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Thursday, October 11, 2012

Still disturbed

Despite my previous blog posts and efforts of forgetting, the memory still floats in my mind...

I don't cry over it as I did in the past - through the night, waking up with thoroughly swollen eyes, and giving myself breathing difficulties. I do, however, still tear up when I talk about it.

I was just playing around with my phone today, and went through some of the messages that I saved. In March, things were still like "together forever", "till the day we die", "make wonders for you". It took an abrupt turn - "selfish", "inconsiderate", "unreasonable".

I keep telling myself to think of the present and future, so do everyone around me. But it's hard to forget something that gave you so much to remember.

Lyrics from so many songs describe my feelings, and I'm thinking to myself, "was this how they felt when they were writing these songs?" Pain. Confusion. Reluctance. It's such a cocktail of emotions that I don't know which is which anymore.

My words are often chosen carefully - I do not mean to judge, nor do I want to anymore. I just want to be stopped being accused of my mistakes as if they were not done by others. I just want my heart to be free again. I want to love again, without having to be afraid that history would repeat itself.

I had a talk with my mum - her verdict was that it's neither of our faults that it didn't work out in the end. If someone had to be blamed, it would be a third party, and/or ourselves. A talk with a good guy friend also somewhat oriented me. Like oil and water - when you stir it, they combine temporarily; after time, it separates again.

We had the closeness of good friends, which was exclusive to him then. Now, I want him to be my gorgor again, to pester him for music, to make crazy jokes, to just chat. Why is it that all couples which don't work out are condemned to being strangers?

But the thing is, I'm still not over it. I thought I was - I seldom thought about it, I always had something else in my mind that didn't allow it to surface. Now every time I'm idle, it just creeps in, like how loneliness often creeps in to my life.

Please, please, please just let me forget. Sometimes I put myself in a movie, where I get into an accident and I lose my memory. Not remembering would save so much tears and emotion. The painful part is that it was beautiful once - we were beautiful.

Sometimes I wished it never happened, but then if it didn't, I wouldn't be where I am today. But if it didn't happen, we would be best friends now, going gaga over the same rock band, banging our heads to the same music.

Now we're estranged - like two people who just happened to be in the same place at the same time. If you're reading this, know that I'm your friend. Not adding you back on Facebook doesn't mean I don't think friendship is possible, it's just that I still have to deal with myself, and my emotions.

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