Quiet Christmas

Being a non-Christian, Christmas has always been just another excuse for a couple of days off from school, or whatever. But the sea of Christmas movies on TV (when I used to actively watch TV) that came on around this time of the year made me wish that maybe one day we would wake up to a giant tree, with presents all under it, and spend time together.

For a few years, we did have our own little Christmas tree, decorated with little gold and red balls, little bells, intricately woven bows that my mum made out of ribbon and wire; this little masterpiece to be the decoration for both Christmas, new year, and Chinese new year, all in one little pot on the telephone table in the living room.

Sometimes, we would have a treat for dinner as a family; sometimes, a barbecue, or some sort of celebration/countdown with friends; sometimes a trip to Singapore where all the pretty Christmas lights came up all along Orchard Road. I still remember the drives my godfather took us on - regardless of how tired he was after a long day's work - after dinner, a light swim in the moonlight, and a Wall's Paddle Pop - just to let us gawk at the pretty lights and decorations that lined the entire shopping haven in Singapore.

The house now feels empty. In those three years that my baby was here, I could at least secretly treat him to some store-bought cake, or a little bit of fruit during Christmas, and I could cuddle his furry paws, and play with his ears (which he wasn't too fond of). Now there's nothing. There's been no more late-night scratching and scuffling in the middle of the night, no more barks at strangers, no more pawing of our thighs to get little scraps of food from the kitchen.

My older sister was usually the one who initiated the presents exchange. The thing about her was that she always thought about what to get us for our birthdays and Christmas, and it would usually be a gift that isn't too expensive, but thoughtful enough to touch our hearts. This year, I consider the carton of vanilla cocoa granola she gave me after she got back from work as my Christmas present - little, but significant.

While friends were out having fun, at family parties, or with other friends of their own; I was trying to get over my own guilt of being a bad niece, braving through my discomfort at being at a hospital full of needles and beeping machines. It was a Christmas that I planned to be rebellious - perhaps spending a night drunk at a friend's place nearby, or just going out in the evening for a drink with my girls.

At least, something.

I really never thought this Christmas would be like this. I keep feeling like I'm not doing enough - I'm there, but I don't do much. I try to help, but I feel like it's all too insignificant. Every gesture I make, I feel like it tells people that I'm ignorant, but in fact I'm just uncomfortable - I've been in my physical and emotional shell for too long. I'm there, but I don't know what to say - just planted there on my feet like a mute idiot.

And then I'm here, silently waiting for someone to talk to me. And not just someone, actually. That particular person who's hot and cold at the same time; who seems to be everywhere at the same time; is a different person every other day; the kind that doesn't really sit still, but is the sweetest. Perhaps it's a sign that I should grow some balls and take some initiative sometimes.

The third Christmas I'm spending single. Not that it's a problem, but given everything that happened since April of this year, I thought that something would have happened by now. No rush for that, though. Solitude has been something I'm growing comfortable into - I get to plan my own itinerary of activities with various parties, which is a plus, especially given that I have a car of my own. Yeah, it does get cold between the sheets during certain nights, but that usually nothing a nice fleece blanket can't take care of.

Wishes of happy Christmas could be heard everywhere, and even though it's a quiet and lonely Christmas, I'm grateful that I got to spend it with family.

Lines and connections

Relationships aren't as simple as you thought they were. As a child, our mum and dad are married, our aunts and uncles are married to each other, and that's that. Even when your much-older-than-you cousin gets a girlfriend, it's just him and her. How complicated could it be?


As you grow up, you start to realize that relationships aren't linear - they are a web woven by a demented spider. Practically everyone is connected to everyone. You first notice this in kindergarten, when one of your friends tell you not to be friends with another little girl for whatever reason, and you're standing there dumbfounded. Should you listen to her? Should you defy her? Or should you try to be the peacekeeper and continue being friends with both, but somewhat secretly?


Slowly, you realize there are real friends, and fake friends. As well as boys who want you for you, and want you just for your sex. You start to realize there's so much gossip and bad-mouthing behind backs of people you see are best of friends with each other. You realize that drama is everywhere, even with those people who say that they hate it.


The clear connecting line you used to draw in kindergarten to connect people in your family tree doesn't really exist with people outside of the family tree. They might suddenly fuzz out, or go in a completely different and unfathomable direction.


Friendships start to become something like buried treasure, that you stumble upon, and keep if they're good, but at any point of time, someone could just come up to you and take it away by force. People around you start saying "friends come and go" as you share your worries with them about other friends who suddenly distanced themselves from you.


Now enter the thing that all music people make music about - LOVE. I mean, it's a hormone released by the brain, big deal. NOT THAT SIMPLE.


Strange thing, love. And for that matter, boy-girl relationships in general. Referring to the example I mentioned, or just use Sleeping Beauty as your referring example. Boy meets girl, they get together, happily ever after. This shit is rare to say the least. Human behavior is the most unpredictable - the most predictable people can do the most unpredictable things.


You know that girl, who says she loves her man so much, and has made all the promises, all the plans, everything. Two weeks later, she's bought new lingerie for her new date. The guy who's been loyal to his girlfriend for over 10 years, wedding bells already just days away, and suddenly there's another one added into the equation.


It's not unheard of, and it's a particularly nice twist of events that drama producers like to add in just before they slot in a damned commercial. Either it's because it's a common thing that happens in real life that the producers use that story line, or the fact that people have come to want a movie-like life so much that they're grown accustomed to adapting drama story lines into their lives, no one knows.


This is the most confusing thing I've encountered. And there exists such a thing as to confusion of feelings, at least, to oneself. You fall in love with a girl, even if you spend more time apart than together, and you suddenly find other girls you've never noticed before, who might be able to offer you more than your love. You don't love them, but you relish the attention showered upon you. When really, you're just another human craving for attention, weak when faced with new experiences. Your heart really is still with her. And hopefully, her heart is still beating and craving for you.


A temporary desire is never a match for something you've been fighting to keep alive for months. Think carefully. By all means, do as your heart desires, but watch before you fall. Don't be like me - a wreck of emotions.

Reflection a la PDP

One of my classmates and friend, Crystal, recently had her article published on the PEMANDU Perspectives website - give it a read here.


I have many classmates like Crystal - academic achievers, social butterflies, sometimes both and more. And I think I can categorize all of those people under "high achievers", or at least they've done something in their life. Seeing their achievements make me take a step back and reevaluate what I'm doing right now.


So what if I'm pursuing a degree? To be honest, that's just something to make my curriculum vitae seem a little less ragged, at the rate I'm going. While many of my classmates and friends are scoring over 3.5 CGPA and getting on the Dean's list, I'm somehow embarrassingly satisfied with my 3.24.


Somewhere in the back of my mind, there's this annoying little voice telling me, "you could've done better if you hadn't wasted your time doing unproductive activities". What do you call that again? Ah, yes, my CONSCIENCE.


Apart from laboring over assignments (somewhat gingerly, to be honest), every time I get a speck of free time, this is what I usually do:

• eat then sleep (vicious circle)
• aimlessly surf Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, and Blogger, occasionally 9Gag
• fangirling
• hog the iPad to play childish, mindless games
• wander the house, opening closing the fridge
• ultimately PROCRASTINATING

For the most time, I'll just tell myself "whatever makes me happy". Every now and again, it hits me like unexpected lightning - what the hell am I doing with my life? So what if I've been blogging for over 3 years - up until now I only have 15 subscribers, although I don't know how many other people actually read my blog.


As for other skills, apart from make-up, I don't see myself good in anything. I'm a socially awkward penguin, I don't have much of a specialized skill, and I can definitely still improve academically.


One part of my would blame my upbringing - not being allowed out with friends (until only a few years back), still under curfew, being limited to practically everything, etc. Every time my brain orients to this type of thinking, that annoying voice will give my a tight mental slap, and shock me with an imaginary 500V taser.


At the end of the day, all these lie in my own hands - my "freedom", my achievements, my skills. I could have taken the initiative to talk to others and make friends. I could have been more bold and eased the borders of my freedom wider. I could just have been more hardworking and aimed for "awesome" rather than "just enough".


I guess it would be unfair to say that my constant desire to blog about everything under the sun is the source of my current pessimistic state, but I could include it as one of the contributing factors. Go through my archives, what do you see? What I see are food posts, make-up posts, and a seemingly endless list of naive essays.


I had lunch with my younger sister at Dami today, and I had a very short chat with one of my old co-workers. He kept telling me that I look much more different than I was a year and a half ago (which was what prompted this reflective essay - we're doing a lot of these this semester).


***


This is why I love blogging. I convey feeling better via writing, and the reason for a lot of the random shiz going on in my blog is because I still use this blog for the same reason that I started it 3 years ago - to have somewhere to let out my feelings, yet practice some control over expression.


I'll also have to direct my gratitude to Ken Min, who has been the most awesome friend for the past few weeks~


I might either have a review or a tutorial coming up soon, so stay tuned~

Happiness

I wrote an essay in an exam once in high school, called "Happy Life", and it was selected as a piece to be in the school magazine. I'm now rewriting this essay, hopefully capturing the essence of my thoughts right now.

***


Happiness is a word used in many contexts. You could be feeling happy with someone or something. You could be happy with the outcome of something. You could be just happy. The definition of the word happiness varies from person to person - everyone walked a different path, everyone has their own story to tell, and everyone has different points of views and priorities.


The only image I can think about right now when I think of happiness is Michelle Phan. Don't ask me why, but she just projects the image of happiness to me. She does what she loves, and she helps millions of girls stay pretty and confident everyday by doing that. She's beautiful inside out - she has so many friends, close family, a beautiful relationship; practically everything that a person would want in a happy life.


For most people, happiness means achieving. Be it work, dreams, or third-party expectations - as long as something is achieved, they're happy. This is a criteria I do not fall in - my sense of pride in my achievements are often short-lived, as modern day life has pushed me to expect more from myself, yet I almost always fail to deliver.


Sometimes you come across some people who have almost nothing material in life, but are perfectly happy the way they are. Sometimes, I can't comprehend these people - don't they have to worry about living expenses, government policy changes that might affect them? But apparently, it's because worrying just isn't in some of them. I've read a quote somewhere on the internet once, "worrying is a waste of great creativity". Despite agreeing with the quote, I find myself, and many around me, still worrying about things that we cannot change. As the old saying goes, "old habits die hard" - this habit is going to take quite a while to die.


For people like me, who have often been alone - physically, mentally and emotionally - for most of their lives, would view company as happiness, I think. All the time, I crave company, warmth, and understanding. My friends, and those who have been close to me in the past years, were and are my treasure. Losing a friend scares me, as with losing someone I love. I see this as my biggest weakness - being needy, and always afraid to initiate contact, just because she's afraid she might get on someone's nerves. My shyness, my lack of self confidence most of the time, and my reluctance to risk things have always put me in a bad situation.


Relationships, somehow, play a large role in my mental health. Perhaps it supplies me with the warmth that I need. Perhaps it's because I actually have or had a genuine feeling for that person. Perhaps it's a mixture of both, plus a few external factors. My emotions came to an abrupt halt when my last relationship crumbled - I saw the world differently then.


All that surrounded me was bleak and gray, nothing interested me. Once in a while, something would come up - very briefly - and brighten up, adding color to my gray canvas. However, these were usually short-lived - very quickly, the color faded back to gray, and so did my emotions. With certain people, I would lay over my gray canvas a transparency of color. This tinted my world a little, but never really lasted. Once or twice, a blob of light and color would flash through my canvas, passing me by.


Slowly the gray faded, and color replaced it. Feeling was something I knew how to do again, but falling was suddenly a stranger to me. I forgot how to be warm, I forgot how it's like to be close - it was like I completely forgot how to make contact with others. I think it was more like, I became afraid of contact. I became afraid of becoming the annoying person that everyone hated. I was scared of everything.


Recently, among all my colors, came a blob of color - so bright that no one could miss it. It came in, coloring every little nook and cranny of everything around me. It added a warmth to the canvas, and yet, almost as quickly as it came, it disappeared. Not completely, but somehow, it just removed itself from the canvas, staying at the edges of it.


I know, the topic has strayed far, but that whirlwind of warm color has been on my mind quite a while now. I think for me, happiness would be to have a lot of people close to me - physically, mentally, and emotionally. Happiness would be talking to them for hours on end, sharing almost everything that could be shared, doing all sorts of things together, embedding our mutual memories in the waves of time.


Happiness, as frequently used as it is, isn't existent to everyone. Somewhat like religion, UFOs, and certain theories, some people don't believe it exists ... anymore. I don't know how true this is, or what criteria it covers, but these people are those who has gone through so much, without seeing any light, that they just lose hope. They would rather believe that there is no light at the end of the tunnel, than continue forging forward toward that belief.


In a way, I'm stuck between both. Sometimes, I actually see that bright light at the end of the tunnel. Other times, my tunnel is as dark as the virgin night sky. Though normally, those dark periods are short.


The Chinese word for happiness is kuai le. Kuai means quick, fast, or swift; le means joy. Swift joy. Happiness passes us by very quickly - as quickly as it comes, it goes... unless you know how to keep it with you. Time is also something that passes very quickly when happiness descends.


Cherish the moments while they last - happiness might not last long, but it does exist, and everyone should have happiness in their life. After all, what's life without it?