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Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Should I?

I'm right now in a complete dilemma on choosing a new phone. My specs? Under RM800 (RM700, if at all possible), touchscreen, and preferably something with a decent camera, WiFi and Bluetooth. Oh, and a model that my friends don't have.

My dear suggested I get the N8, which is complete in function and all that, but it goes beyond my budget. =P My friends recommended 5800 and iPhone, and none of these meet my criteria. The 5800 for obvious reasons; the iPhone ... well, as a Maxis user I could sign up for whatever package that is and get the iPhone for a cut price, but still ...

I've considered getting a C6-01, Xperia X10 mini (2nd hand), Xperia X8 and X8 Touch and Type. The problem with me is that I tend to always ask for people's opinions as I can't make up my own mind, and yet I usually retort their suggestions with various excuses.

What JW said was: 'Choose it yourself or you will regret it.' I'm trying to, but I'm getting different suggestions from all over the place, most of them which are different. One thing is for sure: no Sony Ericsson. According to most people, Sony Ericsson phones in general are extremely sensitive due to the truckload of functions it usually contains, thus making it more vulnerable to damage.

Nokia, on the other hand, is a completely different matter: Nokia has built it's reputation as a manufacturer of durable phones. There are 2 Nokia phones in my house, and both of them has been used for more than 5 years. Though beaten up, ailment-prone and basically keypad-paralyzed (due to my incessant messaging), they work practically fine.

Back to the topic: NEW PHONE. My dream phone: N97, though the model is really old already. Hope some of you can provide suggestions. =)

* * *

I had a brief argument with my dear a few hours ago, concerning my insecurity at my own loyalty. I'm a person who has a child's personality - I see something I want that isn't mine, and I keep longing for it. I go crazy once I've got hold of it, but then I get bored and something else seems interesting.

Now, apply that theory to relationships. I'm in a really loving relationship right now - he loves me more than anything, and he's the only guy who actually made me feel loved. Add in the theory above, and I got myself drowning in guilt.

My work place has a total of 10 staff members (including the part timers), and 7 of them are guys. Working and communicating with so many guys for so long would naturally bring us together. Hoan and DBS seem more fatherly; Sao being the more silent one; Rames and Tinh are my childish buddies; Jie and Yuen (part timers) I don't really know; Vinh is that little glitch.

The first day of work seemed daunting, not because of the work involved, but with the people I have to communicate with. People at the counter spoke Chinese, so they were no problem. The others were foreigners - Vietnamese and Nepalese. I didn't know what language to use to communicate with them, and maybe this was because I was overly sensitive, but they all didn't seem to like me.

After long-term communication, I know that I speak to Rames in English; Hoan, DBS and Vinh in BM; Sao in Chinese; and Tinh a mixture of BM and Chinese. And we've come to the point where we can actually just stand around and chat, though only small talk.

I play around with Tinh, Rames and Vinh whenever I'm in the mood. Here comes the tricky part: I play and tease with Vinh the most. We throw spring onions at each other and try to trip each other all the time. Add handsome looks and a charming personality to the guy's side and ... TA-DA! - you get me confused about my feelings.

I easily mistaken a nice friendly feeling for a crush, especially when that guy is good-looking. I worried myself for the whole fucking day just because of this: would I break up with this guy that I love so much for a guy that I have confused feelings for and practically can't communicate properly (though he speaks BM, he's still Vietnamese)?

I didn't want to break his heart, neither did I want to break my own. I live in a sea of regrets, some of them significant in my history. I didn't want to be the one to initiate the breakup again. I told myself at the start of the relationship: 'I want this to last'. Then again, I told myself that at the start of every relationship I had, but I broke up with them for good reasons.

But sometimes I just get so annoyed when he starts nagging. To do this, to remember to do that, da da da~ And also when he gets all emo all of a sudden. He doesn't mind when I don't reply him for long stretches of time, because unlike other guys, he has respect for me and my life; but sometimes the amount of messages I receive overwhelm me, and sometimes I just don't feel like replying.

I know that he's just updating me on current events and wants me to be a part of his experiences up to a point. I have a phobia of commitment, somehow. Maybe it's because I'm a fucking pessimist and opt to look at the negative things instead of the positive things in life and people.

I focus on the negative things to much that suddenly it falls on me like lightning: 'Am I prepared to live with this for the rest of my life?' I was never really a person for compromise, especially with people. My thoughts are like my essays - they expand endlessly with detail and possibilities.

I wish I could just start crying right now. I haven't cried in some time, and I could use some emotional release.

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