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Monday, May 30, 2011

I go against my vows again

In every relationship I promise myself I would be immensely faithful, the most understandting and be the best girlfriend any guy would wish for, but I wouldn't be the type of girl to think about him 24/7, sit at my phone all day just waiting for his text then flip when he only sends me 'Darling ~ <3'.

I find it hard to wait for an entire week before getting to spend only less than half a day with him, and he's usually on my laptop watching concert videos. Even though we do share common interests and are basically the same type of people, I'm just not the concert videos kinda girl. Sure I'd love to catch a live GazettE concert at some point of my life, but watching concert videos to spend quality time with the boyfie? I don't think so.

It's also hard for me to accept that guys are naturally uninstinctive creatures, unless it comes to sex. So most stuff has to be explained and reported in detail, and you can never expect them to know whatever is going on with you without telling him. Everytime I start a tantrum, he keeps asking me over and over again what happened and keeps apologizing, which makes me even madder.

Another 6 days to our 5th month anniversary. I think the thing that really made me flip was when I was suddenly uninvited to his group's gathering at Old Town, supposedly "restricted to 5 Fadilians only". I actually really wanted to say 'I was also from 5F, though not the exact same 5F that you're referring to'. To keep the peace, I rejected his insistence to bring me anyway, and I spent the next half hour emo-ing on my bed, crying into my pillow.

Everytime I think 'I can finally see him more than once a week for once', and then that opportunity is usually shattered, regardless of the 5W1H. Then I spend the next few days moping around, and then I find myself waiting solely for every Friday, neglecting everything else.

I need to stop planning and expecting things to happen, 'cause they always seem to lead to disappointment. My mum's going outstation for a weekend soon, and I was initially planning to ask him to sleepover ... I think I can get that thought out of my head. I don't want to be let down again, regardless of the reason.

I hate it when I really feel like crying, but no matter how I try the tears just won't fall. It's like God is telling me that I need more hurt before I have the right to cry. I lost the scarf, I need a job, my phone's nuts, I keep getting headaches and stomachaches on a daily basis, two of my 'gang'-mates deleted me on Facebook ('cause I offended them in some way), and I don't qualify for a good long cry?

Maybe it's because I love him too much that I go crazy at the smallest things. I'd throw tantrums just so that I get reassurance from him that he loves me, when I know very well that he does. Sometimes I feel that I'm never good enough - I'm never thin enough, I'm never tolerant enough, I'm never pretty enough, I'm never understanding enough.

He hates it that I always say I hate myself, but to be honest, I've always been that way, and I'll probably never change.

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