I know

... that I'm a hurtful bitch when it comes to relationships. Mostly, I focus on myself, how I feel and what I wanna do. I do pay attention to the other side's needs and wants, but my priority is myself. But there are those times, especially at the first few weeks or months of the relationship that I find myself doing every goddamn thing to please him and cheer him up.

Due to this sudden bombardment of , I just suddenly get tired and bored with it. I'm sick of having to act all loving and caring when I'm just not. That's when I start getting that scary feeling - the feeling of wanting something new, something fresh.

Let's face it, there would always be someone who is better in one or many ways than a person. Every human is less than perfect, which is why every individual is unique. It's something like your favorite food - you might like the taste, but you hate the texture, or vice versa. I like that he's so easy going and loving, but it really bugs me when he's constantly easy going and doesn't get mad at anything. I know, right?

Now here comes the relation to the baby and the new toy. This baby craves, let's say, a cute frog plushie. After a while of whining and bugging, he finally gets it! For the first few days, he and the frog are inseparable. About a week later, he starts getting bored with it and his attention moves to other more interesting, colorful toys. He soon starts neglecting the frog and craving the other new toys that are not in his possession.

My case is something like that, the difference being I have more of a tendency to panic and over-react, thus causing regretted decisions sometimes. Now that I've had him for 2 months, I'm suddenly thrown into confusion. I'm not exactly having a crush on another guy, but some other guys make me smile and laugh better than he does.

Which is exactly why I'm in confusion now.

And once I'm in confusion, I just don't care. I couldn't care less if my computer just explodes now and kills me in the process (which would be something I would prefer rather than have to live a fake life).

Previously in an argument, he actually said that he needed the 'old me'. If he needed the old me, then what do I need? I can't very well stay the same way forever. It's change that makes the world interesting, it's what makes life livable. On the other hand, he's the kind that seldom changes. His life, his personality has been the same for pretty long.

Or maybe it's me who's having overly high hopes. I hope it is.