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Monday, August 29, 2011

Mini gathering

For the first time in quite some time, I went out with some friends for dinner (and went way over my food-intake quota =P). Kenmin was there early, so I went out slightly earlier to accompany him, and we ended up walking up and down the row of shops a few times.

Met up with Yiee and Liyen, went to One Pot for steamboat. Maybe it was the stuff we ordered, but I found the food mediocre, but the atmosphere was nice, though I think it would be more suitable for a cafe than a steamboat restaurant.

After a really filling dinner there, we went on to Secret Recipe, more or less because I wanted some dessert and also to celebrate Kenmin's belated birthday by treating him to a slice of cake. Well, I was the one who did anyway. Was looking forward to a Carlsberg or any type of beer, but didn't get round to drinking one. =P

Anyway Kenmin ended up in my house until around 11pm due to transport reasons. It's amazing how people can change within such a short period of time - on the surface, all of us hasn't really changed, but those changes will soon reveal themselves.

Raya is just around the corner, and lots of people will "balik kampung" (Malay - "balik" for go back or return; "kampung" for hometown). It'll be less busy in the city.

As for some events these days, I got my National Service letter, complete with a bus ticket. There's a deferment letter included, but it needs some documents from the higher education institute. I've the request form for that letter, but the terms and conditions includes that all outstanding fees must be paid before any request would be approved, which means I've to pay for my second semester fees before I can get the letter.

And coincidentally, the National Service starting date is exactly the date I'm starting my second semester. I guess I would be more enthusiastic if I was in some earlier batch. Now that I'm in the middle of my education they shove this letter to me and expect me to show up unconditionally? Please.

Yes, I did want to go for National Service, but you put it right in the middle of nowhere and just expect people to comply - isn't that a tad bit inconsiderate? Correction, it's not a tad bit, it's EXTREMELY INCONSIDERATE.

And usually when you keep people waiting, they lose their enthusiasm for things, and thus if a person originally had an intention to do something, they don't want to do it after being kept waiting for so long. Comprende? So, as much benefit as NS gives, including my dream abs, SCREW YOU!

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Emotional update

I can't say that I'm not okay, 'cause every time I do, a fight starts.

I can't be emo, I can't be upset, I'm not allowed to cry. I must sweep everything under a mask and act like everything is okay with me. It's not like I'm blaming anyone for anything, but I just can't help much of my emotions, can I?

But then when I let out my feelings, I get the guilt of ruining his sleep. This is driving me to the point that I really feel helpless - I've tried lots of ways to distract myself from what I'm feeling, but everything doesn't work.

So damn depressed right now.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Dieting update

Julia (aka MissChievous) is truly inspirational - she's talented in makeup and her motivation to get fit and healthy is superbly admirable. Click here to see her weight-loss blog entries.

About a few weeks ago I started my own plan, and things have been going up and down. At campus, I'd take the stairs no matter how high the floor, and I'd stick to only Subway sandwiches, with a cup of ChaTime once in a blue moon.

In the evening I'd eat mostly meat, then an entire bowl of healthy, albeit oily, Chinese soup diligently boiled by my grandma. And basically that gets me extremely bloated, but I get pangs of hunger at night. Quite understandable as I'm trying to get my sleeping schedule back on track.

Now that it's my holidays, I don't have Subway, and there's not much fresh food at home. And since I don't have classes, I lack the motivation to wake up earlier than 12pm. And yes, I still sleep at 1-4am in the morning. Where exercise is concerned, I still do my running during my bath in the bathroom (I know it's dangerous, but so far the most I've done is banged my heel on the wall) and my Friday exercises.

I try to slip in some extra exercises like the 7-day ab training thing, but I feel not as motivated as I was in the early stages of the plan. I'm been starting on weights these days, but the overall exercise rate has decreased. My eating habits have also been irregular - sometimes I'd stuff, sometimes I'd fast.

The good things I've noticed is that my cardiovascular strength has increased - usually I'd need to pause a while halfway through the belly dance workout DVD, but now I can go through the entire DVD without actually stopping.

And also, my tummy has reduced in size!!! Usually it'd be over my *ahem* bust line, but now it's smaller (behind my bust line) and the ab muscles are solidifying. *HOORAY!!!* Can't say much for the behind-the-thigh orange peel skin, though. =S

I need to find some way to incorporate FRESH vegetables and lean meats into my meal plan. Every dinner it's pre-prepared oily fried/stir-fried and/or fatty Chinese dishes from the caterer. Any vegetables, even those which were fresh, would've been wilted to the point that all the nutrition has been killed. Where meats are concerned, I consume lots of processed meats.

Borrowed some health juice drinks from the library yesterday, though. My dad has been trying to get us to drink some fruit + veggie juice while he was here, why not fulfill his wish? XD And many of these recipes target specific traits, i.e. dieting, detoxification, beauty, to lower cholesterol and sugar levels, and just plain alternatives to our daily indulgences like chocolate and cream.

The age of rebellion

I mean this quite literally - the "teen" age = the age of rebellion. Every person goes through this phase, and it's the most important yet most vulnerable phase in the development of a person's personality.

The teen years basically refers to the 13 to 19-year-old range: the numbers that end with "-teen". It's usually at the start of this age that puberty starts, and the hormones start activating. The foundation of the personality has been set, so now it's time to built it. Unfortunately, this is a very precarious process - one slip up could mean the destruction of an entire future.

The teen years are usually filled with doubt, pressure and awkwardness of growing out of the cartoon-printed pajamas into maturity and puberty. Doubt - because we're still children, but we're expected to start acting maturely. Pressure - because we want to fit in, and feel left out when we're different. Awkwardness - because of the various changes puberty is making.

For girls, puberty means the start of menstruation, the growth of hair in some awkward places, and two pieces of flesh on the chest that grew out of no where! For guys, it's the breaking of their voices, the sudden growth spurt, and also the hair. For both, curiosity fills our minds - as an infant we curiously explored, until we've basically conquered the children's world. Now we've entered an entirely new world, we become infants again - curious about everything, but somehow adventure and courage was lost in some of us; some remained as daring as ever.

When I started my teen years, I was terrified - the first day of school showed me no familiar face (the only one being a person I was not close with). Secondary school students are what I call "noobfaces", especially in the first few years for most. Why? Because most of them are still children at heart, yet they want to fit in as part of the adult world, so their ways of thinking and sense of style gets mixed up in a rather amusing way.

Lots of things happen during the teen years, and everyone copes with these changes and shifts in their own ways. I'll be addressing a few of these elements here later. Some stay strong to themselves, some break under the pressure of peers and adulthood, some others just learn to adapt.

I like to consider myself somewhere in the middle, which is the one who learns to adapt. I'll admit that I wanted to be like the stereotypical girls - straight-ironed hair, a tailored pinafore, a boyfriend, a stylish mobile phone, lots of gadgets and fashion pieces to brag about, etc. I got some of what I wanted, including those North Star canvas shoes that were banned at school.

The main plague during the teen years is peer pressure. Let's face it - it takes all sorts to complete the world, and there would be no rich if there was no poor. Some are less wealthy than others, and their parents are willing to fork out money to pamper their children. Let's use this concept: monkey see, monkey want. You see someone owning that thing and he/she looks uber-cool and fashionable, so you decide on getting one for yourself.

You wait for your parents to decide on a 'yes' or you're saving up, but by then every one has one of those, and you feel left out. This doesn't only apply to material things - it also applies to attitudes, choices of vocabulary, etc. Changes in interest could also happen, as it happened to me - I never really listened to Chinese pop music, but just to get a conversation topic I started listening to it, and also went on to watch Taiwanese idol dramas, but I still kept listening to English songs and Japanese music.

Media influence plays a big part not only in teenage development, but affects the entire society as a whole. Like I said, some stay strong, some break and some adapt. Most of them are still vulnerable - children are innocent, and will learn by copying. Essentially, teenagers are children learning the ways of adults, so they learn by copying people off television, magazines, posters, movies, etc.

Many girls (and also guys) doesn't know that a lot of the photos and images of people in the magazine are wearing makeup, and also had their skin and whatnot retouched using photo editing softwares, the most popular one being Adobe Photoshop.

I was watching a group of classmates' presentation one day, and they showed a video of the production of a foundation ad on a billboard. The model was the average Jane Doe, with uneven skin tone and serious dark circles. The makeup artists just brushed a bit of powder onto the face, did some eye defining makeup, then just took the shot. Then the photo editors did the "magic" - they elongated her neck, evened out her skin tone, brightened her hair, widened her eyes, and there she was, a completely unrecognizable person.

Movie stars and models have their own way of taking care of their skin, but they're still human - they're prone to getting pimples and spare tires. It's just that professionals use computer softwares to trick us into believing that their perfect, and so we thrive to be. The main thing girls want? To be thin. And to achieve that goal, they do whatever it takes - literally.

And then there's the rebellion - this usually takes place after the early stages, and is usually because the teens think they qualify as adults already and demand their freedom. Naturally parents would restrain them because they know that their children are not experienced enough, and thus REBELLION is born.

While rebellion is now a common trait associated with "insecure teenagers", there are some cases out there that are extremely serious to the point that even caning and beating doesn't solve the problem. Family issues and peer pressure are the main causes of these happenings.

There are few teenagers nowadays who follow their parents wishes completely - even the most obedient of teenagers would rebel once in a while, it just depends on whether it's serious.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011


MiRRORs Magazine held their Ambassador Search at my campus a while back, and now the pictures are up for the first round of voting! Please vote for me~!

Here's what you do:

Step 1:
Click here to go to the voting page.

Step 2:
Look for candidate #138 (Low Chee Chean).

Step 3:
Rate my picture on the page itself~ (don't click into the picture~)

Help me spread the word!

Serious insomnia

I swear, never in my life have I been so stressed about an exam before. I actually started to study about a week before the exams started, which is godly compared to my usual glance-through-my-notes-five-minutes-before-the-paper-starts habit.

And for the first time in my life I'm actually stressed to the point of insomnia - I toss and turn for a few hours, finally fall asleep, then one or two hours later it's time to wake up. And my eating habits have gone haywire - I'm eating Subway sandwiches almost everyday, and despite my determination to have a super-light dinner, I always end up binge-ing.

Should eat more during the day - pack some stuff to campus to snack on, preferably some nice vegetable stalks. @@ And I plan on going on a veggie-and-fruit juice binge. Got some recipes lately, so maybe I'll get some fresh ingredients soon.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


Technically, yesterday was the first day of my finals, the very first subject being English 1. The comprehension and reading questions were easy enough, but the essay got my head spinning - we had to write on our dependence on computers and the roles they play in how we choose to live and work together now.

Tomorrow is basically the hardest subject in our current semester, but however I study, even after flagging all of the topics and painstakingly reading through every single passage to find keywords, nothing is locking in my brain - one big, giant lump of nothing. Thank the gods that most of our questions are MCQs, so most likely I'll just study for the short writing questions.

Feeling kinda lonely lately, and more prone to crying these few days. There's no maybe - it's exactly because he's been working extra long hours these few days for one event, and it's really so busy that he only gets back to his hostel after 10pm.

Also kinda prone to insomnia these days - mainly because of the exams, but also because I refuse to turn in early due to computer addiction. I slept at 3am last night, but the nights before that I slept around 4-5am, just before my mum gets up to get ready for work. Cool, uh? Then I slept at 4am when I was supposed to get up at 8am to go for a movie at Mid Valley.

Speaking of movies, I've finally finished the Harry Potter movie series. I actually forgotten that I had watched part one of Deathly Hallows. Anyway we had a few 3D movie vouchers from one of mum's company events, so we particularly chose the 3D version. Personally, I would prefer Maxx cinema 3Ds. XD

I cry in almost all movies that have tear-jerking scenes, but this is one of the top 5 movies that made me sob like a mad woman. Number one is The Green Mile, then next is Deathly Hallows Part 2. I really love that movie, especially the way Alan Rickman turned from greasy-haired, double-crossing, Harry-hating Snape, to the Snape that had such a deep love for Lily Potter.

And I also like that they added some elements of humane-ness into the evil people such as Lucius, Narcissa and Draco Malfoy - Lucius and Narcissa gambled their lives in exchange for their son, and Draco changed for the better in the end. I would love to see another series like this - magical, breathtaking, with an extremely captivating story-line.

On a side-note, there are actually some people out there that think that the Harry Potter series is a copy of Twilight. I mean WTH! Not having an American hottie in the movie doesn't mean it's a copy. And even though Robert Pattinson's character was killed in the Harry Potter series, it doesn't mean that it was meant to show that "they didn't like Edward". Please, bimbos and idiots, shut your freaking gap if you don't know what you're talking about.

The first Harry Potter book was published in 1997, and Twilight was published in 2005. So unless J. K. Rowling was able to read the future, I don't see how Harry Potter would be "copied" from Twilight. And Harry Potter's main focus are on wizards and Harry's quest on destroying Voldemort, while Twilight is a love story between a human, a vampire, and a werewolf. What, may I ask, is the point that made you find that Harry Potter is copied from Twilight?

Anyways, to those ignorant people who still persist on thinking that Harry Potter is a British copy of Twilight, all I can say is bask in your ignorance and foolishness. Let the world laugh upon your stupidity.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Test run + that time of the year

For the cookie recipe that I found online. They're supposed to be cappucino crisps with a coffee icing-ish thing, but I was looking for more of a slightly-browner-than-butter-cookies color, or more like a cappucino color. The dough turned out like one of my previous attempts at chocolate chocolate chip cookies - extremely dark brown, almost to the point that you can't see whether it's burnt.

Anyways, the cookies actually turned out to be an addiction for my sisters after altering the thickness a bit (the name was "crisps", so we tried some thinner cookies, at it worked!!!). The icing, however, is a whole different story. Here's a piece of advice when cooking and/or baking: ALWAYS READ THE INSTRUCTIONS CAREFULLY AND FOLLOW EVERY SINGLE WORD.

According to the recipe, I needed 4 cups of confectioner's / icing sugar. We only had 2 cups, so my sister (who studies culinary arts) suggested that I halve the recipe. Fine. I forgot to halve the amount of milk I was to mix into the sugar. Fine. I tried adding another two cups of fine granulated sugar. DISASTER STRIKES. While spooning out the sugar from the container, the milk cooled, thus unable to dissolve the sugar. And I also just poured in all the hot milk in one go, when I was supposed to "gradually stir" it in. MASSIVE PHAIL.

Now I have a ginormous bowl a concoction of sugar, light corn syrup, coffee, vanilla essence, milk and salt. I'm planning to making it a home-made exfoliation product. Any comments? Everything in it seems innocent enough, though I'm not really sure whether it would be generally safe for facial use. =P

I have to do a post on camwhoring soon and tag my younger sister in it. She's the kind that sees pictures online and tries to copy all the "lala mui"'s poses. I know most teenagers want to be part of the "trend", and I admit I was also once like that before, but those pictures where the "lala" poses failed, those are deleted and are never heard of again.

I know that everyone goes through the beginner stage of everything they do, but 我接受唔到咯! (It means "I can't accept it" in Cantonese) I'm not saying that I'm a complete professional at camwhoring, but I know when I don't look nice in pictures. I'll try to put it up soon, most likely after my finals.

And I'm probably gonna post about my tattoo (after 4 months of getting it =_=). Reason for the delay? No one was supposed to know, but my mum found out (whether she was furious or okay with it I don't know, but she didn't really say anything about it), my dad knows, my aunt knows, my (tattooed) uncle knows, so why not? I'm gonna need a better picture though.

My exercise is paying off - my muscles feel stronger, I'm getting biceps, a slight hint of a six-pack, and my tummy has reduced in size. My tummy was usually at the point that I'd to bend my back a bit in order to see my feet, now I still have to, but not so much. Looking in the mirror, I actually feel better now that my butt is slightly firmer and my thighs are slightly thinner.

I can't hope for a completely flat tummy - I'm just not born with it, and some say that those girls with a big tummy and/or hips / butt actually signifies fertility. =x As for my boobs, I'm quite happy with my Cs now. XD

It's that time of the year again, where the Chinese celebrate the Hungry Ghost Festival. Legend has it that on the 15th night of the 7th lunar month (Chinese calendar, obviously), the souls of the dead ascend from the lower realm and visits the living. So the entire 7th lunar month is considered the "ghost month".

During this month, every one (mostly Chinese) try to refrain from wearing black, red and/or white, avoid going out at night, always carry a safety pin (or something sharp and pointed as this is believed to prevent spirits from following you home) or a charm of some sort, covering their foreheads (the forehead and the two shoulders represent "lights" that deter spirits), and cursing (as this is believed that the spirit might get offended).

So just a few nights ago, I was Facebooking as usual. My older sister had just finished her bath and was waiting for sleep to come. My grandmother was asleep, and recently she has this habit of not switching on the table lamp. Out of nowhere I heard something topple over in my room - I thought my grandma got up to use the bathroom and knocked something over.

I waited a while, and instead of my grandma, my sister came scrambling out. She said that something fell over, but it wasn't her or my grandma. I guessed that it was the clock on the bureau, since it constantly slid down with a thud (no nails are allowed on the walls in my house, and no more hooks are permitted). An hour later, we both went to sleep together.

I switched on the light, and it wasn't the clock that slid down - it was the table lamp. My sister and I were spooked. And even worse, insomnia decided to hit me just then. I used my eye mask to cover my eyes and desperately tried to think of something other than what I thought it was.

The next day my mum guessed that it was just the wind that blew the curtain, and in turn pushed the lamp out of balance. But there's wind every night, and strong as it is it never made the table lamp topple over before. Anyway, as the Chinese say: it's better to believe than not, especially during these times.

It's not like I want to be superstitious, but I watch lots of movies, and I'm the kind who likes to watch ghost-related programs in the middle of the night, alone and with most of the lights off. And I've had a few friends who had encountered "spirits" this month - a mysterious bruise on the leg, with no memory of how she got it, and no pain in the bruise: this is what we call "pinched by spirits".

The same person had another encounter: she was sleeping, and suddenly she felt as if something was pressing down on her - she couldn't move, and she couldn't make any sounds - this is what the Chinese call "pressed by a spirit".

We were sharing some information about the Malaysian casino king Lim Goh Tong (deceased) yesterday. Supposedly he has 20 children and all his fortune went to the youngest child, who had converted to Islam. Some people concluded that Lim Goh Tong himself was Muslim, thus not leaving a cent to his other non-Islam children.

Then came the scary part - my mum said Lim Goh Tong's fortune was around RM1 trillion, and the casinos always went through renovation, because in Cantonese renovation is "装修" - as in "the dealer", and as in "receive" or "take". In Cantonese the reading of the word "renovation" also means that the dealers always wins, thus raking in the profits.

Then my sister want on to add that they "rear little ghosts" under the gambling tables. This is a traditional Chinese superstition that if you take the spirit of a child and "raise" it by feeding it and giving it offerings, they will, in turn, fulfill your requests on certain terms.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Exercise log

I normally don't exercise much, but these days I'm making it a point to do at least 15 minutes of any exercise, whether it's cardio or muscle toning.

I usually don't mind sports, and sometimes would actually be the one who's the most excited about it. My problem? Muscle strength + durability and cardiovascular strength. I actually learnt about both of these from my PE theory classes, but I clean forgot about the types of exercises to increase both muscular and cardiovascular strength and durability.

Muscular strength refers to the strength that your muscles have, and they don't have to be bulging like Dwayne Johnson's or Vin Diesel's to be considered strong. Muscles bulge only if you binge on protein, which is mainly what our muscles are made of. Muscular durability is related to how long your strength lasts before you get tired. Since I don't exercise much at all, my muscles get tired and seize up very quickly.

The cardiovascular system has something to do with your heart, lungs, and blood circulation. The better your cardiovascular strength, the longer the time span that your body can supply oxygen to the muscles. If you are out of breath easily, then your cardiovascular strength is pretty weak. Cardio exercises are also the best way to burn fat.

So usually at home, I'd do some jumping lunges, which is the same as the picture, with the difference that I stay where I am, just adding a jump in between lunges, which helps tone the leg muscles. Then some butt exercises here and there, and some push-ups. For some reason, I like to do my push-ups on soft surfaces like mattresses - I find the workout easier if my knees actually feel comfortable, as compared to a cold, hard tile floor that I usually did my push-ups on in high school.

I've tried doing this - it's a 7-day abs workout to burn fat and tone the muscles. It's supposed to be English, but the one that my friend gave me was in Chinese. However, I think the physical demonstration itself is sufficient. I saw effects on the first day already, and was determined to continue, but my determination was undermined by food and sleep.

Every time I have a whole day completely free of classes, I tend to make my younger sister exercise with me, with some DVDs that we have. Yoga, belly dance (my favorite XD), modern group dancing, Latin dance workouts, and we recently acquired a Jane Fonda workout VCD, but we've yet to try that out.

However, religious hard work pays off - I'm starting to see less orange-peel skin on the back of my thighs, and ... dare I say it - my butt looks nicer. My tummy has also decreased in size, though I don't know about my weight.

Ever since primary school, we've all heard from various teachers and pep talks that exercise is good for health, yada yada yada~ And we have to maintain a balanced diet to keep our immune system strong and bla bla bla. That is all easier said than done, and I mean that very seriously.

We're so completely used to having everything easy-fied for us, and some of us eat ready-to-eat food on a daily basis, not knowing what stuff they put into our food. Try following all those "healthy" rules in the book - regular exercise, and strictly follow the food pyramid where your food in concerned. I think some of us may find that nearly impossible.

BUT DON'T LOSE FAITH, DEAR PEOPLE! I HAVE ... uh ... an alternative? Nah. Just some tips. I'm no workout, diet or health guru, nor do I want to be. I like eating, and though I'm not really sensitive to the various tastes and flavors of food, I enjoy eating delicious meals. I like to snack, especially when I'm emotionally upset. Especially where chocolate is concerned, I'm wary about trading my milk chocolate for dark chocolate.

Here's some tips:

  • Roughly estimate the fat, oil, sugars, and carbohydrates in a dish or meal. Based on that estimation, make your decision.
  • Where salads are concerned, look for salads with really green veggies, some beans, and preferably a vinaigrette dressing. Caesar salad is by far the most unhealthy of salads - croutons, iceberg lettuce (lower in nutritional value than its greener counterparts) and unhealthy dressing.
  • Veggies doesn't only mean greens and carrots, you can flavor it with some pepper, vinegar, and even veggies that are flavorsome on their own such as olives and tomatoes.
  • Avoid creams, fried foods, cheesy stuff, pastries - usually the most common things that people would say are packed with calories and fats and whatnot.
  • Totally omitting all the stuff you love would make you feel just miserable - snack and indulge yourself every now and then. Limit your intake of these indulgences, though. Make it something like a treat for yourself every time you reach a goal or complete a mission.
  • Go at your own pace, rest when you need, but try to push yourself to complete the workouts you've planned or are following.
  • For best results, do the workout for a span of 10-30 minutes (depending on your goals), rest for 2-5 minutes, then continue.

Another disclaimer: I'm no professional, nor do I claim to be one.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Rantings about video productions

I'm not biased to anyone in particular here, and I don't claim to be an expert - all these are my personal thoughts and opinions. And I'm also not gonna say any names.

As our final assignment for Media Appreciation, we were divided into groups and were told to create a video based on the genre that was randomly picked by a group member. The available genres were drama, sitcom, food documentary and travel documentary. We were given more than a few months to plan, script, film and edit.

I'll start off with the most basic - captions / fonts in the video. It would be safer to ask an English-proficient group member to go over the captions, subtitles, or any text that would be added into the video as a visual supplement - I was utterly at awe when I saw 'sauce' spelled 'sos'. I think even in university, we would already be able to differentiate English with Bahasa Malaysia.

And also the font types and colors - it should be casual-ish without being to hard to read, and the color should be more of a neutral one, though contrasting with the background. It would also be better to have a rough script than absolutely nothing but spontaneity.

Camera angles and movement are also quite important - too much movement makes audiences dizzy, too little is equal to boredom. The best reference? Real life programs that are relevant to your video genre. Observe and take inspiration and ideas from there.

Timing is also crucial - it just seems weird when actions and speeches are out of sync. And I personally would   let the video go through some pilot testing - get some random people and show them the video, then interrogate them for their opinions. Some scenes are harder to nail than others, and especially for some parts, a little more struggling and crying might be called for, as for some emotion, other than constantly texting.

But as far as some first-timers go, we actually did pretty well - we as in the entire class. However, some may need to look for better locations due to lighting and background noise. Like I said, these are my personal opinions, not biased to anyone.

Monday, August 15, 2011


Feeling better today, especially knowing that the cut is healing, though it's definitely gonna scar. Another reason to get a tattoo. XD

Anyways, I've been going through almost everything I own these couple of days. On day one I went through all my miscellaneous stuff in my cupboards. Threw out lots of stuff actually - I've noticed that I have a knack of keeping things that I deemed had "sentimental value", which actually just turned out to be junk. I guess I just don't want to throw away things that reminds me of my more care-free years.

I rearranged the stuff so that access to my make up and accessories are easier, and brought out some less used things like my hairspray and styling wax so that wastage would be decreased to a minimum. As for my bureau top, I got rid of lots of clutter and put my paper recycle pouch vertically to optimise space, then I put all my make up "equipment" (brush set, 120 palette, and two other boxes of products). As for my skin care mini-drawer, I threw out lots of old sample sachets.

Day two I went through every piece of clothing in my bureau - tops, bottoms, cardigans, socks, underwear, sleeping clothes, and all the little bits and pieces belts and stuff lying around. I found a great deal of accessories hidden between the tops, which I thought were lost.

Anyway at the end of the 5-hour sorting-and-cleaning-and-playing-games-on-the-iPad session. I was finally left with a large pile of unwanted cardigans, T-shirts, and some underwear. This week I'm gonna go through my storage drawer and the upper cupboard. And maybe also my mini-drawer.

I'm supposed to be studyi - nay, I was supposed to be studying since around a week ago, but I'm still blog-walking, Facebook-ing, Mapling on Facebook, and playing addictive games like iSlash, Panda BBQ and Sky Burger on iPad; and Need For Speed S.1.0 on PSP. But seriously, I need to control myself and start studying if I want to continue to my next semester.

I also need to sleep earlier, eat breakfast, decrease dinner, increase frequency of exercise and most of all, stop being a total bitch to him. Oh yeah, and study more, I almost forgot that.

Saturday, August 13, 2011


We all make mistakes, but sometimes the mistakes we make is too serious to mend, especially if it involves a heart.

After years and years of mustering up my courage and foolishness, I finally cut myself deep enough to leave a scar. By doing that foolish thing, I etched a mark onto his heart as well.

We had an argument, because of some little thing again - the bad guy being me. I hate it when people just go missing halfway through a conversation, and since I don't know what happens after that, I tend to jump to conclusions.

So 16 hours after the abrupt end of the conversation, all I received was a text saying that he "fell asleep". Our first full on argument started there. Supposedly he slept at 5am, after a concoction of incidents. The argument got so heated that were now still in the after-effects of it.

Now I've got a few shallow cuts on my calf and wrist, and a huge plaster where the deep cut is. The problem with being apart is I can't know how he is right now. He seemed a bit suicidal a few moments ago, and I've now caused him to lose his appetite.

I'm not gonna make any excuses for myself - I have a personality, patience and temper problem, which is the main cause of everything. Hope everything will be alright...

Friday, August 12, 2011

Some stuff

Would really like a new layout for my blog, but clueless about layout editing. If I'm not wrong, I think it includes html, which is something I knew a long, long, LONG time ago.

There are so many material things I want right now - a Coach, Gucci or Guess bag, a pair of (preferably) Charles & Keith black stiletto pumps, and a maxi dress. XD However, all these are way beyond my budget. I'll have to wait for my life to be on the 'career' road before I can get any of the bags; as for the shoes, I don't think I'll be getting them any time soon. My mum has a habit of rejecting some certain requests of mine. Maxi dress she won't buy 'cause she deems it unsuited to our naturally warm climate, getting more warm due to global warming.

We did our IMC presentation today and was $%^&-ing pissed - we initially chose Warner Bros., but then Jessica decided to butt in and replace her group's name with ours. We clarified the whole situation, put our names back in their rightful place, and diligently prepared for our presentation. On presentation day? They did Warner Bros. anyway, despite the fact that our lecturer specifically stated that no two groups should present the same media organization.

Anyway that's behind me. Now to focus on losing weight + toning my body, living healthy, improving my skin, and the most important of all - MY FINALS. I fail this, I die ... literally. Well, not exactly literally ...... you get the point. =_=

My moods are really random right now. I dunno whether it's because I'm sleeping preposterously late these few days, or it's because I'm slowly changing my lifestyle, or whether it's because I'm starting to automatically numb the feelings of longing and pain when he's away. At one time I'm craving this, a second later I'm fuming over the fact that it doesn't work for me.

I don't need my blog to be popular, though I'd like it to be. This blog is more like a space to write down my thoughts, my ideas, my daily happenings, etc. Then whenever I feel nostalgic, I could just go back and read those silly things I wrote back then.

Throughout my life, I've been struggling with this very serious mental disease - it's called body image issues. Ever since I was a little girl with ribbon bows in my hair wearing party dresses out shopping, everyone in the family (and some close friends) all called me "fei mui", which is little fat girl in Cantonese. I had a passion for eating, and I still do, though I more or less just devour stuff.

During primary school, no one really teased me for being plump, as at that time, none of that mattered - all that mattered was we had fun, we made friends, we learned and we made memories. Body-wise, I fit in, but I still dreamt of being a runway model, wearing designer clothes like the ones I sometimes saw on TV. Thinking back now I was silly - my house has a space which we can fit two cars, and that area was empty when both my parents were out working. So in the afternoon after lunch, I'd go outside, and start practising my catwalk on that very driveway, in my Elmo T-shirt and shorts.

I started taking note of what was pretty among society during the last year of my primary education - I wanted long hair, and finally my mum allowed it (most local Chinese schools don't allow long hair, unless you had a specific reason to, and if you tie it up neatly). I hadn't seen the benefits of skin care products at that time, which led to the continuation of my pimple problem.

Finally, Form 1, it was because of my first relationship that I started to diet and exercise (2000 crunches a night). This diet has still stuck - minimum or no rice, and small portions during dinner. I also started to diligently use the products that my parents bought for me. Over time the hard work paid off - I lost weight, and my skin pretty much cleared up (the main problem was that I was constantly picking on the "unripe" pimples, and those pimples sourced from dirt, oil and air-borne dust).

For a short while I was satisfied - everyone said I looked like a bombshell, complete with an ass, decently-sized boobs and one hell of a small waist. However, my uncle let slip a bit of the truth he felt - "actually she's got the shape, but she's still a bit chunky" (or something like that), which was greeted with a nudge by his wife and a few glares of disapproval from the female relatives in the room.

Since then I've been observing other girls - both on the street and in magazines. Why can't I have those long, slender legs? Why does my thighs have to have orange peel skin? Why can't I have that flat tummy that she has? All those questions still plague me now, despite the numerous times that I've been told that I'm completely proportionate right now, and those are media-influenced stereotypes.

But let's face the truth, everyone loves the stereotypes now. Most of us anyway. I want bigger boobs, smaller hips, a flat tummy, slim legs, flab-less arms and a slimmer face. I used to admire myself in the mirror, thinking "how pretty that girl is, she'll be the centre of attention everywhere!" I got used to this thinking, 'cause almost everywhere I went when I was a little girl, every one kept praising my prettiness, and whenever I saw another little girl around my age, I'd get arrogant and think that I was definitely prettier than she was.

As I grew up, those comments changed - people focused more on my other siblings, and so did my parents. Their comments turned into questions: "did you do well in your most recent exam?", "how are your studies coming along?" Though most other people praised that I was a smart girl, other girls were out there learning the piano, dance, cheer leading, doing sports. Though it was of my own choice that I never went for those lessons, I resented my life.

I resented not being a dancer or a cheer leader; I envied and were jealous of those who were models and socialites clothes in branded wear. I thought that perhaps a change of wardrobe and/or accessories might make me one of them, but my requests were rejected again.

I think all of this just boils down to how much someone loves themselves and how confident they are of themselves. As far as loving myself goes, I hate myself as much as I hate being lied to. Confidence ... not much as well.

I'm just feeling so ugly right now - I know miracles don't happen overnight, but sometimes you're just born that way, nothing you do can change that.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011


Inspired by peacemusicbabe's post~

Back when I was 13, I had my first relationship, which lasted for exactly 3 weeks. Each week he'd request to hold my hand, peck me on the cheek, and finally a kiss on the lips. Being naive as I was back then, I still thought a kiss was like your virginity - it was sacred, and therefore can only be given to the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with.

After we broke up, I kept resenting that he was a heartless playboy, who cared of nothing else than having a girlfriend. Thinking back now, it was just the naive-ness and peer pressure that we felt to be in a relationship, especially with a pretty/handsome one.

My second relationship was awkward beyond words - he was extremely introverted, and my personality clashed with his awfully. He was extremely clingy, monitoring every second; and if I replied his text a few minutes late, he'd start letting his thoughts wander to the "break up" area. This happened so often that I got annoyed and broke up with him.

I knew I left him heartbroken, but secretly inside I was hoping he'd learn something from this heartbreak. We're still friends now, even more than the first guy, but we still seldom talk.

The third one was the most horrible one of all - he smoked (though he said he quit for health reasons), he was a goddamn egoist and always hid behind a mask, making me wary of what he'd do next. Right on the first day he more or less stole my first kiss - I was looking the other way, he came up close behind me and once I turned around he just kissed me.

I waited for that "lighting will surge through you" feeling, but there wasn't that kind of feeling. After I broke up with him, somehow my mum took his side and told me that he was feeling very hurt from the sudden breakup. She had no idea what was going on.

The fourth one, and hopefully the one that will last until the day I die, is so far perfect. Perfect as in we love each other like mad, and even though we bicker and argue every now and then, we manage to patch things up, and those arguments actually make our relationship stronger.

The lesson I've learned throughout all these relationships are that love takes time to nurture. I've known my current BF for more than 6 years, so we basically knew each other well enough already.

I used to blindly crush on guys and hope that I'll get in a relationship - that was just the peer pressure working on me. Everyone else were cuddling with their "boyfriends", so I automatically felt obliged to do that as well. And those that aren't able to get boyfriends deem themselves "unwanted by society".

My older sister and I are both in relationships, somehow this has made my younger sister feel like she needed a partner as well. The guy is ... the kind of guy I would usually avoid - the stereotypical "lala zai".

I think it all boils down to the type of person - some people just feel the need to have a partner all the time, anyone will do; some like to scroll through partners to find "the one"; others wait for Cupid to work his magic.

I've tried "advising" some of my girl friends about relationships, but what I got what "you're not qualified to give me any advice 'cause you yourself suck at relationships". You can't win with these kinds of people. If they refuse to listen, then let them torture themselves, but if these people try to complain to me about their relationships to me: sorry girl, can't help you there, 'cause I'm "not qualified".

So, my definition of love - love is a feeling that you feel toward one or many persons, and it's unconditional. He/she may not be the best looking of people, they may not have the perfect personalities, they also might have weird habits or interests, but if you truly love them, then you'll accept all that.

Love is deep. Relationship-wise, sometimes the feeling has to be activated via numerous ways. Some just happens the moment you see the person (which is more or less what happened to me, but I had to wait another 6 years before anything else happened).

If you really love someone, you'll forgive the person almost immediately for about anything at all. You share their happiness, their sorrows, their frustrations, their worries, everything. You wouldn't really mind if the person doesn't come from a millionaire family, or whether he's got tertiary education - those are for "ideal" husband candidates. However, it'll be hell being with someone for the rest of your life that you don't really love.

Disclaimer: all these are my personal thoughts on things, not biased to any party/gender.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011


Yes, I have a knack of pronouncing thingsh with kinda an "H" behind them these days. XD

Anyways just a quick update. Dad has went back to China, and mum is now on a corporate meeting/vacation at Pangkor. T_T When I heard Pangkor I actually asked out loud: "Can I go?" Everyone stared as if I just sprouted elephant ears. I so so so so so so so wanted to go. >_<

Sometimes I always hurt him by being selfish. It's not like I want to feel that way, but sometimes I feel as if he isn't completely there, which is actually acceptable considering he's working like hell from 9-5, and only has instant noodles as dinner and really little sleep. Every time I'm sick of getting jealous of all the cuddling couples around me and then I take it out on him, who keeps every single worry to himself, not wanting me to worry about him.

Then after causing him to miss an entire night's sleep and maybe a day of work, I actually realize that he's been there the whole time, and it's me who's being over-sensitive and unreasonable, counting every millisecond as if it were one second. And even when I'm unreasonably accusing him of things he didn't do, he always patiently tries to reason with me. Most times I don't listen and just ignore him for an entire day.

I hereby promise that I will try my best not to worry him at all about anything, and focus on the positive thing about long-distance relationships - if you love each other enough, it will actually strengthen the relationship. I'll also try to be extremely reasonable with my requests and expectations. I just want his stupid internship to be over soon.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Random update

I have already decided on the birthday presents I'm gonna get for him. I already got item #1, I've confirmed the price for item #2, but I've yet to get item #3 & #4. It's a secret~! The plans for the day ... is still kinda vague. I'm still not sure how to break it out to my mum, and transport may also be a problem, especially with the clothes I'm planning to wear. Anyways, I'll wait for him to confirm his holiday~

I just went to Mid Valley again today, after my aunt confronted me and lectured me about tattoos. Uh, hello? It's my body. Anyway I got a couple of bras from Pierre Cardin, checked out all the prices of every available palette at Elianto, Sasa and Watsons. Sorry, dear, I can't get Maybelline for you. >_< Had a nice lunch of beef brisket noodles at Canton-i, then got home and did random stuff.

I just written up a manual for my dear, regarding skin care and make up. Being as "perasan" as he is, I just wrote up the 5-page manual for fun. XD I did yoga for the first time on Friday - I almost died. It's not cardio like the bellydance or modern dance, but it really aims to strengthen and tone the body. So far, I hate it, 'cause my butt hurt after that, but after religious exercise and food intake control, I'm beginning to see some results - I'm losing weight, my thighs are slightly firmer, however the flabby arms and tummy are still here. =P

Finals are drawing near, gotta start studying soon. As Jay (my Korean classmate) said, we're not gonna sit for a resit. XD Oh yeah, I created a Facebook fan page for my blog, the like box can be found on the right top part of the page. Feel free to give me any comments (but no spam please) about how I can improve my blog. =)

I made cocktails last night, and it was my first attempt. My available ingredients were Smirnoff Triple Distilled vodka, Diet Lemon Cordial, Heinz Apple Juice, Ricoles Peppermint Cure and ice. The vodka was 50% alcohol, and since it was my first time mixing alcohol, I put in way too much vodka - around half a cup. I mixed in all the ingredients for mine, and got a horrible hangover after that. Next morning I woke up with an intense itch around my butt and a neck ache.

Ma new favorite song - Intro, by The xx, first introduced to me by Fahkrie during our MA song presentation. Then I got the song itself from Melissa, and now I'm addicted. You see, unlike nyan cat, this isn't annoying. I think I've listened to it over a hundred times already, and still it's so freakin' awesomely awesome!!!

Shall try to find time to study soon. Must, 'cause I'm determined not to fail my exams. =P

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

July Haul Post~

First ever haul post, so bear with me. XD

I more or less vowed never to get ballerinas, but the trend thing got hold of me again. I got this pair at Vincci in Mid Valley Megamall for RM36.

My mum commented that my original pair of slippers looked ghastly when she saw that I wore them to college, so she made me buy a more decent pair, so here they are, also from Vincci for RM29.

I'm a fan of sudoku, those that are easier to solve anyways. XD From MPH Bookstores for RM9.90. Word searches are a great way to kill time~ From MPH Bookstores for RM9.90. And another word search book, but this is the Big Bumper one. XD From MPH for RM16.90.

My first pushup bra - Pierre Cardin for RM16.90 from Jusco. It comes in a set with panties.

Needless to say, my new contact lenses - Blincon Jazzy Ocean Blue for RM80.

TheBodyShop Oil-Free Balancing Foundation SPF15 in Shade 05 (30ml), my first bottle of liquid foundation - RM65.

My moisturizer was running out, so I thought I'd stock up on TheBodyShop's Vitamin E Moisture Cream (50ml) for RM54, but I'll most likely get Kiehl's Ultra Facial Cream the next time if the price is reasonable.

I'm not a badge person, mainly because I don't know where to put the badges, but I got these at a sale on campus by I Heart Badges, the square and rectangle badges at 3 for RM10, the round ones 4 for RM10.

Finally! The Diary of Anne Frank! I've read the simplified version of this, and I'm craving the full version. I was actually looking for Yakuza Moon (which unfortunately is out of stock in Malaysia so I'll have to get it from, but this was the only book that I wanted which was available. Mein Kampf was tempting due to American History X, but I guess I'm not really that interested in Hitler's story.