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Friday, April 6, 2018

Kids are not my thing. Period.

Because I'm too selfish to be a parent.


Raising children is a huge sacrifice in itself. And the thing is that there is no guarantee - despite best efforts - that your child will be understanding and/or grateful for certain decisions that you may have made for their best interests at the time but upset them.


Also, understanding the reasoning to said decisions made and accepting/being grateful for them are two completely different things. I understand several of my parents' decisions that involved me while I was growing up, but it doesn't change my perspective of the situation at the time.


I'm still working through my own psychological struggles and resentments, mostly at the cost of those close to me.


In addition to this... there are the anger issues, the occasional bursts of violence - the contradicting dance between wanting to hurt myself and being afraid of pain.


Pile a handful of self-image issues and history of easy weight gain on top, I don't think I could be anywhere close to the type of mother I aspire to be - emotionally available, encouraging, easy-going, and the type of mother who would be considered "cool" and can have objective conversations with my kids about everything.


Tl;dr: I would likely be an emotionally, if not physically, abusive mother whom my kids will grow up to resent. Life is tough enough as it is without a plethora of psychological problems stemming from a toxic parent.


And to those telling me that I will change my mind once I go through the entire gestation period and childbirth: no. The risk is too big to be taken so lightly.

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