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Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Obligatory last post of 2013

It was the best year, and it was also the worst year.

The best because:

  • I finally found love
  • went to my first rave, which happened to be one of the biggest rave events of the year
  • managed not to bloat back up to 60kg
  • got a tattoo after much procrastination
  • created my first website draft from scratch
  • grew so much closer to my precious friends
  • went to Thailand - part 1, part 2, part 3
The worst because:

Not limited to just all that, though, for both.

I'm starting off 2014 with a new internship at an events company, who has one huge project waiting the moment I walk through the doors. The good thing is, it's quite near home, but getting home will be a pain in the ass - people who brave through the Puchong rush-hour jam will know.

2013 has been one of the most eventful years of my life - I stepped out of my box so many times, into waters I never touched before, and most of them gave me the most amazing first experiences in my life. Lesson here: you won't get mind-blowing experiences if you don't walk out into the open and step out of your comfort zone. So run along now and be the adventurer!

Hopefully, 2014 will be even more eventful (hey, I'm turning 21) - more raves, more friends, and hopefully not fucking up my internship.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

28.12.2013 - New tattoo

My first tattoo was a tramp-stamp, which means it's a design that's located at the lower back, just above the butt. It's called the tramp-stamp because it's a tattoo that's featured on quite a number of porn actresses.

Not the best photo, but one of the only few I have of the design that doesn't make me look like a slut. Another reason why it's called a tramp stamp. Some little parts of the tattoo is faded cuz the clothes I wore peeled off a bit of the skin.
I got my first tattoo when I just started university. The process of getting the tattoo wasn't really a well thought-out plan - I did do a little research about tattoo studios around KL and Selangor, and I knew where I wanted the tattoo to be, but other than that, I didn't have a clue as to what I was doing.

One fateful day, I asked one of my friends out on a double-date with our then-boyfriends to Sg Wang Plaza. We stepped into Tribal Bodyworks Studio, I picked out a tribal design from their catalogs, and there we go! The only two things I regret about the tattoo is that 1. I let my ex pay for about half of the tattoo, and 2. I didn't go back for a touch-up.

The tattoo - including the consultation - took about 2 hours to complete. Costed me (then us) around MYR350, and it has more or less become the rash decision that I'm most proud of (not that it's any major achievement). We met some nice Russian guys there, though - it's amazing how tattoos are as unifying as music.

Anyway, my initial idea for my second tattoo was to get the Avicii logo, as well as 30th November 2013 in Roman numerals in marking my first rave. I knew where I wanted it, and however I tried to rearrange the two elements, they didn't work.

So I changed my idea.

My first contact with this song was on the way home from Klang, after dropping off a friend - it was just my mum and me. It talks about a child asking the mother about certain things of the future, and all her mother told her was "que sera, sera; whatever will be, will be, the future's not ours to see".

Now, I'm the kind of person who has wayyy too much time on my hands (though, yes, I could use that time more productively) and think too much. I put myself in situations and dilemmas that don't even exist, or endlessly bomb my nerves with worries that don't even exist.

Some of them exist, though - my pending internship, my friends, my own "relationships", etc. And to be really honest, 98% of that aren't things that I can change - I can't do anything to alter how everything goes. And I've a habit of worrying that I'm gonna miss things. So yeah.

This time, I know a little better - I did a little more research, but I ended up going back to see the portfolios on Tribal Bodyworks' Facebook page. I loved Liucifer Ling's super-detailed artworks, but Bobo's portfolio caught my eye.

I sent an email to secure an appointment with her, along with my idea. The appointment was pushed back about a week, though. When I told my mum about it, her first question was "do you have plans to get more after this?" Well, I'd be lying if I said no, but I don't think I'd get any in the near future.

Someone was supposed to go with me to get the piece done, but something came up, so I drove to Sg Wang Plaza alone (Waze took me in circles, both to and fro) and got it alone. I decided on the script font (if you wanna look for different fonts, is a good site to visit) - Windsong.

Bobo re-sketched the words, and work started at 14:22. It took about 20 minutes to get it done, and now I can't stop staring at it. While I was getting mine done, Ling was working on a Norwegian client whom I almost mistaken as Avicii LOL *fantasy much*

My mum didn't respond well to the size, but I'm really happy with it. MYR180 for a constant reminder to take the back seat now and then, and stop worrying too much about everything out of my control. And thanks to Bobo for the awesome line work!

Concert/rave tattoos can wait until I figure out how to place them. Right now, I'm thinking about something along these lines for my next one. Sorry everyone, not gonna stop until I'm happy, but I'll stay within boundaries.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Quiet Christmas

Being a non-Christian, Christmas has always been just another excuse for a couple of days off from school, or whatever. But the sea of Christmas movies on TV (when I used to actively watch TV) that came on around this time of the year made me wish that maybe one day we would wake up to a giant tree, with presents all under it, and spend time together.

For a few years, we did have our own little Christmas tree, decorated with little gold and red balls, little bells, intricately woven bows that my mum made out of ribbon and wire; this little masterpiece to be the decoration for both Christmas, new year, and Chinese new year, all in one little pot on the telephone table in the living room.

Sometimes, we would have a treat for dinner as a family; sometimes, a barbecue, or some sort of celebration/countdown with friends; sometimes a trip to Singapore where all the pretty Christmas lights came up all along Orchard Road. I still remember the drives my godfather took us on - regardless of how tired he was after a long day's work - after dinner, a light swim in the moonlight, and a Wall's Paddle Pop - just to let us gawk at the pretty lights and decorations that lined the entire shopping haven in Singapore.

The house now feels empty. In those three years that my baby was here, I could at least secretly treat him to some store-bought cake, or a little bit of fruit during Christmas, and I could cuddle his furry paws, and play with his ears (which he wasn't too fond of). Now there's nothing. There's been no more late-night scratching and scuffling in the middle of the night, no more barks at strangers, no more pawing of our thighs to get little scraps of food from the kitchen.

My older sister was usually the one who initiated the presents exchange. The thing about her was that she always thought about what to get us for our birthdays and Christmas, and it would usually be a gift that isn't too expensive, but thoughtful enough to touch our hearts. This year, I consider the carton of vanilla cocoa granola she gave me after she got back from work as my Christmas present - little, but significant.

While friends were out having fun, at family parties, or with other friends of their own; I was trying to get over my own guilt of being a bad niece, braving through my discomfort at being at a hospital full of needles and beeping machines. It was a Christmas that I planned to be rebellious - perhaps spending a night drunk at a friend's place nearby, or just going out in the evening for a drink with my girls.

At least, something.

I really never thought this Christmas would be like this. I keep feeling like I'm not doing enough - I'm there, but I don't do much. I try to help, but I feel like it's all too insignificant. Every gesture I make, I feel like it tells people that I'm ignorant, but in fact I'm just uncomfortable - I've been in my physical and emotional shell for too long. I'm there, but I don't know what to say - just planted there on my feet like a mute idiot.

And then I'm here, silently waiting for someone to talk to me. And not just someone, actually. That particular person who's hot and cold at the same time; who seems to be everywhere at the same time; is a different person every other day; the kind that doesn't really sit still, but is the sweetest. Perhaps it's a sign that I should grow some balls and take some initiative sometimes.

The third Christmas I'm spending single. Not that it's a problem, but given everything that happened since April of this year, I thought that something would have happened by now. No rush for that, though. Solitude has been something I'm growing comfortable into - I get to plan my own itinerary of activities with various parties, which is a plus, especially given that I have a car of my own. Yeah, it does get cold between the sheets during certain nights, but that usually nothing a nice fleece blanket can't take care of.

Wishes of happy Christmas could be heard everywhere, and even though it's a quiet and lonely Christmas, I'm grateful that I got to spend it with family.

Sunday, December 15, 2013


Yes, this is ancient history.

At long last, I decided on getting a GazettE album to add to my collection of CDs. I did think of getting some older ones, but BEAUTIFUL DEFORMITY was just released, and ordering it via CDJapan included a complimentary poster, so why not?

Click to enlarge. The tracking record provided by Japan Post.
I made my order via credit card, and CDJapan provided me with a tracking code that connected to Japan Post, which managed all deliveries of the album worldwide from CDJapan (if that makes any sense). It took a total of 3-4 days for my package to arrive, and I'm really impressed by the amount of detail that is put into the tracking information.

The package arrived in a fairly large box, something that I didn't expect. It was carefully sealed with paper packaging tape, and the contents were wrapped with an extra layer of paper / bubble wrap.

The poster is of the album artwork itself - the multi-faced animal that is a combination of selections from Ruki, Aoi, Reita, Uruha, and Kai.

As for the tracks in the CD itself, I felt a little disappointed - NIL and Stacked Rubbish, even older albums were better. I felt that only FADELESS came close to awesome. I am stoked that I got one of their albums, though. =)

My first rave

I've noticed that good English isn't much appreciated in the blogging industry.


This was at the end of November. The rave was on 30th November.

Raves (or anything related to EDM, for that matter) was something unreachably distant in the past for me. I mean, my mum is almost adamant against clubbing, so anything merely related to that, I didn't really have to hope for, because there wasn't really hope. LOL

On a last-minute whim, I drove myself to a Rock Corner outlet (and also gave myself a chance to rake up Waze points and drive at a constant 60km/h for about an hour) and got myself a ticket to We Love Asia present Avicii, featuring Congorocks, Martin Garrix, BassJackers, and Chukess (local).

The people I went with. Photo cr.: Rovin.
The people I went with were probably the last people I would have imagined to go with to a first rave - my long-time crush (friend) since primary school, and his mates. Not being racist here, but all Indian. I always thought my first clubbing / rave / bar experience would be with my girls...

Apparently, we were really late, but I met a celebrity up close, and made new friends. And smoked a lot ever since "quitting".

Before this, Rovin did tell me I was missing out if I didn't go to a rave at least once. As it happens, he was right. I can't officially say that I'm a rave addict yet, but I can now say I'm addicted to EDM. It was like when I first discovered J-rock and visual kei - 24/7 non-stop, everywhere, all the time.

Before the rave, while waiting for the others.

I'll not go into the details, but the experience was awesome, and I was sober for most of the rave (at least, what we caught since Martin Garrix). BassJackers was awesome, Avicii blew everyone away - a serious night to remember, and the best first rave anyone could ask for.

That was the first night I went home at 4a.m., and it wasn't for assignments.

More raves? Yes, please!

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Randomness 11.12.13

Like, coming to the end of the year, everything seems to be getting more and more overwhelming - finals and projects fitted into such a small time frame, having to get my internship procedures done (which reminds me that I haven't done my resume, efficient, right?), and I'm fucking missing Thirst. David Guetta and Afrojack FML.

The fact that I won't have a month or so to lounge around wasting my life, but instead will have to be in a company where I'd probably shit my pants everyday (I'm slightly socially anxious, and I think too much about what people have to say about me), learning about the tricks of the trade, and hopefully rake up a good enough report so that there would be a possibly better future for myself.

And no, I still have not decided or found out what I wanna do in life yet.

I have, however, realized that I have a great obsession with rave parties. Rave people will understand me. And it's not because of the booze or weed - just good music, and being surrounded by party people, and for just a few hours, I don't need to feel like I'm being judged.

There are a few posts I'm supposed to write up, like a visit to visually appealing cafe earlier (about a month ago), and of Avicii, but yeah. After finals, and after my tattoo :)

Wednesday, December 4, 2013


I often find myself at the same crossroads again and again - to just stay single and wait for things to happen, or to pursue my romantic future with my own hands, or to just resign to the fact that people are always attracted enough to come close, but not close enough to close the deal.

Yes, I might be sounding desperate, but it's nerve-wracking especially when you've been through this for the past 2 years.

Everyone around me, and so many songs say to just sit back, relax, and que sera, sera. I'm doing that, basically, but it's like my love-hate relationship with Malaysian weather - I can't take it that yesterday was over 37'C outside, but the next day it's 25'C.

And no, I'm not pressuring anyone - I've learned the hard way that pressuring anyone doesn't lead to any kind of happiness (just some sort of sick illusion that things are still alright, just before you fall off the cliff when they let go).

I don't even know what this confusion is. It's like I'm back in high school - there's this guy I like, I like talking to him, I enjoy his company, his attraction is mostly his care-free attitude, but it's also the thing that's making me unsure. Today he's talking to me, the others he's out with others. I just can't wrap my head around all this.

This is just to let out my feelings. I can't keep things bottled up too much, because everything else is - suppression of the being is the worst things you can do.

And of all the people I fall so hard for, I fall for the one who called me names when I was 10, knowing full well I wasn't supposed to.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

That time of the semester again

It's that time of the semester again, where assignments are piled up like the trash after Avicii (best first rave ever, by the way), and the exams loom over us like the Grim Reaper is ready to collect our souls and drag us down to hell. The only different in the end of this semester is that a lot of us (okay, some of us) haven't even decided on which company to go to for our internship yet.

Yes, it's delightful, isn't it?

My mum has her own suggestions, I have my own judgement, but somehow I'm procrastinating. I don't know what it is - afraid of screwing up? Well, fuck that, I've been fucking everything up for my entire life, what's this little thing?

This "little thing" happens to be one of the factors that's gonna determine my future - it's gonna make or break my career.

The best part is that I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WANNA DO. Sure, I'm studying something that seems interesting enough to me, but it doesn't really hold any interest to me just of yet. Maybe it's the stuff that we've been doing that's been unappealing to my fickle mind, but it seems that my attention span is way to short.

The ironic thing is that my mind spins like a top when I start writing a blog post (this rant post churned out in less than 10 minutes), but to write ONE SIMPLE REFLECTIVE ESSAY can take up to 5 hours. The fuck is wrong with me?