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Sunday, July 10, 2011

I'm so lucky

Really lucky to have such a good, loving boyfriend who accepts me as I am, warts and all. When I say that, I mean it almost literally, in a ... metaphorical way. No one's perfect, but I consider myself less than perfect - chunky body, much-less-than-porcelain skin, slightly receding hairline, scars all over, shortest temper ever, overly active and negative imagination and most of all, scared that I'll lose him to a prettier, better, more confident girl as opposed to the plain Jane, low self-esteem me.

I always pictured myself as the perfect girlfriend/model or dancer or socialite. I never took up dancing, and even when I wanted to sign up for classes, I was embarrassed - starting only so late in life? My height and body shape doesn't exactly allow modelling, even though I practice the catwalk secretly at home; and even as a face/hand model, my skin isn't like a porcelain doll's. Socialite? I'm much too introverted, but my social circle is slowly expanding thanks to my university programme that requires me to socialize and perform public speaking quite often.

Unfortunately, I'm much less than the perfect girlfriend - I'm over-sensitive, I'm cranky, I'm just plain unreasonable, much more so when we miss a week. I flip over the slightest thing, I cry much more now than when I was single, I yell at him for things that are actually my fault. And yet he still patiently tries to reason with me, apologizing furiously even though it's not his fault, trying hard to cheer me up.

I always say to myself that he has a life as well, he has friends, parents and studies to take care of. And yet I lose sight of that once I get annoyed, then upset. After throwing verbal knives and spears at him, I apologize profusely, but I do it again and again.

My mum had asked me whether my plans for my future included him, but all she wanted to say to me was not to break another heart just because I felt like it. I actually wanted to tell her that I planned to marry him, then have children and grow old with him. I didn't really expect that a rather impromptu and playful initiation of a relationship would actually make me more mature about relationships in the long run.

Our first date can be described with one word: AWKWARD. Though we've known each other and chatted on MSN for years, we seldom met each other and even when we did, we didn't really talk. So right before we were going out for our first date, I was fretting over what to wear, whether or not to wear makeup, what I'm gonna do when I see him, what I was gonna say to him.

The walk to the LRT station nearby was nerve-wrecking - we were to meet at a point, and as I walked I was getting more and more nervous, afraid that he'd find me less attractive in person (again, with the low self-esteem). As I approached the highway crossroads, I saw him at the opposite side of the road, walking in step with me. As I passed the first traffic light, I felt something or someone poke gently in the small of my back - it was him. Turned out he was as nervous as me, I could tell from the way he wanted to get nearer but was afraid to, and the way he kept trying to strike up a conversation.

The most memorable of the whole date was the lunch - both of us had aimlessly walked around the building countless times and were tired and hungry. He didn't know what I wanted to eat, and vice versa, plus I didn't want to burn a huge hole in his wallet on our first date, so we settled for Marrybrown (though it was a decision both of us kinda regretted). We sat opposite each other, and ate silently, not daring to meet each other's eye, which made it even more awkward.

During the date, we walked side by side, not talking or looking at each other, with a small space between us, a barrier than was waiting to be broken. He melted part of that barrier by taking my hand in his. I think I was blushing furiously when that happened. Slowly, we got comfortable with each other, and while we were starting our way back, it started to rain and we were stuck. Though it wasn't the kind of scene in the movies, but it was enough - both stuck in the rain, slightly drenched (he more than me 'cause I had a jacket with a hood), him hugging me.

I was reluctant to kiss him on our first date, since my first kiss was taken right at the start of my 3rd relationship, which happened to be with a jerk of an egoist. I let a few more dates pass, before I pressed my lips on his. It was amazing - I always imagined how our kiss would be like: sloppy? Wet? Disgusting? Definitely not all of that, but just plain heaven. However, I pulled away when his tongue tried to search for mine.

As time went by we got much closer, and somewhere along the road I knew he was the guy for me - he actually liked me for who I was (and am), and I was comfortable with being myself when I was with him. In all my other relationships, I felt as if I had to put a mask on - another personality - when I was with them, 'cause the real me wasn't good enough. However, things are completely different with him - I can be as crazy and perverted as I want to be when I'm with him.

Right now I can actually imagine waking up next to him every morning, identical bands on our left ring fingers, and I'd make a simple breakfast for him, before kissing him off to work. Then have a simple (depending on the occasion) and warm dinner waiting for him the moment he's back from work. On weekends we'd go out for some window-shopping or just laze around at home with (hopefully) the puppy and/or the kids.

Usually people would consider the perfect husbands to be rich, educated, has a good and wide social circle, is a decent guy, doesn't do illegal stuff and treats you good. Some other would think love is enough - money doesn't matter. I would think that each party has their own point - a practical husband would need to be financially fit, educated, social and decent, but personally, a marriage without love isn't a marriage at all.

The problem with the world now is that money almost literally makes it go round. You can't survive in this world (the developed and developing world anyway, I wouldn't eat worms even if my life depended on it) without sufficient money, and sometimes love would also run out, interest would fade. So we start with the fact that we love each other a lot, and now we're working on making money, so that our marriage would be slightly more stable and interesting (hopefully).

I try not to keep my hopes up, as the Chinese has a saying, "the moon changes, so does man" (or something similar at least), which means that the moon changes it's shape every night, and although we don't see it, humans also change everyday, little by little. So maybe one or both of us would have a change of interest and opinion, and ultimately find that we're not so right for each other after all.

I'm not so worried that he'll dump me for another girl for now, I'm just worried he'll lose interest in me and just leave, like some other guys do. Right now all I can do is cherish him as much as I can, and hopefully it'll turn out something like a fairytale. =)

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