I have many classmates like Crystal - academic achievers, social butterflies, sometimes both and more. And I think I can categorize all of those people under "high achievers", or at least they've done something in their life. Seeing their achievements make me take a step back and reevaluate what I'm doing right now.
So what if I'm pursuing a degree? To be honest, that's just something to make my curriculum vitae seem a little less ragged, at the rate I'm going. While many of my classmates and friends are scoring over 3.5 CGPA and getting on the Dean's list, I'm somehow embarrassingly satisfied with my 3.24.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, there's this annoying little voice telling me, "you could've done better if you hadn't wasted your time doing unproductive activities". What do you call that again? Ah, yes, my CONSCIENCE.
Apart from laboring over assignments (somewhat gingerly, to be honest), every time I get a speck of free time, this is what I usually do:
- eat then sleep (vicious circle)
- aimlessly surf Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, and Blogger, occasionally 9Gag
- fangirling
- hog the iPad to play childish, mindless games
- wander the house, opening closing the fridge
- ultimately PROCRASTINATING
For the most time, I'll just tell myself "whatever makes me happy". Every now and again, it hits me like unexpected lightning - what the hell am I doing with my life? So what if I've been blogging for over 3 years - up until now I only have 15 subscribers, although I don't know how many other people actually read my blog.
As for other skills, apart from make-up, I don't see myself good in anything. I'm a socially awkward penguin, I don't have much of a specialized skill, and I can definitely still improve academically.
One part of my would blame my upbringing - not being allowed out with friends (until only a few years back), still under curfew, being limited to practically everything, etc. Every time my brain orients to this type of thinking, that annoying voice will give my a tight mental slap, and shock me with an imaginary 500V taser.
At the end of the day, all these lie in my own hands - my "freedom", my achievements, my skills. I could have taken the initiative to talk to others and make friends. I could have been more bold and eased the borders of my freedom wider. I could just have been more hardworking and aimed for "awesome" rather than "just enough".
I guess it would be unfair to say that my constant desire to blog about everything under the sun is the source of my current pessimistic state, but I could include it as one of the contributing factors. Go through my archives, what do you see? What I see are food posts, make-up posts, and a seemingly endless list of naive essays.
I had lunch with my younger sister at Dami today, and I had a very short chat with one of my old co-workers. He kept telling me that I look much more different than I was a year and a half ago (which was what prompted this reflective essay - we're doing a lot of these this semester).
***
This is why I love blogging. I convey feeling better via writing, and the reason for a lot of the random shiz going on in my blog is because I still use this blog for the same reason that I started it 3 years ago - to have somewhere to let out my feelings, yet practice some control over expression.
I'll also have to direct my gratitude to Ken Min, who has been the most awesome friend for the past few weeks~
I might either have a review or a tutorial coming up soon, so stay tuned~
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