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Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Of metaphorical swamps and bad decisions

The first thing most people tell me when I recount to them my experiences in life is that I'm stupid. Well, thank you very much for implying that I'm so stupid that I didn't even realize that I made stupid decisions in my life before.

As per beauty, stupidity is also subject to individual interpretation - different people may perceive different things as beautiful, or in this case - stupid.

I, for one, find spending a ton of money on a dye job that last for a total of 3 days stupid. Others may find that my tattoos were stupid decisions. Are we on the same page now? Good.

Unfortunately for me, most of my decisions are universally perceived as completely, bat-shit insane stupid, if that's a good enough description for the level of daftness that we're dealing with here. And for some of them, I agree heavy-wholeheartedly.

For the most part, my decisions are mostly based on my gut feeling, and from what I observed from other similar situations. The hormones that control my gut feeling are usually estrogen, testosterone, and above all - adrenaline.

In most cases, once I have an adrenaline rush, you can pretty much trust me to throw most of my logical thinking out the window and perhaps into outer space in a droid or something for a couple of hours.

There are also cases where I actually put in a few months worth of thought and research before making a decision, and when I decide to do it, I get reprimanded for doing things without contemplation. My dear, should I vocalize my thought process and decision-making process, or whatever mechanics that go through my jumble of a brain, all you will here is a massive ball of unintelligible gibberish, seasoned with a few short sentences here and there.

While I defend my sanity, I also must own up for it - I've never been the brightest person alive. I'm used to letting other people take the reins; and a light dash of social anxiety doesn't make me adventurous enough to wander out on my own (even if I had that freedom) to take on spontaneous decision-making that is deemed smart.

There are a million things that I wished I decided against.

I wished I were more active in sports when I was a kid (I loved playgrounds and theme parks, though).

I wished I was more daring to make the first move on first days of school.

I wished I never really just slacked during most of my primary and high school education.

I wished I never took relationships with certain people to that certain level.

I wished I kicked against the walls harder than I did.

I wished I went to sleep earlier instead of starting to write this blog post on impulse, because then I'll have about only 2 hours of sleep to about 4 hours of class within a total of 8 hours of campus. And those are just approximate figures, mind you.

See? Adrenaline rushes. Always works.

I'm not alone in this matter of regretting about a good half of the decisions I made in life. Regret, disappointment toward myself, shame, and frustration are frequent emotions whenever I'm stuck in this kind of thought/emotional vortex.

Regret, because of obvious reasons. Disappointment that I let myself make such decisions. Shame, because of the implication of my decisions. And frustration, because I can't lie that I didn't know what would happen should I proceed with my decision - I knew exactly what would happen, but I went ahead anyway with some sort of self-conjured cloud about my head.

But then again, it would be even more stupid to wallow in these murky waters for too long. I mean I'm a klutz - I'd lose my footing or just by sheer absentmindedness as to the structure of my ankle bones might have me drenched in this swamp of negative emotions.

What happens when you fall in a swamp is that you get back out of that infectious swamp, and wash everything that fell in - your clothes, your hair, your body. Pop out that antibacterial, fragrance-heavy body wash, and lather well with a bath sponge (loofahs are the bomb). Remember to get under every nail.

To prevent myself from ever going near the swamp again is gonna be a slight challenge - all it takes is a little distraction for a mental detour. Let's just be a little more careful not to drop in like a total idiot again...

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