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Monday, May 14, 2018

hyde Acoustic Concert Tour 2018 -Kuro Misa- Live in KL

hyde was my second Japanese music obsession, right after I found Gackt performing Returner: Yami no Shuuen on Music Station. Because of Moon Child, there was a plethora of material on YouTube about both of them at the time, and somehow hyde's (and subsequently L'Arc~en~Ciel's) harder rock sound drew me in deeper.


I pretty much gave up hope of any of the musicians that I truly liked to have a tour stop in Malaysia, what with their elaborate and largely androgynous costumes. But lo and behold, Miyavi came thrice so far, and we now have hyde, one of the biggest voices in the J-rock scene, and memorable to several because of his voice in various anime OPs and EDs.


I almost died when I saw the ad on my feed. Immediately, I knew I was gonna see him even if I couldn't afford the most expensive ticket that came with a meet-and-greet. Passing up this opportunity was not an option - who knows if he's gonna be here again, even when I can afford the most expensive tickets by that time?


But I couldn't afford the RM700-ish VIP tickets, so I settled for area C1 tickets (a.k.a one of the cheapest types). And because the only other hyde fan in the office had other budget plans that could not include hyde, I dragged the boyfriend there.


As the Asia tour started (first stop in Shanghai), someone posted the performance song list. I felt a little bit of a fraud in terms of being a fan of hyde, because among the 10+ songs listed, I only immediately knew three of them. It was that persistent feeling that I wasn't a "real" enough fan that I didn't know all of the songs he would probably perform, and for those that I knew, I didn't know all the lyrics by heart.

These were the only two practical options since I was also gonna have a piercing done before the concert.
Attire-wise, I wasn't really sure what I was supposed to wear - knowing hyde, his style would be fairly fancy, but mostly in black. Almost like romantic lolita with a hyde twist, but this was acoustic - so do I go all black? Rocker? Dressed up? Pretty casual? For whatever reason, I only knew that I was gonna wear fishnets with my denim shorts and comfy shoes that weren't my Birkenstocks.

Apparently Korean food, served in a bento box.
After a fairly hefty dinner at Avenue K, we headed back to the venue, where more and more people flooded in. The long sleeved tee I planned to get was sold out by the time I got there, so I settled for a short-sleeved tee.



Overall, I was in a state of disbelief throughout most of the concert - one of my teenage heroes was now performing in front of me, with just a band accompanying him on the stage. Despite not knowing more than half the songs being performed, I still cried my eyes out for most of the concert - especially at My Heart Draws a Dream.


There were also a handful of peeps I knew from the first Miyavi concert, including the most hyper woman I've ever seen, who also so far poses the best in photos.




It wasn't to say that I had no friends in high school, but I knew I was part of the group only because I was in the same class. Japanese music, specifically from Gackt, hyde, Miyavi, and the GazettE slowly became things that I realized only I knew and appreciated. Their music was vastly different from the music that my peers listened to, and whether it was a funky, funny song, or a romantic depiction of potential depression, their music spoke to me in a way that no other music has spoken to me - even up till now.


For years, I craved hyde's angel wings tattoos, and basked in his creativity especially when things got hard. It's hard to describe what he meant to me during my teens, and I'm so thankful that he included KL as one of his tour destinations.


I don't have many actual things on my bucketlist, but it included seeing Gackt, hyde, Miyavi, and the GazettE live respectively. I have two items crossed off the list. And seeing that GazettE will have an even slimmer chance of coming to SEA, I'll probably need to save up a lot before they *touchwood* decide to disband.

Friday, April 6, 2018

Kids are not my thing. Period.

Because I'm too selfish to be a parent.


Raising children is a huge sacrifice in itself. And the thing is that there is no guarantee - despite best efforts - that your child will be understanding and/or grateful for certain decisions that you may have made for their best interests at the time but upset them.


Also, understanding the reasoning to said decisions made and accepting/being grateful for them are two completely different things. I understand several of my parents' decisions that involved me while I was growing up, but it doesn't change my perspective of the situation at the time.


I'm still working through my own psychological struggles and resentments, mostly at the cost of those close to me.


In addition to this... there are the anger issues, the occasional bursts of violence - the contradicting dance between wanting to hurt myself and being afraid of pain.


Pile a handful of self-image issues and history of easy weight gain on top, I don't think I could be anywhere close to the type of mother I aspire to be - emotionally available, encouraging, easy-going, and the type of mother who would be considered "cool" and can have objective conversations with my kids about everything.


Tl;dr: I would likely be an emotionally, if not physically, abusive mother whom my kids will grow up to resent. Life is tough enough as it is without a plethora of psychological problems stemming from a toxic parent.


And to those telling me that I will change my mind once I go through the entire gestation period and childbirth: no. The risk is too big to be taken so lightly.

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

How about some credit?

Most of what I want are impractical. Certain aspects of my life suffer because of my "obsession" with practicality.


Is spending thousands on a large tattoo piece that is highly visible practical? To majority of society, no. Spending anywhere near a thousand on a tattoo is ridiculous for some, and some even wonder why even waste money on something that "defaces" your god-given body.


Is spending thousands on a designer handbag practical? There will be those who will call it an "investment", because apparently you buy quality with that price, and if certain brands are taken good care of, they can in turn be sold for near the original price it was purchased at.


Is spending my time being pissed over how ignorant and stupid some internet users are practical? Absolutely not. But it helps me see the world with a larger perspective - different arguments from different perspectives bring the topic full circle even when I'm still pissed that people are condemning Johnny Depp while ignoring the glaring fact that Amber Heard was actually convicted for domestic abuse.


In a nutshell, I would like to - for once - be able to discuss my desires without having them shot down just because they're not a practical way to use my resources. I'm tired of having to fight for everything that I want and believe in. I'm tired of having everyone operate under the assumption that I'm naive and ignorant about everything around me.


Do I know that my wedding plans may be a huge waste of money when the time comes? Yes. I'm not delusional nor am I oblivious about how many other practical ways there are to use money.


Ideally, I want things to be small, but reasonably lavish. There is the insistence, after all, that marriage is the final act of commitment (FYI, divorce is now a less-taboo option). Hence, why not spend a little more money on it to make it special? If we could afford it by then, then why not just go the extra mile?


I don't claim to have the best spending habits - in fact, they're actually shitty because I've always had to fight losing battles for things I want that others easily got (just because they weren't "practical"), and I've always spent my money on impulsive purchases that usually just ends up being donated years down the road.


But this isn't a blouse, or that pair of heels that I never got. This is something that will cost into the thousands, and I will exercise the same caution with this amount of money as when I decide to finally take the plunge for a tattoo.


Thanks for once again reinforcing the fact that everything I decide will always be questionable in your eyes.

Tuesday, March 27, 2018

三更半夜 之 自卑篇

說真的…

一個女人身體苗條皮膚潔淨的話,不需要美若天仙也會被稱女神。
不會化妝沒關係,要緊的是會打扮。

自小相當女神,到長大了也是一樣想瘋了。
可惜最重要的「自信」卻404不存在。

自小內心虛弱,太渴望家人的認可,但近的堅持tough love,遠的就諷刺字樣用玩笑掩飾。

慢慢地從
“為什麼不稱讚我?”
變成
“是我的錯,是我不夠好…在努力也不夠別人好、討得認可”。
一直只想聽到
“I'm so proud of you”,
可是往往就只聽到
“我知道你還可以進步的”。

天啊,
25歲了還埋怨這些瑣碎的,
還要搞到三更半夜一面寫一面哭。

我羨慕人家好基因、羨慕人家有自由去explore自己的內外、
羨慕人家對自己與身邊的都有要求與標準、羨慕人家能夠發奮圖強闖出一片天、
羨慕人家認同率高、羨慕人家不是我這樣的一個怪物。

目前來說,其實沒什麼不開心的:
事業可算是穩定,有會策劃又疼我的男友,身體上慢慢地進步著。

但是仍然有個覺得還是不夠:
工作不夠努力、情緒控制不夠好、心靈還是不夠強、還是配不上那麼本事的男人。
怕的是一失足成千古恨,稍微忽略了一點…就會失去所有。

自小自盡想了很多次。
我不存在了代表痛苦也不存在了。
不會再聽到人家諷刺的話,不會被自己心中的惡魔虐待自己。

有時候會想著…那時候果斷一些、勇敢一些,那該多好。
但最後我不是果斷或是勇敢的人,這可說是我還在這兒浪費地球資源的理由。

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Clarifications

There are a few things I want to clarify.


During the past festivities which involved meeting family members whom I usually only see once a year, I was asked several questions regarding my weight loss. Which was understandable, since I looked like a pregnant whale the last time they saw me.


BUT.


It was a bit frustrating for me to explain things, since they already have their own conceptions on weight loss methods.


Sure, I could have gone into a whole tirade about counting calories, macro-nutrients, and the immense benefits of weightlifting, but I knew for a fact that I'd lose my cool and get more and more pissed as several other people tried to refute my tried and proven methods with old wives' tales they've heard and believed for years.


So, item number 1 that I want to clarify - it's much easier for me to quote eating less as one of the main factors of losing the weight, because technically speaking it is an accurate way to convey this type of calorie deficit - less food = less calories consumed. But this generally leads to constant hunger, and more accurately, I count my calories and macros and make sure that I'm in a calorie deficit (this obviously flew out the window during aforementioned festivities).


I legit have a whole spreadsheet to count my daily calorie and macro intake. But it's soooo much easier to say "just eat less", than to have to explain the whole shebang and get cut off because one has lost interest.


###


And then I got asked how I exercised - I said I went to the gym, not for the treadmill, but for the weights.


If you didn't know, there's a whole plethora of people who don't know how muscle growth works, and how men's bodies are different from women's bodies. Sure, they know all about the societal expectations and child production part, but that's it.


So point number 2, muscle growth requires lots of protein, patience, and testosterone. Testosterone is present in both men's and women's bodies, and is the "opposite" of estrogen. You could call them the male hormone and female hormone.


Testosterone is produced is much larger amounts in men's bodies, and it influences body hair growth, muscle mass, and sexual libido. Women's bodies produce more estrogen vs testosterone, so women in general have less muscle and less body hair.


Having said that, it is immensely difficult for women to gain muscle, and regular weight lifting (even if women lift heavier weights than men) will only serve to tone the muscle without bulking. It will take hundreds of dollars worth of protein formulas and a much longer period of time for women to get close to a more masculine male physique.


So despite what someone else says about a woman they know who do weight lifting but got bigger, weight lifting is an effective method to lose weight for women. It's even better than pure cardio because lifting = muscles = more body weight hence more calories burned, and also muscles = higher and longer metabolism (calorie burning) vs pure cardio.


And I've been doing weight lifting for a whole year, and if you agree that I have lost weight over this past year, would you not also agree that what I'm doing is effective is weight loss?


###


Having my dad away for long periods of time for work meant that we had to learn to do lots of stuff, and my dad usually taught me to do some household repair work, and tbh you can learn practically anything from the internet now.


Previously, my bedroom had no proper work space - it was either sitting on the floor with the laptop on a chair/bed, or on a tiny collapsible table. Since the boyfriend has semi-moved in and we spend quite some time on our laptops, even for leisure activities, we needed a proper space that didn't jeopardize our (my) postural issues further.


I went to where everyone gets their furniture - IKEA.


I bought two smaller tables that summed up to the size that we wanted, then assembled one of them on my own. I then contemplated whether I wanted the boyfriend to assemble his own, but I had to clean the room, and loose table legs on the floor was gonna further piss me off.


So I just put the damn thing together so I could get other shit done.


Some family members insisted that this will further "perpetuate" the boyfriends non-active role, and that I will have to do everything in the future by doing thing.


Tbh, I don't mind. I've always tried to do "manly" things on my own, especially if it's in front of guys (which did wonders for my love life #sarcasm). And I didn't do this to "spoil" anyone, but rather to save my sanity and prevent myself from unnecessarily blowing my top just because I had to handle a few extra loose table legs while cleaning the floor.


Yes, I somehow perceive an hour's work to screw on legs to a table less work than having to navigate loose shit lying around while cleaning the floor.


So assembling one table isn't gonna somehow guilt me/perpetuate him into throwing the ball to me in the future when it comes to household handiwork.


###


And no. I don't want kids. Earth is overpopulated with humans, and I really, really don't want to be tied down for so long, and likely have my kids hate me and resent me for being a shitty parent.