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Friday, April 6, 2018

Kids are not my thing. Period.

Because I'm too selfish to be a parent.


Raising children is a huge sacrifice in itself. And the thing is that there is no guarantee - despite best efforts - that your child will be understanding and/or grateful for certain decisions that you may have made for their best interests at the time but upset them.


Also, understanding the reasoning to said decisions made and accepting/being grateful for them are two completely different things. I understand several of my parents' decisions that involved me while I was growing up, but it doesn't change my perspective of the situation at the time.


I'm still working through my own psychological struggles and resentments, mostly at the cost of those close to me.


In addition to this... there are the anger issues, the occasional bursts of violence - the contradicting dance between wanting to hurt myself and being afraid of pain.


Pile a handful of self-image issues and history of easy weight gain on top, I don't think I could be anywhere close to the type of mother I aspire to be - emotionally available, encouraging, easy-going, and the type of mother who would be considered "cool" and can have objective conversations with my kids about everything.


Tl;dr: I would likely be an emotionally, if not physically, abusive mother whom my kids will grow up to resent. Life is tough enough as it is without a plethora of psychological problems stemming from a toxic parent.


And to those telling me that I will change my mind once I go through the entire gestation period and childbirth: no. The risk is too big to be taken so lightly.

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

How about some credit?

Most of what I want are impractical. Certain aspects of my life suffer because of my "obsession" with practicality.


Is spending thousands on a large tattoo piece that is highly visible practical? To majority of society, no. Spending anywhere near a thousand on a tattoo is ridiculous for some, and some even wonder why even waste money on something that "defaces" your god-given body.


Is spending thousands on a designer handbag practical? There will be those who will call it an "investment", because apparently you buy quality with that price, and if certain brands are taken good care of, they can in turn be sold for near the original price it was purchased at.


Is spending my time being pissed over how ignorant and stupid some internet users are practical? Absolutely not. But it helps me see the world with a larger perspective - different arguments from different perspectives bring the topic full circle even when I'm still pissed that people are condemning Johnny Depp while ignoring the glaring fact that Amber Heard was actually convicted for domestic abuse.


In a nutshell, I would like to - for once - be able to discuss my desires without having them shot down just because they're not a practical way to use my resources. I'm tired of having to fight for everything that I want and believe in. I'm tired of having everyone operate under the assumption that I'm naive and ignorant about everything around me.


Do I know that my wedding plans may be a huge waste of money when the time comes? Yes. I'm not delusional nor am I oblivious about how many other practical ways there are to use money.


Ideally, I want things to be small, but reasonably lavish. There is the insistence, after all, that marriage is the final act of commitment (FYI, divorce is now a less-taboo option). Hence, why not spend a little more money on it to make it special? If we could afford it by then, then why not just go the extra mile?


I don't claim to have the best spending habits - in fact, they're actually shitty because I've always had to fight losing battles for things I want that others easily got (just because they weren't "practical"), and I've always spent my money on impulsive purchases that usually just ends up being donated years down the road.


But this isn't a blouse, or that pair of heels that I never got. This is something that will cost into the thousands, and I will exercise the same caution with this amount of money as when I decide to finally take the plunge for a tattoo.


Thanks for once again reinforcing the fact that everything I decide will always be questionable in your eyes.