A rant spurred by having a conversation with a self-pitying, entitled misogynist

Had a conversation with a follower recently and it just pissed me off.

I have a bone to pick with guys who feel entitled to a girl just because... they were nice to them. Also with guys who somehow feel that when girls request some practicality in a relationship, it's them being too realistic and gold digging. And also with guys who feel that having a girlfriend means to somehow control her freedom.

First, being nice to someone else is a given. It's polite, and it's something you choose to do. You do not get to demand that she reciprocate or that she owes you because you showed her human decency. She alone gets to decide how to react, and if she doesn't react within your expectations, it is on YOU to manage your emotions, you don't get to blame her for it.

Second, "true love doesn't see money". You must have been living in the Earth's core to still believe in this. In this capitalist society, can you do anything that is truly FOC? Survival costs money, that's why we work, staying in jobs that don't appreciate us and underpay us. To go one dates, to experience things together, co-habitation, marriage, children: that costs even more money. To live in this money-driven world - regardless of how disillusioned you are - means that money almost guarantees security. Healthy relationships discuss money healthily. We can't feed ourselves with true love and mutual respect. If you feel that your partner would prefer someone with more money ("GoLd-DiGgInG wHoRe"), either just let her go to find a partner who does, or do something about your financial situation: stop focusing on the fact that you're earning less than you think she wants you to earn, then spend it on things that she probably doesn't even want.

Third, having a girlfriend doesn't mean that you own them: they are not an inanimate object, they are not yours - or anyone's, for that matter - to own. To think that having a partner means feeling entitled to "own" them and thus control what they do is called SLAVERY. It's appalling that people still think that it should be normal to control your partner (and be controlled by their partner), to "let" them do things they want, in their own time and with their own money. Sure, they should afford you the basic respect of being their partner to discuss it with you beforehand, but in the end they themselves can decide what they want to do. And you don't get to throw a hissy fit over something that they want to do and doesn't harm others.

Self-pity is one thing, trying to rally others to your cause for pity because you had that one girl who left you for someone who fulfill her needs better is really not a good look. I understand rejection and being betrayed, it sucks, but anchoring your entire emotional being to that one person who is no longer in your life, and who will never fulfill your expectations automatically closes the doors to happiness that are open to you if you would just let go.

And are we still teaching boys that girls somehow have no sex drive, or not allowed to have a sex life? Why are guys still sniggering like children over women having healthy sex lives and kinks? Do you seriously expect your partners to be "pure virgins" until they meet you, then suddenly become Aphrodite with you? Yet it shouldn't matter if you've bedded others before her?

Will there ever be an end to this madness?

Money panic

I've recently been having bouts of all-too-familiar panic relating to money.


Given the current pandemic situation, and articles emphasizing the possible economic recession due to the pandemic, naturally money has come to be a potential concern. Thankfully, I still have my job, and given the circumstances, it looks like I don't really have to worry about job security, and given what I've been seeing, I'm also lucky that I didn't get a pay cut.


The situation has also led me into some sort of panic mode where I'm anxious about paying a few cents more for groceries, but still having the intense compulsion to buy anything and everything that isn't essential and doesn't just cost a few bucks.


It's disgustingly familiar cuz I used to have to essentially sustain two people (plus three cats) on one meager salary, while being ridiculed for "not having a real job" cuz apparently all I did was sit in front of the computer on Facebook all day.


Money was an issue - three cats and two smoking habits, one of which wouldn't/couldn't settle for a stable job and insisted on jobs that paid far below what's a livable wage. I had a spreadsheet that compared cat food prices by the gram and only bought the cheapest one, but the efforts seem useless cuz every so often he'd want to go for a long-distance trip somewhere or have a "nice" meal where I forked out most - if not all - of the expenses.


When I voiced my concerns about money and how I really didn't want to have to worry about whether I'd be able to afford food at the end of every month anymore, he shared this with his boss and his boss invited me to a team hotpot dinner at his dilapidated apartment to lecture me about money management, while the ex encouraged me to "listen" while he continued to ignore my pleas to just find a proper job to at least reach some sort of financial stability.


After I left, he and his friends screamed "gold-digger", but there I was, no longer having to grasp at the straws wondering whether I would be able to afford a sudden expensive emergency. I could freely spend on things that made me happy without constantly checking my account to see if my credit/debit card would be accepted.


That feeling is back. Knowing that I might need to return to balancing on a tightrope for a while is terrifying. And they wonder why I don't want kids. Thankfully, the bf is financially stable and doesn't have unreasonable illusions about money.

ありがとう、東京！

I was in Tokyo for 2 weeks, and am still feeling really shitty about my vacay coming to an end.

I grew up being in touch, albeit indirectly, with Japanese culture, as I had a relative who married a Japanese and moved to Japan. And then I got into touch with Japanese music and anime, which further fueled my desire to visit the land of the rising sun. I thought my virgin trip would be with family, but even after my sisters had visited Tokyo Disneyland/USJ, I still hadn't, despite being the most outwardly obsessed with all things Japanese (even to the point where I "learned" some Japanese).

And then a few months back, I saw GazettE announcing their tour final in Yokohama, and on a whim I thought "why not?"

So we bought plane tickets (#JALftw) and started planning. Well, I started planning.

I was so nervous about finally going to Japan that I completely forgot about picking up my portable Wi-Fi and had to separately book an internet in the form of a SIM card.

Tokyo just blew me away, but I think that was more toward my "objectification" of Japan than anything else: that Japan was great. And it was, for the most part. I never had to worry about being run over, or pick-pocketed, or even wolf-whistled at. Trains were on-the-dot on time, and the service staff always went above and beyond to ensure that their service was the best that they could give.

But going from debilitating desk job with a maximum of 4000 steps a day, to exploring every nook and cranny possible - and still not being able to cover everything - while racking up to 25000 steps a day was refreshing.

Conbinis and the vending machines that were everywhere were godsend. Food was always decent, I burnt out my brain trying to read Japanese and navigate, and there was always so much to see and do, something new in the corner to try and explore.

I had others ask why I was spending so much time in Tokyo when I could explore other cities and prefectures. For me, 2 weeks wasn't nearly enough to explore everything I wanted to explore in Tokyo itself, let alone having to try to jam everything I want to do in other cities and prefectures in a short trip.

Hopefully I get to explore more of Japan moving forward, and visit more cat cafes.

An epiphany

I've always believed, to a degree, that all individuals have that one destined one in life - that the powers that be created us with one specific individual that we're meant to be with: the one.


And whether or not we end up with the one we're destined with depends on the decisions we make in life - which opportunities we take, which people we keep or walk away from, and all the external influences that shape our perception.


Through the years, my standpoint on love and relationships remained similar, while accepting that there are different forms of love, but each their own.


The one quote about love that constantly appeared on my social media feeds, much to my chagrin, was the one that stated: love is a choice - the daily choice to love another individual regardless of their idiosyncrasies and despite the hard times that will inevitably come to pass.


I hated this quote, cuz it went against my belief that love is a pure feeling - something you felt deep inside you, beyond the butterflies in the stomach. Why I hated this was because somewhere deep in my stubborn mind, I knew it was true.


Through all the relationships and almost-relationships that I've had, the butterflies were always there, and then some beyond that. Then they almost always faded to resentment, hate, selfishness, and rarely infidelity.


The last time I encountered someone who could've been the one was when I was single, and despite everything everyone around me said about him, I could only say they didn't know him the way I did, and they understood nothing about what we had. Or maybe they did, and knew how heart-shattering it would've been when it inevitably came to an end. He showed me how much solace one soul could find in another, and the power of a connection beyond just flirting, lust, and even love.


And when I said the last time... yes, I encountered it again... I think. It's hard to explain in words, but I found another isolated soul, neither accepted nor rejected by the world, living in our own limbo. But this time... I found him when I was attached. And this time the fervent words of caution grew ever so persistent. And to each time someone told me to be careful around him, I could only think: "but you don't know him like I do".


And the thing is, it's sometimes difficult to see how one person could be so infatuated with another when, from a third person perspective, this other person does not fit into any of the traditional criteria of attraction. There's a Chinese saying that says the outsiders' perspective is usually the clearest, yet sometimes we are not aware of the certain dynamics that go into even the most platonic of relationships.


So what happens now? I used to agree fully to this quote:

Amidst my disdain and resentment for my current boyfriend's idiosyncrasies, I found this person's company and pampering to be very comforting. Then shit hit the fan in many ways, and I was left in a deep, dark place - all that I thought I knew and was so sure of was suddenly void, and whatever bit of myself that I thought I knew was thrown out the window.


I was an empty shell living off clockwork, resentment, and sad love songs. I thought endlessly about how I still wanted to salvage my relationship with not one, but both these people.


But the thing is ... you can't have it all. It was a full on war between sensibility and desire. Do I choose the sensible route and come back to nurture my existing relationship, or do I go down the path of desire that I was quite sure would burn out much more quickly than anyone would expect?


Most people would think that the choice was obvious enough, but the heart wanted what it wanted, and the grass looked so much greener on the other side. And if I could fall for this other person, does that mean that my affection for the first person


I can't remember what triggered it, but I just had a moment of sudden clarity one night: I was in a place of boredom and resentment. I wanted my boyfriend to change in so many ways, yet expected him to accept all that I was, violent outbursts and all, then I got mad and resentful that he wasn't what I thought he could become. Then this guy came along and seemed to put in effort in trying to please me - insisting on a cake on my birthday, cooking meals for me, and making sure I was happy with the time we spent together.


It just became crystal clear... and suddenly I realized that crossing paths with this person was fate, but perhaps not as a permanent fixture in my life. Call it a lesson, chance, anything - but even if we were meant to be, it definitely isn't now.


My focus shifted from thinking of how to maintain both people, to just focusing on who I was actually attached to and working on us. Que sera, sera - if it's meant to be, it will be. And despite everything that happened, my boyfriend has been the most understanding, accepting, and comforting, even when he was the only one among all of us who deserved and needed comfort.


This epiphany arrived much later than it should have, but I'm really glad it did in the end.


So is love a choice? Somewhat, yes. You choose between what you want, and what you know will be good for you. At least, in my situation, this was what I chose between. I might be missing out on the next love story to be penned into a legend for the coming centuries, but I'll take my chances.


As a final word, to this other person:
Thank you for coming into my life and deeming me worthy enough to be your BFF. Thank you for the food, company, emotional support, and great memories. But it seems like our time has come to an end for now, and the experiences and memories will be forever cherished.

Piercing #11: Tongue piercing

Hey, people...

If you don't get this reference... I'm not explaining it. Google it.

Would it surprise anyone that I went ahead to get yet another piercing? Probably not. The boyfriend is just curious about why I haven't gotten something like a nose piercing yet. Not rejecting the idea, but for now, despite my deep obsession with Miyavi's old eyebrow and lip piercings, I'll keep it to things that aren't immediately visible.


I also contemplated the acquisition of a split tongue... but I decided that it was wayyy too intimidating.


Anyway, I thought I'd give the new tattoo and piercing studio that popped up near my house a few months ago a whirl. Prices were fairly inexpensive, given the price benchmark presented by the only other two piercing-focused studios I know of.


This was actually a piercing date of sorts: I went with Ken Min, who wanted an industrial. With a black sugar bubble tea in hand, we entered the studio and signed indemnity forms before proceeding with the piercing itself.


Ken Min went ahead first, which was not intentional, but I suppose it was for the best as well, because the sight of me having my tongue manhandled before his own piercing might've been really nerve-wracking lol. Mind you, I have never tried needles for ear piercings before - all 8 of my ear piercings were done in malls in dodgy jewelry stores with the spring-loaded gun. Heck, even my lob stretching was DIY-ed with about a hundred plastic retainers slowly jammed in.


I was given diluted Listerine to gargle before and after the piercing itself, and the piercer (Marcus, whom I heavily suspect is the same person who did my belly piercing), and was told I had a fairly short-webbed tongue, which isn't an issue but might just be more uncomfortable compared to if I had a longer web (that small stretch of tissue extending from the base of your mouth to your tongue).

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A post shared by Kellie Low ⇀ 紫倩 ↽ (@yukari_ivankov) on Jan 14, 2019 at 5:08am PST

In terms of pain, it really wasn't near as painful as I thought it would've been. There was a pinch, and what was left was just... discomfort cuz I had a long, black foreign object in my mouth lol. There was a good minute or so actually spent on trying to get the jewelry on though, cuz the short webbing restricted how far my tongue could protrude from the oral cavity itself.


The hours after the piercing were, honestly, torturous - I was unable to even swallow properly, let alone eat. I thought soft, mashed food would've sufficed, but I was beyond wrong. It was really more of an intense discomfort, rather than actual pain for the first few days, as the barbell length that accommodated the swelling also didn't allow the jewelry to sit comfortably in the mouth - it was either pressing against the bottom of the mouth (near the saliva gland) or the top of the mouth.


Sleeping was even more torturous, but only for the first night - pretty much every position led to this new, heavy foreign object to press against different side of an open wound, leading to great discomfort.


In the next couple days, I lived off Campbell's cream of mushroom that had been put through a blender (and subsequently burned myself cuz I'm an idiot, obviously). The first bit of actual solid food I tried was agedashi tofu, and since then I've been gradually been able to eat food that required more chewing, including murukku, katsu, and a full spaghetti dish. It's still limited to really small mouthfuls at a time, though, and it take maybe twice the usual amount of time to finish something.


In terms of speech, the first few days were almost impossible to speak without getting frustrated with myself, as I had to speak very slowly and carefully yet still unable to pronounce a lot of words. But from the third day onward, I slowly regained the ability to speak, albeit with a tiny bit of pain at first. It's now day 12 and I'm almost back to normal speech, with a bit of "leaks" here and there for the sounds that need sharp tongue movements.


I suppose all in all, the thing about getting a tongue piercing is not really painful (which now explains why more people than I expected actually have it done??), but it does take guts to decide to get it, and it tests the shit out of your adaptability and planning. It's more of a "getting used to it" rather than "you'll need the pain tolerance to get it".


It's only been just under two weeks and I feel like I'm good to get the jewelry swapped out for a shorter post, partially cuz it's just a pain in the ass to have something so damn long in your mouth lol.


Let's end with some FAQ lol:

1. DID IT HURT?
   Not as much as I thought it would, and it was surprisingly tolerable. It's more of an immense discomfort with mild pain.
2. WHY DID YOU GET IT?
   My question is... why not? I liked it and I wanted it, so I got it. It's not for anyone, or any specific purpose to be "different" - the sex appeal and aesthetic that comes with it is just a nice bonus lol. And the thing is, if you end up not liking a piercing, you could just take out the jewelry and let the wound close up, which is why it's a much better way to experiment with your aesthetic as it's much lower commitment compared to tattoos.
3. WHY NOT A LESS INTIMIDATING PIERCING, LIKE A NOSE PIERCING?
   I still have a thing where I'm not confident in my career footing, so I'm just gonna keep most mods out out of direct sight, just in case. And the whole point is for it to me somewhat intimidating hehe~
4. WILL THE BALLS UNSCREW BY THEMSELVES?
   Apparently, yes. But it seems like it mainly only if you play with it a lot, cuz I've heard of people swallowing one of the balls after it came loose, but I have not experienced this yet.
5. HOW DO YOU EAT?
   Started with cooled or even cooled liquid food, even Campbell's soup had to be put through a blender with more than twice the amount of water to be easily edible. Any solid foods need to be in small, bite-sizes, and I can only specifically chew in the left part of my mouth (tried the right side and the top ball kept getting caught). Anything too fibrous or tough, like the lamb in sup kambing, are out of the question, cuz then I'll need to utilize my tongue to navigate the fibers and tough tissues.