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Sunday, September 30, 2012

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Friday, September 28, 2012

Fitness log?

I don't call myself a hardcore exercise freak, but it's a real different since I did virtually no exercise in the past, and now I'm going to the gym at least twice a week.


I think the motivation comes from just wanting to be slim, and have the perfect flat tummy which will soon be accessorized with a belly piercing~


For now, I go to the gym every Monday and Friday, before classes, and usually what I'd do is take an approximate-hour run (around 5km), a 10 minute bicycle session, and about 15 minutes of weight lifting (on the lift and dip assist machine).


Today I went for an hour-long swim, which ended up as kind of a body evaluation round. My cardio still sucked like normal, but my muscular resistance was much higher. In a nutshell, a good workout! I couldn't feel my thighs after that, though...

Kept thoughts...

I saw it coming, but I was just reluctant to let go of something that gave me so many beautiful memories. I guess I was prepped - after three months of dragging, I should've had moved on sooner.


But I didn't. Why? Well, perhaps I really thought that we still had a chance together, or at least I tricked myself into thinking that. If he really did love me enough to want me back, why would he have to take so long?


I'm not upset because he's no longer a part of my life (heck, he said 'friends' but is now MIA), but rather upset about the fact that he didn't have the balls to just tell me he no longer wanted a relationship with me. We were both selfish, but he more so, in my opinion. He would have rather let me continue hurting in the long term, than just dropping the bomb on me and allowing me to move on sooner.


I'll be honest, I do miss those sweet days, where we held hands, hugged each other, and kissed. But then again, my sister was right - our personalities (attention-needing) does not match with people who think that their partner asks for too much when all they wanted was attention.


Perhaps it's just a different mentality altogether - men and women's logic differ from each other. Although on certain matters my mentality is more masculine-oriented, in general I'm still the emotion-oriented girl.


If I see you again... I dunno. I might call you a wuss to your face, I might act cold, or I might just act like your friend. But to be honest, I really hope than one day loneliness will haunt you, and you would regret the very decision of letting me go.


I didn't ask for riches, nor did I ask for frequent dates. All I needed is your attention, to be able to meet up with you often. We didn't even have to go for a formal date - if other even more busy and stressed people could take the time to have a quick lunch with their partners, why can't you?


It's all a matter of time and duty management. Yes, accompanying your father is part of your filial duty. However, I did not ask you to leave him, nor did I try to claim you as my own. Or maybe it's just like you said yourself, you're just too damn lazy go get off your skinny ass to spend some time with "the girl that you love".


I'm starting to doubt that what we had was love at all. Sure, I might have loved you, planned my entire life around you, unconsciously oriented myself around you. Your mind was different - all you thought of was you, your retirement, and your family. I'm not saying that's bad, but you didn't really pay me much mind.


Comparisons to other people are completely logical, because the people I compare you to are busier than you, have more responsibilities than you, have more stress to deal with than you. And yet they can find the time to spend with their girlfriends. It wasn't a matter of could or couldn't, it was a matter of whether you wanted to or not.


Quote Kelly Clarkson, "I would never wish bad things, but I don't wish you well". This might be temporary, might be permanent. Two wrongs don't make a right - me hurting you in the past does not justify the hurt you did me.


It's easy for you to say, "I didn't want to hurt you". There were so many things you told me that weren't what they really were, I really didn't know what to believe anymore, even the many times you said you loved me. In the past I might have believed you, because it was what I wanted to believe. Now? I shall remain convinced that you framed me all along.


Let me tell you which part of the relationship hurt the most. You remember that time we were arguing again, and I kept saying that I wanted to see you? You compared me to Sook Kuan. You compared me to a completely different girl. You said she waited for you everyday after work just to see you, and that's because she worked with you.


You also told me, "why can't you be like her?" Sook Kuan's a sweet girl, with patience, and she's more down to earth. But you are the guy, by right you should come looking for me. I also offered to go to your condo, but you had multiple excuses.


If you really had loved me, you wouldn't have just moved on to the next stage, leaving me behind to grope around. If you really had loved me, my flaws would be my defining characteristics to you. How many tears I've cried for you, how many nights of sleep I've missed, because of all the thoughts that ran through my head.


Sometimes when someone has this habit, it's not that they don't want to change it, sometimes it's that they can't. I think I can safely say that I hate you for now. You gave me so much hope, built a ladder so high for me to climb, then just toppled it over. Falling from cloud nine, crashing from the high.


I see you for who you are now - someone who isn't worth the time and effort. My sister was right, and I should've listened to her. My sister and I are different, yet we are the same as well. 19 years of sisterhood outmatches a 6-year crush anytime.


The regrets I have in life are that I fell in love with you, and I was stupid enough to hurt myself because of you, and let myself be hurt.

Monday, September 24, 2012

My face

I have a naturally squarish face, which are adorned with unevenly large eyes, a somewhat bulbous nose, and full but downturned lips. My eyebrows are somewhat angled and set in a way that I have this "glaring" look all the time, even more so after I started grooming my brows.


My poker face would be not your typical girl face - it would be a face that most people would consider an angry or upset face. My mouth is much more downturned when I have other things on my mind, which makes me somewhat unapproachable.


The thing is, people actually think that I'm in a bad mood or upset or whatever, when actually I'm just thinking. What, you want me to be constantly smiling? I assure you, that would be very scary, especially if I'm holding a knife.


Perhaps it's my problem that I don't take the initiative to talk to people who think that way, but then again, I'm like them - they don't look as if they're in a mood to talk, so I don't talk to them.


Then again, if I have offended or hurt anyone intentionally or unintentionally, I would really appreciate it you would tell me up front. One man's sense is another man's nonsense - what I think is alright to do might not agree with everyone. I often offend or hurt people without knowing it, and I really appreciate it when they tell me what doesn't agree with them, so that I don't do it again in the future.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

This or That? tag

Tagged by Vicky Hoang, and I haven't done a tag in ages. =D

Photo from Vicky Hoang's blog =D

Blush or Bronzer?

I don't own a bronzer, and I only own one blusher (Bobbi Brown Blushed). I use it as both, though I would usually use it as bronzer for contouring the cheeks, because I really don't like how it looks on my cheeks as blusher.


Lipgloss or Lipstick?

I seldom use both, but I'd go for lipsticks. They usually have more color, last longer, and much less sticky than their glossy counterparts.


Chapstick or Lip Butter?

Chapstick is basically lip balm, and that's usually what I use (Kiehl's Tinted Lip Balm), apart from Vaseline. Never tried lip butter before, though.


Matte or Sparkle Eye Shadow?

Depends on how sparkly the eye shadow is. I'd usually go for shimmers, but for this I'd choose mattes. They work wonders for my puffy-ish Asian eyes~


Eyeliner or Mascara?

Oh god. I can't live without one or the other. If I wear eyeliner, I have to put on mascara, and vice versa. I THINK I'd choose eyeliner, though. Mascaras can only do so much for my lashes, and I prefer the impact eyeliners give me versus the mascara.


Gel, Liquid, Cream or Pencil Eyeliner?

I've only tried gel, liquid and pencil. If I really had to choose, I'd choose gel, because if you use enough, it gives the effect of liquid, but with the right technique, the effect of pencil can be achieved as well. The only thing I don't like is cleaning the brush after. Liquid is awesome for quick, sharp lines; while I only use pencil now to line the waterline.


Foundation or Concealer?

I do not own a concealer, and I find that just doubling or tripling the amount of foundation on certain areas of the face is sufficient concealer as it is. Finding a right shade of foundation is tricky, but finding it makes all the difference in the world. Just apply as usual, then on wherever you want to conceal, just dot a little more until it's concealed, then set with powder.


Liquid or Powder Foundation?

This is tough. I use both quite frequently, but I'd choose liquid for this. Although the application process is more troublesome than powder, it completely evens out the skin tone without over mattifying the skin. I use powder when I'm in a rush, though, or lightly to set liquid foundation. 


Neutral or Statement Eyes?

Statement. My lips are quite full, and they are the reason why sometimes I feel I'm heavy. I'm an admirer of captivating, sensual eyes, and I do believe that the eyes are the windows to the soul. Hence, I tend to go for dramatic eyes, with natural lips.


Pressed or Loose Shadows?

I've never owned or used loose shadows before. =P


Waterproof or Non-Waterproof?

Definitely waterproof. Even after over two years of regularly using make-up, my eyes tend to water, and I tend to sweat a lot. Even so, sometimes waterproof make-up doesn't live up to it's function, and just runs anyway.


Brushes, Sponges, or Fingers?

I don't like to use sponges, but I alternate between brushes and fingers. I'd use brushes more, though, because can only apply make-up with my right hand, and there are only 4 usable fingers there, whereas I have over 10 brushes to use.


Powder, Cream, or Liquid Highlighter?

I don't have a highlighter, per se, but I use other products in place of it, and they are usually powders. Sometimes I'll just use a matte white shadow (Artistry Vanilla), or a face powder with sheer sparkly effects (Callas Finishing Touch Loose Powder, Laneige Snow Crystal Sliding Pact).

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Thick eyeliner & red lips - Kahlen Kang

Hair wash at RE:STYLE.
Friday evening was the night of Expressions by Symphony Orchestra by Taylor's. It was a dance performance in which one of my friends were involved in, and she requested that I do her make-up for her. Turns out she was almost the only one who asked that.


After my class, I waited for her at Starbucks, then we both went to the salon for her to get her hair washed and blown. About a half hour later, she rushed to her car to get her dress, and headed to a classroom in the ADP section to get ready.


There was music, girls using up eyeliner like no one's business, and a lot of joking. When I was done with Kahlen's make-up, I helped Joyce with a bit of her make-up as well (mascara and blusher). I noticed that a lot of salesgirls (or relevant) who promote mascaras just didn't apply the mascara well enough to let the mascara show through well enough.




As in, they didn't dare go to the roots, and just touched the wand to the tips of the lashes, which wasn't enough to display the true power of the mascara. That, however, is a completely unrelated topic to the current post.


At first, I had in mind to do a smokey eye for her, then it was specified that they only needed eyeliner. Think the boldness of Amy Winehouse, and the sharpness of Dita von Teese (although it really doesn't look like either).


Partying for peace~
I had already begun the base - cream shadow, then brown shadows from the Artistry palette. When the specification was given, I layered on top some gel liner by Silkygirl, creating a wing by scaling it with the bottom lash line, then slowly pointed it by sharpening the edge with some moisturizer on a cotton bud.


To gauge the required thickness of the eyeliner, some black shadow on a flat brush was used to "mark" the point where the liner would be visible when the eyes are open. After filling up to the requirement, some black shadow was dusted on top of the gel to set it, as well as applied to the edge to smoke out the harsh line slightly.


Applied two coats of mascara, then stuck on outer half lashes (which were the only lashes I had). The real and false lashes were blended together with a gentle press with an eyelash curler. Applied some black shadow to the outer lower half to balance out the eyes, and cleaned up any fallout with moisturizer on a cotton bud, and overlaid with some BB cream.


Lightly dusted her face with some powder, did some highlighting, then contoured her cheeks as per her request, but I did her nose as well. I risked making her face a white cast by using powder and BB cream that contained SPF, but it came out beautifully~ Blusher was added, and then lipstick!


Make-up with le red dress~
To be honest, I have not worked with such a bright lipstick before. I've worked with like dark cherry lipsticks and berry-rose tones, but this was a red with a pinkish-berry undertone. Anyway I first applied some lip balm prior to lipstick, then filled out the lips with a lip brush.


I didn't get to see how it looked like after dancing, but you could read more about this on her blog. I was satisfied at how it came out, though. While the other girls had used liquid eyeliner (some which came out patchy), she wore gel liner (which is much more intense and lasting).


And I unintentionally gave her eyeliner a slight smokey effect. It went with the requirements anyway - sexy, sultry, yet with a hint of old-school. I'm by no means professional, but I'd like to gain more experience where make-up is concerned. Not only on myself, but on different features and people.


Here's the list of products used (I shall exclude the initial smokey eye shadows):
  • shu uemura Creme Eyeshadow in Beige (cream base)
  • Silkygirl Double Intense Gel Eyeliner in Pure Black
  • Artistry eye shadow in Ash Black
  • Max Factor False Lash Effect in Black
  • Daiso Make-up Accessory No. 50 lashes (cut in half)
  • 1000Hour Lash Glue in Clear
  • Za Total Hydration BB Cream UV
  • Laneige Sliding Pact SPF24 in Natural No. 1
  • Laneige Sliding Pact_EX SPF25 PA++ [Snow Crystal] in 1 Translucent Skin Tone (highlighting)
  • Artistry eye shadow in Basic Beige (contouring)
  • Bobbi Brown blusher in Blushed
  • Kiehl's Tinted Lip Balm SPF15 in Hue No. 30G
  • Revlon lipstick (not mine =P)
  • The Face Shop Automatic Eyebrow Pencil in Grey

Thursday, September 20, 2012

What if I was a cyborg?

This thought just came to mind randomly today - what if I was a human machine? Perhaps it was something to do with the question that I asked one of my seniors earlier on - what would you do if you could change into the opposite sex for one day?


Cyborgs. It is a human-resembling machine. Outside, all the skin and features are human, but inside is all machinery. Probably the most popular image that pops up when 'cyborg' is mentioned is Terminator. That's a little too macho for me.


Instead, what came to mind was more of Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex cyborg, or perhaps Treasure Planet cyborg. An image that came to mind was the picture for a single called Moonlight, by she (recommended by previously mentioned senior). Although I know the image is just a photo of a girl, with montage layered on top, it still gives the feeling that she's a cyborg.


To be honest, I really don't know what would happen if I were a cyborg. I would be completely computer programmed, for sure, but would I be a villain, a hero, or a mediocre, just-existing cyborg?


How would I look like? Would I look exactly like I am right now, or would I be "perfected" - skin, features, proportions? Would I have appearance changing functions? Would my skin be human tissue, like the Terminator's, or would I have non-biological skin?


Would I be able to see something, and recognize the compositions of an item? Would I be able to detect a lie from truth when uttered? Would I be like Achilles, who had no weakness but that on his ankle?


Would I be loved by all, or alienated like Edward Scissorhands? Would I be able to feel emotion as humans do?

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Two wrongs don't make a right

This was a theory I learned from my Critical and Creative Thinking subject last semester. It basically means that if you do something wrong that other people are also doing, it doesn't make you right. For example, your friend is cheating in a test (EXAMPLE ONLY), but it doesn't justify your cheating as well.


No comprendo? Like if everyone is killing other people, it doesn't make you right to kill people. Comprende?


The same rule applies to relationships - if someone hurts you, it doesn't make you right to hurt them back. Ever heard of the proverb, "the higher you climb, the harder you will fall"? Exactly what just happened to me.


For three months my hopes were kept up, when in actual fact by now I should have let go and moved on already.


Guys and girls, if you don't love a person anymore, make it clear that they know about it. Never play around with their feelings, and make them feel that they still have a chance with you (if they do want to). Telling them to just let go and move on will hurt them much less, than when you keep putting it off so that "you won't hurt them".


Trust me, it hurts much less when you let them know right away.
Everything is finally said.


After 3 months of endless torture, everything is finally over.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Impromptu dinner

It's seldom that I go out alone with a guy (except with the boyfriend, whom, at this time, is non-existent), except when it's to catch up with old friends.


Now when I mean old, I mean old. Like I've known him since primary school. Unless you count the one who has known me since I was in kindergarten (but have lost touch with him), he along with Cassandra, Yu Ning and Chiu Yee are my oldest friends.


The dinner was supposed to be with another girl, who wanted to stay at home to accompany her mum, so it became a two person dinner. At Domino's. Which didn't provide dine-in services, actually, but we had out dinner there anyway.

From left clockwise: regular Classic Hand-Tossed Classified Chicken pizza, Breadstix with anonymous sauce, garlic cheese onion rings, and lousy chicken lasagna.

We ordered the set - regular Classified Chicken, Breadstix, 2 Pepsis, and added on a chicken lasagna, and garlic cheese onion rings. The pizza was oh-so-cheesy, the Breadstix were delectable, the garlic cheese onion rings were heavenly, but when we opened the lasagna...

Miserable chunk of lasagna. The pasta was soggy.

We kinda expected it to fill out the edges at the least, if not with cheese sticking on the lid. And it looked so... dry. It turned out to be slightly less than mediocre. RM11 gone, just like that.


By the end of that meal, we were full to the brim already. We took a short walk, and ended up having drinks at Chatime.


He had sent me a link to a yaoi anime earlier today. Yaoi means guy romance. This particular episode talked about how these two half-brothers were fighting over Misaki, and he was sent endless supplies of strawberries, just because he had mentioned that he liked strawberries.

Left: Strawberry Pudding Au Lait; right: Strawberry Chocolate Milk Tea.

Hence, we both ordered strawberry-related drinks. Seriously, I've been to Chatime so many times, I really don't know which drink to choose now that I go there, which is why I tend to just pass. I chose a strawberry chocolate milk tea, which was strange for me, because I seldom like strawberry AND chocolate flavored food.


Didn't turn out nice though - on your palate it's like tea, then strawberry, then weird chocolate, then all mixed together to form a slightly gag-inducing taste.


Just before we set off home, I had to pack some chicken wings from Domino's for my sister, which I almost forgot about. It's really nice to just talk, share things and generally catch up with each other after so long.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

雅の誕生日

September 14th is Miyavi's birthday.


After going to the Miyavi live, I've joined a Facebook group exclusively for Malaysian Co-Myvz. Trust me, the people in there are hardcore J-rock fans, and stalk Miyavi.


One of the members posted a link to the International Co-Myvz Crew Tumblr page, in which they wrote that they planned to make a video with the theme "Miyavi is...", and send it to him on his birthday. I purposely put on make-up, wrote 'Miyavi' on my cheek, and filmed my entry.


On his birthday, there were so many Miyavi tributes going around, and Miyavi himself was contantly tweeting, and at the end of the day he thanked everyone for their lovely birthday messages.


Also, the international Co-Myvz Crew uploaded the birthday video on Youtube, and sent it to him. He tweeted about it as well~


I watched the video, and I couldn't believe what I saw - my entry was the second one. My segment starts at 0:40, and you can see my plastic-wrapped yukata, and dresses at the back.


Miyavi is the one who made me fall in love with visual kei, and told me all I need to do in life is stay true to myself.


It's amazing - there are so many Co-Myvz all over the world, so many whose lives changed because of him.


Proud to be a 仔雅 !

Review: Za Total Hydration BB Cream UV

I felt I was running low on foundation, and I couldn't find my favorite Maybelline foundation (Clear Smooth Aqua Gel in Natural), and those at the Maybelline shelf seemed a little dodgy, and I also thought 'hey, why not try something else'.


The salesgirls at all but the Za shelf ignored me, so I only gave her business, and the other shelf didn't really have foundations that appealed to me, some didn't have foundations at all.

Turns out it's a light coverage product anyway, but it's fairly buildable.

Anyway, I requested a medium coverage foundation (good for both day and night, and my skin is not that bad anyway). Another foundation from Za was a light coverage foundation, so she recommended me the Total Hydration BB Cream UV.


I purchased this BB Cream from Watsons, Mid Valley for RM22.90 for 20g of product (I think). I'm so sorry, I'm a bum at remembering prices, but this was the approximate price of the product. From what I can remember, it's slightly cheaper than the Maybelline Clear Smooth Aqua Gel foundation line.

Squeeze tube makes it easier to dispense and control the amount used, as well as keeping things hygienic.

Za says:
12 in 1! BB healthy glowing look! Special skin care formula moisturizes skin. Works as foundation to conceal skin problems, achieving a healthy skin tone. SPF43 PA+++ protects skin from harsh UV rays.

This product has two types of effects:

Foundation effects - 6 foundation elementsWork as base makeup, concealing pores and dark spots, correcting uneven color, lightening skin color, and creating healthy skin tone.
Moisturizing effects - 4 skin care ingredients
  • Sebum Holding Powder: Relieves stickiness
  • Vitamin B derivative: Keeps skin fresh
  • Amino Mineral Complex: Moisturizes to minimize pores
  • Prism Enhancer: Makes skin luminous clarity 

The product contains:
Water, dimethicone, titanium dioxide, ethyhexyl methoxycinnamate, glycerin, butylene glycol, pentaerythrityl tetraethylhexanoate, PEG-9 polydemethylsiloxyethyl dimethicone, alcohol, polymethyl methacrylate, disteardimonium hectorite, hydrogenated polydecene, aluminium hydroxide, sorbitol, silica, phenylbenzimidazole sulfonic acid, PEG-6, PEG-32, trimethylsiloxysilicate, PEG/PPG-14/7 dimethyl ether, hydroxypropyl cyclodextrin, sodium glutamate, betaine, panthenyl ethyl ether, magnesium chloride, calcium chloride, glycine, stearic acid, isostearic acid, aminomethyl propanol, disodium EDTA, aluminium distearate, alumina, PEG-150, triethoxycaprylylsilane, polysilicone-2, BHT, limonene, linalool, citronellol, hydrogen dimethicone, tocopherol, tin oxide, phenoxyethanol, fragrance, iron oxides, mica

This would be a foundation I would not suggest for flash photography. It is known that the silica particles in any foundation will reflect light and will leave a white cast and show patches of uneven skin tone when taken with flash photography.

Creamy, emollient texture~

Pros:
  • economical enough
  • comes with squeeze tube packaging
  • high SPF and PA+++ protects from both UVA and UVB rays
  • acts as a double moisturizer
  • great multifunction product (much like the Garnier Miracle Skin Perfector)
  • covers dark circles well
  • lasts quite long (even with sweat)
  • blends well with fingers (convenient)
  • small blob enough to cover large area
  • skin stays super matte if set with suitable amount of powder (I used Pigeon Baby Compact Powder in Beige)
Cons:
  • comes in one shade only
  • no use for flash photography
  • leaves a slightly sticky finish
  • bottle feels kinda empty

After about a week of using it quite regularly, I can safely conclude that this would be my go-to product if I needed just spot-coverage, which is quite impossible with my actual foundations, one which is a tad too light, and the other one too orange (which I sometimes use to conceal under eye circles, but doesn't do a good job anyway).


I've tested it on a few environments - normal (slight sweat), gym, and completely freezing air conditioning. In the first two environments, the product stays quite well without caking or whatnot, and lasts too: after gym I lightly wet a piece of tissue and went over the parts where I applied the BB cream, and there was residue.

Before and after. Left is my bare under eye, which there is fairly heavy dark circles. I have eyebags as it is, but the BB cream helps conceal most of the dark circles, which is an absolute plus!

In cold environments, however, I noticed that it tended to dry up a lot and create a slightly caked surface, but it keeps the surface of the skin smooth and relatively matte (after powdering lightly) for a long period of time. My mum questioned my recent skin regime when she saw me with BB cream on (the wonders of make-up~).


And it is quite lightweight - it won't give you the constant feeling of having heavy make-up on. Some more nice news - it doesn't clog the pores! Instead, I noticed that my pores have shrunk a little, and have less pimples already. Perhaps it's my recent habits, but unlike my usual make-up, my blackheads didn't get any bigger, even after an entire day out at university.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Ron's 21st

Technically speaking, his birthday is on the 10th, but that's a Monday, so the party was on the 8th. I was invited via a Facebook event invitation, and to be honest I was quite ... happy? I don't know how to describe that feeling - I'm a socially awkward penguin most of the time, and the only parties I'm direct invited to are usually strictly within my group (5-6 people) only.


The event time was 7pm, and so I was ready and made up (brown smoked with a hint of dark forest green) by 6.30pm, and went through a traffic jam for about a half hour before I could get onto the highway and finally get there.


The street he lived on was pretty long, but it was obvious as to which was his house because of the red-and-white striped gazebo. Parked a certain distance away and gingerly walked to his house ... to find out that he was still at work.


The only people there at that time were some of the neighbor's kids and his relatives. I had dinner (catered by Le Oriental Catering) before anyone near my age came in, and to be honest the food wasn't bad. The home-made Hakka stuffed tofu was interesting, given that the only Hakka style food I've had was Hakka mee, another version of stuffed tofu, and a steamed fish a la Hakka style.


I refrained from any attempts to go for a second round, because for one, my weight finally went from 55.7kg to 54.3kg (not much but still feeling really good about myself); two, ... I don't think there's a two. Unless two is being too full, and the dress I was wearing wasn't too tummy-flattering.


About an hour after I arrived, the star of the show finally showed up, with his gem on his arm. Reason for being late? Prettifying the gem of a girl~ XD


We had a few rounds of card games (and I got to know some new people), and for the first three rounds my luck was awful, or I was just so woozy from the ONE CAN OF BEER that I couldn't recognized that card that we marked out as the 'loser card'.


The cake was good - about 1/3 an inch of cream (I never mind extra cream as long as it's nice), on a layered moist chocolate cake, decorated with various fruits, and chocolate pastry cream for the words. I was actually tempted to go for a second round, but it was late at night and I love my current figure (according to my mum, too anorexic-looking) more than cake ... I think. Or my self-control just got much better.


We had a short round of picture-taking, in which we were supposed to be making ugly faces, and apparently I won. Are the faces I make really that ugly? XD


We went back to playing cards, by which time my luck took a 180 degree turn - I got exactly 21 points for each round of blackjack (almost). A bottle of very mellow red wine was opened, the birthday boy brought out the Uno cards, and after that game I was on the way home.


I find that it's a milestone already for me - I don't need to dramatically break down in tears whenever I see a loving couple. On the contrary, I actually feel more ... happy, I think. Perhaps happy that others are finding happiness, when my own (the one that I desire, anyway) evades me? Who knows?


Sorry for the pictureless post - I didn't dare take any photos with my broken phone, and can only rely on others' phones to take pictures (check my Facebook page, under the contact tab).

Friday, September 7, 2012

无聊。心痛。

好久没写华文了。今天写一下爽。


最近好孤独哦… 虽然身边是有朋友、有家人,但是他们的存在加在一起也不及他在我身边感受到的温柔…


他要我坚强,不要哭。到目前为止,我成功忍住我的眼泪,但是如果我继续这样的话,我不能担保我可以坚强下去。


那天买了一张专辑,要当生日礼物送给他。怎知道他本身已经买了那张专辑。反正都买了,就送给他嘛。就知道他不会收我的礼物,所以速递去他家。我以为我国的Poslaju没那么快的,怎知道第二天开面子书有他的信息,说他已经有了一模一样的专辑,而且骂我说怎么要买礼物给他,还要速递去他家(他爸发现了就大祸)。


一心一意想讨好他的心,怎知道出了反效果。他怪我跟他说谎,因为之前我说专辑是给自己的。我买生日礼物,往往都不会跟对方说是要送给他的,再加上我知道他不喜欢收礼物。


说出来,不是怪他。是怪自己,怎么一次又一次的让他不爽我、怎么伤心了那么久还学不会怎么讨好他。


可能是因为还不习惯不跟他在一起了。虽然是过了三个月,但是我们分开是我没有预想过的事情。吵架中,突然就说分手了。之后我道歉,要求复合,我以为他会答应。怎知我伤他太深了,说对我还有感觉,但是我给了他感情的恐惧症。


之前要求一个星期见一次,而是不需要去哪里,我呆在他家、他呆在我家也可以。他说这样要求太高了。难道爱一个人,想见他也有罪吗?别人比他、比他更多责任、比他更多负担,但是为什么别人能一个星期一次抽出时间陪女朋友呢?


据他说,我不能哭,也不能跟他分享我的担忧(他自己的背负已经够重了)。我也不能驾快车。这样,他封了我全部的发泄方法。想哭,却不能哭。想跟他分享心事,却怕他又不爽我了。全部在心里熬着,真的好辛苦。


也许你会很不爽地觉得,“怎么不干脆忘了他?” 相信我,好多人都已经这样劝过我了。朋友们。姐妹们。甚至是几位长辈。有些已经对我很无奈了,也不想听我说了。说真的,连他自己也部支持我等他。


我自己也挣扎了好久——要不要干脆结束自己的痛苦,把他放下,给自己一个机会呢?每次这么想,都会有那种很不舍得的感觉。暗恋他五年,拍拖了一年多,叫我放下的话……对不起,我做不到。


好辛苦地熬了三个月。连妒忌人家的感觉渐渐的变了很渴望想拥抱他的感觉。可能我最近不敢去睡觉的原因是每次一躺下,就会开始想他、想像如果那天我没说分手、想像如果我们现在还在一起。有时候会不知不觉地想像我们结婚;而每当想到这里,现实突然降落——这个梦想极有可能不会现实。


这三个月里面,开收音机会一直希望会听到情歌。今天播了 《至少还有你》。这首歌的歌词,不多不少也说了我的心声:

如果全世界我也可以放弃
至少还有你值得我去珍惜
而你在这里就是生命的奇迹
也许全世界我也可以忘记
就是不愿意失去你的消息
我怕我来不及
我想抱着你

其实我也觉得自己好蠢——世界上的男人哪儿都有。好过他的、会珍惜我的、会抽时间陪我的,全都多得是。 可是问心一句,真的没有其他男生会让我觉得很温柔,没有其他的男生会让我有那种很陶醉、幸福的感觉。用词语是解释不到这种感觉的。


有一首歌是能用来表达我现在对他的想法:“原来你什么都不想要”。不想要生日礼物,不想要拍拖……不想要见我…


也许是我想太多。也许只是上天在玩我、考我。

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

What's really been happening for the past 3 months

I've come to realize that my blog has become somewhat commercialized when compared with my older posts. I guess it's because the posts relating to other stuff than my daily life attracted more readers, and it was really satisfying.


However, for this post, I have to utilize my blog for it's initial purpose, that is to let out my thoughts somewhere.


About 3 months ago, my relationship fell apart, due to various reasons. We lasted for more than a year, and I think it would be safe to say that this was the only relationship that actually meant a lot to me.


After crushing on him for more than 5 years, my fantasies of being with him finally came true - we held hands, hugged in the rain, kissed, did silly things together. Things got complicated and difficult when he started his internship, and we weren't able to see each other for months at a time.


Being the weak and affection-needing me, I did what I can to get it, but at the end failed miserably, and even made matters worse. To add fuel to the flame, seeing couples all over the place and seeing my friends being so cuddly with their partners fueled my jealousy.


Three months ago, I made the mistake of letting go, thinking that he would ask me to stay. In a way, he did, just not the way I wanted it to be.


For the past three months, I've been crying my eyes out, wondering why I was so foolish, why did I do what I did? During the day, I'd be like the living dead - walking, talking, going to college, but in my mind a storm was brewing. I'd ask myself questions, make up scenarios, etc.


At night, I'd aimlessly browse the internet. I'd be physically there for everything, but mentally I was in my world of turmoil. Who would have thought I would fall so deeply in love with him?


In the past three months, I still talked to him. Sometimes I'd be hyper and cheerful, other times I would be so bothered about what's in my mind that out of the blue I'd lash out. Imagine the waves at a shore - sometimes when a wave comes in, it comes pretty far, but then the next few waves would be further back. That's how we've been for the past three months.


I also talked to a lot of people - friends, and his mum. Somehow I'd avoid this topic with family (although I know some of my family actually takes the time to go through my blog) because they've always had a grim view of this relationship, and I'd doubt that they would share my feelings about it ending.


I did share with my sister, though, and she advice, like most of my friends' advice was 'just let go'. They said it wasn't like he was the best guy in the world, and there are other guys available anyway, so why torture myself?


Some others were sympathetic, despite the fact that I actually did bring this upon myself. They just told me to be strong. Cry, by all means, but the next morning I had to be strong to face the world. They told me to occupy my mind with other things, like my blog, make-up (which was why I made two videos), and just don't think too much.


I've been having an internal battle with myself as well - I previously had asked him, what was it that made him decide that I wasn't worth pursuing, and what did I have to change in order for him to change his mind? The list was contradictory to my nature and how I was brought up.


I had mentally told myself to just let him go and move on, but every time I did, I'd burst into hysterical tears. I couldn't bear thinking about life without him. The past year was so perfect.


Every time I told him I'm crying, he would tell me to be strong, don't cry. He wanted his girl to be strong. He wanted his girl to be able to go on with life even when he wasn't always around. He didn't want someone to be obsessing over every aspect over him, confronting him for every moment that he wasn't talking to me.


Girl bands, exes - they were the main source of my jealousy. It made me feel that his heart wasn't with me anymore. His heart had always been with me, just that when I was making life difficult, the girl bands' music were the ones that kept him sane.


I only recently realized, there were little gestures that showed that he still had feelings for me. Defending me, calling me his precious when I told him one of my friends lost their cool and called me an idiot for torturing myself. Reaching his hand to me at the end of Miyavi's night.


Despite everything, he's not saying it's completely over, but then again he's not saying that it's guaranteed that we'll be back together. I guess I should be grateful already that we're still talking, and he's not avoiding me.


I've put some of the presents he gave me back into a box, and I smiled when I read the card that he wrote for my birthday and Valentine's in 2012. They were something like proof that at one point I was his world, like he has been mine the moment we first kissed.


Putting him off my chat list seems like a good idea. At least I won't be constantly monitoring it to see whether he's online, and battling with myself whether to talk to him. Removing him from my 'close friends' list also made things easier.


Well, like lots of people have said, life has to go on~ Expect the best, but prepare for the worse~ Stay positive and strong, everyone!

Saturday, September 1, 2012

August Food and Haul!

The Haul

August was filled with heartbreak, and with heartbreak comes therapeutical shopping! Let's not forget the food, of course~ Got some new clothes, a new make-up product, and some awesome items from Daiso!


We've been on a search for a pocket-size lapdog for quite some time to replace Dukie in the house, and one of these searches led us to Summit USJ to take a look at an adoption drive organized by Malaysian Dogs Deserve Better. Most of the puppies had been adopted, and what was left was mutts which were to grow into perhaps huge sizes.


After that, we went for a little shopping. Saw some nice fashion pieces, but mum wasn't interested. She had previously been to a corporate dinner with a Venetian theme so she had to get some Venetian masks, and we were in search of those because I wanted one for a make-up experiment.

Fuchsia bag @ My One Shop, Summit USJ- RM39.90

We didn't really get the masks we wanted, but I did get a statement bag and some long-awaited silver ear hoops for my helix piercings.

Za Total Hydration BB Cream UV - RM22.85

Before that, we actually went to Mid Valley for another shopping trip, from which I got some BB cream to replace my to-be-finished foundation.

Straight Soba Noodle Soup Base - RM9.90 (I believe, on promotion)

Yoshinoya had a display sale at center court on LG floor, and that's where we got our Meiji and Glico sticks (refer below~). It's also where I got this Straight Soba Noodle Soup Base (on promotion)~ I mixed it with some hondashi (had some leftover from making tamagoyaki), and it tasted much more like those you find in restaurants~


A trip to The Curve proved fruitful. My mum has always avoided that mall, even if we went to Ikano and Ikea, which is just opposite. There's been a lot of stories about dark entities, and with the rising crime rate, the place just seemed less appealing.


But for some reason, my mum just had a sudden interest to go there - on a public holiday Monday, no less. Oh well. The moment we exited the suspending metal box, there was the Padini Concept Store, with items up to 70% off. Need I say more?

Tank tops @ Padini Authentics - RM9 each
Printed dress @ P&Co Essential - RM19 (after discount)

We browsed mostly the promotional baskets and racks, and the selections were awesome~ Vincci and Padini are basically under the same management, so a lot of Vincci and Padini outlets in malls have condensed all the outlets available in that mall into one to three shop units.

My mum completely disagrees with the public wearing of the "whore" tee.

F.O.S often has sales for T-shirts and shorts, and we took advantage of that promotion! 3 tees for RM45, when the original price is around RM25+.

Pink ribbon-strapped sandals @ Vincci - RM24+

Some lady stepped on my sandal and *BAM!* the entire back portion of my sandal came off, so I got a new pair from Vincci! And they're pink!

My new fedora~
The last time I had any pens like these were when I was in primary school, and those had glitter
Gluesticks, exclusively for make-up use~
Couldn't find one at Summit USJ, but this one was pretty enough, and it fits!

The Daiso in The Curve is almost as large as the one in The Mines, if not larger. Found a few items that I needed and wanted, including some soba noodles (one medium sized packet served 3).


 The Food

Now, practically every shopping trip will involve good food, or at least food that we crave. Which is why we follow on with the shopping trip even when we know there will be no potential purchases.


Pasta Zanmai is one of our family favorites, ever since we decided to try it out approximately a couple of years ago. I'll admit it's a bit pricy for pasta, but we consider something like a treat for the day. Usually we would ignore the rice and other dishes further back in the menu, preferring their house specials - Japanese-style pasta - instead.

Forgot what this is called, but it's a miso soup based pasta~

And usually, the dish itself falls extremely short from the picture in the menu. I mean there should be some degree of resemblance, but most of the time when the dish arrives, you're left thinking, "this ain't what I ordered".

Hokkaido melon parfait @ Pasta Zanmai - RM13.50 (excluding tax, and this price is the "I think I remember" price, but the melon parfait is cheaper than the other three parfaits)

The other most desirable item on the Pasta Zanmai menu are the desserts~ They have ice cream, parfaits, crepes, and other delectable Japanese desserts. My favorite are the parfaits - it comes in banana chocolate, strawberry, and matcha red bean, however they have recently added a Hokkaido melon parfait to the menu, and it's not bad~


I think any person who lives in Malaysia will know the flavored biscuit stick snack called Rocky. That's actually the renamed version of the original Japanese Glico Pocky (renamed due to "vulgarities in the name"). Locally, only chocolate, milk and strawberry flavors of Rocky are available, but in Japan...

Meiji Lucky stick - RM2+; Glico Almond Pocky - RM5+

They have tons of flavors of Pocky, and though I can't name any of them, just the thought of it makes your mouth water. Rocky costs about RM1.90 to RM3.00 here. Pocky costs almost double, if not more. The quality however, is well worth the money.


The same sticks by Meiji are a little lacking, though. Meiji makes chocolate, and their chocolate is the go-to brand for lots of Japanese. We got the cappucino flavor from Meiji and the almond flavor from Glico. The Glico Pocky was awesome - aromatic, and flavorful; while the Meiji one only had the aroma~

Casserole-baked chicken and potatoes with pear

Since both my sisters have interests in cooking, we usually get treated to a nice, home-cooked dinner every week or fortnight. While my younger sister tends to overcook meats, any dish coming from my older sister's skills are a guaranteed awesome dish~

Cheese-baked asparagus~

 My older sister would fashion a Western dish 9 times out of 10, but none of us are really complaining~ We had some cheapskate pears that weren't really fit for eating, so what she did was stuff it into a casserole along with sliced potatoes and chicken thighs, then baked it~ Served with cheese-baked asparagus~

Orange crepes with whipped cream!

We got a tamagoyaki nabe from Daiso recently, and it's a rectangular pan meant for Japanese rolled omelet (tamagoyaki = Japanese rolled omelet; nabe = pan). And I was also watching one of Ochikeron's crepe videos, and was craving it. Guess what? My sister made some with the rectangular pan~ Then she stuffed it with hand-made whipped cream and orange wedges~


I am an innate fan of soba noodles. At a Japanese restaurant (depending on which one I see first, if the menu has both), I would always order soba or gyudon (beef-topped rice bowl). At the same place where I got the Glico and Meiji biscuit sticks (Shojikiya), I also got some nice soba tsuyu (soba noodle soup base).

Home-cooked zaru soba!!!

And obviously I'd use that to make some home-cooked zaru soba (cold soba noodles). I chilled the tsuyu, cooked the noodles and rinsed it in iced water to remove the starch and to make it cold. You're supposed to serve it on a soba dish, which is something like a deep-plate, but with a bamboo mat on top to further drain the noodles.


I mixed the tsuyu with some hon-dashi, which made the flavor even more like those you would get in restaurants. Topped the noodles with some shredded seaweed paper (nori) and mixed some bonito flakes into the soup, along with a touch of wasabi~ HEAVEN~!