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Sunday, June 17, 2012

Reflection and realization

Just read Xiaxue's latest blog post.

It seems like karma - one minute he was talking about it, and then I read this post.

Reflection upon ourselves is a crucial thing to do, and we should do it regularly. Reflect upon the things we did wrong, and the things we should have been grateful for.

My lecturer once told us about The Secret, which is a book talking essentially about positive thinking. I never really grasped the concept of positive thinking. I knew the basic meaning of it, but I didn't know how or where to start being positive.

I live a relatively care-free life - I have good food to eat almost everyday, I have good friends who worry about me, I have a family that cares about me (even though most of the times I don't feel it), I can happily go through with my hobbies whenever I want to, all my expenses are paid for by my parents. To be honest, I'm considered very lucky.

I live in a relatively large and comfortable house. My clothes are washed, dried and ironed for me. I have my own laptop and mobile phones. I'm blessed with language skills and I've been told that I have large, teary eyes that a lot of girls wished they had, as well as a curvy frame. I study in a relatively prestigious university, and getting a dual award degree for it.

I can go out for day activities whenever I want, I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want. I have sisters who worry about me, and advise me when they think I need it. Almost anything that I want, my parents will get for me. I like to read? I have tons of books at home.

However, my grave mistake was that I took all of these for granted - I complained that my mum gave more attention and love to my two other sisters. I complained that I couldn't get this item when my sister got it. I was jealous that my friend carried branded bags. I was jealous that other girls could stay skinny even when eating so much, while I had to work my ass off to get to where I am today. I resented the fact that I didn't have as much freedom as other people did. I complained that my food wasn't salty or sweet enough.

I took so much for granted that I single-handedly threw away one of the most important things in my life. I always resented that it wasn't perfect, that it didn't cater to my needs as I expected it to. One day I threw it away, and I regretted it so badly.

The Secret talks about being positive, and also grateful for all you have. I should have been grateful that I have a nice, comfortable, care-free life. I should have been grateful for all that I'm blessed with, be it materialistic or not.

Karma: what goes around comes around. I kept thinking about how bad my life was, how life treated me so unfairly, and in the end, I was punished.

The key to positive thinking is this: don't think "I don't want to be the girl who's shy". Think "I wanted to be that outgoing girl that everyone loves". Convert all your negative thoughts into positive ones. Instead of resenting what you don't have, think about how much you already have, and how lucky you are to have all of it.

I haven't mastered positive thinking yet. It will be a difficult journey - I don't want to blame my upbringing or media influence for my negative thinking anymore. Media, friends, family, etc has an influence to who you are, but YOU ARE THE ONE WHO ULTIMATELY DECIDES WHO YOU ARE AND WHO YOU WANT TO BE.

Occasionally I would think: "I want to be that hot girl that everyone envies". But most of the time I think: "I'm fat. I'm ugly". In the end? I kinda stayed chubby, and sometimes got so bloated and large that I couldn't believe myself (or the scale).

As a child, I kept seeing other children with nice school bags, nice bottles, and I would inevitably think: "I don't have that pretty bag/bottle. I'll go home and ask mum/dad to get it for me". How could I have been so ungrateful? I had a perfectly functional bottle/bag, which was relatively pretty as well.

No one in the world owes you anything, regardless of how unfortunate your life has been. I always expected people to treat me specially because I was the less-privileged middle child, because I was shy, because I had a temper. I had no right to ask that of people - I had to be grateful for the kindness and love they showed me.

I regret this the most: I have a wonderful grandma, who's over 80 years old, her memory and health - although still kicking - deteriorating. Every day she would ask us a million times whether we were hungry, and if we were she'd cook something for us. Usually I'd be annoyed, and show her a long face. Sometimes I'd complain loudly and hurt her feelings.

How many people wished they had a grandma who'd fuss over their well-being? And I just took it for granted. Don't get me wrong, she's still living with us, but I'm always afraid I'll wake up one day and she won't be out of the bed and watching television in the living room.

My currently-status-unknown boyfriend was the best thing that happened to me - same interests, and I fell head over heels in love with him. Perhaps it is just a passing phase, but I could imagine a future with him. He would usually be relatively busy, with various things.

All the things he did - I didn't see. I didn't see what he gave up for me. I didn't see how much I was actually interfering with him plans, but he accepted me anyway. I didn't see all the efforts he put into trying to make a future for us.

I kept resenting how little attention he paid to me. I resented every little thing that didn't matter. In the end, it manifested itself and now...

What if I was contented with what I had? What if I didn't complain about and resent so much? What if I were more happy with everything I had and was given? My life might be much better now.

Perhaps I watched a tad too much Hong Kong dramas - the characters always resented what they didn't have, and kept bringing it up again and again, until I unconsciously made it into my own mind set.

So, here's how I plan to change myself. I just clicked into a cookingwithdog video, which was made in 2007. Instead of complaining and being upset that the quality isn't as good as her more recent videos, I'll be happy that I learned how to make tendon (not the body part tendon, but a tempura rice bowl).

I'll also try to start being more grateful in life - grateful that I have a car which fuel is paid for by my mum; grateful for a nice comfortable bed to sleep in; grateful for having a complete family.

And as for the things that I want, I'll try thinking more of "I want to be the wife that makes other men envious of my husband", rather than "I'm useless". And I really mean it. I haven't read The Secret before, nor do I have the book or movie, but you could read Xiaxue's blog post (linked above) for a better picture.

Also, Xiaxue mentioned writing down your wishes (specified, if possible) on paper 10 times each day in order for it to come true. Supposedly you don't even have to believe in it. And be positive about it!

It's gonna be an uphill battle for me, but I really hope it turns out good in the end~

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