无聊。心痛。

好久没写华文了。今天写一下爽。

最近好孤独哦… 虽然身边是有朋友、有家人，但是他们的存在加在一起也不及他在我身边感受到的温柔…

他要我坚强，不要哭。到目前为止，我成功忍住我的眼泪，但是如果我继续这样的话，我不能担保我可以坚强下去。

那天买了一张专辑，要当生日礼物送给他。怎知道他本身已经买了那张专辑。反正都买了，就送给他嘛。就知道他不会收我的礼物，所以速递去他家。我以为我国的Poslaju没那么快的，怎知道第二天开面子书有他的信息，说他已经有了一模一样的专辑，而且骂我说怎么要买礼物给他，还要速递去他家（他爸发现了就大祸）。

一心一意想讨好他的心，怎知道出了反效果。他怪我跟他说谎，因为之前我说专辑是给自己的。我买生日礼物，往往都不会跟对方说是要送给他的，再加上我知道他不喜欢收礼物。

说出来，不是怪他。是怪自己，怎么一次又一次的让他不爽我、怎么伤心了那么久还学不会怎么讨好他。

可能是因为还不习惯不跟他在一起了。虽然是过了三个月，但是我们分开是我没有预想过的事情。吵架中，突然就说分手了。之后我道歉，要求复合，我以为他会答应。怎知我伤他太深了，说对我还有感觉，但是我给了他感情的恐惧症。

之前要求一个星期见一次，而是不需要去哪里，我呆在他家、他呆在我家也可以。他说这样要求太高了。难道爱一个人，想见他也有罪吗？别人比他、比他更多责任、比他更多负担，但是为什么别人能一个星期一次抽出时间陪女朋友呢？

据他说，我不能哭，也不能跟他分享我的担忧（他自己的背负已经够重了）。我也不能驾快车。这样，他封了我全部的发泄方法。想哭，却不能哭。想跟他分享心事，却怕他又不爽我了。全部在心里熬着，真的好辛苦。

也许你会很不爽地觉得，“怎么不干脆忘了他？” 相信我，好多人都已经这样劝过我了。朋友们。姐妹们。甚至是几位长辈。有些已经对我很无奈了，也不想听我说了。说真的，连他自己也部支持我等他。

我自己也挣扎了好久——要不要干脆结束自己的痛苦，把他放下，给自己一个机会呢？每次这么想，都会有那种很不舍得的感觉。暗恋他五年，拍拖了一年多，叫我放下的话……对不起，我做不到。

好辛苦地熬了三个月。连妒忌人家的感觉渐渐的变了很渴望想拥抱他的感觉。可能我最近不敢去睡觉的原因是每次一躺下，就会开始想他、想像如果那天我没说分手、想像如果我们现在还在一起。有时候会不知不觉地想像我们结婚；而每当想到这里，现实突然降落——这个梦想极有可能不会现实。

这三个月里面，开收音机会一直希望会听到情歌。今天播了 《至少还有你》。这首歌的歌词，不多不少也说了我的心声：

如果全世界我也可以放弃
至少还有你值得我去珍惜
而你在这里就是生命的奇迹
也许全世界我也可以忘记
就是不愿意失去你的消息
我怕我来不及
我想抱着你

其实我也觉得自己好蠢——世界上的男人哪儿都有。好过他的、会珍惜我的、会抽时间陪我的，全都多得是。 可是问心一句，真的没有其他男生会让我觉得很温柔，没有其他的男生会让我有那种很陶醉、幸福的感觉。用词语是解释不到这种感觉的。

有一首歌是能用来表达我现在对他的想法：“原来你什么都不想要”。不想要生日礼物，不想要拍拖……不想要见我…

也许是我想太多。也许只是上天在玩我、考我。

What's really been happening for the past 3 months

I've come to realize that my blog has become somewhat commercialized when compared with my older posts. I guess it's because the posts relating to other stuff than my daily life attracted more readers, and it was really satisfying.


However, for this post, I have to utilize my blog for it's initial purpose, that is to let out my thoughts somewhere.


About 3 months ago, my relationship fell apart, due to various reasons. We lasted for more than a year, and I think it would be safe to say that this was the only relationship that actually meant a lot to me.


After crushing on him for more than 5 years, my fantasies of being with him finally came true - we held hands, hugged in the rain, kissed, did silly things together. Things got complicated and difficult when he started his internship, and we weren't able to see each other for months at a time.


Being the weak and affection-needing me, I did what I can to get it, but at the end failed miserably, and even made matters worse. To add fuel to the flame, seeing couples all over the place and seeing my friends being so cuddly with their partners fueled my jealousy.


Three months ago, I made the mistake of letting go, thinking that he would ask me to stay. In a way, he did, just not the way I wanted it to be.


For the past three months, I've been crying my eyes out, wondering why I was so foolish, why did I do what I did? During the day, I'd be like the living dead - walking, talking, going to college, but in my mind a storm was brewing. I'd ask myself questions, make up scenarios, etc.


At night, I'd aimlessly browse the internet. I'd be physically there for everything, but mentally I was in my world of turmoil. Who would have thought I would fall so deeply in love with him?


In the past three months, I still talked to him. Sometimes I'd be hyper and cheerful, other times I would be so bothered about what's in my mind that out of the blue I'd lash out. Imagine the waves at a shore - sometimes when a wave comes in, it comes pretty far, but then the next few waves would be further back. That's how we've been for the past three months.


I also talked to a lot of people - friends, and his mum. Somehow I'd avoid this topic with family (although I know some of my family actually takes the time to go through my blog) because they've always had a grim view of this relationship, and I'd doubt that they would share my feelings about it ending.


I did share with my sister, though, and she advice, like most of my friends' advice was 'just let go'. They said it wasn't like he was the best guy in the world, and there are other guys available anyway, so why torture myself?


Some others were sympathetic, despite the fact that I actually did bring this upon myself. They just told me to be strong. Cry, by all means, but the next morning I had to be strong to face the world. They told me to occupy my mind with other things, like my blog, make-up (which was why I made two videos), and just don't think too much.


I've been having an internal battle with myself as well - I previously had asked him, what was it that made him decide that I wasn't worth pursuing, and what did I have to change in order for him to change his mind? The list was contradictory to my nature and how I was brought up.


I had mentally told myself to just let him go and move on, but every time I did, I'd burst into hysterical tears. I couldn't bear thinking about life without him. The past year was so perfect.


Every time I told him I'm crying, he would tell me to be strong, don't cry. He wanted his girl to be strong. He wanted his girl to be able to go on with life even when he wasn't always around. He didn't want someone to be obsessing over every aspect over him, confronting him for every moment that he wasn't talking to me.


Girl bands, exes - they were the main source of my jealousy. It made me feel that his heart wasn't with me anymore. His heart had always been with me, just that when I was making life difficult, the girl bands' music were the ones that kept him sane.


I only recently realized, there were little gestures that showed that he still had feelings for me. Defending me, calling me his precious when I told him one of my friends lost their cool and called me an idiot for torturing myself. Reaching his hand to me at the end of Miyavi's night.


Despite everything, he's not saying it's completely over, but then again he's not saying that it's guaranteed that we'll be back together. I guess I should be grateful already that we're still talking, and he's not avoiding me.


I've put some of the presents he gave me back into a box, and I smiled when I read the card that he wrote for my birthday and Valentine's in 2012. They were something like proof that at one point I was his world, like he has been mine the moment we first kissed.


Putting him off my chat list seems like a good idea. At least I won't be constantly monitoring it to see whether he's online, and battling with myself whether to talk to him. Removing him from my 'close friends' list also made things easier.


Well, like lots of people have said, life has to go on~ Expect the best, but prepare for the worse~ Stay positive and strong, everyone!

August Food and Haul!

The Haul

August was filled with heartbreak, and with heartbreak comes therapeutical shopping! Let's not forget the food, of course~ Got some new clothes, a new make-up product, and some awesome items from Daiso!


We've been on a search for a pocket-size lapdog for quite some time to replace Dukie in the house, and one of these searches led us to Summit USJ to take a look at an adoption drive organized by Malaysian Dogs Deserve Better. Most of the puppies had been adopted, and what was left was mutts which were to grow into perhaps huge sizes.


After that, we went for a little shopping. Saw some nice fashion pieces, but mum wasn't interested. She had previously been to a corporate dinner with a Venetian theme so she had to get some Venetian masks, and we were in search of those because I wanted one for a make-up experiment.

Fuchsia bag @ My One Shop, Summit USJ- RM39.90

We didn't really get the masks we wanted, but I did get a statement bag and some long-awaited silver ear hoops for my helix piercings.

Za Total Hydration BB Cream UV - RM22.85

Before that, we actually went to Mid Valley for another shopping trip, from which I got some BB cream to replace my to-be-finished foundation.

Straight Soba Noodle Soup Base - RM9.90 (I believe, on promotion)

Yoshinoya had a display sale at center court on LG floor, and that's where we got our Meiji and Glico sticks (refer below~). It's also where I got this Straight Soba Noodle Soup Base (on promotion)~ I mixed it with some hondashi (had some leftover from making tamagoyaki), and it tasted much more like those you find in restaurants~


A trip to The Curve proved fruitful. My mum has always avoided that mall, even if we went to Ikano and Ikea, which is just opposite. There's been a lot of stories about dark entities, and with the rising crime rate, the place just seemed less appealing.


But for some reason, my mum just had a sudden interest to go there - on a public holiday Monday, no less. Oh well. The moment we exited the suspending metal box, there was the Padini Concept Store, with items up to 70% off. Need I say more?

Tank tops @ Padini Authentics - RM9 each

Printed dress @ P&Co Essential - RM19 (after discount)

We browsed mostly the promotional baskets and racks, and the selections were awesome~ Vincci and Padini are basically under the same management, so a lot of Vincci and Padini outlets in malls have condensed all the outlets available in that mall into one to three shop units.

My mum completely disagrees with the public wearing of the "whore" tee.

F.O.S often has sales for T-shirts and shorts, and we took advantage of that promotion! 3 tees for RM45, when the original price is around RM25+.

Pink ribbon-strapped sandals @ Vincci - RM24+

Some lady stepped on my sandal and *BAM!* the entire back portion of my sandal came off, so I got a new pair from Vincci! And they're pink!

My new fedora~

The last time I had any pens like these were when I was in primary school, and those had glitter

Gluesticks, exclusively for make-up use~

Couldn't find one at Summit USJ, but this one was pretty enough, and it fits!

The Daiso in The Curve is almost as large as the one in The Mines, if not larger. Found a few items that I needed and wanted, including some soba noodles (one medium sized packet served 3).

 The Food

Now, practically every shopping trip will involve good food, or at least food that we crave. Which is why we follow on with the shopping trip even when we know there will be no potential purchases.


Pasta Zanmai is one of our family favorites, ever since we decided to try it out approximately a couple of years ago. I'll admit it's a bit pricy for pasta, but we consider something like a treat for the day. Usually we would ignore the rice and other dishes further back in the menu, preferring their house specials - Japanese-style pasta - instead.

Forgot what this is called, but it's a miso soup based pasta~

And usually, the dish itself falls extremely short from the picture in the menu. I mean there should be some degree of resemblance, but most of the time when the dish arrives, you're left thinking, "this ain't what I ordered".

Hokkaido melon parfait @ Pasta Zanmai - RM13.50 (excluding tax, and this price is the "I think I remember" price, but the melon parfait is cheaper than the other three parfaits)

The other most desirable item on the Pasta Zanmai menu are the desserts~ They have ice cream, parfaits, crepes, and other delectable Japanese desserts. My favorite are the parfaits - it comes in banana chocolate, strawberry, and matcha red bean, however they have recently added a Hokkaido melon parfait to the menu, and it's not bad~


I think any person who lives in Malaysia will know the flavored biscuit stick snack called Rocky. That's actually the renamed version of the original Japanese Glico Pocky (renamed due to "vulgarities in the name"). Locally, only chocolate, milk and strawberry flavors of Rocky are available, but in Japan...

Meiji Lucky stick - RM2+; Glico Almond Pocky - RM5+

They have tons of flavors of Pocky, and though I can't name any of them, just the thought of it makes your mouth water. Rocky costs about RM1.90 to RM3.00 here. Pocky costs almost double, if not more. The quality however, is well worth the money.


The same sticks by Meiji are a little lacking, though. Meiji makes chocolate, and their chocolate is the go-to brand for lots of Japanese. We got the cappucino flavor from Meiji and the almond flavor from Glico. The Glico Pocky was awesome - aromatic, and flavorful; while the Meiji one only had the aroma~

Casserole-baked chicken and potatoes with pear

Since both my sisters have interests in cooking, we usually get treated to a nice, home-cooked dinner every week or fortnight. While my younger sister tends to overcook meats, any dish coming from my older sister's skills are a guaranteed awesome dish~

Cheese-baked asparagus~

 My older sister would fashion a Western dish 9 times out of 10, but none of us are really complaining~ We had some cheapskate pears that weren't really fit for eating, so what she did was stuff it into a casserole along with sliced potatoes and chicken thighs, then baked it~ Served with cheese-baked asparagus~

Orange crepes with whipped cream!

We got a tamagoyaki nabe from Daiso recently, and it's a rectangular pan meant for Japanese rolled omelet (tamagoyaki = Japanese rolled omelet; nabe = pan). And I was also watching one of Ochikeron's crepe videos, and was craving it. Guess what? My sister made some with the rectangular pan~ Then she stuffed it with hand-made whipped cream and orange wedges~


I am an innate fan of soba noodles. At a Japanese restaurant (depending on which one I see first, if the menu has both), I would always order soba or gyudon (beef-topped rice bowl). At the same place where I got the Glico and Meiji biscuit sticks (Shojikiya), I also got some nice soba tsuyu (soba noodle soup base).

Home-cooked zaru soba!!!

And obviously I'd use that to make some home-cooked zaru soba (cold soba noodles). I chilled the tsuyu, cooked the noodles and rinsed it in iced water to remove the starch and to make it cold. You're supposed to serve it on a soba dish, which is something like a deep-plate, but with a bamboo mat on top to further drain the noodles.


I mixed the tsuyu with some hon-dashi, which made the flavor even more like those you would get in restaurants. Topped the noodles with some shredded seaweed paper (nori) and mixed some bonito flakes into the soup, along with a touch of wasabi~ HEAVEN~!

Merdeka Eve OOTD + FOTD

Hello, dearsies! I apologize if the overly-friendly English greeting was too much - I just feel very hyper today~ No idea why, especially when I'm supposed to feel like a rock due to the limited 2-hour nap before driving out to class at 7am.


Well, it's only coincidentally Merdeka eve that I took these photos (which is, as of now, today), no intentional planning was intentionally intended. Hehe~


For the outfit of the day, these were actually some clothes that I've worn for a brief period of time before this. Sorry for the awkward picture angle - I couldn't find a full length mirror and there was no one else around (or at least I forgot to ask) to help me take a pic~

Salmon tissue-tee - Tommy Hilfiger

Rust skinny jeans - Kitschen

Grey strapped stiletto peep-toe booties - Payless Shoesource

Pink bling watch - Guess

As for the face of the day, I planned to do the 5-minute full-face make-up challenge, then film the short clip for Miyavi's birthday video. Needless to say, the 5-minute make-up challenge failed tremendously - I took 10 minutes to just do the eyes. Oh, well.

I proceeded to add to and darken the eye make-up, purely by feeling with no planning ahead. I wore this make-up to record Miyavi's birthday greeting, and I find that it's slightly punk-rock-ish, but takes a hint of mainstream sweetheart make-up trend (ombre lips, not pictured here because it's actually not very obvious)~

1. Applied shu uemura Creme Eyeshadow in Beige all over the eye.
2. Shimmer beige with pink undertone from Maybelline Color Wear Trio Eye Shadow in Three Chocolate applied to brow bone as highlight.
3. Medium brown from same palette applied to inner half of eye.
4. Artistry shadow in Java applied to outer corner, cutting the crease; applied to lower half lashline.
5. Artistry shadow in Ash Black applied concentrating on outer corner, darkening Java; applied lightly to lower lashline; used on angled brush to tightline upper lashline.
6. Curled lashes and applied Max Factor False Lash Effect mascara.
7. Daiso Make-up Accessory No.50 (false lashes) snipped and applied in individual segments with 1000Hour Lash Glue. Small segment of the same lashes applied to the outer lower lashline of the right eye.
8. Za Liquid Eyeliner used to "blend" false lash spine. False and real lashes curled together to blend.
9. Brows darkened slightly with The Face Shop Automatic Eyebrow Pencil in Grey.
10. Applied Maybelline Clear Smooth Aqua Gel Foundation in Natural with wet foundation brush using dot-and-blend technique.
11. Liquid foundation set with L'Occitane Immortelle Fresh Powder Foundation in Fresh with pat-and-roll motion using sponge puff, with excess dusted off using powder brush.
12. Cheeks and jawline contoured using Bobbi Brown blusher in Blushed (technique learned from Jill Vengeance); nose contoured using Artistry shadow in Basic Beige using small flat shadow brush.
13. Cheek bones highlighted with Callas Finishing Touch Face Powder in Clear Pearls.
14. Lips are tinted slightly using thin layer of Vaseline and Maybelline Color Sensational Moisture Extreme Lipcolor in Soft Azallea by patting color with fingers.
15. Wrote "MIYAVI" in minimalist font using Za Liquid Eyeliner.

Make-up Tutorial: Bright Eyeliner Look

 

Every now and then I just get tired of being so gothic with my make-up choices - the moment I touch eye shadow, I tend to go to the blacks and greys, if not the darker colors. My eyeliners are black, my mascaras are black, my brow pencils are black. Everything is black.


Once in a while, I just opt for something simple, bright, but still wearable enough for daytime. I used to do this look during my first semester of university, but I've gotten so caught up in assignments and exams that I rarely did do any make-up at all, except for the occasional just-winged-eyeliner-mascara-lipgloss.



Another reason why I sometimes reach for this look is because it's quite unlikely that I would be able to finish using 50% of the pigments in my 120 color palette. Also, this look is brightens up the eyes, as well as giving a subtle pop of color~ Tone up or down the liner color to suit the occasion~

Products used (please refer to side bar for color codes~):

• shu uemura Creme Eyeshadow in Beige (any cream product)
• shades #1 &#2 from 120 palette (highlight color)
• shade #64 from 120 palette (contour color)
• shades #107, #106 & #103 from 120 palette (use any color/combination of colors that you fancy)
• shades #8 & #9 from 120 palette (any black, or dark grey for a less harsh look)
• The Face Shop Lovely ME:EX Auto Eyeliner in White
• Max Factor False Lash Effect mascara in Black
• The Face Shop Automatic Eyebrow Pencil in Grey (you could substitute with two tones of grey eye shadow)
• Maybelline Clear Smooth Aqua Gel Foundation in Natural (any foundation that you like)
• L'Occitane Immortelle Fresh Powder Foundation in Fresh (to set foundation)
• Bobbi Brown blusher in Blushed
• Callas Finishing Touch Face Powder in CPF04 Clear Pearls (face highlighter)
• The Body Shop Lipstick in 07
• Clarins Instant Light Natural Lip Perfector in 01

What I did was try to make a little gradient effect for the eyeliner. Sometimes going for plain color liner can be a little awkward, so I took a little tip from an old Japanese beauty magazine and added a little black, but instead of grabbing liquid eyeliner, I just opted for a little black at the roots of the lashes. Of course you could use any eyeliner in any style you like.

This look is also versatile enough to be used with a single tone of a color, a combination of a few tones of the same color (as I did), or mix it up into a cocktail of colors! My lids are much hooded, so usually most of the eyeliner disappears under the fold.


If you noticed, the wing on the left eye is actually longer than the other. My eyes are naturally unbalanced - the right side brighter and higher up the side of the face; while the left side is set lower on the face and a little more hooded. Same goes with my eyebrows.


The lips are kept simple, but pouty, to keep the focus on the eyes, unless you're aiming at doing this liner look as a compliment for a statement lip look. That would also work


As for the video, I used to edit with Windows Live Movie Maker, but somehow that wasn't working on my laptop, so I had to download and accommodate with CyberLink PowerDirector.