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Monday, July 18, 2011

A few things I need to get off of my chest

First things first, regarding my laptop. Yes the reason why the charging point is loose is my fault, but instead of repairing the problem, they just reformatted my system and opened up my laptop for no apparent reason and broke the warranty sticker in the process! So now I just reset my whole desktop, and the original problem is still there, and most likely I won't get a repair under warranty 'cause some genius decided to pop the hood for no damn reason. =.=


Secondly, the only force that's holding me to the real world is going away to Pangkor ... for a whole 4 months. Yeah, he'll be back for about a week in between, but 4 months ... is a really long time. It's not like he wants it, he just has to if he wants to graduate. Life just sucks.


And I really hate those bitches who don't know their makeup and yet likes to post millions of photos up on Facebook, most of them close-ups of their ugly makeup. It's not like I torture my own eyes and sanity, they just get so many amateur comments about how pretty it looks that it appears on my news feed.


And it's not that I don't want to listen to you, but I've heard that it went this way, so naturally I would insist, and naturally my brain would choose the more logical one to stick to. And the way you retort my statements is like I'm a fucking retarded person that has the IQ of a 3-year-old.


I've been crying a lot lately, sometimes for no reason at all. Not sure why, but maybe it's fear. I mean it's 4 months - anything could happen. Heck, anything could happen within a split second. I just feel so frustrated with myself. Yeah you could say that I'm caught up in the skinny fad and it's no big deal, but it's a big deal for me especially when I have classmates that have long, thin legs, skinny thighs, big boobs and no tummy. All of that I don't have. And recently I've gained weight again, I could barely fit into my jeans, and no matter how much I try, exercise plus dieting isn't helping.


I don't have the self-confidence that other girls have - every time that I am confident, someone just deflates it, or something goes so embarrassingly wrong that I wished I was never born. Sometimes I do wonder why I even exist when no one cares. I guess what they mean when they say it takes all kinds to make the world, it means that people need lots of punch bags and people they can degrade easily to complete their world.


Sometimes I just try to fit in, but at the end of the day, that's just not me. Maybe a few years back you could have changed me in a way, but I'm way past that stage now. My cement structure has set, no more changes from now on. But staying who I am keeps me alienated, cut off. Lots of people say just be yourself, but if I "just be myself" no one would want to be around me.


I really envy those kids without siblings to compete for attention with. I envy those girls who are naturally physically beautiful. I envy those people with full, unwavering self-confidence.


I can't exactly pinpoint what it is that I want in life, but I can't say that I'm happy with my life. Yeah I can be considered lucky - I have a complete family, a roof over my head, technology, an education. But there has to be more to life than just that. It's like every one is so focused on earning money and planning for the future that nothing else matters. All I'm told is to study hard, to get good grades, to get a high-paying job, but I'm just not really that kind of person. I need space and time, my own space and time to get things in order. You rush me, you're just stepping on the accelerator on the car that's heading toward a cliff.

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