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Tuesday, May 22, 2012

A much-needed rant

Lots of people has told me that life has it's ups and downs - at one point everything seems perfect, and at another, everything seems to crumble into oblivion. When people tell me that, I automatically imagine a curved line, like one you'd see on a graph with graduating curves with no points.


Now I'm replotting my life graph - I find that it has sharp points. The positive points are few, but the negative points are abundant, and they are stretched out, and slowly sloping downwards. Every now and then there would be a slight lift, but then it would drop lower.


After lots of hammering of pictures of brains and the difference between the left and right brain, I've concluded that I'm left-brained - logical, mathematical, and works better with words and number and whatnot. Which explains my lack of people skills.


I don't know when I started to, but I know I've been working a really long time trying to please everyone. My weakness is loneliness, the next is jealousy. All my life I've been acting like a stuck-up bitch, looking down my nose at people, when really I just don't know how to communicate with people. I remember during kindergarten, I had but one best friend in my class (a boy), and everyone else pretty much disliked me, to what I can remember.


Strangers think of me as stuck-up, arrogant, and generally grumpy. I find myself extremely silent these days - my brain doesn't work as it does, so I can't think of anything to add in a conversation. May be because of my current weird sleeping pattern, or because I haven't seen a certain someone for a really long time. And as it is a lot of things I say are rather offensive.


Now is one of those seemingly infinite down times in my life. My best friend is seemingly upset with me, though I'm well aware of the reason. She's one of the most important people in my life, because I won't ever meet another friend that's better than her. Her being upset with me is like plunging me into darkness.


I haven't seen my other half for near 3 months already. I'm depressed and lonely. Like those forever alone guys, I have to watch all the couples snuggle and hold hands and bump noses. Even liking each others' stuff on Facebook connects the wire that lights up the "jealousy" bulb. We used to do all that - cuddling, kissing, or just being in the presence of the other.


Now everything just makes me want to burst out in tears. Don't misunderstand, I'm not hating on other couples - I wish them the best, and I really hope they stay together until the end of their days. Just that every time I see a cuddly couple, it's like life is mocking me.

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