2017 in a nutshell

Gosh, the writer's block is strong recently. I suppose it's because my writing is usually fueled by frustration LOL


I could look back on almost every year and say it was a productive and wonderful year, but none so much as the year that just flitted by. For the first time in a while, I noticed significant enjoyment, happiness, and growth throughout the year.


FITNESS

By the end of 2016, I was 80kg - the hourglass figure I was proud of despite dissatisfaction with certain parts was then a giant lump of lard. Sucking in my stomach did not do anything to make me look less pregnant. I hated everything about myself, and since I tied most of my self worth of how I looked back then, I was a mess.


But I had a new routine I never thought I'd be excited to have - the gym. It was a place of contempt in the past, because I was doing it wrong. I had my male colleagues guiding me in the gym, which made all the steel seem less intimidating, and it has progressed to a point where I'm excited and proud that I lift.


By the end of 2017, I lost 15kg of that excess weight. I have certain muscle definitions that I never had even when I was at my skinniest. Although there are still certain garments that I can't fit into, I find myself walking with an air of confidence that I never had before. Feeling sexy also comes much easier.


RELATIONSHIP

I have felt a satisfaction that I've never felt with other guys before. It's been a year, and despite occasional conflicts, it still feels like we're in our "honeymoon period" (which usually only lasted a few months in past relationships).


While past relationships taught me how to love despite differences, and how I never wanted my relationships to be, this relationship has taught me - and is still teaching me - how a healthily stable relationship can be one of the best relationships to exist.


We objectively talk about everything - literally. An open-minded partner is one of the best partners you could have, where discussions are abound and nothing is judged or brushed off.


He's also helped me grow so much, guiding me when I needed it and was generous with encouragement to further push me out of my comfort zone, but never spoon-feeding. There's just a very nice balance in how the relationship feels - a healthy penchant for imagination while keeping our feet firmly planted on the ground.


MONEY

I'm still recovering from my personal recession, also known as money I should have saved for myself instead of spending it on frivolous shit to please someone else. And I bought a new phone, so there's about 3k of my money gone as well.


PSYCHOLOGICAL GROWTH

I'm still terrified of being passed the decision baton, and still have certain anxieties when it comes to "familiar" situations. I'm still super defensive when my opinions/known facts are refuted by opposing opinions/misguided facts because I used to argue with a wall of non-logic.


But it's getting easier to just let go of things that are out of my control, and not assume that I will automatically be held responsible for everything even when I'm not. Keeping a level head to make decisions has also become a little easier.


FRIENDSHIP

Can I say it's so much easier to have platonic friendships without feeling guilty that I may or may not be cheating unconsciously?! Although I pushed through with having male friends, I had that nagging feeling that I may be getting "too comfortable", and would tend to feel super guilty about discussing anything other than platonic work/interest topics.


I can now comfortably be the only girl in a group of all guys for lunch or even a short trip. I can chat about all sorts of things with anyone I want, while still having clear sight of what I'm doing, and if I'm crossing the unseen line between friendship and infidelity. Open discussions about such friendships with the SO is also super helpful in the sense that we establish where we draw our "cheating" line respectively.


Lunch outings with the girlfriends are also so much more relaxing in the sense that I no longer have to keep my eye on the time, lest my enjoyment led me to leave later than I mentioned that I may.


***

It was a year of immense improvement and experience. I got to travel without a strict schedule, order sundubu jiggae, and carry an oversized raccoon plush all the way back from Seoul to KL. I have a relationship based on constant checking of mutual comfort levels, and doing things that we both enjoy, while having healthy banter and discussions (that include me being a smart-ass sometimes).


Can I have more years like this?