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Friday, October 24, 2014

Behind curtains that you never ponder

There are those times in life when you hear about the things you never knew about yourself from others, and often times, the things that I hear are not good ones.

Granted, I've never been a perfect daughter, and I don't think I ever will - active passive-aggressive rebellion is ever present among the many times that I give in to a very suggestive guilt-trip session.

For some peculiar reason, I'm the only one who's cited as the bad example. The reasons are apparent: I'm tattooed (and I plan to get more), I have several unconventional piercings, I swear, I like going out for catch-up/coffee sessions especially at night, I used to openly smoke, I have a not-so-clean relationship history, and I also have a history of self-hate and self-harm.

Other reasons include general ignorance around the house (my bed is a mess, and I seldom help with the housework), my tendency to pick bones with relatives, and my refusal to be the obedient daughter I'm supposed to be.

Like how I confront my sister for giving herself excuses from doing well at school, I'm called out by others for my actions. It's not like I'm failing at school, nor am I on drugs or selling sex - I just don't act like a typical girl who's supposed to be ladylike.

On one hand I try my best to be a martyr, to be the daughter who is boasted about to friends and family; but on the other, I've no more fucks to give, because it's apparent that I won't ever have that special pedestal to be placed upon.

Regardless of how much I try, I'll be the example that everyone uses to tell their daughters not to be - "don't ever turn out to be like her".

I agree - don't ever be as cowardly as I am, to be so afraid to speak up even when you know you're right. Don't be as conforming as I am when you don't feel like it, then cry yourself to sleep because you know you don't have that privilege. Don't keep every emotion to yourself and let the words of others get to you, then allow those negative feelings to eventually consume and distort you in a way that it should never be. Don't ever stop yourself from saying what you feel, at the expense of the principles of others.

I'm not the prettiest flower in the garden, I know that, nor am I the easiest to tend to, but really?

I'm not the only one with ink in the family, neither am I the only who smokes. I prefer to be cooped up in solitude because my communication channels are not in tune with everyone else's, and I prefer to keep my feelings as complete and unhurt as I possibly could, thank you very much.

Others call me ungrateful for saying all this, and perhaps from your perspective, I am the ungrateful child who shouldn't have been born. But here I am, alive and kicking, and I'll continue kicking that door until I get what I want.

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