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Thursday, March 24, 2011

Death awaits

... especially when you're due to get those life-changing results from that year-end test that will determine your future. And these are the results that parents would usually be EXTREMELY sensitive about. I got my SPM results today, along with all my fellow 2010 Form 5 students in Malaysia. Here are my results:

  • Bahasa Melayu (Malay language) - B
  • Bahasa Inggeris (English language) - A+
  • Pendidikan Moral - C+
  • Sejarah (History) - D
  • Matematik (Maths) - A
  • Physics - C+
  • Chemistry - C
  • Biology - C
  • Bahasa Cina (Chinese language) - C+

I would think that this would be good enough since what I expected was that I would fail Moral, History, the three Science subjects and Chinese altogether, but I did pretty well on my terms. But usually what you think is good isn't always good enough for some parents. They'd say that they're so disappointed in you for bringing back such bad results.

Not that I don't wanna be grateful for all the years of patience and hard work bringing me up, teaching me and putting me through school and life, but what happened to encouragement? I wish I had those parents who would say 'Good job! At least you know that you've done your best.', with a smile on their face. My mum is a person who would ask you practically the hardest question you've been asked in your life - 'Are you happy with your results?'

I'm so goddamn happy with my results! I didn't fail a single subject, which is way past my expectations! I was dying to say 'Yes I'm happy with my results', but I had to lie through my fucking teeth that I wasn't. How the hell do you answer such a goddamn rhetorical question like that, anyway?!

For once I cried for something else other than my dog. I cried all through 15 minutes of my bath. The only thing keeping me from what I usually did was my dear. Usually under these emotionally excruciating moments, my fingertips would just naturally curl over one part of my body, and I'll end up leaving marks on either my arms or legs.

It's like my mum wants me to be the 'perfect daughter', since she has the 'spoiled daughter' and the 'lovable daughter'. The 'perfect daughter' with the best emotional strength, the best logic capability and the best educational results. The other two can spend the rest of their life doing anything they want and I have to be stuck with doing what she wants me to do.

It's like I have no say in my life - I say I'd like this, then they would say that the exact opposite would be better. And when someone doesn't get what they want, they wouldn't be happy about it, and I would get a good scolding for 'showing a long face' and 'spoiling her day'. Even for my education, I wanted to go to IACT, I could take public transport, but nooo she had to have me go to Taylor's. Why? Because her other daughter is studying there and "it's a school with prestige".

I couldn't even choose my own course! Initially I wanted to study makeup, my mum widened it to aesthetics, then my dad said to choose something else and I chose mass communication, and now my mum's not happy with my choice. WHAT THE HELL DO I HAVE TO DO TO MAKE YOU HAPPY??!!

My life literally revolves around you - every time I go out, every thing I do, every person I meet. I have to get your consent first. You say I'm not street smart and not good with people, but knowledge of those two takes practical experience. Practically 24/7 365 days a year I'm locked in the house excluding school and work. I'm not allowed out with friends unless I come home at a certain time and/or there is a sufficient number of people going.

I'm not allowed to take public transport and I'm not allowed to go to the city center. What life is this? Let me tell you this, the harder you try to suppress, the more the opposing force with rebel, it just depends on whether you know it or not. My first date was at the place you hated most - Berjaya Times Square. And I had a blast of a time.

Sometimes I really hate you. Sometimes I just wished I could just pack up and leave. Sometimes I wished I was never born in the first place. Sometimes I wished I had the courage to end my life. Other times I just blame God and all other natural forces that exist in the world for my life.

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