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Friday, December 14, 2012

To him

Life is much more easy going now than it was a few months ago.


A few months ago, I was still bawling my eyes out occasionally for something dear I had lost. At that time, I was blinded by hurt, grief, and many other negative emotions that just clouded my mind very much. I think a recent crush cleared my head - everything is just me, or at least most of it.


One and a half years - fell apart just like that. Because of jealousy, selfishness, obsessiveness.


The problem with me is that I see my faults, but no matter how much I remind myself not to make them, they happen anyway. Am I not trying hard enough?


I was alright for a couple of months. Maybe it was because there was something to look forward to - false hope. My downfall for so many things. He said I was pessimistic before. Personally, I feel that I'm overly optimistic.


"Everything will turn out perfectly", I'll say to myself, every time something starts to happen, and scenarios start conjuring themselves in my head. But as they say: "the higher you put your hopes, the harder you will fall". I've fallen, so many times, from such daunting heights that I brought myself to.


He deleted me from Facebook, just because I had written a blog post at that time, and he judged me based on that (it was about a week old). I kept it that way for a bit - I didn't feel that I needed to re-add him to prove that I was his "friend". After all, I have other friends off of Facebook, and I'm okay with them.


A few days ago, purely on impulse and feeling, I re-added him. In a way I regretted it - his face appeared practically everywhere (not my news feed, though), along with my crushes.


Every time I see either name or photo, I'll inevitably think to myself: "what a useless wreck I am". Friends think I was alright after the break, because shortly after, I was "crushing on other guys" already. I can't be sure, and I might sound like a total bitch for saying this, but in a way, it helped me cope - it slowly helped me escape those nights (every night) that I would cry myself to sleep.


But to that one crush, if you're reading this: I really did like you. I would get extra nervous around you, I had to keep in mind to keep my knees from trembling, and every time you looked at me, my heart would skip a beat.


Other than that, I spent half a day with a couple yesterday, and I was reminded of so many things...


I remembered that I used to be jealous of them, because they could be so lovey-dovey, while I had to endure being away from him for long periods of time.


I remembered those times when we also used to do all that - cuddling, nuzzling, hugging, kissing, sharing stories, watching movies together... I miss that.


Right now my mind is in a mess - I don't know what to think anymore... Do I miss him, or do I miss doing all of those things with someone, anyone? I don't think something that had been the core of my life for a year and a half would be something that my heart will let go of easily.


Most would think: "this is utter bullshit". But I know, in some corners of the world, someone knows how I feel. I wouldn't call it pain, but this confusion is unbearable.


His favorite girl rock band came to Malaysia about a week or so ago, and he blogged about it. I put off reading it, because due to his "obsession" with them, I became jealous of them, and consciously made an effort to dislike them (most of the time). The only song that I listen to from them: Namida no Regret, the song that he introduced to me to listen to. Till now, it's the only song I cry to.


Then he had a recent blog update, so I took a look. I merely scrolled through, but from the first few paragraphs, I could see that his writing had improved so much - it became professional-looking.


From that, I deduce that I myself have no changed much. He, however, had moved on way beyond me. Actually doing things with his life. Me? Like Ken Min said, I'm pursuing my own perfection in my own way.


Ken Min... I've known him since primary school. I used to make fun of him, and sort of distanced myself from him during primary school, just because he was different than other boys. Who knew that this boy would now be the friend that I confide most of my pains to, and he actually understands them?


In a lot of ways, when I'm feeling at the bottom of existence, he'll comfort me and give advice, which usually cheers me up. Or at least, I feel less shitty about myself.


I have so many thoughts, so many self-conjured conclusions (some also define this as "assumptions"). I was just listening to the All-American Rejects' Gives You Hell on the way home from badminton last night. I can actually say that if I see his face, it gives me hell.


Not hell, per se, but it makes me really confused with myself every time I see him on Facebook. I concluded that, despite all my hatred toward him, and everything related to him - I still can't let him go. Another way of saying it would be that I still love him, to whatever extent.


I know he's reading this, so are many other people I know. Maybe not now, maybe about a month down the road, but I think he'll read it one day. I imagine him saying: "serves her right for being such a bitch", but somewhere in the back of my head, I think he won't. Or rather, I wouldn't know how he would react.


A year wouldn't suffice. It would probably take a few years to finally coax my heart into letting the past, stay in the past. He's not coming back to you, love. He won't and never will. He fell in love with you, and you made him fall out of love with you.


Love might be a strong word to use here, but honestly speaking, I really did feel it. It wasn't just "I wanna do couple stuff with him", but rather "I want to share everything with him". The line between obsession and love is blurred, was blurred.


Why is it always that you have to lose that which is dearest to your heart, in order for you to know that it was the most important thing in your life? Then again, no pain, no gain.


And why is it that I'm screwing every bit of chance I get, every time? Impatience? That, and some other factors.


Why the sudden outburst of feelings? Humans are emotional beings, in me more than many others. And the whole point I started writing was to let out steam, before I explode and cave in.


***


Gonna blog about Thursday (The Hobbit) and later today soon, if I get photos. Have an awesome day, everyone!

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