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Thursday, September 1, 2011


I've just watched to rather stupid movies today - 'Spy Next Door' and 'Knight and Day'. I find that the involvement of exaggeratedly dimwitted Russian spies and Cameron Diaz in movies is ludicrous. I've nothing against Cameron, but somehow her "comedic scenes" are a little too "blonde-bimbo"-ish for me. I demand that James Cameron make another movie soon. =P

You know how you see all those slimming products out there, those with "sugar-free", and all these kinds of labels all over them. How they promise that results will show after a mere 2 weeks or a month. Advertisers, DO YOU KNOW HOW !@#$%^&-ING TEMPTING THESE ARE TO PEOPLE WHO ARE DESPERATELY SELF-CONSCIOUS?!

I'm desperately trying to tone my own body, without much success thanks to my pathetic succumbing to commercially promoted fattening food (and my Plain Jane DNA which makes me gain weight like a polar bear), and here all these seemingly "tried and tested" products are, just floating around, right there, but I can't have them.

I guess it's how you're born - I've tons of friends who can eat as much as my boyfriend does (and mind you, he eats A LOT), and yet they're thinner than me. I ask them their secret, they say they're couch potatoes who don't do anything at all.

Some, like my classmate Karen, have such bodies because they're athletes. They practically live off sports. You could actually call Karen the epitome of female perfection - beautiful body, smart, culinarily able, sociable, and really sports-dedicated.

Unfortunately I'm opposite of both - I like sports, but I can't find the determination (or the chance, for that matter) to do sports every day; I sit around all day and soon I'll look like Jack Black, sans the facial hair and the OMG face. Enter another trait of mine - I like eating. Belay that. I like to BINGE. Unlike my sister, my taste and smell has been numbed by chilies and curries and whatnot, so I can only differentiate TASTY and UGH!

And whenever I get the chance, I like large portions of food. Whatever it is that I like, I would usually go for seconds, even thirds. Every time I do, a little voice nags, nay, SHOUTS at me to stop, to exercise portion control. However, the food voice is more dominant and urges me forward to continue the binge.

And right now? I'm practically not eating. I get up in the morning, loll around until I get hungry, then make a ginormous portion of (insert food name here) and wolf it down. This is the exact opposite of what I should be doing, except for the timing part. What I should do: when I'm hungry, eat some thing in a small portion, then wait a while to see whether I'm still hungry, then work from there.

I've been brought up in a semi-traditional Chinese family with a grandma living in. So every night she'd boil soup, and every special occasion or whenever she comes across something nice and fresh at the morning market, she'd cook up a storm and lay the entire Lazy Susan with food, something my mum has been complaining about recently.

Since young I've been urged by various relatives and family friends to "eat more, eat more"! It's actually typical for Chinese people to encourage others to eat more. As a child I did exactly that - eat more and more and more till I was so bloody full my stomach hurt.

Whenever I'm faced with food, control is lost, and the appetite takes over, which is why I feel extremely awkward whenever I need to eat slowly and daintily. For example, the time I was in 1885 (a fine-dining restaurant at the Eastern and Oriental Hotel in Penang), I had the awkward moments of slowly processing my food so they were in the "correct" bite-sizes, as compared to my usual bite-size.

I'm also starting to slack off on the exercise department - I do continue my weekly exercises, but the in-betweens are getting scarce, except for my incessant and dangerous on-the-spot jogging during my evening/night baths. My butt-and-thigh firming exercises have more or less melted into nothingness.

I'm not going to point the finger at anything - this is all my own fault that I'm slowly regaining my weight, but one of the reasons, I think, is because my motivation is slowly fading for now. He's busy with work and he's tired because of that, which isn't anyone's fault, but sometimes I have to try really hard to suppress the thought that he might have found a better person there, or maybe he doesn't really care anymore.

Just earlier this evening, I started out conversation via SMS by teasingly accuse him of ignoring me. Immediately he took it seriously and starting firing off saying that he hasn't had a good day with lots of work suddenly piled on him with a very tight deadline.

I'm a girl, and I'm emotionally driven. I hate it when I'm cold and you're not there to give me warmth. I hate it when there are tanned girls with hot-bods in bikinis over there when I don't even dare wear shorts to go out. I hate it when I drop a hint the size of a whale and he still doesn't get it. I hate feeling like an idiot pretending that my bolster is him.

I guess it's also partially my fault that I expect him to read my mind. That's why I drop hints. However, a guy being a guy, he usually doesn't get it, so I'll have to tell him what I want exactly, and that kills the whole romantic aura.

Sometimes I just feel lonely, and I tell him that without much thought, but then he retaliates saying he's always here, as though it's wrong for me to be feeling that way. The thing is, though our hearts are still loyal to each other, the fact is that he's not physically here. Whenever I feel cuddly, all I can do is cuddle my bolster, and I don't get cuddled back by a bag stuffed with cotton or whatever.

Just in order to avoid fights and let him have some peaceful sleep, I just keep a lot of these feelings to myself, putting on a mask. In the end, I curl up in bed and cry. The way he says "I can't sleep when you're upset" is as though his sleep is more important than the issue at hand, and that I have no right to be upset when he's so devoting to me.

I'm not saying that he isn't devoting and loving - he's the best thing that's ever happened to me - but sometimes I just want to feel adored and pampered and loved more than usual. And when I don't get what I want I get upset, and then he throws these at me.

These days I wake up with swollen eyes because of crying. Just because I miss him and he still hasn't confirmed his holiday yet. Our last fight was around three weeks ago, which is something like an accomplishment since he's went for his internship.

About our fights - I hate it when he says "call/text me when you're feeling better". WHY THE HELL DO YOU THINK I'M FIGHTING?! I want him to get what I'm trying to say, but he doesn't get it and alters the meaning of my words. Then suddenly he just says call or text him when I'm feeling better when I actually want to fight it out. Our fights usually stem from things I keep suppressing, until it accumulates until I can't contain it any longer.

Should head to sleep now. Strong, cold wind is blowing and I heard footsteps in a room that has no people inside it.

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