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Tuesday, September 4, 2012

What's really been happening for the past 3 months

I've come to realize that my blog has become somewhat commercialized when compared with my older posts. I guess it's because the posts relating to other stuff than my daily life attracted more readers, and it was really satisfying.


However, for this post, I have to utilize my blog for it's initial purpose, that is to let out my thoughts somewhere.


About 3 months ago, my relationship fell apart, due to various reasons. We lasted for more than a year, and I think it would be safe to say that this was the only relationship that actually meant a lot to me.


After crushing on him for more than 5 years, my fantasies of being with him finally came true - we held hands, hugged in the rain, kissed, did silly things together. Things got complicated and difficult when he started his internship, and we weren't able to see each other for months at a time.


Being the weak and affection-needing me, I did what I can to get it, but at the end failed miserably, and even made matters worse. To add fuel to the flame, seeing couples all over the place and seeing my friends being so cuddly with their partners fueled my jealousy.


Three months ago, I made the mistake of letting go, thinking that he would ask me to stay. In a way, he did, just not the way I wanted it to be.


For the past three months, I've been crying my eyes out, wondering why I was so foolish, why did I do what I did? During the day, I'd be like the living dead - walking, talking, going to college, but in my mind a storm was brewing. I'd ask myself questions, make up scenarios, etc.


At night, I'd aimlessly browse the internet. I'd be physically there for everything, but mentally I was in my world of turmoil. Who would have thought I would fall so deeply in love with him?


In the past three months, I still talked to him. Sometimes I'd be hyper and cheerful, other times I would be so bothered about what's in my mind that out of the blue I'd lash out. Imagine the waves at a shore - sometimes when a wave comes in, it comes pretty far, but then the next few waves would be further back. That's how we've been for the past three months.


I also talked to a lot of people - friends, and his mum. Somehow I'd avoid this topic with family (although I know some of my family actually takes the time to go through my blog) because they've always had a grim view of this relationship, and I'd doubt that they would share my feelings about it ending.


I did share with my sister, though, and she advice, like most of my friends' advice was 'just let go'. They said it wasn't like he was the best guy in the world, and there are other guys available anyway, so why torture myself?


Some others were sympathetic, despite the fact that I actually did bring this upon myself. They just told me to be strong. Cry, by all means, but the next morning I had to be strong to face the world. They told me to occupy my mind with other things, like my blog, make-up (which was why I made two videos), and just don't think too much.


I've been having an internal battle with myself as well - I previously had asked him, what was it that made him decide that I wasn't worth pursuing, and what did I have to change in order for him to change his mind? The list was contradictory to my nature and how I was brought up.


I had mentally told myself to just let him go and move on, but every time I did, I'd burst into hysterical tears. I couldn't bear thinking about life without him. The past year was so perfect.


Every time I told him I'm crying, he would tell me to be strong, don't cry. He wanted his girl to be strong. He wanted his girl to be able to go on with life even when he wasn't always around. He didn't want someone to be obsessing over every aspect over him, confronting him for every moment that he wasn't talking to me.


Girl bands, exes - they were the main source of my jealousy. It made me feel that his heart wasn't with me anymore. His heart had always been with me, just that when I was making life difficult, the girl bands' music were the ones that kept him sane.


I only recently realized, there were little gestures that showed that he still had feelings for me. Defending me, calling me his precious when I told him one of my friends lost their cool and called me an idiot for torturing myself. Reaching his hand to me at the end of Miyavi's night.


Despite everything, he's not saying it's completely over, but then again he's not saying that it's guaranteed that we'll be back together. I guess I should be grateful already that we're still talking, and he's not avoiding me.


I've put some of the presents he gave me back into a box, and I smiled when I read the card that he wrote for my birthday and Valentine's in 2012. They were something like proof that at one point I was his world, like he has been mine the moment we first kissed.


Putting him off my chat list seems like a good idea. At least I won't be constantly monitoring it to see whether he's online, and battling with myself whether to talk to him. Removing him from my 'close friends' list also made things easier.


Well, like lots of people have said, life has to go on~ Expect the best, but prepare for the worse~ Stay positive and strong, everyone!

2 comments:

  1. been there done that, cried my ass off, but well shit happens. :D

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  2. I used to have this problem too kellie, but time flies. move on because ur life is much more beautiful ahead! stay strong! :)

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