Search This Blog

Friday, January 12, 2018

2017 in a nutshell

Gosh, the writer's block is strong recently. I suppose it's because my writing is usually fueled by frustration LOL

I could look back on almost every year and say it was a productive and wonderful year, but none so much as the year that just flitted by. For the first time in a while, I noticed significant enjoyment, happiness, and growth throughout the year.


By the end of 2016, I was 80kg - the hourglass figure I was proud of despite dissatisfaction with certain parts was then a giant lump of lard. Sucking in my stomach did not do anything to make me look less pregnant. I hated everything about myself, and since I tied most of my self worth of how I looked back then, I was a mess.

But I had a new routine I never thought I'd be excited to have - the gym. It was a place of contempt in the past, because I was doing it wrong. I had my male colleagues guiding me in the gym, which made all the steel seem less intimidating, and it has progressed to a point where I'm excited and proud that I lift.

By the end of 2017, I lost 15kg of that excess weight. I have certain muscle definitions that I never had even when I was at my skinniest. Although there are still certain garments that I can't fit into, I find myself walking with an air of confidence that I never had before. Feeling sexy also comes much easier.


I have felt a satisfaction that I've never felt with other guys before. It's been a year, and despite occasional conflicts, it still feels like we're in our "honeymoon period" (which usually only lasted a few months in past relationships).

While past relationships taught me how to love despite differences, and how I never wanted my relationships to be, this relationship has taught me - and is still teaching me - how a healthily stable relationship can be one of the best relationships to exist.

We objectively talk about everything - literally. An open-minded partner is one of the best partners you could have, where discussions are abound and nothing is judged or brushed off.

He's also helped me grow so much, guiding me when I needed it and was generous with encouragement to further push me out of my comfort zone, but never spoon-feeding. There's just a very nice balance in how the relationship feels - a healthy penchant for imagination while keeping our feet firmly planted on the ground.


I'm still recovering from my personal recession, also known as money I should have saved for myself instead of spending it on frivolous shit to please someone else. And I bought a new phone, so there's about 3k of my money gone as well.


I'm still terrified of being passed the decision baton, and still have certain anxieties when it comes to "familiar" situations. I'm still super defensive when my opinions/known facts are refuted by opposing opinions/misguided facts because I used to argue with a wall of non-logic.

But it's getting easier to just let go of things that are out of my control, and not assume that I will automatically be held responsible for everything even when I'm not. Keeping a level head to make decisions has also become a little easier.


Can I say it's so much easier to have platonic friendships without feeling guilty that I may or may not be cheating unconsciously?! Although I pushed through with having male friends, I had that nagging feeling that I may be getting "too comfortable", and would tend to feel super guilty about discussing anything other than platonic work/interest topics.

I can now comfortably be the only girl in a group of all guys for lunch or even a short trip. I can chat about all sorts of things with anyone I want, while still having clear sight of what I'm doing, and if I'm crossing the unseen line between friendship and infidelity. Open discussions about such friendships with the SO is also super helpful in the sense that we establish where we draw our "cheating" line respectively.

Lunch outings with the girlfriends are also so much more relaxing in the sense that I no longer have to keep my eye on the time, lest my enjoyment led me to leave later than I mentioned that I may.


It was a year of immense improvement and experience. I got to travel without a strict schedule, order sundubu jiggae, and carry an oversized raccoon plush all the way back from Seoul to KL. I have a relationship based on constant checking of mutual comfort levels, and doing things that we both enjoy, while having healthy banter and discussions (that include me being a smart-ass sometimes).

Can I have more years like this?

Thursday, December 7, 2017

Johnny for Grindelwald

I have a bone to pick with the people who are screaming bloody murder for Johnny Depp to be taken off the Fantastic Beasts movie franchise.

Apart from one comment saying his complexion was too dark to be Grindelwald (which I disagree, because Johnny brings a very nice dimension to the character, IMO), the most common reason was his case of alleged domestic abuse toward ex-wife, Amber Heard.

Let's zoom in a little here - his case of alleged domestic abuse.

Accused by his ex-wife, who has actually been convicted of domestic violence.

Even his former partners came out to say that he was never one to be aggressive.

Now I'm not denying that people may change, and there may be more than meets the eye. After all, I don't know the guy, I can't vouch for him -  but unlike the Harvey Weinstein case, there is no other human proof of such conduct from him.

Regardless, the case was dropped in the end, and he was never found guilty.

I'm not denying that sexual harassment and domestic violence should be pardoned because the perpetrator is powerful, talented, and/or rich - there isn't any excuse for crimes like these. And I'm also not saying that accusations such as these should not be taken seriously.

But I feel like because of the Harvey Weinstein case and the following testimonies coming from women in Hollywood about sexual harassment from other big, male figures in the industry, many are adamant that this is another definite case to be put alongside all these other men who have used their position to take advantage of their female counterparts in the industry.

Getting back to Johnny and Amber's case - the case was alleged, no other proof was presented other than from Amber herself, and the testimonies from everyone else who knew him contradicted her accusations.

So now it's perfectly fine for Amber to work on Justice League - conviction and all - but one of the most fascinating actors of our time is being called to be dropped from the most magical fictional franchise of all ... ALL BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE CAN'T UNDERSTAND THE WORD "ALLEGED".

I'd understand all the kerfuffle if there were several other individuals who came forward with testimonies that were in line with what Amber is accusing him of - even then I'd keep my skepticism until the final verdict is put down with enough evidence.

But there is none.

My standpoint is clear - I want Johnny's version of Grindelwald.

In the end, we don't know them personally or closely enough to have any right to make any judgements about them. But I assumed the world would be more skeptical when the accuser is one with a track record for the exact crime she's accusing someone of.


Monday, December 4, 2017

Walking away but keeping the memories

I noticed that I have a tendency to apply situations and thoughts from my past relationship to current situations - in and out of relationship. I would almost involuntarily recall and compare current situations with the past, which confuses and intrigues me at the same time.

Whenever I did bring up something of that nature, my mother would tell me: "just forget about it". That's the 'essential' part of healing - forgetting, or rather, letting go of the emotions that come with those memories.

The thing is ... one doesn't just forget stuff that used to be the definition of their entire life at one point.

I've had a few exs approach me privately on social media lately, and the tagline for the conversations were more or less this:

I regret ending us. You were one of the best things that happened to me, and I could never really get to that level of comfort with anyone since.

To be honest, I no longer see any point in beating each other up at this point, after "us" had happened so many years before. We made mistakes, we had other priorities at the time, and the state of mind that we were in has brought us to where we are today, whether we like it or not.

We've moved on for so long, there's no point in digging everything up and settling scores - we'll continue living with the good memories and the bad, and cherishing that experience.

I suppose all this is easier to see objectively now that I'm in a much better state of mind than I was several years ago, and that I'm so much happier with my life now compared to the past.

While writing this, I realized that I have my claws dug into the ground, refusing to walk away from that roller coaster I called a relationship - torture and exhilaration. It was good and/or painful while it lasted, but we have walked away from it and shelved it for so long that there's no point in constantly wading through that lake of murky memories.

I've been desperately holding on to the memories and emotions to either validate my past and current psychological struggles, or to make sure I'm dating the right guy now. It sounds trivial, I know, but I was so convinced that he was the one at that time that I overlooked all the red flags. Or more accurately, I chose to "accept" them as the "for worse" part of a relationship - you win some, you lose some.

I would constantly bring up scenarios in the past relationship when they were relevant, with a clear intent to further push his name into the dirt and make him the demon that destroyed my sense of self, as well as our relationship.

For example, when catching up with people I haven't talked to in a while, I would mention how I gained a significant amount of weight because of their relationship, intending to tarnish his name even before they knew him. I would usually be met with a response along the lines of "weight gain is your own fault". While I disagree, and think that the circumstances and emotional fatigue at the time contributed to my weight gain, it does push me out of the bubble to see what I'm doing is in fact just toxic to myself.

I should, just as I have done with my other past relationships, walk away completely, allowing memories to come back if they do and analyze past situations objectively from an almost third-person perspective, as I do with old relationships now, but to also no longer immerse and force myself to hold on to grudges and memories.

There's no need for me to constantly hold on to everything that he did to us, just because I think that he is the one who ruined us... and me. I have so much more now, and the growth curve seems so much better than it did even just a year ago.

But like I said: one does not just forget. Our memories and experiences make us who we are today. I don't delete memories on purpose because they are all that I am, and it's nice to look back once in a while to see how we've grown, and how much more we can grow from here on out.

The memories and words and experiences will stay with me forever... I just strive to no longer look at them through rose-tinted glasses anymore.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Make-up comfort with "burnt cherries"

About 3 years ago, I just felt like playing with some makeup and ended up with a pretty intense look. While I was super proud of the darker-than-usual smokey eye I did, the real kicker here was the lips. My lips are fairly thick, and slathering on a dark cherry lip color over a layer of black eyeliner pencil made for a pretty goth look.

It wasn't Halloween, and all I went out in was a casual maxi dress. I don't remember much but the feeling of rejection that my ex gave me at the time for "subjecting him to scrutiny" for going out with him for lunch at the local McDonald's.

Heavy make-up here is typically only worn by beauty industry employees, or "club girls". The color black can almost only exist as eyeliner and mascara. Black nails have only begun to gain traction as a sophisticated color alongside nude, pastel, and classic manicure colors.

I would've probably been spared the criticism of being too bold if I skipped the black liner on the lips. Actually, I would have been spared all criticism if I was dead - one day you'll have to come to peace with the fact that everything you do will evoke criticism from someone - regardless of how good you felt about it.

Any black pencil would do, but it should preferably be a creamy one. I used a lipstick called Cherry Jubilee, hence why I call them "burnt cherries" sometimes the black pencil doesn't blend well with the lipstick and leaves patches of "charring" over the darker cherry color.

I consciously decided to recreate this look - particularly the lips - for Halloween of 2017. I wouldn't bring myself come up with a proper costume, but I figured that this would be enough of a shocker - and I was partially right.

I hadn't noticed how "far" I've come in terms of cosmetic comfort until I actually dug up the photos of that old make-up. My lipstick application skill still sucks, though - I almost never use lipstick, and this particular lipstick is hell to work with because it feathers and smears quite easily.

One thing to note, though, is that my eye shape has changed since I last did that look, and hence how I do a smokey eye is completely different.

I had semi-hooded lids in the past, so for any color to be visible, application had to be almost to the brow to get the "smokey" effect that I wanted to achieve. And I was hell-bent on perfecting brush application and blending techniques, typically obsessing over the precision and blending so much that I would spend more than maybe an hour to "perfect" the application.

Image from sichenmakeupholic on Youtube
A few months after I originally did that look, I woke up from a night of crying with a "double eyelid" only on the right eye. For the record, Asian eyes are typically not just monolids and "double lids" - depending on the amount of skin and fat each person has on their lids, they can appear different. For the "double lids", there are two fairly prominent differences in eyelids: hooded, and double, with the main differences being how much lashline is visible when they eye is open.

The person who was fairly hesitant with using eyelid tape was suddenly "forced" into using it, but I found a specific eyelid tape from Daiso that worked very well, so I had that going for me.

However, this change in eyelid shape meant that the shadow "technique" that I had worked to master was now obsolete to a degree - I could now do fairly striking eye looks with even minimal application of dark shadows, since they were now more visible on the lid.

And because of this significant decrease in eye shadow that I need to use, I can now get away with being more sloppy with my application. Or the more accurate statement would be that I'm much more comfortable with being less serious with my make-up application. In the past, I would spent up to 2 hours doing a simple look; for the entire trip to Korea (post to be up later when I get around to it :D), I spent only 10 minutes each morning to put in my lenses, apply my skincare, and do my make-up.

And speaking of lenses, they now play a more crucial part of my make-up. In the past, I could go without lenses because the make-up itself was a key focal point - the shadow was much more intense because I learned American/Western style make-up instead of Asian/local (tons of videos on this topic on Youtube).

Now I rely almost solely on the lenses to give the make-up that extra pop. That's how subtle my shadow usage has become, if I use it at all. Overall I guess my make-up looks much more natural, but I might look more aesthetically striking? (I tend to gravitate towards using colored lenses with little to no enlarging effects)

What I'm trying to say here is... I'm really much more comfortable with going out without the whole shebang of make-up - it had to be a certain amount of make-up in a certain way before I would go out and feel good for the rest of the time I had the make-up on. Now it's more of a vibe where I can just plop on some brows and I'm good even if I accidentally rub off half a brow in the middle of the day.

And despite still being fairly into dark, bold looks, I find myself leaning more toward more subtle, feminine/classy looks that don't involve too many dark colors.

Tl;dr: compared to when I put on make-up during my youth, I'm much more comfortable with how my features have changed, and much more comfortable without being overly strict about how make-up must be done for me to be comfortable leaving the house.

Monday, November 6, 2017

Misogyny vs Skincare

Skincare is a norm for most people. Period.

This is irregardless of age, ethnicity, culture, and gender. Why wouldn't anyone want nice skin?

Well, recently I've had to go through a little pissy fit because someone within my social circle had always openly criticized guys for avoiding the sun and using skincare. Why? Because these are things that are feminine, and should not extend to what guys should do.

There's the overdone rhetoric - boys/guys should be manly, and by manly meaning unafraid of damage and pain. Show any care to not hurt or unnecessarily physically damage themselves and they shall be deemed feminine, because this is only what girls should do to remain pristine.

Tl;dr: anything that girls are supposed to do, guys aren't supposed to do.

Guys using skincare became normal for me - my dad used it (because where he was for at least 70% of the year had super harsh weather), some of my relatives used it, and so did my peers. Granted, most of them only maybe used a face wash and a sun screen, with the occasional mask. But as the internet further introduced me to the world, more and more things became normal for me where others felt it was too far out of the status quo.

What some people fail to notice is that investing the time and resource into skincare - regardless of gender - is a form of self care. Sun screen and keeping out of the hot sun isn't just to maintain fair skin - excessive exposure UV rays can lead to skin cancer.

And because there's this stupid stigma surrounding men using skincare, said companies are coming up with men's skincare ranges just to make it more acceptable for men to use skincare. And let's be honest, that much fragrance in men's skincare can't be that good.

One of the arguments is that it's "unmanly" to smell like a bed of flowers. Well, the boyfriend uses Melvita's floral water lotion and smells like a bed of, well, roses all day, and he's still the manliest guy I know.

What if I told you that you don't need to be dark, scarred, and smell like a ditch to be considered manly?

Sure, back in the old days, men had to work in the sun because they decided to oppress their women to stay in the house (give and take, gentlemen). But now? There are so many more professions that doesn't require one to be laboring under the hot sun and scarring themselves all the time. Disposable income has increased and thus allowing men (and women) to further take care of themselves any way they see fit. And if Person A's way of taking care of themselves is to prioritize their physical appearance and investing in skincare, then who are we to judge?

I just wished that there's so much less stigma that surrounds gender and gender norms in general. Life's too short to be confined to being one gender.