a sleeve if and when I get the proper idea and funds.


ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS & MARRIAGE

Some may love them, some may hate them. Some has told me I'm the main character of their fetish fantasies because of them, and some have downright said I should cover up because I looked like a slut.


Ask yourself this: if you really had to choose between the tattoo of your dreams and the person of your dreams, which one would you choose? Answer this question with the notion that the "person of your dreams" is oppressive when it comes to getting body modifications, sometimes for the most ridiculous of reasons. When I was presented with a similar choice, I saw that the man of my dreams was really just be disillusioned into thinking he really wanted only the best for me, i.e. he didn't want the world to think that I was a slut, etc.


And let's say your partner completely accepts your modifications (I suppose a limitation is fine, a relationship is mutual compromise anyway), if and when you decide to get married, how will his/her parents take it?


If things get ugly, will you be willing to be the rift between your partner and their family? It will also depend on his/her relationship with his/her family, but personally I feel that actively forcing your partner to choose between family and love isn't the best thing to do.


So far, most of my partners' families have decided to just accept me. My current partner's mother has only one condition - that I cover up reasonably when at their house or out with them, which I find reasonable, so I play along.


QUESTIONS

Now this is a gray area for some: there are those who don't mind questions, and those who detest even the most innocent of questions regarding their body mods.


For me, I look for intention - most questions are based on genuine curiosity and desire to know more, and as uninformed as they are, I try my best to answer those questions objectively. And then there are cynical people who try to find loopholes and criticize/shame you for having the gall to use your own money to do stuff on your own body.


So far, the most frequently asked question I get is: does it hurt? I am usually very tempted to answer sarcastically.


Then there are the very general questions, like "how much would a so-and-so tattoo of this size cost?" The thing is, even tattoo artists themselves can't answer a question like that until they know where you want it, whether you want color with it, and how detailed you want it to be, and/or other details before they can even quote you a rough price.


Another question I get (usually from exasperated members of family) is: why do you defile your skin like this? (not exact words, but it pretty much encompasses what they mean). Because my tattoos tend to attract more attention than, let's say my sister's tattoos, which are more "harmless" specimens of cats and tribal designs. Some of my family had very strong opinions about ladies who have tattoos, and who would've thought that one of their young girls would have a knack for such provocative imagery?


YOUR BUCKETLIST

One of my bucketlist items included visitin a ryokan and onsen, and being an oblivious teen/child, I didn't bother to check if there were any restrictions to these places. It was only in recent years that I found that several (not all) ryokan and/or onsen actually restrict tattooed individuals from entering.


Simon and Martina's video on the topic also gave me a little more insight to the topic, though it would be good to note that their Caucasian appearance does give them a little more leeway as compared to someone who looks Asian, if not necessarily Japanese. This is more of a hindrance than an actual roadblock, because I would just have to put in a little more effort into finding a place that allows tattooed individuals.


So, depending on your bucketlist, your body mods may or may not pose as a hindrance to an otherwise smooth experience.


***


In conclusion, the final choice should always be yours, after consideration of several sources of hopefully knowledgeable and/or professional advice. Preferably with a fairly long period of contemplation, if you're prone to impulsive decisions like I am. Happy modding!

NEW piercing: nipple piercing

My last piercing was a belly piercing, which I did in university and was also the first time I had a piercing done with a needle (click here if you're interested in my piercing history so far).


So for a few years now, I've been contemplating a new piercing on and off, and it was always a nipple piercing despite seriously wanting facial or tongue piercings since high school. For a while it was because of some body dysmorphia effects that made me feel "less sexy" than I was, and it felt like this piercing would solve that problem.


But I got to a point where I wanted it like I wanted a tattoo - I just wanted it for the sake of it, and not because I had body image issues and it seemed like a "solution".


Since this was a more ~*~*InTiMaTe*~*~ piercing location, I made an appointment as opposed to walking-in to a studio. I had two options to choose from - Attic Piercing and Spec Body Art. I chose the latter because somehow knowing that this studio had a dedicated piercer gave me more security.


After some research and a phone call from Spec's piercer Ronny later, I made an appointment... to have it done just a few hours before hyde's concert, because I don't think I can bear having to go down into KL city center so many times.


DAY 0

We were there super early, cuz the boyfriend wanted lunch there, and I was advised to eat before the piercing itself to get my blood sugar up. Lunch was Vietnamese at a place called Vinh City, and I had a pho while boyfriend had a sweat-inducing basil beef rice. The pho itself was really good, and really generous in portion.


We got into the studio about 15 minutes earlier than planned, and while it was empty when we passed by earlier, there was a foreign guy on the bench/bed, and another two girls conversing in rapid French waiting for their turn (they both got helix piercings).


My turn came about 10-15 minutes after my appointment time, but all was fine - I wasn't in a rush. After signing an indemnity form while a curtain was drawn around the back of the studio, markings were done and some clarifications were made (which side I wanted it on, and how the piercing will affect that body part over time, etc).


Not gonna lie, I was freaking out internally. I remember there being no "numbing spray" for the belly piercing, like the ones you get if you get your ears pierced at malls. The belly button skin was just that little bit, so it was a pinch and the residual pain comes as the shock wears off and your body gets used to having a foreign object. A nipple piercing, however, requires going through about at least 200% more flesh.


Markings were made, checked, fixed, and then I was asked to lie on the "operation table". New needles and equipment were presented, verified, and then my nipple was clamped down, apparently apart from making sure the needle goes through properly, it will also help numb the area by pinching really hard on the area.


This is how I would describe the sensation that lasted around 3-5 seconds: someone pinching down on my nipple REALLY hard. On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being excruciating), I would say it's a fair 7.5, because it literally only lasts those few seconds, and anything else happening to the piercing would be numbed by either shock or a sudden rush of blood to the area. Especially compared to the nature of getting tattoos.


I was walked through the dos, don'ts, and was given a care package which comprised of a baggy of sea salt crystals and a plastic cup. On hindsight, I should have refused the plastic cup.


Aftercare included a saline bath of the area with said care package once a day, and avoiding shellfish, avoiding pressure/constriction of the area, and just keeping the area clean and dry in general.


We went to a concert after that, and this long day lasted until 2am, after we stopped at McD for some nuggets and a McFlurry.


FIRST WEEK

Literally the next day was mother's day, and we were celebrating at Grub by Ahong & Friends. The steak options were either too crazily expensive, or came with a salad that I'd probably not eat, and the other most interesting item and potentially not underportioned item was the lamb and clam stew.


So yes, I had shellfish THE DAY AFTER the piercing, but apart from some light bleeding which I assume is from doing housework, there wasn't much issues - no itching, aches: zilch.


The initial challenge is to find clothes that I could wear to work that wouldn't be TOO exposing because I decided to just go braless for the first week or so to give it ample time to heal before going back to bras and gym. My go-tos were mainly florals that acted as visual distractions.


I ran out of tops that I could wear without a bra underneath by 18/5, and got back to the gym the next Monday.


FIRST MONTH

During the 2nd week, the only issues were bra padding, cuz even when the bras were not tight, living in a humid and ridiculously hot country contributes to excessive sweating and the bra padding doesn't really allow any room for ventilation. And sometimes the padding pushes the nipple into a weird angle that isn't painful, but just mildly uncomfortable. And the only time I risk snagging and ripping on the jewellery is during showers when I'm trying to wash my back.


Other than that, going back to the gym and several other activities have been A-OK. I just had to make sure to give it a quick clean in the middle of longer/sweatier days (I use Avene Thermal Water) to reduce discharge build-up and hence risk of infection.


I also somehow managed to go to work braless for a few days with appropriate clothing without attracting too much attention to myself (though now that I think of it, it may have been quite obvious, but I suppose this would be an awkward topic to bring up).


Overall, it's been a fairly uneventful first month. Thankfully, I didn't go ahead to buy new clothes just for a new piercing, and I really can't wait to get my jewellery upgraded~

hyde Acoustic Concert Tour 2018 -Kuro Misa- Live in KL

hyde was my second Japanese music obsession, right after I found Gackt performing Returner: Yami no Shuuen on Music Station. Because of Moon Child, there was a plethora of material on YouTube about both of them at the time, and somehow hyde's (and subsequently L'Arc~en~Ciel's) harder rock sound drew me in deeper.


I pretty much gave up hope of any of the musicians that I truly liked to have a tour stop in Malaysia, what with their elaborate and largely androgynous costumes. But lo and behold, Miyavi came thrice so far, and we now have hyde, one of the biggest voices in the J-rock scene, and memorable to several because of his voice in various anime OPs and EDs.


I almost died when I saw the ad on my feed. Immediately, I knew I was gonna see him even if I couldn't afford the most expensive ticket that came with a meet-and-greet. Passing up this opportunity was not an option - who knows if he's gonna be here again, even when I can afford the most expensive tickets by that time?

But I couldn't afford the RM700-ish VIP tickets, so I settled for area C1 tickets (a.k.a one of the cheapest types). And because the only other hyde fan in the office had other budget plans that could not include hyde, I dragged the boyfriend there.


As the Asia tour started (first stop in Shanghai), someone posted the performance song list. I felt a little bit of a fraud in terms of being a fan of hyde, because among the 10+ songs listed, I only immediately knew three of them. It was that persistent feeling that I wasn't a "real" enough fan that I didn't know all of the songs he would probably perform, and for those that I knew, I didn't know all the lyrics by heart.

These were the only two practical options since I was also gonna have a piercing done before the concert.

Attire-wise, I wasn't really sure what I was supposed to wear - knowing hyde, his style would be fairly fancy, but mostly in black. Almost like romantic lolita with a hyde twist, but this was acoustic - so do I go all black? Rocker? Dressed up? Pretty casual? For whatever reason, I only knew that I was gonna wear fishnets with my denim shorts and comfy shoes that weren't my Birkenstocks.

Apparently Korean food, served in a bento box.

After a fairly hefty dinner at Avenue K, we headed back to the venue, where more and more people flooded in. The long sleeved tee I planned to get was sold out by the time I got there, so I settled for a short-sleeved tee.

A post shared by Kellie Low    ◐ ⇀ 紫倩 ↽ ◑ (@yukari_ivankov) on May 12, 2018 at 8:06am PDT

Overall, I was in a state of disbelief throughout most of the concert - one of my teenage heroes was now performing in front of me, with just a band accompanying him on the stage. Despite not knowing more than half the songs being performed, I still cried my eyes out for most of the concert - especially at My Heart Draws a Dream.


There were also a handful of peeps I knew from the first Miyavi concert, including the most hyper woman I've ever seen, who also so far poses the best in photos.

A post shared by Kellie Low    ◐ ⇀ 紫倩 ↽ ◑ (@yukari_ivankov) on May 12, 2018 at 8:25pm PDT

It wasn't to say that I had no friends in high school, but I knew I was part of the group only because I was in the same class. Japanese music, specifically from Gackt, hyde, Miyavi, and the GazettE slowly became things that I realized only I knew and appreciated. Their music was vastly different from the music that my peers listened to, and whether it was a funky, funny song, or a romantic depiction of potential depression, their music spoke to me in a way that no other music has spoken to me - even up till now.


For years, I craved hyde's angel wings tattoos, and basked in his creativity especially when things got hard. It's hard to describe what he meant to me during my teens, and I'm so thankful that he included KL as one of his tour destinations.


I don't have many actual things on my bucketlist, but it included seeing Gackt, hyde, Miyavi, and the GazettE live respectively. I have two items crossed off the list. And seeing that GazettE will have an even slimmer chance of coming to SEA, I'll probably need to save up a lot before they *touchwood* decide to disband.

Kids are not my thing. Period.

Because I'm too selfish to be a parent.


Raising children is a huge sacrifice in itself. And the thing is that there is no guarantee - despite best efforts - that your child will be understanding and/or grateful for certain decisions that you may have made for their best interests at the time but upset them.


Also, understanding the reasoning to said decisions made and accepting/being grateful for them are two completely different things. I understand several of my parents' decisions that involved me while I was growing up, but it doesn't change my perspective of the situation at the time.


I'm still working through my own psychological struggles and resentments, mostly at the cost of those close to me.


In addition to this... there are the anger issues, the occasional bursts of violence - the contradicting dance between wanting to hurt myself and being afraid of pain.


Pile a handful of self-image issues and history of easy weight gain on top, I don't think I could be anywhere close to the type of mother I aspire to be - emotionally available, encouraging, easy-going, and the type of mother who would be considered "cool" and can have objective conversations with my kids about everything.


Tl;dr: I would likely be an emotionally, if not physically, abusive mother whom my kids will grow up to resent. Life is tough enough as it is without a plethora of psychological problems stemming from a toxic parent.


And to those telling me that I will change my mind once I go through the entire gestation period and childbirth: no. The risk is too big to be taken so lightly.

How about some credit?

Most of what I want are impractical. Certain aspects of my life suffer because of my "obsession" with practicality.


Is spending thousands on a large tattoo piece that is highly visible practical? To majority of society, no. Spending anywhere near a thousand on a tattoo is ridiculous for some, and some even wonder why even waste money on something that "defaces" your god-given body.


Is spending thousands on a designer handbag practical? There will be those who will call it an "investment", because apparently you buy quality with that price, and if certain brands are taken good care of, they can in turn be sold for near the original price it was purchased at.


Is spending my time being pissed over how ignorant and stupid some internet users are practical? Absolutely not. But it helps me see the world with a larger perspective - different arguments from different perspectives bring the topic full circle even when I'm still pissed that people are condemning Johnny Depp while ignoring the glaring fact that Amber Heard was actually convicted for domestic abuse.


In a nutshell, I would like to - for once - be able to discuss my desires without having them shot down just because they're not a practical way to use my resources. I'm tired of having to fight for everything that I want and believe in. I'm tired of having everyone operate under the assumption that I'm naive and ignorant about everything around me.


Do I know that my wedding plans may be a huge waste of money when the time comes? Yes. I'm not delusional nor am I oblivious about how many other practical ways there are to use money.


Ideally, I want things to be small, but reasonably lavish. There is the insistence, after all, that marriage is the final act of commitment (FYI, divorce is now a less-taboo option). Hence, why not spend a little more money on it to make it special? If we could afford it by then, then why not just go the extra mile?


I don't claim to have the best spending habits - in fact, they're actually shitty because I've always had to fight losing battles for things I want that others easily got (just because they weren't "practical"), and I've always spent my money on impulsive purchases that usually just ends up being donated years down the road.


But this isn't a blouse, or that pair of heels that I never got. This is something that will cost into the thousands, and I will exercise the same caution with this amount of money as when I decide to finally take the plunge for a tattoo.


Thanks for once again reinforcing the fact that everything I decide will always be questionable in your eyes.

三更半夜 之 自卑篇

說真的…

一個女人身體苗條皮膚潔淨的話，不需要美若天仙也會被稱女神。

不會化妝沒關係，要緊的是會打扮。

自小相當女神，到長大了也是一樣想瘋了。

可惜最重要的「自信」卻404不存在。

自小內心虛弱，太渴望家人的認可，但近的堅持tough love，遠的就諷刺字樣用玩笑掩飾。

慢慢地從

“為什麼不稱讚我？”

變成

“是我的錯，是我不夠好…在努力也不夠別人好、討得認可”。

一直只想聽到

“I'm so proud of you”，

可是往往就只聽到

“我知道你還可以進步的”。

天啊，

25歲了還埋怨這些瑣碎的，

還要搞到三更半夜一面寫一面哭。

我羨慕人家好基因、羨慕人家有自由去explore自己的內外、

羨慕人家對自己與身邊的都有要求與標準、羨慕人家能夠發奮圖強闖出一片天、

羨慕人家認同率高、羨慕人家不是我這樣的一個怪物。

目前來說，其實沒什麼不開心的：

事業可算是穩定，有會策劃又疼我的男友，身體上慢慢地進步著。

但是仍然有個覺得還是不夠：

工作不夠努力、情緒控制不夠好、心靈還是不夠強、還是配不上那麼本事的男人。

怕的是一失足成千古恨，稍微忽略了一點…就會失去所有。

自小自盡想了很多次。

我不存在了代表痛苦也不存在了。

不會再聽到人家諷刺的話，不會被自己心中的惡魔虐待自己。

有時候會想著…那時候果斷一些、勇敢一些，那該多好。

但最後我不是果斷或是勇敢的人，這可說是我還在這兒浪費地球資源的理由。

Clarifications

There are a few things I want to clarify.


During the past festivities which involved meeting family members whom I usually only see once a year, I was asked several questions regarding my weight loss. Which was understandable, since I looked like a pregnant whale the last time they saw me.


BUT.


It was a bit frustrating for me to explain things, since they already have their own conceptions on weight loss methods.


Sure, I could have gone into a whole tirade about counting calories, macro-nutrients, and the immense benefits of weightlifting, but I knew for a fact that I'd lose my cool and get more and more pissed as several other people tried to refute my tried and proven methods with old wives' tales they've heard and believed for years.


So, item number 1 that I want to clarify - it's much easier for me to quote eating less as one of the main factors of losing the weight, because technically speaking it is an accurate way to convey this type of calorie deficit - less food = less calories consumed. But this generally leads to constant hunger, and more accurately, I count my calories and macros and make sure that I'm in a calorie deficit (this obviously flew out the window during aforementioned festivities).


I legit have a whole spreadsheet to count my daily calorie and macro intake. But it's soooo much easier to say "just eat less", than to have to explain the whole shebang and get cut off because one has lost interest.


###


And then I got asked how I exercised - I said I went to the gym, not for the treadmill, but for the weights.


If you didn't know, there's a whole plethora of people who don't know how muscle growth works, and how men's bodies are different from women's bodies. Sure, they know all about the societal expectations and child production part, but that's it.


So point number 2, muscle growth requires lots of protein, patience, and testosterone. Testosterone is present in both men's and women's bodies, and is the "opposite" of estrogen. You could call them the male hormone and female hormone.


Testosterone is produced is much larger amounts in men's bodies, and it influences body hair growth, muscle mass, and sexual libido. Women's bodies produce more estrogen vs testosterone, so women in general have less muscle and less body hair.


Having said that, it is immensely difficult for women to gain muscle, and regular weight lifting (even if women lift heavier weights than men) will only serve to tone the muscle without bulking. It will take hundreds of dollars worth of protein formulas and a much longer period of time for women to get close to a more masculine male physique.


So despite what someone else says about a woman they know who do weight lifting but got bigger, weight lifting is an effective method to lose weight for women. It's even better than pure cardio because lifting = muscles = more body weight hence more calories burned, and also muscles = higher and longer metabolism (calorie burning) vs pure cardio.


And I've been doing weight lifting for a whole year, and if you agree that I have lost weight over this past year, would you not also agree that what I'm doing is effective is weight loss?


###


Having my dad away for long periods of time for work meant that we had to learn to do lots of stuff, and my dad usually taught me to do some household repair work, and tbh you can learn practically anything from the internet now.


Previously, my bedroom had no proper work space - it was either sitting on the floor with the laptop on a chair/bed, or on a tiny collapsible table. Since the boyfriend has semi-moved in and we spend quite some time on our laptops, even for leisure activities, we needed a proper space that didn't jeopardize our (my) postural issues further.


I went to where everyone gets their furniture - IKEA.


I bought two smaller tables that summed up to the size that we wanted, then assembled one of them on my own. I then contemplated whether I wanted the boyfriend to assemble his own, but I had to clean the room, and loose table legs on the floor was gonna further piss me off.


So I just put the damn thing together so I could get other shit done.


Some family members insisted that this will further "perpetuate" the boyfriends non-active role, and that I will have to do everything in the future by doing thing.


Tbh, I don't mind. I've always tried to do "manly" things on my own, especially if it's in front of guys (which did wonders for my love life #sarcasm). And I didn't do this to "spoil" anyone, but rather to save my sanity and prevent myself from unnecessarily blowing my top just because I had to handle a few extra loose table legs while cleaning the floor.


Yes, I somehow perceive an hour's work to screw on legs to a table less work than having to navigate loose shit lying around while cleaning the floor.


So assembling one table isn't gonna somehow guilt me/perpetuate him into throwing the ball to me in the future when it comes to household handiwork.


###


And no. I don't want kids. Earth is overpopulated with humans, and I really, really don't want to be tied down for so long, and likely have my kids hate me and resent me for being a shitty parent.

Plus size ≠ attractive

The rise of models such as Tess Holliday and Ashley Graham has paved the way for more size-inclusiveness for people around the world who know who they are, especially the girls.

The thing is... I don't think they're attractive at all.

This is not to say I'm fat-hating, or that I'm discriminating against bigger girls, but I just don't find that physique attractive. They're beautiful women in their own right, but they're just... not my type, if you get what I mean.



I somehow flipped to an MTV-like channel at one point in my childhood, and was drawn in my the cool edginess of the models of a fashion runway show. I just told myself that I wanted to be them, and my young mind did not comprehend this "career" to be a size-specific one - I saw beautiful girls strutting down a runway, and that looked very attractive to me.


And I was a gluttonous child - to the point where at an annual health check, a nurse wrote in red pen in my health booklet "overweight". My dad was the first to jump in as an "intervention", though I would've appreciated his efforts more if they had been more tactful in approaching it.


I was told constantly to lose weight, annual family visits did not help, as they insisted on pointing out the obvious.


When I started getting into boys, they seemed to prefer those with more traditional feminine traits - which included being slender. At least, I assumed this as one of the most widely used nicknames for me was something along the lines of "fat pig".


There's an existing school of thought which describes the characteristics that an individual tends to criticize in others, are actually characteristics that they themselves posses but are unhappy about. For example, an individual may be easily agitated when a person does not take initiative to make a decision, because this individual may have the "issue" with themselves.


I suppose the same theory could be applied here - I've struggled with what they call a "curvy" figure now for most of my lucid life, and I perceive them as unattractive aspects.


Thus, I may have carried this perception on to other women - Ashley and Tess both have beautiful faces, but I can't perceive them as attractive to myself.


My boyfriend's liking for non-skinny girls also can be explained with this theory, as he was super skinny in the past and found that being so skinny was not attractive.


As I internally condemned myself for being rotund, I also condemned the girls I saw who had similar features to mine - stomach rolls, cellulite-heavy thighs, etc; all the while mooning over girls who had the "desirable" features I severely craved - flat stomach, skinny arms, slender thighs that could fit into cute shorts without the danger of splitting seams.


Now that I think about it, this is quite ironic, as my aspiration is to be Instagram-fitness-model skinny, while he appreciates some healthy softness in a woman. In this entire journey of getting my "dream body", he's been very, very encouraging and supportive - firmly telling me that those girls that I fawn over are bodies that I will never achieve as my body type does not fit, and showing me models who have a more similar body to mine which are equally as attractive.


I don't think I will ever "learn to love myself" until I reach a certain physical appearance that doesn't involve a bulging belly and jiggly bingo wings. I don't see that as an issue until I internalize the self-hate for not being born naturally skinny or for not having a passion for sports and fitness.


And having said that, I don't think I'd ever appreciate women who have the same physical features that I don't like on myself. By saying this, I'm not nullifying their efforts to push size-inclusiveness in the fashion and beauty industry, or their other efforts in other fields.


But for now, I can't see excess weight as anything other than something that needs to be worked off. For me, it's a physical and psychological barrier to feeling good about myself.


For women who can love themselves regardless, that's good for them. I admire women who have the confidence to carry themselves regardless of how much society "condemns" their appearance. As for myself... it's a different story altogether. :)

#theNekoAsh

I thought I'd cry for three days and nights, like I did when we had to let go of Dukie. But surprisingly... I didn't.


Maybe it was because I didn't feel the overwhelming gap that he would leave, or perhaps I was just used to letting go by now. I thought I'd be a nervous wreck for the next few days, or at least, mopey af.

Surprisingly, I wasn't.

If those eyes don't speak to your soul, you must be soulless. #theNekoAsh During his last drive in my car, he sat in the backseat in the carrier, meowing in confusion and anxiety of being taken on another road trip. He wouldn't drink or eat his favorite treat when he got there - no doubt he needed time to recover from the roadtrip and settle into his new home. I thought I'd feel a nagging dread throughout the trip and exchange, and probably burst out bawling as I left. Instead I felt really jaded. Instinctively, I expected to see an expectant feline at the dining table. I was greeted with an unexpected silence, no persistent meows of welcome and excitement, no trace that he's ever even been in the house. It's the subtle silence and absence that makes it so loud. The urge to go back, apologize, and be able to once again cradle 5kg of fluff that doesn't claw was strong. I contemplated this choice to so suddenly "abandon" him, albeit to a place where he would likely be even happier. I forcefully moved him once, and now I did it again, and placed him in unfamiliar hands. I wondered if he was adjusting well, if he was eating, if he would try to nestle into his new environment for comfort if familiarity. I was told to just do everything within my own control to make sure this family would be one who wouldn't abuse him. And even in doing so, I was doubtful. Or the more likely so was that I didn't even want him to leave, but all things considered… this was better for both of us - he would have almost round-the-clock attention and free-roaming rights and more people to play with. Waking up this morning was strange, because the first thought every morning was to feed him. I spent those 10 minutes staring into space, feeling uncomfortable in this small but stark change of routine. They say they're just animals, but in theory, so are we. And the thing is… animals are much easier to get along with, and they don't judge you. And Ash has been there - albeit silently - during difficult times. He's a good cat: tolerant, gentle, playful, and smart - a handsome cat with personality. And having said that, he deserves better than what I can give him, which isn't much.

A post shared by Kellie Low    ◐ ⇀ 紫倩 ↽ ◑ (@yukari_ivankov) on Feb 1, 2018 at 9:22pm PST

In case you're lost, here's the 411: I gave my cat #theNekoAsh up for adoption.


There were several reasons behind this final decision, one of the main ones being that he wasn't given free reign to be a cat. Because I had my grandmother at home who detests cats, and my boyfriend who isn't a fan of pets was now sleeping over on a regular basis, I had to leash him to my dinner table, where he enjoyed pawing at my mother when she was plucking greens into a bowl while watching K-dramas.



Also, the change in my life schedule left me with almost no time for him.


At this point, I feel like I'm making excusing for an error in judgement for when I took him away from my ex - I knew there was no place in my home for him, and the time that I would be spending at home was limited as it was.


I insisted anyway - he took to me the most among all three cats, and I had a bias toward him. He slept with me for the first few weeks until my boyfriend started to sleep over. During this short period of time, he would play with my toes and I tried to find a comfortable sleeping position, and would not shut up in the morning until I spent at least a few minutes petting him before leaving for work.


All in all, his life quality would improve a lot with a family who could truly allow him to be a cat, which meant free-roaming and ample attention - both of which I could not provide.


Ads were put in multiple places, but it took a few months before I found one who didn't back out by the 2nd message. She's a young girl with a large family, and despite needing to work shifts, her mother was at home most of the time. It was excellent - he was to have a whole house to roam in, and round the clock attention.


The drive there wasn't uneventful - boyfriend spilled most of my water, Ash kept toppling over his carrier, and it was HOT. I dropped him off, assembled his scratching post, then drove off with my car empty.


I imagined that I would bawl my eyes out the moment I left the area, but I didn't. I still managed to drive all the way from Tun Hussein Onn to PJ for omurice lunch, then to Sunway to shop for gaming chairs.


It wasn't until I got home, showered, and got the time to sit and think if I was a shitty person for suddenly taking him on such a traumatic drive then leaving him there with strangers. I had humanized him to the point where I was afraid he'd hate me for life for abandoning him the way I did.


And if emotions exist in cats, then he probably did feel anger toward me among the confusion and fear of being suddenly thrown into a new environment. It feels so shitty to have to come to this decision, but unfortunately, Ash did not have the same appeal as Dukie did to my family, although my mother did warm up to him significantly - whether voluntarily or involuntarily.


Despite my subtle urges to be able to cuddle his fluffy mass again, he's probably happier where he is now once he settles in. And the lesson would be that I should probably not get pets again in the future. The boyfriend has agreed to go to pet cafes with me should I feel the "urge" for fluff.

2017 in a nutshell

Gosh, the writer's block is strong recently. I suppose it's because my writing is usually fueled by frustration LOL


I could look back on almost every year and say it was a productive and wonderful year, but none so much as the year that just flitted by. For the first time in a while, I noticed significant enjoyment, happiness, and growth throughout the year.


FITNESS

By the end of 2016, I was 80kg - the hourglass figure I was proud of despite dissatisfaction with certain parts was then a giant lump of lard. Sucking in my stomach did not do anything to make me look less pregnant. I hated everything about myself, and since I tied most of my self worth of how I looked back then, I was a mess.


But I had a new routine I never thought I'd be excited to have - the gym. It was a place of contempt in the past, because I was doing it wrong. I had my male colleagues guiding me in the gym, which made all the steel seem less intimidating, and it has progressed to a point where I'm excited and proud that I lift.


By the end of 2017, I lost 15kg of that excess weight. I have certain muscle definitions that I never had even when I was at my skinniest. Although there are still certain garments that I can't fit into, I find myself walking with an air of confidence that I never had before. Feeling sexy also comes much easier.


RELATIONSHIP

I have felt a satisfaction that I've never felt with other guys before. It's been a year, and despite occasional conflicts, it still feels like we're in our "honeymoon period" (which usually only lasted a few months in past relationships).


While past relationships taught me how to love despite differences, and how I never wanted my relationships to be, this relationship has taught me - and is still teaching me - how a healthily stable relationship can be one of the best relationships to exist.


We objectively talk about everything - literally. An open-minded partner is one of the best partners you could have, where discussions are abound and nothing is judged or brushed off.


He's also helped me grow so much, guiding me when I needed it and was generous with encouragement to further push me out of my comfort zone, but never spoon-feeding. There's just a very nice balance in how the relationship feels - a healthy penchant for imagination while keeping our feet firmly planted on the ground.


MONEY

I'm still recovering from my personal recession, also known as money I should have saved for myself instead of spending it on frivolous shit to please someone else. And I bought a new phone, so there's about 3k of my money gone as well.


PSYCHOLOGICAL GROWTH

I'm still terrified of being passed the decision baton, and still have certain anxieties when it comes to "familiar" situations. I'm still super defensive when my opinions/known facts are refuted by opposing opinions/misguided facts because I used to argue with a wall of non-logic.


But it's getting easier to just let go of things that are out of my control, and not assume that I will automatically be held responsible for everything even when I'm not. Keeping a level head to make decisions has also become a little easier.


FRIENDSHIP

Can I say it's so much easier to have platonic friendships without feeling guilty that I may or may not be cheating unconsciously?! Although I pushed through with having male friends, I had that nagging feeling that I may be getting "too comfortable", and would tend to feel super guilty about discussing anything other than platonic work/interest topics.


I can now comfortably be the only girl in a group of all guys for lunch or even a short trip. I can chat about all sorts of things with anyone I want, while still having clear sight of what I'm doing, and if I'm crossing the unseen line between friendship and infidelity. Open discussions about such friendships with the SO is also super helpful in the sense that we establish where we draw our "cheating" line respectively.


Lunch outings with the girlfriends are also so much more relaxing in the sense that I no longer have to keep my eye on the time, lest my enjoyment led me to leave later than I mentioned that I may.


***

It was a year of immense improvement and experience. I got to travel without a strict schedule, order sundubu jiggae, and carry an oversized raccoon plush all the way back from Seoul to KL. I have a relationship based on constant checking of mutual comfort levels, and doing things that we both enjoy, while having healthy banter and discussions (that include me being a smart-ass sometimes).


Can I have more years like this?

Johnny for Grindelwald

I have a bone to pick with the people who are screaming bloody murder for Johnny Depp to be taken off the Fantastic Beasts movie franchise.


Apart from one comment saying his complexion was too dark to be Grindelwald (which I disagree, because Johnny brings a very nice dimension to the character, IMO), the most common reason was his case of alleged domestic abuse toward ex-wife, Amber Heard.


Let's zoom in a little here - his case of alleged domestic abuse.


Accused by his ex-wife, who has actually been convicted of domestic violence.


Even his former partners came out to say that he was never one to be aggressive.


Now I'm not denying that people may change, and there may be more than meets the eye. After all, I don't know the guy, I can't vouch for him -  but unlike the Harvey Weinstein case, there is no other human proof of such conduct from him.


Regardless, the case was dropped in the end, and he was never found guilty.


I'm not denying that sexual harassment and domestic violence should be pardoned because the perpetrator is powerful, talented, and/or rich - there isn't any excuse for crimes like these. And I'm also not saying that accusations such as these should not be taken seriously.


But I feel like because of the Harvey Weinstein case and the following testimonies coming from women in Hollywood about sexual harassment from other big, male figures in the industry, many are adamant that this is another definite case to be put alongside all these other men who have used their position to take advantage of their female counterparts in the industry.


Getting back to Johnny and Amber's case - the case was alleged, no other proof was presented other than from Amber herself, and the testimonies from everyone else who knew him contradicted her accusations.


So now it's perfectly fine for Amber to work on Justice League - conviction and all - but one of the most fascinating actors of our time is being called to be dropped from the most magical fictional franchise of all ... ALL BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE CAN'T UNDERSTAND THE WORD "ALLEGED".


I'd understand all the kerfuffle if there were several other individuals who came forward with testimonies that were in line with what Amber is accusing him of - even then I'd keep my skepticism until the final verdict is put down with enough evidence.


But there is none.


My standpoint is clear - I want Johnny's version of Grindelwald.


In the end, we don't know them personally or closely enough to have any right to make any judgements about them. But I assumed the world would be more skeptical when the accuser is one with a track record for the exact crime she's accusing someone of.


#rantend