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Friday, August 12, 2011

Some stuff

Would really like a new layout for my blog, but clueless about layout editing. If I'm not wrong, I think it includes html, which is something I knew a long, long, LONG time ago.

There are so many material things I want right now - a Coach, Gucci or Guess bag, a pair of (preferably) Charles & Keith black stiletto pumps, and a maxi dress. XD However, all these are way beyond my budget. I'll have to wait for my life to be on the 'career' road before I can get any of the bags; as for the shoes, I don't think I'll be getting them any time soon. My mum has a habit of rejecting some certain requests of mine. Maxi dress she won't buy 'cause she deems it unsuited to our naturally warm climate, getting more warm due to global warming.

We did our IMC presentation today and was $%^&-ing pissed - we initially chose Warner Bros., but then Jessica decided to butt in and replace her group's name with ours. We clarified the whole situation, put our names back in their rightful place, and diligently prepared for our presentation. On presentation day? They did Warner Bros. anyway, despite the fact that our lecturer specifically stated that no two groups should present the same media organization.

Anyway that's behind me. Now to focus on losing weight + toning my body, living healthy, improving my skin, and the most important of all - MY FINALS. I fail this, I die ... literally. Well, not exactly literally ...... you get the point. =_=

My moods are really random right now. I dunno whether it's because I'm sleeping preposterously late these few days, or it's because I'm slowly changing my lifestyle, or whether it's because I'm starting to automatically numb the feelings of longing and pain when he's away. At one time I'm craving this, a second later I'm fuming over the fact that it doesn't work for me.

I don't need my blog to be popular, though I'd like it to be. This blog is more like a space to write down my thoughts, my ideas, my daily happenings, etc. Then whenever I feel nostalgic, I could just go back and read those silly things I wrote back then.

Throughout my life, I've been struggling with this very serious mental disease - it's called body image issues. Ever since I was a little girl with ribbon bows in my hair wearing party dresses out shopping, everyone in the family (and some close friends) all called me "fei mui", which is little fat girl in Cantonese. I had a passion for eating, and I still do, though I more or less just devour stuff.

During primary school, no one really teased me for being plump, as at that time, none of that mattered - all that mattered was we had fun, we made friends, we learned and we made memories. Body-wise, I fit in, but I still dreamt of being a runway model, wearing designer clothes like the ones I sometimes saw on TV. Thinking back now I was silly - my house has a space which we can fit two cars, and that area was empty when both my parents were out working. So in the afternoon after lunch, I'd go outside, and start practising my catwalk on that very driveway, in my Elmo T-shirt and shorts.

I started taking note of what was pretty among society during the last year of my primary education - I wanted long hair, and finally my mum allowed it (most local Chinese schools don't allow long hair, unless you had a specific reason to, and if you tie it up neatly). I hadn't seen the benefits of skin care products at that time, which led to the continuation of my pimple problem.

Finally, Form 1, it was because of my first relationship that I started to diet and exercise (2000 crunches a night). This diet has still stuck - minimum or no rice, and small portions during dinner. I also started to diligently use the products that my parents bought for me. Over time the hard work paid off - I lost weight, and my skin pretty much cleared up (the main problem was that I was constantly picking on the "unripe" pimples, and those pimples sourced from dirt, oil and air-borne dust).

For a short while I was satisfied - everyone said I looked like a bombshell, complete with an ass, decently-sized boobs and one hell of a small waist. However, my uncle let slip a bit of the truth he felt - "actually she's got the shape, but she's still a bit chunky" (or something like that), which was greeted with a nudge by his wife and a few glares of disapproval from the female relatives in the room.

Since then I've been observing other girls - both on the street and in magazines. Why can't I have those long, slender legs? Why does my thighs have to have orange peel skin? Why can't I have that flat tummy that she has? All those questions still plague me now, despite the numerous times that I've been told that I'm completely proportionate right now, and those are media-influenced stereotypes.

But let's face the truth, everyone loves the stereotypes now. Most of us anyway. I want bigger boobs, smaller hips, a flat tummy, slim legs, flab-less arms and a slimmer face. I used to admire myself in the mirror, thinking "how pretty that girl is, she'll be the centre of attention everywhere!" I got used to this thinking, 'cause almost everywhere I went when I was a little girl, every one kept praising my prettiness, and whenever I saw another little girl around my age, I'd get arrogant and think that I was definitely prettier than she was.

As I grew up, those comments changed - people focused more on my other siblings, and so did my parents. Their comments turned into questions: "did you do well in your most recent exam?", "how are your studies coming along?" Though most other people praised that I was a smart girl, other girls were out there learning the piano, dance, cheer leading, doing sports. Though it was of my own choice that I never went for those lessons, I resented my life.

I resented not being a dancer or a cheer leader; I envied and were jealous of those who were models and socialites clothes in branded wear. I thought that perhaps a change of wardrobe and/or accessories might make me one of them, but my requests were rejected again.

I think all of this just boils down to how much someone loves themselves and how confident they are of themselves. As far as loving myself goes, I hate myself as much as I hate being lied to. Confidence ... not much as well.

I'm just feeling so ugly right now - I know miracles don't happen overnight, but sometimes you're just born that way, nothing you do can change that.

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