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Sunday, April 6, 2014

Complications

Meeting up with my ex-lecturer earlier today gave me an epiphany, or a serious realization - my human relations, especially with guys, are a complete mess.


I pretty much document everything that happens in my relationships - start point, end point, all the key points, how other people relate to them, how they're involved with certain organizations and such. Which is why a lot of things around me remind me of someone, one way or another.


With my close friends who have been putting up with my bullshit for years, it's pretty commonplace if I get "inappropriately" involved with a guy. Blurred lines existed in almost every relationship I've ever had - almost, but not yet, or not ever.


And the best thing is, all of it pretty much happened within the same time frame.


Heck, just within the 3 months of my internship, all hell broke loose - I drank myself flat out drunk for the first time in my life, actually heard him say he wanted to break up (through voice message) for the first time, and cried my eyes out in the middle of a hookah bar.


It's easy to tell people about how many boyfriends I previously had, and that number doesn't even come close to the double digits.


The list of guys whom never really drew the lines clearly, or were categorized as "special cases" spans from the North Pole to South Pole. For a less exaggerated representation, more than any girl of my age and demographic should have.


Whenever I talk with my babes, or people I meet on a daily basis, it's easy - I've had x number of blurred-lines relationships, bla bla bla... But talking to someone I almost never talk to... I never thought I'd ever say this, but it's beyond embarrassing. In the traditional Chinese terminology - dishonor, a disgrace.


While I say I have self-respect as a person and a woman, my actions say that I compromise too much. Too many times I allow myself to become an option for some, and a source of boredom cure for some. Those who actually care for me or actually desire me for a long term purpose are usually continents away, or have been semi-cruelly rejected and friendzoned.


It's something I proudly boast about to people in the past; but it's something I cringe at now. How the hell did I get to this point?


While I felt any self-value slip away very, very discreetly, I can sleep soundly knowing that I've never been those drunk girls in clubs stripping for every guy to see and letting everyone have their share of my cake.


And I've also come to realize that it's almost impossible to be as clean-cut as I want to be in relationships - I thought of relationships like a simple factory process: it starts at A, ends at Z, no loose ends. While I don't think exs can ever get along ever again (because one or both parties have fallen out of love with each other, and one shall not mess with free will), it's like I tied a knot and didn't cut off the remaining loose ends, and they slowly frayed and frayed.


If I were to adopt the typical societal mindset, I would blame the media for giving me unrealistic expectations for relationships, and it actually has - a little. The movies are all about the cuddles, kisses, the sweet parts - I pretty much expect too much of that, which leads to a lot of problems, which I've painfully learned from the hard way.


Having said that, it's still pretty painful to know that something perfect swept through my life for a few moments, but had to stay just beyond my fingertips for the rest of my life - like I'm destined to see everything, observe everything, and notice everything, but never getting to get anywhere near it. At least I can rest peacefully knowing that I had the fortune that many didn't have to experience such perfection.


Sorting out this mess is going to take some time, but at least I've already ejected some of the useless crap that's been lying around for not too long, but has affected me enough to render me almost non-functional.


Then there's that dilemma.


Have you ever come across the situation where you have actually a million things you wanna say, but when the time comes, you just don't have the balls to utter a single word?


That's me whenever I get into a confrontation with my mother over coming home later than curfew time or the time that I said I'd be home. There are so many things I'd want to say every time an suggested accusation is thrown at me, but I keep my mouth shut like I had my tongue cut out.


I'll just take all the damage then lick my wounds in a corner when I have less than the safe amount of emotional HP left.


It's largely because of the reactions I get that I'd rather not reveal where I'm going. "I prefer that you didn't" is a very twisted way of saying "hell no you aren't going to".


No.


"Hell no" means "no". Saying that you prefer that I didn't means I still can because it's an opinion. You'd flip anyhow - regardless of whether I let you know before or after. I'm always at the same few places, with the same few people - college, home, or that mamak that I always go to, and you would know if I'm going somewhere else.


C'mon, I could have a short trip to the beach in between classes for all you know. How many people could I possibly share 100% of my life with? Probably no one else has more information about me than you do, and even if you did know where I was going, I doubt that you'd be anywhere near accepting about the general activities planned there.


As much as you may dislike it, I have my preferences that would inevitably clash with a lot of other people's opinions - my relationships with various guys being one of them. I prefer roadside mamaks to an expensive cafe; I'm satisfied with MYR4 mixed rice than having to pay over MYR10 for about the same thing.


I'm so used to being said "no" to that whenever someone offers me something, I get impossibly embarrassed and guilty - it's like already a habit for me to not expect to get anything that I want unless I work for it myself entirely. Presents are like miracles to me because they rarely happen at all, and when they do, I feel illogically guilty for accepting them.


You want me to live like a hermit? Sure. Why not. But don't confront me for acting like one in the future.


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