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Friday, September 28, 2012

Kept thoughts...

I saw it coming, but I was just reluctant to let go of something that gave me so many beautiful memories. I guess I was prepped - after three months of dragging, I should've had moved on sooner.

But I didn't. Why? Well, perhaps I really thought that we still had a chance together, or at least I tricked myself into thinking that. If he really did love me enough to want me back, why would he have to take so long?

I'm not upset because he's no longer a part of my life (heck, he said 'friends' but is now MIA), but rather upset about the fact that he didn't have the balls to just tell me he no longer wanted a relationship with me. We were both selfish, but he more so, in my opinion. He would have rather let me continue hurting in the long term, than just dropping the bomb on me and allowing me to move on sooner.

I'll be honest, I do miss those sweet days, where we held hands, hugged each other, and kissed. But then again, my sister was right - our personalities (attention-needing) does not match with people who think that their partner asks for too much when all they wanted was attention.

Perhaps it's just a different mentality altogether - men and women's logic differ from each other. Although on certain matters my mentality is more masculine-oriented, in general I'm still the emotion-oriented girl.

If I see you again... I dunno. I might call you a wuss to your face, I might act cold, or I might just act like your friend. But to be honest, I really hope than one day loneliness will haunt you, and you would regret the very decision of letting me go.

I didn't ask for riches, nor did I ask for frequent dates. All I needed is your attention, to be able to meet up with you often. We didn't even have to go for a formal date - if other even more busy and stressed people could take the time to have a quick lunch with their partners, why can't you?

It's all a matter of time and duty management. Yes, accompanying your father is part of your filial duty. However, I did not ask you to leave him, nor did I try to claim you as my own. Or maybe it's just like you said yourself, you're just too damn lazy go get off your skinny ass to spend some time with "the girl that you love".

I'm starting to doubt that what we had was love at all. Sure, I might have loved you, planned my entire life around you, unconsciously oriented myself around you. Your mind was different - all you thought of was you, your retirement, and your family. I'm not saying that's bad, but you didn't really pay me much mind.

Comparisons to other people are completely logical, because the people I compare you to are busier than you, have more responsibilities than you, have more stress to deal with than you. And yet they can find the time to spend with their girlfriends. It wasn't a matter of could or couldn't, it was a matter of whether you wanted to or not.

Quote Kelly Clarkson, "I would never wish bad things, but I don't wish you well". This might be temporary, might be permanent. Two wrongs don't make a right - me hurting you in the past does not justify the hurt you did me.

It's easy for you to say, "I didn't want to hurt you". There were so many things you told me that weren't what they really were, I really didn't know what to believe anymore, even the many times you said you loved me. In the past I might have believed you, because it was what I wanted to believe. Now? I shall remain convinced that you framed me all along.

Let me tell you which part of the relationship hurt the most. You remember that time we were arguing again, and I kept saying that I wanted to see you? You compared me to Sook Kuan. You compared me to a completely different girl. You said she waited for you everyday after work just to see you, and that's because she worked with you.

You also told me, "why can't you be like her?" Sook Kuan's a sweet girl, with patience, and she's more down to earth. But you are the guy, by right you should come looking for me. I also offered to go to your condo, but you had multiple excuses.

If you really had loved me, you wouldn't have just moved on to the next stage, leaving me behind to grope around. If you really had loved me, my flaws would be my defining characteristics to you. How many tears I've cried for you, how many nights of sleep I've missed, because of all the thoughts that ran through my head.

Sometimes when someone has this habit, it's not that they don't want to change it, sometimes it's that they can't. I think I can safely say that I hate you for now. You gave me so much hope, built a ladder so high for me to climb, then just toppled it over. Falling from cloud nine, crashing from the high.

I see you for who you are now - someone who isn't worth the time and effort. My sister was right, and I should've listened to her. My sister and I are different, yet we are the same as well. 19 years of sisterhood outmatches a 6-year crush anytime.

The regrets I have in life are that I fell in love with you, and I was stupid enough to hurt myself because of you, and let myself be hurt.