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Saturday, September 20, 2014

It's more than just cuddles and kisses

Back in 2008, practically the only channel I was on happened to be, which is the Malaysian equivalent of MTV, and at that time it featured different genres of music during different times, and had an SMS chat service which I spent a lot of money on (50sen per text).

Occasionally, there would be these few tracks which weren't as popular as the others, and these were the ones I usually clung to (that thing about trying not to be a cardboard cutout and all that shit). And among these was Daniel Bedingfield's If You're Not the One.

I seemed to be the only one who knew about the existence of this song, and among all the J-rock that filled my MP4 player, I turned to this particular track. The lyrics were meaningful, and the song itself was relaxing, especially after so much rock and metal music.

That period of time was short-lived, as other tracks and genres replaced it - Shayne Ward, more J-rock and metal, K-pop, C-pop, American pop.

Fast forward to just a few months ago, I realized my boyfriend loved this song too, and it kinda became "our song".

None of my previous relationships had dedicated songs, like one in particular that brought us even closer together. I shared the same Japanese music taste with one, and the other one opened my eyes to the world of techno and hardstyle.

This one... was like a spark.

Like it was destined that we would meet, and share something so strong.

There was also a sign that was given to me a few years ago, in the form of a really strange dream. All my dreams are never normal (which kind of reflects my logic in general), but this one really scared me but made me happy at the same time.

I had this dream of being in the bathroom in his house, and I remembered feeling a really close connection between me and the other male figure in the dream (I seldom see faces of strangers in dreams). And when it happened in real life, it freaked the fuck out of me. Every reaction I had, every decision I made to try to break the deja vu chain ended up making the whole part of the dream reenacted, from me shifting my focus from the floor to the door, up to his reaction to my reactions.

Things weren't great at first. I wouldn't delve deep into the details, but things slowly got better. Our arguments were sparse, but intensely fierce when they happened. Confrontations, drama because of third-party opinions... It's safe to say we've been through a lot (for a couple our age).

However, he's been the most amazing gift that was bestowed upon me.


(Perhaps excluding my car, but that was thanks to dad).

Of all the other girls that fit his prior expectations of the perfect girlfriend, he chose me - almost the complete opposite, to be honest... Flabby curves, the vocabulary of a sailor, and a liking for cigarettes and alcohol, and almost absolutely no regard for many things. I wasn't the demure, quiet girl who never talked back (neither am I now, actually), and I end up doing a lot of stupid things due to the lack of logical thinking and general klutziness.

But somehow, through all the obstacles we've been through, we end up appreciating each other more.

He is the first one to ask me to be his girlfriend without the aid of a messaging app.

He is the first one who brought be out for a trip that wasn't to just a mall.

He is the first to bring me home without having to have me sneak in and out of the house and hide from his family.

He is the first to snap and flip the shit out the moment I started to berate my body image.

He is the first to call me his precious gem, and the first to make me face my fears.

He is the first to give me a complete, 100% sense of security.

He is the first one to buy me a bouquet of flowers complete with white roses and a filling of mimosa.

He is the one who never let's me call myself fat if I don't want to exercise and do something about my weight.

He is the one who spends more than he has just to give me irreplaceable memories and experiences.

And the only one who pays more attention to me than I do to myself.

Most of the time, it was the difference in expectations that fucked up my other relationships. I was willing to give 100% of my attention, and I expected the same. Unfortunately, not all people are as clingy as me.

In other words, he's the guy I've always fantasized about - sweet, sensitive, manly, and loves me pretty much more than anything. Oh, yeah, and the only one who would slime me back when I slime him (a.k.a lick him from jaw to forehead). As well as the only one who would actively make me face my inner demons, and finally help me come to terms with my warped body image.

Just the other day, we were just sitting around spending time together, when he started to play some songs on Youtube and we ended up singing along with them.

Then it hit me like a truck - at the start of the relationship, I was less than a girlfriend, because I was still poring over some douches who let me down. I even went as far as to tell him that I was just "trying him out". And crying over ex-flings with the only guy who confessed to you face-to-face isn't being too much of a sensitive girlfriend - it's being a bitch.

And the arguments were the turning points for me - did I want to win the argument, or did I want to keep the man of my dreams? I find that I fail as a girlfriend for not completely understanding my own future husband, but it's better for the relationship that I finally know his standpoint on different topics.

And what hit me like a truck was that even when I've done so many shitty things to him, he still wants me. And while talk about marriage is commonplace, he's the only one who still talks with me about our future together in detail (the last and only other one merely said that I'd be his wife and last girlfriend, and we know how that went).

And there, everyone, is when I started crying like a bitch. Never in my life that I thought that any of my dreams would come true, in the form of the near-perfect boyfriend/future husband, who cherishes me more than I deserve to be. The only guy who strives for me to become a better version of myself, and strives to give me everything he can.

It might be nothing to some, and even normal for others, but given all my relationship failures, I'd already given up hope on relationships as a whole, which is why it's all the more precious.

Fights, arguments, clashes in opinion will happen - very seldom do two people have the exact same personalities and opinions, but I know where my priorities are now. I can lose the argument, and possibly feel a little bit frustrated after that, but a short moment of frustration before a moment of reconciliation is peanuts compared to losing him completely.

My mum gave me this golden nugget of advice when I broke up in 2011, and told me the story of how she and my dad actually got married. In essence, what she told me was que sera, sera, and if it's destined that they are for you, they will come back to you even if they leave.

I think even if destiny hadn't written for him to be a part of my life, he forced his place there by doing so many things for me. From being there for me since the day I met him, to the one who would just spend time with me forehead to forehead, hands intertwined, soaking up the fact that I'm the luckiest girl on earth to have someone so unique, and so beautiful.

There's still a lot we have to work through, such as my insistence to still correct his English sometimes, and his insistence that I let him buy me gifts.

But other than that, I dream to see him chasing kids around, and somehow I can see him with a sleeping baby on his lap while playing DotA 2. Then having dinner together, falling asleep together, waking up beside each other...

Most of my family keeps telling me I could do better... The thing is, he's already everything I could ever ask for in a partner, so there is no "better". And rest assured that he'll be a really big part of me for a really, really long time.

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