Most of the time, however, I find myself wondering at the true purpose of my existence, as well as the actual role I play in the lives of all whom I meet. Am I a reliable friend? Am I a daughter to be proud of? What am I supposed to do in order to... I dunno, change the world? When that comes into the picture, it feels that the significance of my existence just shrinks even more.
I've been talking to someone lately, and he's made me question a lot of these. Most of these have always plagued me, but in a different context. I'm usually the daughter, sister, [insert identity here] with the piercings and the tramp stamp, the perverted nut, the one who laughs at practically everything, the make-up geek, the one into fads and trends, etc.
Imagine a scenario where we (my family) are going out to have a meal with my ... let's say, dad's ex-colleague. Of course, in such a situation, introductions are due. Here's the typical introduction speech:
"Here's my oldest daughter, she studied culinary arts and is a chef. She's now working outstation. My second daughter, she's good with make-up. And my youngest, who usually does the home-cooking. Like she would improvise something for dinner with whatever in the house."
Yeah, yeah. You're thinking: "just middle-child syndrome". Actually, BINGO. Compare the number of words used to introduce each of us. Usually, how I'm introduced is "the make-up one", but now I have another label: "the vegetarian".
Now this isn't about child favoritism, and please don't get the wrong perception - what I'm talking about here is the traits that I have that allow people to introduce me or identify me to other people. To friends, I may be the perverted crazy-ass who's a cardio-freak and a real klutz.
Personally, I see myself as a person who lives in a closet, but yearns to reach out and be comfortable in the world outside. Imagine a chick exploring the world for the first time - afraid, anxious, excited, and expectant. I'm stumbling around, trying to find my own footing, and trying really hard not to break anything else. I'm a person who has yet to actually do something with her life. But for now, I still don't know what that is.
Right now, while I'm being pesked with happenings of the past, I need to focus on more important things - my education. Apart from being a girl in a family, I'm also a student, one of the many of my peers. I'm studying two things that aren't really my forte - public relations, in other words, communicating with people; event management, when I can't even decide on where to have lunch without tearing my hair out.
I guess it's a time for some self-discovery, but I can't very well just skip off on a backpacking trip (though I could consider saving up for one). This will have to wait, or just happen like with everyone else - by fumbling through this confusing place we call "society".
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