#theNekoAsh

I thought I'd cry for three days and nights, like I did when we had to let go of Dukie. But surprisingly... I didn't.


Maybe it was because I didn't feel the overwhelming gap that he would leave, or perhaps I was just used to letting go by now. I thought I'd be a nervous wreck for the next few days, or at least, mopey af.

Surprisingly, I wasn't.

If those eyes don't speak to your soul, you must be soulless. #theNekoAsh During his last drive in my car, he sat in the backseat in the carrier, meowing in confusion and anxiety of being taken on another road trip. He wouldn't drink or eat his favorite treat when he got there - no doubt he needed time to recover from the roadtrip and settle into his new home. I thought I'd feel a nagging dread throughout the trip and exchange, and probably burst out bawling as I left. Instead I felt really jaded. Instinctively, I expected to see an expectant feline at the dining table. I was greeted with an unexpected silence, no persistent meows of welcome and excitement, no trace that he's ever even been in the house. It's the subtle silence and absence that makes it so loud. The urge to go back, apologize, and be able to once again cradle 5kg of fluff that doesn't claw was strong. I contemplated this choice to so suddenly "abandon" him, albeit to a place where he would likely be even happier. I forcefully moved him once, and now I did it again, and placed him in unfamiliar hands. I wondered if he was adjusting well, if he was eating, if he would try to nestle into his new environment for comfort if familiarity. I was told to just do everything within my own control to make sure this family would be one who wouldn't abuse him. And even in doing so, I was doubtful. Or the more likely so was that I didn't even want him to leave, but all things considered… this was better for both of us - he would have almost round-the-clock attention and free-roaming rights and more people to play with. Waking up this morning was strange, because the first thought every morning was to feed him. I spent those 10 minutes staring into space, feeling uncomfortable in this small but stark change of routine. They say they're just animals, but in theory, so are we. And the thing is… animals are much easier to get along with, and they don't judge you. And Ash has been there - albeit silently - during difficult times. He's a good cat: tolerant, gentle, playful, and smart - a handsome cat with personality. And having said that, he deserves better than what I can give him, which isn't much.

A post shared by Kellie Low    ◐ ⇀ 紫倩 ↽ ◑ (@yukari_ivankov) on Feb 1, 2018 at 9:22pm PST

In case you're lost, here's the 411: I gave my cat #theNekoAsh up for adoption.


There were several reasons behind this final decision, one of the main ones being that he wasn't given free reign to be a cat. Because I had my grandmother at home who detests cats, and my boyfriend who isn't a fan of pets was now sleeping over on a regular basis, I had to leash him to my dinner table, where he enjoyed pawing at my mother when she was plucking greens into a bowl while watching K-dramas.



Also, the change in my life schedule left me with almost no time for him.


At this point, I feel like I'm making excusing for an error in judgement for when I took him away from my ex - I knew there was no place in my home for him, and the time that I would be spending at home was limited as it was.


I insisted anyway - he took to me the most among all three cats, and I had a bias toward him. He slept with me for the first few weeks until my boyfriend started to sleep over. During this short period of time, he would play with my toes and I tried to find a comfortable sleeping position, and would not shut up in the morning until I spent at least a few minutes petting him before leaving for work.


All in all, his life quality would improve a lot with a family who could truly allow him to be a cat, which meant free-roaming and ample attention - both of which I could not provide.


Ads were put in multiple places, but it took a few months before I found one who didn't back out by the 2nd message. She's a young girl with a large family, and despite needing to work shifts, her mother was at home most of the time. It was excellent - he was to have a whole house to roam in, and round the clock attention.


The drive there wasn't uneventful - boyfriend spilled most of my water, Ash kept toppling over his carrier, and it was HOT. I dropped him off, assembled his scratching post, then drove off with my car empty.


I imagined that I would bawl my eyes out the moment I left the area, but I didn't. I still managed to drive all the way from Tun Hussein Onn to PJ for omurice lunch, then to Sunway to shop for gaming chairs.


It wasn't until I got home, showered, and got the time to sit and think if I was a shitty person for suddenly taking him on such a traumatic drive then leaving him there with strangers. I had humanized him to the point where I was afraid he'd hate me for life for abandoning him the way I did.


And if emotions exist in cats, then he probably did feel anger toward me among the confusion and fear of being suddenly thrown into a new environment. It feels so shitty to have to come to this decision, but unfortunately, Ash did not have the same appeal as Dukie did to my family, although my mother did warm up to him significantly - whether voluntarily or involuntarily.


Despite my subtle urges to be able to cuddle his fluffy mass again, he's probably happier where he is now once he settles in. And the lesson would be that I should probably not get pets again in the future. The boyfriend has agreed to go to pet cafes with me should I feel the "urge" for fluff.