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Wednesday, December 22, 2010

I'm feeling ...

Pretty much lonely, and there's a hint of hanging in the balance. After 12 solid years of school (except for the holidays that is, which means you take away 2x12 from the total duration), I'm so not used to hanging around the house with nothing but internet and DVDs and a still-under-construction future.

For now everything seems bleak - the gang members are either working or preparing for college. Everyone's so excited with their new lives it makes me feel a little ... left-behind. I've never really been the heart-of-the-party, but every time they were planning anything they would invite me, but now that many of them have entered the working world (though still not their future, hopefully not), it's something new for them, and I'm happy for them. But in the midst of all the new environments, I'm alienated, 'cause I've got restrictions holding me back.

Others work at Sushi Zanmai in The Gardens, Starbucks at Berjaya Times Square (though not confirmed yet), another works with a boutique, another working at a pet shop. And all (or most) of them are already starting to take/taken their undang (driving licence), I'm not even registered yet, due to the same restrictions.

The restriction is actually just having to do everything within walking distance from home, which really sucks. Yeah, you save on transport, etc, but I need to learn how to take care of myself, I can't very well live off advice and guidance all my life, could I? Life's about taking risks, and without risks, where's the thrill of life? I understand that the crime rate in Malaysia is taking a drastic hike up, but there's no way I can keep myself locked in the house all day.

My family says I'm a blur bum, though it does involve my own personality, partially it's their fault - can't do this, can't do that, don't go there, bla bla bla ... They almost never let me do anything alone, then out of the blue, they'll just tell me to do whatever like it was normal for me. Do you have any idea about the fear involved? Of being under the shelter of a nucleus and extended family all the time and suddenly shoved out into the public, even for the simplest of tasks, to confront a total stranger?

My whole family knows I'm introverted - I'm crazy around people I know well, but when it comes to actually meeting new people, that crazy me just disappears, replaced by something like a puppet - silent and still. If someone asks a question, I'll just give a short and simple answer, no elaboration whatsoever. And being a shy kid, being forced to do something public will just make the waterworks go on, and when that happens, the adults shoot their guns at you, making you feel useless and your self-esteem even lower.

I was that kinda kid - shy, introverted, silent. I was in bliss oblivion most of the time, 'cause (before my younger sis was born) I was the youngest with the best behavior and smartest. My mouth tended to spout crap that usually made people feel uncomfortable or offend people. I was never really taught to control my speech, the only time that happened was after the crap had been spouted and the milk spilled. I wouldn't cry over it, but I would get a real scolding.

My aunts always told me to speak my mind, so that's what I do. I always try to convince myself that my friends are people who accept me as who I am, and are willing to take the entire package, along with the cons, and hopefully try to correct them and be there with them. And those who don't like me just don't have good chemistry with me. I always try to do that to myself, but then I end up crying myself to sleep at night.

I envy those people with lots of friends, and those whose friends actually stay in touch and actually show that they care for their friends. Sometimes I feel as if my life and my friends have all been a dream, that they are there, but are beyond my reach. I try to call out to them, but I only hear a few faint replies occasionally.

My aunts say go make new friends. They know very well it's not easy for me. Just to warm up to a new person takes me a minimum of three days, and to actually become their friend takes even longer. The other solution? Find friends online! Easier said than done. I act differently online than in real life. Online - you only get to see what they type out. Face to face - you see their entire body language.

I've always dreaded changes, especially if it had to do with my friends being away from me for long periods of time. I have this fear that if they go, the memories will go with them and never appear again. This haunts me everyday, and yet I still take the precious moments for granted. Now everyone's going their separate ways, and we might not see each other for a long time.

I was skimming through Xiaxue's blog last night, looking for some controversial pieces, but as I scrolled and scrolled, I came to her ROM post - her marriage with Mike. Friends, family, almost all gathered together. She was in a made-to-order gown (really beautiful, I want a dress like that in the future, but I want a train XD), while her husband-to-be (at that time) dressed like Italian mafia. XD Her secondary school friends whom she'd known for 10 years attended. That made me wonder, would we still be in contact when we start getting married?

At some point in 2010, we had a debate over who would get married first. Here's the list:
  1. Yuriko
  2. Me
  3. Kiki
  4. JW
  5. Cough
  6. Yiee
  7. Ling
Then the first one to have a kid would be me, 'cause I loved kids. Since we knew each other (though the time varies, JW was the last to officially be of the gang, 'cause we only knew him last year), we've always done practically everything together - recess, PE changing, toilet surveys, salons, body modifications, etc. Would we help with each others' weddings? Would we be the maid/man of honor for each other? Fantasizing about stuff is my strong point, but for some reason, my mind is not letting me see an image of everyone in the gang at one of our weddings.

I'm spouting crap again. Guess I'm just afraid to lose my friends to time. That's it for this post. Tears have been shed and a tiny bit of a huge worry has been unloaded. Let's just hope I don't lose all of my marbles. =)

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