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Monday, May 30, 2011

I go against my vows again

In every relationship I promise myself I would be immensely faithful, the most understandting and be the best girlfriend any guy would wish for, but I wouldn't be the type of girl to think about him 24/7, sit at my phone all day just waiting for his text then flip when he only sends me 'Darling ~ <3'.

I find it hard to wait for an entire week before getting to spend only less than half a day with him, and he's usually on my laptop watching concert videos. Even though we do share common interests and are basically the same type of people, I'm just not the concert videos kinda girl. Sure I'd love to catch a live GazettE concert at some point of my life, but watching concert videos to spend quality time with the boyfie? I don't think so.

It's also hard for me to accept that guys are naturally uninstinctive creatures, unless it comes to sex. So most stuff has to be explained and reported in detail, and you can never expect them to know whatever is going on with you without telling him. Everytime I start a tantrum, he keeps asking me over and over again what happened and keeps apologizing, which makes me even madder.

Another 6 days to our 5th month anniversary. I think the thing that really made me flip was when I was suddenly uninvited to his group's gathering at Old Town, supposedly "restricted to 5 Fadilians only". I actually really wanted to say 'I was also from 5F, though not the exact same 5F that you're referring to'. To keep the peace, I rejected his insistence to bring me anyway, and I spent the next half hour emo-ing on my bed, crying into my pillow.

Everytime I think 'I can finally see him more than once a week for once', and then that opportunity is usually shattered, regardless of the 5W1H. Then I spend the next few days moping around, and then I find myself waiting solely for every Friday, neglecting everything else.

I need to stop planning and expecting things to happen, 'cause they always seem to lead to disappointment. My mum's going outstation for a weekend soon, and I was initially planning to ask him to sleepover ... I think I can get that thought out of my head. I don't want to be let down again, regardless of the reason.

I hate it when I really feel like crying, but no matter how I try the tears just won't fall. It's like God is telling me that I need more hurt before I have the right to cry. I lost the scarf, I need a job, my phone's nuts, I keep getting headaches and stomachaches on a daily basis, two of my 'gang'-mates deleted me on Facebook ('cause I offended them in some way), and I don't qualify for a good long cry?

Maybe it's because I love him too much that I go crazy at the smallest things. I'd throw tantrums just so that I get reassurance from him that he loves me, when I know very well that he does. Sometimes I feel that I'm never good enough - I'm never thin enough, I'm never tolerant enough, I'm never pretty enough, I'm never understanding enough.

He hates it that I always say I hate myself, but to be honest, I've always been that way, and I'll probably never change.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011


I forgot to update regarding yesterday's look for the weekly Dress up day.

Makeup: Autumn-themed reddish bronze eyeshadow with ultra-thin liquid winged liner.

Outfit: dark green turtleneck long-sleeved top and jeans, matched with chrome chain-linked belt and blue wedges.

I wanted to wear my boots, but I couldn't find them =P

Monday, May 23, 2011

Back at uni

It's 23rd of May and I'm back in uni after a rather crappy semester break. The PAWS post is unupdatable as of now, but all I can say now is that I brought some dogs for walks (runs, actually), bathed some and took a group pic with a bunch of super cute puppies~

Clubs and societies have me confused now. Clubs I'd like to join: tennis, dance, swimming, anime. Problem is, I dunno about meeting times and dates, and the 'I'm-tired-of-meeting-new-people' thing kicks in all the time.

Thursday, May 19, 2011


I was at PAWS (Paws Animal Welfare Centre) to complete my Moral Education assignment today. I walked some dogs and bathed some as well. I could say that my daily exercise quota is met. But really, sitting there surrounded by so many dogs, I wished Dukie still belonged to me. ><

Lucky thing the computer labs at TULC has air fresheners, 'cause I smell like dogs. XD

Further updates later 'cause I'm stuck for time. =P

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Super official DIET PLAN

I aim to be under 50kg by the end of May and keep it that way for the rest of my life. =P

In general:
  • More veggies & fruits
  • Less fried stuff & junk food
  • Tons of liquid
  • More exercise
  • Decrease sugar, cream and calorie intake to a minimum
  • Less cold drinks before, during and after meals
For breakfast:
  1. 250ml milk (non-full cream) [calcium]
  2. 250ml plain water
  3. 250ml coffee/tea/Milo (maximum 3tsp sugar) [caffeine =P]
  4. 1 fruit (preferably oranges or apples) [Vitamin C]
  5. Some oat biscuits or similar [fibre]
For lunch, basically anything that provides enough carbohydrates to last for the rest of the day and preferably packed with fibre and vitamins. I'd actually go for Subway sandwiches, but they're kinda costly on the long run. Drinks: no more fizzy drinks, preferably either drink my own water or get something like a juice or soy milk, but usually these are also packed with added sugars (not that I'm discriminating or anything, but I try to reduce >_<).

For dinner, just practice portion control and take note of what I'm eating - more fibre, more vitamins, less carbohydrates, less fat, less oil. And just before dinner maybe take a light meal so that I won't overdose on dinner later.

As for the exercise plan, I try to complete all of these:
  1. Use the stairs for destinations under 10 floors/storeys.
  2. Running: at least 10 minutes, though usually I can't go any longer than 5. =P
  3. Crunches: at least 500 per night.
  4. Tennis swings? 100 forehand, 100 backhand, so 200 in total, everyday.
For the exercise, if I missed a day's I'd reimburse on the next day, even if it means depriving me of my precious sleep.

And speaking of sleeping, I NEED 8 HOURS!!! I'm still not getting enough sleep and I'm usually sleepy at 9pm already, which is my new record. =P

In conclusion, more of the usual nutrition stuff and less of the junk stuff, and also eat within limits. Whatever I can't eat anymore I'll just give it to him. XD

Wednesday, May 11, 2011


Not reflection of light, but reflection of my life, my actions, etc.

Having been born for almost 18 years already, I'd say life has been pretty colorful, at least colorful enough. =P I can't remember anything from my toddler-hood, but the most distinct things I remember from my childhood are the frequent evening swims at Bayshore Park in Singapore (then after the swim we took a bath, then I had a Paddlepop XD) and some painful memories in Assunta Hospital (which still kinda haunts me till today).

My schooling days were a mix of oranges and lemons. I was stuck up and was a total pain-in-the-ass smart-aleck, so I wasn't really popular in kindergarten and the early years of primary school. I was plagued by constant nosebleeds and nightly "accidents". The nosebleeds stopped soon enough, but the "accidents" (which were pretty frequent, by the way) stopped around the time I finished primary school, which was when I was 12.

To make things worse, I started developing the habit of not finishing my homework and slacking off since I was 9. My parents were almost always called to school, and teachers had really bad opinions about me, but when I was 11 things got better, though not as good as during the earlier years of schooling. I started online gaming (GunBound was my first, and that's where I met Edgar XD) and started an interest in music and lyrics.

Graduation from primary school was pretty much a large step for me, considering I was gonna be separated by all the friends (though not many) that I had known throughout the years of primary school. The first day of secondary school was awkward, since the class distribution system sucks, another old classmate and I were transferred to another class.

The years passed, I slept in class a lot, learned to play truant, knew many people, had a few crushes that ended in nothing (but one blossomed beautifully) and a couple of relationships came by. The first was a foolish acceptance of false affection by a person who only wanted to have a girlfriend, the second one was completely awkward and got annoying, the third gave me first-hand insight to the word 'male egoism'. The fourth and current one is probably the last one I hope I'll have, and I do hope it goes for life. <3

Life has shown me the difference between 'friends' and 'companions'. Friends are the ones who would stick to you no matter what situation you're in, and will be happy for you in your achievements and remember you where there's secret loots. XD Companions are those that you are almost always together with, you participate in activities with them, but they don't always remember you and put you down regardless of what you say.

I'm kinda disappointed to say that most of the people I know fall into the 'companion' category. The only few that I've confirmed as friends are the few people I met during my 2-month waitress job at Taiwan DAMI: Tinh, Hoan, Sao, Vinh, DBS and Ramesh (aka Raymond XD). As for my new university group ... they still have a probation period. =)

Family obligations? I shall say that I'm still neutral. I'm neither unquestionably dutiful nor do I shun my duties completely. Sometimes I hate my family, sometimes I'm secretly grateful that I have a complete family at all.

School work again. I pass up my assignments on time, though I think the TV proposal assignment would be more tricky since we're supposed to pass it up TOMORROW, and we don't actually have a complete draft of the story yet.

I'm extremely lacking sleep - minimum of 4 hours a day, but not exceeding 5 hours usually. It sucks. Sometimes this tiresome process gets to me and I flip at almost everything everyone says. Any topic that would usually be a topic that I would joke and laugh about, I'll just start criticizing every visible point that anyone throws at me. Whether I show it or not is another thing. Usually the best solution would be to end the conversation then and there, then go to sleep. And the next morning I'll be apologizing profusely (usually to smexy) for flipping for no effing reason.

Fashion-wise, I'm conscious of the trends and such, but I'm just lazy to and can't afford the many things that I want. Usually I'll contemplate a really long time, then go on the hunt, which usually takes kinda long time. But sometimes I rush and make a mistake-purchase - I don't like the cut, the color, I can't match it with anything, the size is too big/small, etc. However, I am learning to slowly hunt for my items, resorting to online purchases only when there are no other options, which rarely happens.

As for body modification ... I've got all 9 that I wanted, some in unexpected places and conditions. XD I still plan on at least a belly ring if I don't get the lip or brow piercing. Ink? I've got one, a heart tribal (I still don't have the picture yet, so please bear with me) on the small of my back. In another approximate month, I'll see whether it need touchups, and if it does I'll go back to the studio and maybe get another one as well, since my mum already knows that I have ink. XD

Overall, I'm a lucky girl but I still complain about my life, which in turn, will take me down to hell, especially at the rate that I make fun of and insult people, whether verbally or physically.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


This is my favorite word for the past two weeks. And yesterday was really kanasai. *Note: the word "kanasai" is a word from a Chinese dialect (dunno Hokkien or Hakka) which means "not nice", but the current generation uses it as a more toned-down version of "fuck" and/or a more stylist approach to "shit".*

Anyway yesterday was kanasai (short from KNS) 'cause half way through my originally uber-long post i-Xcess disconnected on me and there went 70% of my post. So now I'm going to rewrite, though I think I'm gonna leave out a few of my previous points 'cause I just can't remember what I wrote yesterday. ==!

I received an text message yesterday regarding our Moral Ed assignment - it was basically just a last-minute notice that our activity will be at PAWS on the 19th and I was supposed to be on campus at 11am. A couple of friends had debated on changing groups because our original group seemed very indecisive. Unfortunately I was late in deciding to change groups, 'cause by the time I told him we were already down to exactly 8 people, which is the minimum number of people for a group.

Not that I don't like the other members, but they give me the 'I'm stuck up' feeling, just a bit. Just the indecisiveness put me off. Our original plan was to go to Nicole's mum's restaurant, work for a few hours, then use the revenue earned to donate to a charity organization, but the whole plan was called off abruptly because most of the group couldn't make it on that day. Then out of the blue around 12pm yesterday, I received that text message and was KNS-ing the whole day. =P

Anyways since my mum has found out anyway, I have an announcement: I HAVE A TATTOO. A real one, mind you, not airbrushed or the stick-on type. =P I got it for exactly 1 month and 1 day from Tribal Bodyworks tattoo studio in Sungai Wang Plaza (First floor) for (original price RM400) RM350. They told me the price and I was O.O!!!!! Anyway it took more than 2 hours to complete, 2 excruciatingly painful hours. =P

In approximately another month, I'll probably go to the studio and get some touch ups done if necessary. If there aren't, then maybe I'll get another one and then I'll have Yakuza style tattoos by the time I finish my degree programme. XDXDXD

Moving on, if you do visit my Facebook page, you'll find that I'm tagged in an entire album of black-and-white webcam photos by a Wisely Low (who also happens to be a person I usually refer to as smexy XD). We did that last Friday, after a DVD marathon of Swordfish and the GazettE's Nameless Liberty Six Bullets 2006 concert (disc 1 & 2 only). Just before that he made a very rough intro to Rainmeter. Seriously, he's not a good instructor/teacher. =P

I went for my first ever practical (on-the-road) driving lesson on Sunday. I think I made many people get heart-attacks, including the instructor. =X I almost hit 2 cars and a police truck on the highway. =P In conclusion, I still suck at finding a perfect turning angle and balancing the freakin' clutch and accelerator.

I'm seriously lacking calcium these days - my nails are chipping like mad. Maybe I should abolish nail polish entirely? Or should I just wear nail polish 24/7? =P Anyway I have a brand new diet plan:


  • Tea/coffee/chocolate (<3 teaspoons of sugar, omit creamer if possible)
  • Fruit (orange/apple)
  • Milk
  • Crackers/bread
  • Subway sandwiches
  • Bread with spreads (Milo and/or tuna and/or cheese)
  • Pasta (omit cheese, cream and/or excess oils where possible)
  • Just practice portion control and try to avoid excessively oily, fatty, creamy stuff. =P

  • Take the stairs whenever possible.
  • Have at least 10 minutes of running daily.
  • At least 100 forehand swings and 100 backhand swings with a tennis racquet daily.
  • At least 500 crunches before sleep (I just remembered that I forgot to do it last night @@)
Other stuff:
  • At least 1.75 litres of liquid everyday especially if I'm constantly in an air-conditioned environment.
  • Remember the regimen: [(2 x cleanser + toner + moisturizer + eye cream) x 2] + tea tree oil.
  • Stick to under RM10 at campus for general expenses.

The next post will definitely be a haul post for April. I'll try to put in a haul post every month. =X Pictures-wise, I'll also try to put in more pics. =P

KNS I can't find the tattoo pic. I'll put it in the haul post. =X

Wednesday, May 4, 2011


After that impossibly long post regarding weight management, food management and whatnot, I still went for Baskin Robbins just now. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?! Even if the flavor I chose was 50% less fat (the Light Vanilla thingy), I had 2 scoops for the price of one, so in general I ate a full fat scoop of ice cream, which I didn't need to spend on. Fuck. o0o

Well, about the Marina Mahathir talk, it was real. The talk was entitled 'Inspiring Young Writers in This Age of Democracy'. What she talked about were her past experiences as a journalist, and I found it rather inspiring. What she said was mainly to learn how to communicate effectively, and not be afraid of voicing your ideas, but do so respectfully.

She wasn't what I expected: I expected a traditional Malay (yes, I'm slightly racist and I stereotype people) woman with the difference of a skill of speaking her mind. On the contrary, she is my journalism idol. XD She communicates well, and she has a very wide spectrum of knowledge. She is ... too amazing to describe, but her talks are a little drab. =X

Not that I have much to say anyway, but sometimes it helps to let out some steam here since I can't do it anywhere else. Well ... I could let it out on him, but it'll just be bitchy and it'll cost him a great deal of suffering. =P

Oh yeah, and just before the talk I found out that afternoon class was cancelled, so I basically had more than 5 hours to kill, and the others have plans of their own. And I just only found out that Swing and some other girls are at the D block computer lab, and I'm way too lazy to go there. =P On the contrary I'll just make that short trip there. @@

Have made that 'short trip' from my original computer lab to D7.02, where the other girls are, but I'm sitting beside a guy who is clearly overweight and has a weird smell coming from him. =P

With more than 5 hours to kill I think I'll just sit here and blog and blog and blog. Firstly, about my picture-less posts recently. I know that a blog is extremely dull if the contents are not very interesting and yet is text-only with no pictures. Here's why: I almost always forget and I've lost my C6-00's USB cable. =P Yes, it's new and I managed to lose it. Someone should give me an award for klutziness. XD

And I'm posting less and less on makeup and such. The next food post will have to wait until I take a decent amount of food pics. Makeup-wise I seldom watch Michelle and MissChievous lately, as their content does not really grab my interest for now. =P The next post will most probably be a monthly haul post, no promises there though. First I need to find a suitable USB cable for my C6-00 and I'll need some time to blog about it. =P

It's been about 2 weeks since I got my Nokia C6-00, and it's ... difficult. I love the QWERTY keyboard and the general functions, battery functions well enough BUT runs out really fast when I use apps and Wi-Fi. And, like many other C6-00 owners complains: it's laggy and prone to hanging. The only few times it hanged on me was when I was over-surfing the Facebook app, which is understandable, but the lagginess is ... near intolerable, especially during my recent emotional and frustrated modes. =P

Because of my one-size-too-small and 'unseasoned' ballerinas yesterday, I have three blisters in total. Two small ones on my right foot, and a 20 sen-sized blister on the left, at the back of my ankle, to be precise. I'm wearing slippers today, but my new (Levi's) jeans constantly brush on them and it hurts like hell. I think I need not describe the excruciating, stinging pain during my bath last night. =X

After many tryout sessions, I've found out that MAC OS X is fancy in terms of apps and programs, but I hate hate HATE the system. The mouse itself is, in my opinion, dysfunctional. o0o I opened a .doc file on MAC OS X, and it got rid of my pictures in the file, which so happened to be my first English assignment. There's no clear button on how you add a tab, and the browser (Safari) doesn't let me open another browser window.

What I like, though, is the Photo Booth. XD What we did (especially when we were using the BIG monitors) is go crazy and take pictures like mad. For proof, please visit my Facebook profile. XD

Tomorrow is our 4-month anniversary~! Unfortunately, no celebrations can't be held due to time and financial restrictions. =P There were sales at the Student Life Centre corridor today, selling iPhone covers, food, carnations and soft toys for Mother's Day. I saw the soft toys and felt that immense feeling of ... I forgot the word =~= ... um ... desperation would be too strong a word, but it'll have to do. =X =X =X Felt that immense feeling of desperation to get one of them for him since they were cute and I owe him a proper Valentine's present. But after thinking it through I decided not to get it due to two reasons:

  1. though the price was good, RM7 per soft toy, as opposed to ... well ... higher prices elsewhere, I didn't want to spend unnecessary money, and I realize that this statement is highly conflicting especially when I spent RM8 on Baskin Robbins, so please feel free to slam me, scold me, insult me and downright squish me flat. =P
  2. !@#$%^& he has more soft toys than I have!!!

I realize I haven't typed such a long post in quite a long time. =P I wonder why. I've quite a lot of free time at college and there's quite a lot going on in campus. And speaking of which, I have to start using the word 'university' instead of 'college', since my campus is called Taylor's University Lakeside Campus. The thing is, I like the structure and pronunciation of 'college' more than 'university'. Even if you shorten it to 'uni', it's weird. I prefer using college. Or I could just call it my tertiary education campus - TEC. XD

Yes, I'm crazy, always have been and always will be. Actually right now I'm spouting tons and tons of crap. So I'll stop crapping right now.

Sometimes ...

... I really wished I was anorexic. It doesn't matter how much I control the intake of food or how much I work out to shed the pounds, nothing seems to work. What? I'm supposed to register at a gym and work out more than 3 hours everyday? I don't have the time.

Anyway I shall try to do as much exercise as I can from now on. At school I shall take the stairs instead of the elevator, even if it's up to the 9th floor (I just ran up to the 7th floor half an hour ago) and cut cut cut on my snacking (on Oreo Crush =P), at home I'll do random exercises during my bath (yes, weird, I know, but it's seemingly the only time I can squeeze in some work) and at least 500 crunches before going to sleep. I'll minimise dinner portions, or just skip dinner altogether if I can help it. I'll make it a habit to eat breakfast every day and balance my meals as much as possible, starting with more veggies and less fried stuff + unneeded carbs and calories.

If I can I'll squeeze in a teeny bit of my tennis training activities into my mundane schedule and I'll try try try to cut down on messaging and sleep at the latest 11pm. I will try to drink more water especially on campus since all my classes are in air-conditioned environments (so much for being earth-friendly). =P

I'm feeling ... large these days. It seems that my weight has gone up due to the *ahem* uncontrolled eating at school (which is also taking a toll on my wallet). This particular thing has been the thing that has me emotional all the time, especially at night, much to the dismay of smexy. =X Being deprived of sleep and feeling large, I tend to just start tantrums and flip at the tiniest things, such as a simple comment on my daily life.

Which is why I slept early last night, while *somehow* punishing myself by having the fan on power 2 (which is pretty cold for me since I'm cold-phobic even after being in the -20'C of Shenyang, China) and sleeping without a blanket. Usually, the blanket would be my ultimate need for sleep - I can make do without bolsters and pillows, but the blanket I really need. It was only in the wee hours of the morning when my grandmother woke up that she put a blanket over me, then nagging that I shouldn't sleep without a blanket in case I caught a cold.

Right now there are 3 pain spots - my shoulders, my back and the back of my ankles. Shoulders and back due to weird sleeping positions, and the back of my ankles due to my 'unseasoned', one-size-too-small ballerinas, which I wore to school for the entire day yesterday. I almost died. =P

The house internet is still not working, and Taylor's i-Xcess doesn't allow us to access any website labelled 'games', 'adult' or 'porn'. How is Glitter is my crack... considered porn when the whole blog is filled with makeup, glitter, clubbing photos and exercise journal entries?!

After a really long time, Edgar and I finally has another chat. I met Edgar around 8 years ago via GunBound, and whattya know? We actually became pen-friends (not exactly, but you get the point XD). He's from Peru and is around 7 years older than me, but he's rarely online so we usually wait for the right time where both of us are coincidentally online at the same time. Or we communicate through e-mail, much to my dismay 'cause he is under the impression that I have learnt Spanish and sends me whole e-mails in Spanish. =P

Gotta run, seminar coming up, supposedly by Marina Mahathir. =P

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Once again ...

at LT14 on TULC campus, waiting for class to start. It's been a really long weekend - Friday is class-free, and Sunday was Labour Day, so Monday became a substitute for the public holiday. And for most of that weekend I had my godparents over. I'll just say that their visit was a bit awkward. =P

Two assignments due today, both not finished and BB7 is freakin' working. Why the hell didn't the technicians take care of the freakin' problem during the long weekend? Or is it just too troublesome for them to give up one day of their holidays? #$%^&*!!!

It's Tuesday, and today's theme is sweet sophistication. The pale pink dress I wore for CNY this year, my new pinkish-purple ballerinas, new blue flower hoop earrings, Mickey necklace, the wristband from my ex and what-was-meant-to-be-sophisticated-but-turned-out-sultry purple makeup.

This week in nail color: Lawn Green from Elianto. I unexpectedly found this in our polish stash last night, but the tone and shade of the color couldn't be matched with Hot Pink. =P